April 30

I didn't have a big, decisive 'aha' moment today. In fact, I'd say I only have moments like that once or twice a week. Most of the time, I sit down during the evening hours and scroll through the images taken on that particular day, searching for one that speaks to me. Fortunately, one always jumps out... eventually. With that said, here's today's pick...

The Little Boys, standing in our front yard waiting for Adam's mom to arrive to take Brady for the night.

On the surface, there's nothing especially great about the image. In fact, with Isaac squinting and grabbing Brady and Brady trying to escape, it's kind of lousy from a composition-standpoint.

But it's not always about what's in the foreground, right? Nope, sometimes life is about the details in the background that might otherwise fade into obscurity. And in the background of this image is a beautiful plot of green grass, flowering bushes and our home (okay, so it's our neighbor's house. But ours looks pretty much the same!). A trio of beautiful blessings that I often overlook.

April 29

I watered the flowers on Logan's grave this morning. It's been H-O-T here and the weather trend is supposed to continue all week, so I wanted to make sure we got off to the right start. As I was leaving, I off-handedly told Logan that I was going to the store. And that it would be so nice to find a new Pixar Car. Just to provide some context, when he was hospitalized, I spent a lot of timing combing area Targets (and Walmarts and Kmarts) for those little die-cast cars with faces. He loved them and they made him smile. I still pick them up now when I see them, since the Little Boys like them, too, but it'd been a while since I'd been able to get my hands on new ones, even though plenty have been released. (Thanks to re-sellers. Who, if I may be so blunt, suck.) Anyway, then I left.

And when Brady and I hit the Cars aisle, I found one! And another.... and another. When we headed off to find the next item on our list (which happened to be carpet cleaner, if you were wondering) my cart looked like this:

In all, I found five. Pretty awesome, since I only asked for A car. :)

As I've noted a few times in the past, some days, those trivial little things mean an awful lot.

April 28

Really easy one today. Just a reminder to all of you moms and dads and other Big People who feel obligated to carry heavy burdens on your own 24/7:

Even Captain America needs someone else to take over every now and then.

So when it's all just too much, allow yourself to be carried for a while.

April 27

I'm not entirely sure, but I think this may, in an objective sense, be the ugliest photo I've used so far.

It's precisely what it looks like: a series of cracks in the pavement of a local street. So what on God's green earth prompted me to take its picture?

I had a really simple thought. Let's say your life is just like the perfectly smooth, unblemished street -- like the street in the photo looked when it was new. But one day, the ground shifts a little and you crack; a bad thing happens that shakes your faith or your perception of life and reality. And it changes you. Let's say that happens multiple times until you look kind of like the image above: still identifiable as you, but changed. (I know, I'm weird. Stay with me; I promise there's a point!)

Then let's say that like in the picture above, new life begins to grow inside those gaping cracks. You don't look perfect and smooth like you once did, but the holes, the blemishes, are filled in with something even prettier than asphalt -- they're filled with life! It's kind of like what happens when God comes into your life and fills in the holes made by people and circumstances that've hurt you in the past. That's pretty awesome, isn't it? I thought so.

And yes, I did indeed come up with that entire treatise just by looking at that ugly old image. See: you can indeed find God anywhere. If you look.

April 26

I've felt kind of low lately. I don't really know why; I just have. And do. I saw these little yellow flowers this morning. Since they were absolutely nothing like the others in the area, I felt compelled to take their picture, sure that a message for me rested somewhere within their buttery petals.

As I downloaded the image from my phone a few minutes ago, I saw it. Yes, the three little yellow flowers are most prominent. But just behind them is a sweet, delicate purple bloom, too. And suddenly, I saw the image as a representation of my family; my three little boys and a my beautiful little girl. And it finally made sense. They may not be together anymore on this earth, but they're still a little group. They're still clustered together in a way that transcends our limited human understanding.

And, despite my generally melancholic mood, it made me smile. Just a bit.

April 25

Today was a stressful one. Not bad, per se, just lots of activity: a park playdate, a few shopping stops, a doctor's appointment. And lots and lots (and lots) of kid-bickering. And for me, there are few things more exhausting than incessant kid-bickering.

