May 31

It's been an interesting experience to watch apples grow on our tree. I've never had an apple tree before, so I've enjoyed watched them go from little white blossoms to tiny bulb-like protrusions to full-fledged mini-fruits.

God does some really amazing things through plant life. Watching a plant grow is, I think, akin to watching a human life unfold in ultra fast forward; all of those stages over such a relatively short period of time.

It's a beautiful thing.

May 30

Abby can be quiet and reserved. Sometimes, I'd even call her sullen and overly introspective.

But she's not like that all the time. Sometimes, she's part of lighthearted, silly scenes like this one:

This was taken at the very end of a birthday party she went to this afternoon. She and her friends were goofing off on a pair of video game motorcycles, calling them horsies and rocking back and forth before dissolving into giggly fits.

I don't see her silly side often; Logan was the one who most often helped her bring that side of herself to the surface. So I'm grateful for the moments when I can see that element of his personality making her shine. It means so much to me that he continues to live on in her and the Little Boys.

May 29

After Isaac's dance class, I decided I wanted some iced coffee, and opted to be Nice Mommy by getting the kiddos smoothies. I quickly asked the Little Boys what they wanted (since they were with me), and they each piped up with a different flavor. So I ordered those two plus a third flavor for Abby.

Then, of course, they changed their minds and decided they wanted the flavor that I'd gotten for their sister. After a few moments of bickering, they came up with a stunning solution. I can't remember who suggested it, but it was as good as a symphony to my ears: Let's share two different ones!

And that's just what they did! One started with strawberry banana while the other claimed mango pineapple. And they spent the next 15 minutes swapping cups. Back and forth, back and forth. The sharing was amazing. But what was even more amazing was how much they loved the experience: they giggled the whole time.

So much genuine sweetness in small packages.

May 28

A brand new Hobby Lobby opened in the next town over not long ago, and Brady and I ventured inside for the very first time this morning. It's an insanely overwhelming store stuffed to the gills with every kind of crafting item I could imagine. I went in to buy a scrapbook and pages for a project I'm working on; I left with more than that (of course). My haul included these:

Brady and I traversed the aisles, taking it all in, until we came to the one devoted to car models. Brady was agog over the never-ending rows of build-able cars, but these Matchbox and Hot Wheels like minis are what got my attention. I hadn't seen this particular brand in some time, so I stepped in for a close look. I was immediately gratified to find not just one but two different Corvettes. So naturally, I bought them.

I haven't said much about it here, but I've really missed Logan lately. I'm not sure what triggered the feelings, but I actually cried last night thinking about it. And that's a big anomaly for me of late. So seeing those brand new-to-me Corvettes was like a little hug from Heaven.

May 27

I was walking through the family room tonight when I spotted this book on my recliner:

My guess is that Brady brought it to my chair so I could read it to him at some point this evening, and then he went to bed before we had the chance to check it out. I like that he likes to listen to stories. I've always been a reader so it's nice to see that he is, too.

But more than that, I love that he picked this particular book. Sesame Street gives me such a sweet jolt of nostalgia that it makes me smile to know that he loves it, too. I see God in those kinds of mom-to-child connections -- even the seemingly little, inconsequential ones.

May 26

Abby and I went for a walk this evening while Adam was putting the Little Boys to bed. Along the way, we came across a few handfuls of these little purple flowers strewn along the sidewalk.

Abby scooped them up and carried them through the duration of the stroll. I didn't think a lot of it at first, until she jokingly uttered the words that she'd so often twittered as a toddler: pick pick! Pick pick!

It was kind of her thing when she was really small: she'd toddle along, come to a stop in front of every single flower she saw, point a chubby finger in its direction, and then turn to us with an inquisitive expression on her face as she chirped pick pick?

We've told her that story many times and I know it's one of her favorites. But somehow, seeing her clutching that bunch of flowers and hearing her say those words again... it kind of took me back for a few bittersweet seconds. You see, this time, I didn't cluck no, no pick in response. This time, she got them for herself. Because she's growing up and doing more and more things for herself. And that's a blessing.

