May 31

I saw a small patch of clover as I walked Abby home from school this afternoon.

It seemed an appropriate sight, given that Brady and I are heading back to MD early tomorrow morning and clover flowers remind me very much of my childhood. Hoping that they were a wink that good things are in store for us.

May 30

I went to Target this evening to buy some hamburger buns and Airborne. And watermelon. After I left, I noticed the colorful early-evening sky opposite the sunset. And I had to take its picture. So I drove along an extra long loop until I found a spot that would allow me to capture at least some of its glory:

Although I know the sky's coloration is likely the result of pollution, it's still beautiful. And yet another reminder that lovely things pop up in unlikely places.

May 29

I know I've said it before, but I love it when the Little Boys act like puppies:

Neither of them feel very well --we seem to have become the begrudging host of a Spring cold-- but they cuddled up together to watch TV this morning anyway.

It absolutely melts my heart when they do things like this. I never had dreams of having a great, high-powered career. My only wish was to have a bunch of kids who shared a true affection for one other. I know how much Abby and Logan loved (really, still love) each other, and it does me innumerable good to witness the bond between Isaac and Brady getting stronger over time. Because, of course, love is what it's all about.

May 28

I was diagnosed with arthritis in my knees when I was 27, so let's just say that they're not my very favorite body parts most of the time. Sometimes, they feel almost normal. But that's only some of the time. Last week, for some unknown reason, was especially tough, and I spent lots of time cuddled up with my trusty heating pad.

As I sat down in my comfy chair this evening, I looked over at it, all folded up and sitting on the arm of the couch. And I felt a sense of gratitude that heating pads even exist. I know that sounds a little weird, but man alive, do I ever taken modern conveniences for granted. Be honest: so do you. :) But some of them are pretty darn awesome, aren't they?

May 27

Today was low-key. I slept a long while, and then got up and did, well, pretty much nothing. But that doesn't mean we didn't enjoy some valuable family time:

A man and a muffin sharing a sweet moment. Few things are better than those fleeting bits of time shared between a dad and his little boy.

May 26

I tried to plant a garden this year. I really did. But Brady decided to help me. And, well, if you have kids (or have ever spent time with a two-year old), you know how that turned out. Still, despite Brady's help, this single tomato plant persevered and is currently flowering in my garden box:

This poor thing has been through so much. It was born of a seed from a tomato plant I grew last summer, a volunteer if you will, and I didn't even notice it was there until it was nearly nine inches tall. Despite the fact that it got almost no water (I didn't know it was there, after all, and Northern CA hasn't seen much rain this year) and Brady spent hours digging all around it with his little spade, it grew. And by all outward appearances, it thrived.

I think God works like that, too. He takes people who haven't had the best experiences and makes their lives fruitful anyway. And that's such a good thing.

May 25

This is Lambie, Logan's lovey.

Lambie is probably the single physical possession that Logan would've taken with him had he been able. He was my sunshine's constant companion, and as a result, he received plenty of love and affection. He made those long hospital stays more bearable and now, in his own way, he makes Logan's absence a little less painful.

Lambie stays with Adam and I these days, and seeing him makes me think of what was, and what will be again some day.

May 24

Today marked the end of an era: Isaac's time in preschool. He attended his last day at Shining Light and will start kindergarten in the Fall.

Though I have mixed feelings about the upcoming transition, I have to say that my primary emotion is one of deep gratitude. His schooling experience to date has been excellent; we've been blessed with great teachers and great classes of kids, including this one:

So though I'll deeply miss these kids and their parents and the teachers (though not quite as much since Brady will start at Shining Light this Fall!), I'm so grateful that Isaac is moving on to the next phase in his life. Though it's hard to see them grow up sometimes, it's also an unmatched blessing to watch them love, laugh and simply live.

May 23

I had a brief but meaningful interaction with Isaac this morning as we sat in the Starbucks drive through line. I shot him a smile in the rear view mirror, and he grinned back. And then he uttered the strangest off-the-cuff remark: You know, you're super big to Jesus. I gave him a funny look and asked what he meant, and he grinned again before saying it means... I love you!

It was an odd comment at the time and it came completely out of left field, but isn't that the case with much of what children say? I swear sometimes God puts words into their mouths when we need to hear them.