That's why it was nice to go out and grab a quick dinner at Arby's after Adam got home this evening. We piled into the car, rode through the drive thru, and came back home to watch a few episodes of the universally loved Phineas and Ferb.

And as an added bonus, Logan loved Arby's, so though we don't go there often, it's always a nice little shot of nostalgia when we do.

April 24

While Abby and Isaac played with their friends Kole and Jake and I chatted it up with their mom Michelle after school today, Brady sat patiently in the stroller. At one point, I looked down at him. He gazed back up at me and said cheeeeese!. So I took this picture:

There's nothing better than the little cheesers who so effortlessly brighten what's often a dark and tiresome world.

April 23

Just a simple one today.

As we walked to school this morning, I saw a rose petal laying in the street. I passed by, but then returned a moment later to snap its picture.

Why? I don't really know. I just thought I can see God in that pretty little petal. And I thought it looked like a heart. And those two reasons were enough.

April 22

I'm so totally serious about this one but you'll probably laugh anyway.

I was thrilled --like seriously, Thank-You-Jesus thrilled-- when I found these at Target today:

Control-top pantyhose. I've hit the big time in undergarments.

But seriously. I'd been looking for these for nearly a month: size 2, skin tone. I need them to wear underneath my disco costume for my tap dance (again, totally serious). I'd found every single size except size 2 and was beginning to worry that I'd never find them. And with dance picture day this coming Sunday, the pressure was on.

But then today, there they were! One lonely pair, hanging all by their lonesome on the rack. Waiting for me to snap them up.

It was such a blessing to me.

And hopefully, if nothing else, this discourse on pantyhose has proven to you that sometimes, God appreciates completely random humor.

April 21

I certainly haven't loved the increased temperatures we've seen over the past few days, but our rose bushes are big fans. They're covered with a hearty helping of yellow and pink/orange mottled blooms. While Adam and the kiddos were in the backyard today, I spent my time inside with the windows closed, thanks to a frustrating uptick in allergy symptoms. It was really nice when Isaac tapped on the window holding a big vase containing these:

Fresh, sweet-smelling reminders of God's amazingly beautiful creation delivered by one of my exceptionally sweet little boys.

April 20

Today we attended a service of remembrance at CHO for former oncology kids who've passed on. I won't lie: it was hard.

But at the same time, it was good to see some of Logan's nurses and other hospital staffers who became friends over the course of our time there. It was a blessing to be able to chat with them and to hear how much they loved Logan, too. It was hard to be in a room with so much shared pain, but well-worth the chance to see those familiar faces.

When we arrived, Abby, Isaac and Brady made pictures:

After the ceremony, I headed out to the courtyard and looked over at our table, decorated with the artwork pictured above. In my mind's eye, I could see all of those little souls flitting about, playing and laughing and having fun. And it was a beautiful thing.

April 19

She may get mad at me for this, but that's okay. I can take the rage. :)

This is Isaac's preschool teacher, Corie. (And some deep fried Oreos. And some ice cream. And chocolate syrup.)

A small group of us went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday tonight. I've met a lot of people in a lot of different places, but she's among the kindest of all of them. She loves the kids in her classes. And she takes the time to get to know the moms. It's not something she has to do, but I love that she does it anyway. She heeds the call to get to know others and she makes herself accessible.

And for all of that, I'm grateful.

April 18

When Brady rides alone in the stroller, he often asks for someone to hold his hand. It's a little awkward, yes, but it's also very sweet, both because he finds comfort in the act, and because Isaac and Abby are so willing to oblige their littlest brother's request.

I don't have any deep thoughts to share; it's just a sweet little time capture that reminded me that --surprise!-- the little things are important.

April 17

I spend a lot of time sticking my foot in my mouth. I'm sensitive and opinionated and I talk too much, which lemme tell ya, is a dangerous combination of traits in just one person. But the root of my chattiness is a simple one: after feeling so horribly isolated for the duration of Logan's illness, I'm afraid that loneliness will set in if I don't work really hard to maintain my friendships.