May 25

I have a two-parter today that begins with a confession: I've been on the brink of calling it quits on this blog. I can see my stats, so I know there aren't many folks who still read it. And some days, I wonder if it's worth the effort since those aHA! winks are so rare of late. But then after church this morning, out of nowhere, my friend Barbara encouraged me to keep writing. She had no idea what I'd been thinking so I took it as a green light to continue, despite the dismal numbers. I hope someone is still getting something from these entries.

Now onto point two. Since I didn't have my phone on me this morning to snap a pic in the moment, I decided to just keep my eyes open until something else popped up. And of course, I found something that's always here:

It's a silly face selfie, taken per Abby's request. My not-quite-so-little sidekick and I spent much of the afternoon watching a Diagnosis Murder marathon on the Hallmark Channel (again, because she wanted to, as funny as that is). I love seeing how her mind works; how she reasons out the cases and figures out the whodunnits. She's smart. I always wanted to have a bunch of little girls, and I may have wound up with just one, but she's the best one I can imagine.

May 24

I didn't have any grand revelations today. Actually, that's not especially unusual. Most days don't involve transcendent a-HA! moments. Nope. Today was just a beautiful, sunny Saturday that involved a handful of moments like this one:

Big sister and littlest brother, walking hand-in-hand along a worn, familiar path. It's a good sight. In a way, it's a healing sight: Abby holding the hand of a brother who isn't Logan. I know he'll always be first in her heart, but it's a blessing to see her growing and learning to love and care for the Little Boys, too.

May 23

Abby decided to host a sleepover for her dolls tonight. One of the invited guests --and as it turns out, the honoree-- is Molly the American Girl.

Molly is, as it happens, pretty old. She was mine when I was just a little older than Abby, and I was happy to be able to pass her on. Watching my daughter play and use her imagination with something that was mine... priceless. And a reminder that we have the amazing power to pass blessings down to our children (and our children's children).

May 22

Today marked Brady's last day of preschool. And I was the co-op parent. :)

After celebrating with a very low-key day, the moment to say good-bye arrived and I snapped a few photos of the class (minus Stephanie, who was absent). Here's one of the "silly" ones, since based on the expressions, they're all quite well-versed when it comes to "goofy":

Entering the school year, I had mixed feelings about Brady being part of the 3-year old class. In fact, he was initially in a 2s class, but the director of the preschool nudged me (like the way a sledgehammer nudges the pavement) about moving him up. So after a lot of thinking and mulling and praying, I consented.

And I'm really glad I did. Brady's class was a terrific one filled with great kids and great moms. So great, in fact, that most of us are moving as a block to the 4s class in the fall.

Great classes, great teachers, and great parents? Blessings indeed, all around.

May 21

Tonight, the kids' school held its end-of-year open house. In its essence, it gives parents the chance to visit the classroom and see some of the work the kids have done throughout the year. Abby was very excited to serve as a greeter during her time slot, and Isaac was happy to show us the real-deal kindergarten experience. But ironically, one of the evening's best moments (for me) came when I saw a piece written by one of his classmates.

Thomas is one of Isaac's good friends, so it was deeply gratifying to see that Thomas likes Isaac just as much as Isaac likes him. It's something special to be one of someone else's "best things about kindergarten." And feeling like my kids are well-loved and appreciated by those around them is priceless.

May 20

I don't always interpret songs they way I think the writer intends they be understood. That's the beauty of music: no matter what the author had in mind during the creative process, a single song can mean different things to different people. With that said, this song came on the radio while I was sitting in the car with Brady outside preschool this morning:

It's You Save Me by Kenny Chesney.

I've told variations of this story many times before, but it bears repeating today. During the early stages of Logan's treatment protocol when life felt much too large and scary --like some sort of ill-fitting wool coat that threatened to swallow me up in its folds of heavy, dark fabric-- the thought of Brady nestled safely in my belly kept me safe on more than one occasion. He kept me from making any rash decisions I --or others-- would regret later on. He... saved me.

So as I sat sipping my coffee and humming along with this song, it suddenly held new meaning for me, so I turned to Brady, who was standing behind me munching on a hash brown, and sang it in his direction. And then he did something surprising: he swallowed, looked at me with a curious expression, smiled, and said 'you save me.'

It was probably a moment of pure silliness on his part. But he was also right: we kind of saved each other.

And for that blessing... I'm forever and ever grateful.