I, of course, didn't take a pic in the moment (because it was, after all, just a random little 20-second interaction), so I tiptoed upstairs after bedtime and snapped this one:

He's a good boy, this child of mine.

May 22

I really like this image:

It's a shot of Abby, Isaac, Brady and Adam walking across a field after Abby's Open House at school this evening. I appreciate these simple family moments, when we can (literally) bask in the glow of togetherness.

May 21

Today was, by all accounts, a big ol' mixed bag. I won't go into specifics, but suffice it to say that there were really good moments, and others that made me take very, very deep, temper-diffusing breaths. After reviewing my options, I decided to go with this as today's entry. And hopefully, the subject won't mind that I swiped her pic and wrote about her!

This lovely lass is Molly, the hem/onc Nurse Practitioner at CHO. And one of Logan's very favorite people of all-time. I was extra-specially gratified to see this picture of her with her brand new fiance on my Facebook feed this evening. Truth be told, I'd been checking her page every few days for the past two months; somehow I knew her guy was going to propose.

Anyway, her dedication to Logan and the other kids in her care is a shining example of God at work in this world.

Congrats, Molly! Somewhere on the other side, I know there's a dance party happening in your honor.

May 20

Sometimes, all I have to do is turn my gaze to the clear blue sky to be aware of God's presence:

This is what it looked like this morning. A virtual sea of beautiful blue, unaffected by the ugliness sometimes endemic to daily life.

May 19

When it comes to looks, I'm a pretty (okay, very) low-maintenance kind of girl. I'm --for better or worse-- a make-up minimalist and I always wear my blue Logan wristband and wedding and engagement rings. Though I have several beautiful and meaningful necklaces, these have become my mainstays. And they never fail to attract attention, so as I looked in the mirror this afternoon, I figured now would be as good a time as any to show them to you:

The blue one is the last Christmas gift Logan gave me, and the circular tags came from my friend Lisa shortly after he passed away. Each of the four discs bears the name of one of our children, and Logan's features a removable overlay that depicts an angel. I wear them all close to my heart because, well, it's as close as I can get to having them together, with me. Until we all move to the other side. So of course, they remind me of God's presence in this life.

May 18

I'm a big fan of country music, but lately, I've been obsessed with Emeli Sande's Next to Me. I'd never even heard of the Scottish singer/songwriter until the week of May 7, when Sande herself sang said tune on Dancing with the Stars and Candice Glover sang it again a night later on American Idol. And I heard it yet again during last week's Idol finale. (Just in case I hadn't noticed it the first two times!)

The first thing that struck me about the song were Sande's gorgeous vocals. But it wasn't until I'd heard it a few more times and really listened to the words that it blew me away.

I don't know precisely what was in Sande's heart when she wrote the words, but to my ears, they absolutely exude faith, trust and hope for the future. That in and of itself could be enough to make me think of God when I hear this song. But after I did a little more research, I became even more convinced that at least for me, it is a God wink.

When I Googled the song, I saw that it was first released as a single in Ireland. On February 10, 2012. The day before Logan passed on. While I was feeling alone and abandoned at the hospital, this song that I hadn't yet heard was playing overseas...

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling
I will find him, will find him next to me

If that wasn't odd enough, it was released to mainstream US airplay on February 12 of this year, the day after that first difficult anniversary.

I wish I could tie this entry up with a pretty bow, but sometimes it's hard to convey why some experiences, songs, sounds, smells and thoughts mean much more to me than others. All I know about this is that this song will always mean a lot to me.

May 17

While I waited for the bell to ring this afternoon, I noticed a ladybug on my pant leg. A moment after I spotted it, Isaac exclaimed that he'd found one on his sleeve. So I guess you could say it was a ladybug kind of day.

Since my mom used to call me Ladybug when I was a kid, the little visitors served as a nice reminder of times long ago. And as you all have probably figured out by now, I love a good jolt of happy nostalgia.

May 16

I was surprised when I got up this morning and found the ground wet with the remains of an overnight rain. After the boys and I drove Abby to school, we trooped over the damp pavement to our porch. Since it was a quick trip, Isaac and Brady didn't wear shoes, and as I tailed them to the front door, I stopped suddenly when I saw Brady's precious little footprints on the cement:

It reminded me, quite literally, of the Biblical promise that Jesus will carry us when we can't walk on our own.