So it had quite an impact on me this morning when I not only heard a song I hadn't heard in a while -- Andy Griggs' You'll Never Be Lonely, but heard it with different ears.

I didn't hear it as a guy singing to his girl. No, to my ears, it sounded like God --or, from my Christian perspective, Jesus-- was singing those words to me. Telling me not to worry.

So did it rock my world? No. It usually takes time for these things to sink in. But I heard it and the message was received.

At least that's something.

April 16

I was struck multiple times today by the role of color in life; by how the shades of the spectrum quite literally color how we see the world.

This car --and two much like it-- hang in the doorway between our living and family rooms.

Logan colored them before he passed away, and I love how bright and cheerful they are. They're a great reminder of the brighter aspects of life.

April 15

You could say that I know a little something about how it feels to be devastated. So, to be more terse than I ought to be, suffice it to say that my heart is, at least in part, in Boston.

With that said, one of the things that my experience in this world has taught me is that even when tragedy happens, life with all of its inherent joys, pains, trials and triumphs goes on. And we have to choose to live it, even when it's hard.

After school today, Abby was delighted to find Belle outside on the playground. She ran over to see her, and as usual they hugged and giggled. And a round of silliness ensued.

Especially on days like today --the ones when the weight of the world feels heavier than usual-- it's good to remember --and to have tangible proof-- that happiness and goodness and lightheartedness still exist.

April 14

Some days, I see something that instantaneously compels me to take its picture. And of course, since that comment would otherwise be completely random, today was clearly one of those days.

Shortly after Abby and I finished running (okay, well, jogging) a 5K this morning, we were waiting to cheer her good friend Bridget on in a different race when I looked up and saw a balloon bobbing its way upward. If you look re-heal-ly closely, you can see it in the upper center of the photo, between the tree branches.

Anyway, as it happily bobbed, weaved and danced Heavenward, I couldn't help but think of my smiling, dancing Sunshine. It was almost like he was with us, watching, and then headed back Home, giving me just a momentary glance of his presence.

Kinda silly, I guess, but it made me think of God and of Heaven. And that's always a good thing.

April 13

During our afternoon walk, Abby and Isaac splish-splashed their way through a sprinkler along a stretch of sidewalk. When I took a quick, chance sideward glance, I saw this:

And for many reasons, it made me smile. And it definitely made an otherwise frustrating day feel more... hopeful.

April 12

Abby and I went for a walk this evening after our movie night showing of Cars 2. As we passed underneath this tree, she remarked on its beautiful, lush flowers.

Another reminder of the loveliness of Springtime, and of the mercies of new life and health and all things fruitful.

April 11

I've probably already posted an entry similar to the one that follows, but that's ok: it just means the same thought has come to me multiple times this year. So it must be an important one.

I saw this while Isaac, Brady and I were walking to school this afternoon:

A handful of lovely little flowers growing out of the dry, cracked earth. A reminder that some seriously beautiful things can spring forth from some seriously ugly circumstances.

April 10

I almost did a happy dance right there in the middle of Target this evening. Why? No, not because today is the 100th day of 2013 (though it is!). It was because I found these.

On clearance. Woo hoo!

They're just delicious chocolates with hard candy shells, but mmm, they're so good. And I hadn't been able to find any since Easter. Yet somehow, today, there they were. Waiting for me. And as funny as it is, it felt like a lovely little sugar coated wink.

April 9

Today's wink comes from an unusual interaction. Last night, one of my dreams featured Kristin, a friend of ours from college. Though she's awesome and we're Facebook friends, she lives in Texas and I don't talk with her particularly often. So her presence in my dream was a little bit weird.

And then things got a lot weirder when she sent me a private message this morning telling me that she dreamed about us last night.

I was stunned. I mean, what are the odds that two people who haven't seen each other for years and don't talk particularly often would dream about each other on the same night?

Okay, so that's strange. But a God wink? Definitely. In two ways, actually. I always wonder, thanks to my plentiful self esteem issues, if others really think about me. Or care about how I'm doing. So it's always a blessing to hear from friends, even if the communication is aided by a bizarre, shared sleepytime experience. And beyond that, it reminded me that there's more to life than we can see, touch, feel, smell or hear. And that God sometimes uses unusual means to communicate messages. How awesome is that?