May 19

The sky this evening was a stunning mix of mysteriously dark (yet regrettably rain-less) clouds and sunlight.

I don't love this picture because it doesn't really show the sunbeams that streamed through the sky, but it's as good as I could do while sitting at a stoplight on the way home from Target this evening.

I've said it before, but so much of God can be found in the earthly heavens, especially --and kind of ironically-- on the days when the skies aren't perfectly clear and blue.

May 18

I always love it when my kids like something I liked when I was young.

A few months ago, Abby and I watched the original Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills version of "The Parent Trap." Although she complained bitterly before the film began, she wound up loving it, and asked to watch it again tonight. So we did just that.

When I was a kid, that movie was one of the very first VHS tapes we ever owned, and along with "The Shaggy DA," it was the most-watched film of my childhood.

Sharing those little things with my daughter... it's a priceless blessing.

May 17

I really have no idea what she was thinking, but Abby came into the family room like this a few minutes ago:

She was very pleased with herself and laughed maniacally as I took this picture.

Her goofiness is a blessing. Sometimes, I get a bit too wrapped up in the serious stuff of being a grown up in a broken world: things like mandatory water use reductions and paying bills and keeping schedules straight and missing people who aren't here with us. So those moments of levity... they're priceless. (Even if I still have no idea what brings them on.)

May 16

Today felt very long. Good, but long. Adam worked from home so he took Abby and Isaac to school. Then I took Brady to the grocery store to pick up a few things. We had a short period of down time before I had to jet off to pick up Isaac and take him to a play date. He had a great time playing with his friend Thomas and I had a nice time talking with his parents; I've known his mom for several years now, since her older son is Abby's age. Then I brought him home, picked up Abby and took her to dance class. While she was dancing, I took a walk. Then we came home and headed out to the preschool's annual end-of-year carnival.

Food, games, bouncy houses, pony rides, balloon animals, and of course, the book fair. It's a pretty exhausting experience, especially if you're charged with manning the tennis ball toss (think plastic bowling pins and tennis balls bouncing in every direction possible every 10 seconds). But it's totally worth it because they have so much fun.

So much, in fact, that Abby --the nearly 10-year old-- declared the day 'the best day ever' as we were driving home.

I'm not sure about that, but it was a good one. And for that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for Isaac's delighted face as Crackers the clown fastened a balloon hilt around his waist and I'm thankful for the huge grin on Brady's face as he rode the pony around and around the parking lot path. Moments of childhood wonder... priceless, but so easily overlooked or dismissed. I'm thankful that I remembered to appreciate them today.

May 15

This is Logan's tree.

The church gave it to us shortly after he died. Over the winter, we weren't sure if it was going to survive; its branches were dried out and brittle and it didn't seem to have much life left. Every now and then, I'd nip at it's base to check for color, and was heartened to see the light green tissue inside.

Now, months later, it has brand new shoots and pretty new red leaves. And today, it reminded that even the most tired looking things can still be teeming with life on the inside.

May 14

Our cat isn't exactly what I'd call a people-feline. She isn't especially interested in the kids. But this morning, I encouraged Brady to pet her, and this was the result:

Moments later, Isaac gave her a few strokes. Then even Abby got in on the action by asking if she could get her a bowl of milk.

It was a nice series of events. It was good to see the cat soaking up the attention. It was better to see the kids taking care of her in their own way, because that's what we're supposed to do: take care of one another.

May 13

First things first: happy birthday to my mom, my good friend and confidante. I'm blessed to have her just a phone call away.

We did as we usually do on Tuesday or Wednesday night: went to Costco. As we were checking out, Brady was doing this:

I'd never noticed it before, but there are apparently tiny holes in the ends of the checkout lanes, right at Brady's eye level. When I asked what he was doing, he replied "x-ray vision!" and went back to spying on the checker.

That kind of creativity... it just amazes me every day. It's a blessing.

May 12

My lovely pear tree may be afflicted with a nasty case of fire blight, but its orange tree neighbor is doing just fine. A few days ago, the Little Boys plucked a mid-sized orange each from its branches, and we ate one for lunch today.