May 15

For some reason, I heard a number of really great songs on the radio this morning. None that were especially poignant or meaningful; just fun tunes that beg me to shamelessly sing along with them as I'm driving in my car. One of the songs I heard was Mark Wills' 19-Something.

I just love that particular tune. It's peppy and fun and it always reminds me of the lighter side of life and lightens my mood.

And for those silly songs, I'm grateful.

May 14

Once upon a time, Adam and I were big baseball fans. We were regulars at the Oakland Coliseum for dollar Wednesdays, and probably consumed our weight in dollar hot dogs. We got married smack in the middle of their historic 20-game winning streak, and had the pleasure of being part of a few of those enormously electric crowds in person.

And then the kids came along, and our ardent love of the A's was replaced by an even more ardent love for them.

As we walked to school this afternoon, Isaac wedged himself into the single stroller with Brady, and my attention zeroed in on his A's hat.

And it made me remember --and be grateful for-- the memories I have of those days when life was so much simpler. And it made me even more grateful that I have at least one little guy who can rock an A's cap.

May 13

I've been in a funk lately, so I took a walk with Abby this evening to clear my head a bit. At one point, my attention was drawn to this:

A single vibrant petal still clinging to its base.

I feel like the remains of this rose sometimes, especially on the days when I feel down and demotivated. Damaged, but still connected to its life source -- the rest of the rose bush. So for that, I'm grateful.

May 12

Mother's Day. It's easily one of the hardest, most complicated days of the entire year for me. I spent much of today looking for Logan, so to speak. I didn't really see much of anything that was whoa there, there he is! noteworthy. I saw a bight red Corvette while we were out for dinner. I got a PM from a friend whose daughter was a friend of Logan's that included a snapshot of a hand-drawn picture of flowers they got for Logan on the anniversary of his trip to Heaven back in February. (My friend said it was one of two pages in a book her daughter made for her for Mother's Day.) I got another snapshot from another friend who happened to see "LOGAN" scrawled along the sidewalk today. But me? I didn't see much in person. It's a little disappointing, but I have to take the days as they come.

So here's today's picture, which is quite apropos:

I don't have any great reflections to go along with it, because sometimes, photos just stand alone.

May 11

I love weddings. And I re-he-heally love taking pictures at weddings. There's something about helping to commemorate special days that makes me happy in the purest sense possible. So when today began, I had a sea of potential possibilities for this entry: people laughing, smoking things up to White Wedding on the dance floor (which yes indeedy, is a staple at... ahem... Wight wedding receptions). There was also a first kiss, a beautiful dress, a sea of smiling children. So many ideas that I wondered how I'd ever be able to choose by day's end.

Yet despite my forethought, when the moment arrived, I knew exactly which image I would use. And I knew it the moment I picked up my phone to snap it.

This is, of course, a white rose. But it's so, so much more than a flower.

Shortly after Jenni and James' ceremony began, the pastor read off the names of a handful of relatives of theirs who had passed on. Logan's name was included. I wasn't expecting the mention, and it touched my heart. A few moments later, they left the altar, retrieved a bunch of white roses from a nearby vase, and began handing them out. I wasn't entirely sure what was going on until Jenni appeared at the end of our row and passed Adam and I each a rose.

As I fingered the petals and the grey ribbon tied around the stem, I knew I was going to cry.

See, Lambie, Logan's constant companion from his birth til his passage to the other side, made the trip with us to Idaho. He goes everywhere we go, in fact, though we didn't take him to the wedding itself. And part of me wished that we had, but fear of misplacing him compelled me to leave him in our hotel room. So when Jenni handed us those roses, it felt like he was with us. The wedding and reception wound up being so much fun, but it was that one small gesture that meant absolutely everything to me. It satisfied my primal, desperate need to know that my son is missed and remembered. And for that, I am grateful beyond words.

May 10

We flew to Boise this evening. Adam's cousin Jenni is getting married tomorrow, so we're all set for some good old Wight family fun.

I stealthily snapped this shot of Brady walking with Adam's dad as we headed to baggage claim. It's a bit blurred, but that's okay: it's still sweet.

There's no such thing as the perfect family on this earth, but I think this photo represents a lot of what family is supposed to be about, in God's eyes.