April 8

Sometimes, a single line or verse from a song will speak to me. This is a quick stanza from Sara Evans' Stronger.

I don't relate to the message of the complete song at all; it's actually about a failed romantic relationship.

But I do relate in a very deep way to the notion of my heart not being the same after a loss. Yeah, I get that. And today, when I got in my car and the radio came on, I heard ...my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay....

Because it's true. I am a little bit stronger every day, thank God. No, I'll never be who I was. A lot of that innocence --and to a degree, ignorance-- is long gone. But I can be stronger. A little less sad. And a little more joyful over what's to come.

April 7

No especially deep thoughts to share today. I'm not in a great place emotionally, so I'll just do a quick share. Abby asked me to take this picture during our walk this afternoon:

A pretty mix of wildflowers and foxtails that she found especially attractive. Random, natural beauty.

April 6

Logan loved to color. Every now and then, I come across a piece of his artwork. When it came to coloring, he had a very specific style: he'd color the picture on one side, and then write the name of the recipient --because he colored every picture with a certain person in mind-- and his own name on the back. Somehow, although I love his pictures, I almost love the inscriptions more. This one sits on my counter.

I came across it today as I was straightening up, and as always, it made me smile.

They're like little love notes from my Sunshine. And, in a way, from God, too.

April 5

I was all set to use a different photo today. And then I flipped through my phone in search of that image and found this one. And voila, my mind was changed.

Today marked Spring Break's last hurrah. Abby asked if we could go out to breakfast at IHOP, so we did. After our food arrived, I took a few quick pics of the kiddos eating. And then I turned to Brady, who met my gaze with a cheerful, mommy-melting cheeeeeese!.

There's really nothing better.

April 4

I was sitting in my comfy chair this evening, innocently watching the American Idol results show. Near the end of the hour, Carrie Underwood returned to sing her new single, See You Again. I paid attention in a minimal way for a few minutes. And then I clued in to what she was really singing, and I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. (Well, not that I've ever been struck by lightning. It felt like a tremendous jolt.)

I think it's worth it to just paste a few of the words here, because they express so perfectly my feelings on life post-Logan. I really believe I couldn't possibly say it any better than this:

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah

It's such a tremendous testament to the truth that this life isn't the end-all, be-all of existence. An in-your-face wink. It's been a while since I've had one of those. And to think, I would've missed it had I not been enjoying my down time in front of the old tube.

April 3

I walked by our first floor powder room this morning and laughed when I saw this:

Despite the bowl of fresh cat food right there next to her in plain sight, she decided she needed to raid the bag anyway. Never mind that it's the exact same kibble in both places. It's still funny now, but my secondary, God-centric observation is a bit more sobering.

I think we all do what my cat is doing in this picture. God gives us an easy answer to a question, but for one reason or another, we don't take that plainly presented answer. Instead, we dig our heads inside the cat food bag to find our own solution. Because, you know, human ways are so much more advanced than God's. (That was sarcasm, obviously.)

Anyway, it's good to think for ourselves. To go after the cat food when the bowl is empty. But when it's already full, topped off by a benevolent provider? I hope that next time I'll have the wisdom to simply take it and be thankful.

April 2

Yep, that's a can of Woolite Upholstery cleaner. Nope, I haven't lost my marbles. (At least, I have no fewer marbles today than I did yesterday.)

I decided this afternoon that I wanted to clean my couch. I don't often feel a yen to clean, but when I do, I can be pretty serious about accomplishing my pinpointed task.

It gave me a great sense of satisfaction to scrub and scrub, removing the spills and spots that stained its cushions.

As that old saying goes, cleanliness is next to Godliness. And in a way, I think there's a lot of literal truth in that statement.

April 1

I don't have any grand observations today. Abby and I went for a quick after-dinner stroll and I snapped this photo as we circled the park.

There's just something so lovely about the interplay of light and shadow. It's a very simple manifestation of God's work that I don't often stop to appreciate, but probably should.