I admit that I wasn't completely optimistic, since I wasn't entirely sure it was ready to be picked in the first place, so I was completely gratified when it was completely delicious: that perfect blend of sweet and tart and drip-drip juicy. We gobbled it up.

In addition to being grateful for the yummyness that grew right in my back yard, it also reminded me to avoid making assumptions based on appearances and pre-judgments.

May 11

Mother's Day.

I never imagined that this occasion would be anything but a happy one, but it is, of course, bittersweet. I spent it with my family, opening carefully created or chosen presents, attending a brunch/pool party with extended family, stopping by Logan's grave to water his flowers.

But my favorite moments of all came when we sat down at the kids' table to dine at the Pajama Royal.

Part of my gift from Abby was a new pair of pajamas, and after Adam and I tried to figure out what to do for dinner, Abby took matters into her own hands and created a 'restaurant' at the kids' table, complete with personalized menus (note the pajamas on mine; a very good rendering of the real deal, in fact). We had chicken nuggets, apple slices, cheese sticks, taquitos, and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (and I had a spinach salad made by me; the rest was prepped by Adam). Then we sat around telling stories about our moms.

Although I wish I could hear Logan's story about me, he was present in his own way: when it came to be Isaac's turn, he shared that he remembered how Logan would always pick out necklaces for me on special occasions. And that's why he wanted to get me a bracelet.

It was a good day.

May 10

I felt chipper today. It's a notable fact because I'm not often chipper. As a matter of fact, yesterday I fell asleep in my easy chair while watching Phineas and Ferb with Brady and Isaac and again on the couch an hour before it was time to pick up Abby from school. So the chipperishness was a nice (albeit sudden and unexpected) change of pace.

We had dance class, went for a walk, and I listened to some music while Adam took the kiddos out for a few hours in the afternoon. I even had enough gas in the tank to jog on my treadmill this evening. But one of my favorite moments of the day came as we were having ice cream from Coldstone following lunch.

My four favorite people in this world, lined up and eating a cool treat on a beautifully sunny day. (Logan is, of course, in that group too; he's just not "in" this world in a way that I can come close to understanding.)

I know that I've used a lot of family photos in recent months, and there's a simple reason for that: although God is indeed in everything (if you're paying attention and seeking Him out), He's most present in the faces of my loved ones. And that is an ongoing, neverending blessing.

May 9

I had another unexpected conversation today. I was watching Abby's dance class when another mom stood next to me and suddenly starting talking. I'd seen her many times before --one of her daughters was in Isaac's class last year-- but we'd never spoken. And as it turned out, we have something in common: she too lost a son.

The circumstances of our respective losses were completely different, but the sense of pain and loss and heartache is the same. I don't know why, but I'm always shocked whenever I find out that someone else I see on a regular basis is part of his sisterhood I've joined. It reminds me in very tangible fashion that we're all injured in one way or another.

I don't really have a photo that goes with this; I knew in the middle of the conversation that it was my wink for the day, but I didn't want to whip my phone out and take a picture. So I settled for a quick pic that references dance:

It's kind of ugly, but it fits the bill.

May 8

Today was the preschool's Mommy and Me Tea. It's pretty much the same each and every year: the mommies go to chapel; the kids come in bearing roses and huge smiles and present them to us; we sit together and watch a slideshow featuring photos from the school year that's set to a trio of nostalgic country tunes; and finally, a 'tea' in the classroom. Yet somehow, it never gets old.

This is kind of a lousy pic, but it's what I quickly snapped with my cell as Brady and his friends entered the church -- he's in the center:

I didn't cry over the photos this year, but I came close more than once. Not because of Brady, but because I can't help but remember sitting there with Logan, watching HIS slideshow and thinking about how he was my little man. And I couldn't help remembering how back then, I could sing along with the lyrics of one of the songs --Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, just stay this little...-- and mean the words. And in those moments, I found myself entangled in a mess of emotion... if only Logan had gotten to grow up, everything would be so different. And I envied the moms all around me who can still sing those words with sincerity.

None of this is to say that it wasn't a good day; it's just not the same for me as it is for most others. And if nothing else, it all reminds me to be very thankful for Jesus' sacrifice and what it means for us.

May 7

I stopped to take this photo as Brady and I walked to pick up Isaac from school early this afternoon.