May 9

The air was surprisingly cool this morning. As we drove by the currently out-of-commission playground on the way to drop Abby off at school, Isaac spied his friends, known as The Homies (seriously), and wanted to play. So we parked and joined them.

Little boys can be surprisingly clever, and it didn't take long before they'd eschewed the chilly temp and arranged a baseball game featuring a long stick as a bat and a nut as the ball.

Since I believe that positive inspiration originates with God, this is an easy one from the creative minds of babes.

May 8

The blend of sun and clouds in today's evening sky was stunning. I tried (mostly in vain) to take pictures of the rays of sun as they emanated from the clouds toward the earth. But I'm not using any of those images; I'm using this one:

I initially snapped the shot because I liked the interplay between the light and the late-evening sky. But when I looked at it a moment later, I saw a heart.

And hearts always capture my attention, since there's no greater power than love.

May 7

Today was another BLAH one, but I did what I could do look for the good --the God-- in it.

After the boys woke me up extra early this morning with their witty repartee, I bumbled around the house getting ready for the day's events. Much to my surprise --and, embarrassingly, my delight-- I found a lonely Peppermint Patty stashed inside a Target bag in the pantry.

I'd thought the kiddos had eaten all of them, and it was a lovely surprise.

Just candy, but a favorite of mine. And so good with morning coffee!

May 6

Today was a frustrating one. Not for any particular reason; I just woke up sneezing, and was short-tempered for a number of mostly trivial reasons.

And then of course, it poured down rain this afternoon just as we had to pick Abby up from school. So what did the kiddos do between the classroom and the car?

Yep, they took off their shoes and jackets and got completely soaked. And I let them; it was a relatively warm rain. And they had fun.

May 5

I was thinking this morning that it'd been a while since I'd seen pretty clouds. You know, the ones that make you suck in your breath and think wow, what a picture. Today's late-afternoon sky looked like this:

I don't believe in coincidences, so I took it as a sweet little gift; something beautiful that I didn't ask for, per se, but appreciated nonetheless.

May 4

Certain scents can elicit powerful memories. At least, that's a truth for me. Though I suspect it's a universal one.

While Abby and I were walking this evening after dinner, we passed by several pockets of these:

They smell absolutely amazing -- soft and sweet and delicate and floral. Even better, they don't make my nose itch like so many flowers often do.

But the best thing about these flowers are the memories they hold for me. When I was in college, bunches of these grew near the library on campus. I remember how I'd slow my pace and slowly inhale that delicate scent, and then hold my breath to relish the bouquet for as long as possible.

Now, all these years later, they're not only appealing for their scent, but also for their connection to my late teens and early 20s, when life was so much less complicated.

And that olfactory connection is a blessing.

May 3

I had a few ideas for today's entry. But I chucked all of 'em after an important realization came to me this evening: today is Abby's half-birthday.

That fact hit me rather suddenly as she and I took an evening stroll along the soon-to-be-major road that passes behind our house. Eight-and-a-half on the nose.

Half-birthdays may seem silly, and in a way, they are. After all, our society celebrates everything in anniversary form. A year just seems like a logical point of remembrance.

But since I've experienced loss --since I'll never (never... sit in that word, roll in it, feel it for a minute...) get to celebrate another earthly birthday with my sweet sunshine ever again-- special days mean more. Even the special days that no one else even identifies as special will be on my radar because life --every single day of it, for better or for worse-- is worthy of celebration.

May 2

The Little Boys and I drove to Oakland today to pick up a copy of Brady's birth certificate. Somehow, I never got around to ordering one before now, and I wanted to negate the chance of any issues with flying in the months to come. Anyhow, before we hit the road, I pit stopped at Target to pick up some treats, and while we were there, of course we hit the car aisle. This immediately jumped out at me:

A pretty blue Vette. I think Logan would've loved it. I know I do. And I love that it made me think of him more, and of Heaven, since that's where he is now.

May 1

It's already May. What? How? Insanity.

Anyway, simple one today.

I took this image this morning. Then this afternoon, Isaac asked me if God made the flowers. I said yes, God made all of the beautiful things. And we get to look at those delicate pieces of handiwork every day. Pretty nice perk of humanhood, I think.