I don't know why it caught my attention like it did. Maybe it was the blue sky. Or may it was the way the leaves rustled in the breeze that's kept temperatures cool all week long. Or maybe it was the way the sunlight filtered from the heavens down to earth.

Whatever the reason, it's a pretty scene. And it reminds me that no matter what my circumstances, the sun keeps on shining and God keeps on blessing me.

May 6

This week is always going to be a hard one for me. May 4 and 5 marked Logan's two stem cell transplant days. They were supposed to be his brand new, back-to-back re-birthdays; the new infusion of clean, strong cells was supposed to complete his recovery. But that didn't happen. And today --the day after, two years later-- I felt it like a brick wall to the head.

I looked for him today. I'm always conscious of the painful truth that he's missing, but today was different. Today I kept turning around and thinking that I saw him; that he'd run just out of sight and of reach and that all I needed to do was to run after him, corral him and take him back into the fold.

But of course, that's not my 'I am human and this is my lot in life' reality.

Still, I was extra-mindful of observing his little brothers.

I've said it many times before, but I really do see a lot of him in the two of them (and in Abby). I see him in their shared easy sense of humor and penchant for dancing. And I see him in their smiles and in the way their eyes shine when they're being sneaky and think I don't suspect anything.

So yes. Today, I watched them and I imagined what it would be like if he were there with them. And like I do every day, I wished that things could have gone differently two years ago.

May 5

Brady and I usually stop at the park after we drop off Abby and Isaac at school each morning. He likes to make me pizza and ice cream (also known as tan bark and sand). This morning, as I sat on the play structure steps waiting for him to finish his daily 'cooking' activity, I heard him say mommy, look at this. I turned around and saw this:

I'm not entirely sure that he fully understands the meaning of the cross. He is, after all, only three years old. But he knows it's an important symbol.

And I'm thankful that he decided to show it to me, because it's always good to be reminded of that sacrifice, especially as a new week full of possibility begins.

May 4

I guess yesterday was more tiring that I'd realized, because I slept in today til nearly noon. Boing!

Sleep is so utterly important and restorative. I'm surprised I managed to stay down for as long as I did, but I'm grateful that my family allowed me to rest. It was a blessing indeed.

May 3

Today was probably the busiest Saturday I've had in a long while. I began it by donning a dress and speaking at my church's women's retreat. Then I came home, slipped into my 80s gear (and hair) and helped Abby with hers before running over to the dance studio for photo number one. Then I ran home again, and while Abby changed into her tap costume I helped Isaac into his (and tried very hard to de-frizz my hair just a wee bit. I failed). But one of the highlights of my day was my talk.

Despite the fact that I had ample time to prepare, I could never seem to come up with the perfect words, so I entered the day not entirely sure of what I'd say when the hour arrived. I just prayed that God would show up and give me the words.

And He did. I not only got through it, but I wasn't nervous and I said what I wanted to say, as well as a few things that just came to me as I was standing there. And the message seemed to resonate with some of the women there.

I love having tangible proof that God shows up when we ask Him to.

May 2

I don't live anywhere near where I grew up, so I don't get to share many personally nostalgic places or things with Abby. But every now and then, I do get to share something meaningful with her.

Tomorrow is dance picture day, so I put her hair up in socks tonight, just like my mom and grandma used to do for me when I was a kid. (We won't discuss the 16 little braids I put in my own hair to be frizz-ready for our mother/daughter Ladies of the 80s photo. Yeah. Ladies attending Centerpointe's women's retreat tomorrow, be prepared.)

Anyway, it's a blessing to be able to share those mundane but important mom/daughter experiences with my girl.

May 1

Brady and I have a little Thursday morning tradition. After we drop Abby and Isaac at school, we swing through the McDonalds drive-thru. I usually have a coffee and he gets a hash brown and some ice water. Then, we drive to preschool and sit in the parking lot while he eats and we listen to the radio.

He loves being able to roam around the car; he especially loves sitting in Abby's seat and spreading out his napkin on the center console. And I love watching him laugh and smile.

Just before he goes inside, I give him two or three pieces of candy corn from a bag I keep on the floor and he pretends they're pacifiers and laughs some more.

It's just a little weekly routine, but I treasure it.