Tuesday, March 31, 2015

March 31

This is pretty much what Spring Break looks like at our house:

I know a lot of people like to cram a lot of activity into break weeks, but I'm not like that. Nope. I prefer to just sit at home and watch the kiddos come up with their own versions of fun. Sometimes, they come up with great ideas, like staging plays and creating complicated games in the back yard. But today, they kept it simple: Isaac and Brady played video games. Brady built with Legos. Abby dressed up like a princess, played with her new bunny toy and, well, played some video games, too.

We didn't do much, but it was still a good day because I got to watch them do their own things, how they wanted to do them. It's nothing extraordinary, but it's a blessing.

Monday, March 30, 2015

March 30

Abby came home today from Adam's parents' house bearing gifts: a pumpkin pie that she helped bake and a stack of homemade Easter cards.

Part of me is always afraid of the day when the kids will stop including Logan in their cards or special projects. Not that I think that will ever happen; I just don't know. I can't see the future, after all.

Anyway, it took me a few hours to work up the courage to look through Abby's pile. And when I did, there it was: the card I feared wouldn't be there. The one for Logan.

In hindsight, my worry was ridiculous, since Logan is very much alive in his best friend's heart. And he always will be. And for that, and for every card that's been made for him, I'm thankful.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

March 29

We visited Logan's grave today. The lavender we planted last year is thriving; beautiful, bright, and abuzz with a host of busy bees.

It's a little strange, but I love how the bees are drawn to the lavender. They add such vibrant life to a space that's otherwise quiet, still, and essentially devoid of all activity.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

March 28

Once upon a time (a few years ago), I'd notice and remark on every single Corvette that crossed my line of sight. It seemed a natural thing to do, since they were Logan's favorite and each one we saw would spur memories of his little voice chirping about their sleek coolness.

Gradually, I stopped talking about every single one. But I've always noticed them. Every single one. And I've taken mental photographs of every single one; I store them in my heart so I can pull them out and ruminate over them whenever I feel the need.

Today, for some reason, those beautiful cars seemed to be everywhere we went.

There was a yellow one on the way to lunch. Then there was a red one during our second attempt at going to lunch. (A forgotten wallet disrupted the usual routine and commanded an unplanned trip home.) And then this white one sat in the parking lot near our car after lunch.

Seeing so many of them over such a short span of time... it unleashes a flood of memories of our sweet boy. And for that, I'm infinitely thankful.

Friday, March 27, 2015

March 27

This morning, Brady's preschool celebrated Easter. In addition to a celebratory pot luck lunch and some time in the classroom, we had a chapel session that featured the kids singing little songs and, of course, the telling of the Easter story.

Without going into details, something made me feel a flash of anger as we sat there in the church waiting for the program to start. Just as I felt the jolt of irritation hit me, I heard the preschool director addressing the kids in her usual good-natured, sing-songy tone. I heard her telling them that Jesus is forgiving.

I let it sink in for a moment. And then as Brady's class made their way to the front for their Easter stage debut, I looked up at the overhead screen and saw the words once again: Jesus is Forgiving. Sometimes, "winks" are less "winks" than they are virtual two-by-fours to the forehead. Jesus forgives, and so must I.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

March 26

This guy was my shopping date this morning.

Since he didn't complain toooo much at Target, I stopped on the way out to get him a chocolate cake pop and a cup of ice water. (And since I too was good, I got myself some vanilla iced coffee.) And we sat for a spell and enjoyed our drinks.

I love watching this muffin. I love the way he smiles at me like that and how he's quick to apologize if he knows he's done something wrong and how though he definitely has a feisty side, he's still super sweet, too.

I'm so thankful for these little moments that are so easy to miss.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

March 25

These girls crack. Me. Up.

I picked up Abby, Isaac, and Abby's friend M from school today. We came home, they all did their homework, and then I sent them outside with popsicles. (It was warm, don't worry.) This was the result when I said "okay, pose."

A pair of Abby's Sunday School teachers recently remarked that she'd really come out of her shell in recent months, and I can totally see it. I'm deeply thankful that despite some less than ideal circumstances, she's continuing to thrive. I think it would make Logan very happy and proud to see his best friend happy again. And both the tangible reality and the theoretical thought... they're blessings.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

March 24

Tuesdays are my uber-busy days. And once a month, they're doubly uber busy because in addition to school, dance, and t-ball, I also have my deacons' meeting at church.

As I took a trip through the McD's drive thru for a coffee pick-me-up on my way to said meeting, the sun was in the process of setting. And it was a pretty spectacular sight.

The layers of cloud and light and blue, blue sky made for a stunning visual display. And I stole a few moments to pull over and enjoy it, too. I spend a lot of time not fully appreciating the beauty God created in nature, but tonight, this scene provided a much-needed sense of respite.

Monday, March 23, 2015

March 23

There's really nothing quite like starting off a new week by watching a line of first graders excitedly exclaiming look! A rainbow!.

It sprinkled a little as we stood in line outside Isaac's classroom this morning. The sky was mostly dark and it could've been a dreary experience, had a small group of cuties outside the next classroom over not noticed the rainbow and happily pointed it out to one other and passersby alike.

Youthful exuberance rocks.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

March 22

Adam got to play with a chainsaw this afternoon.

This is our back yard. And the green grass on the other side of the gaping hole in the fence is our neighbor's back yard.

We're in the process of having a new fence installed, but found ourselves in something of a pickle: the fencing company refused to put in the new fence until an old tree stump was fully removed. But the tree guy couldn't get to the stump to remove it --because it straddles the property line-- until the fence was gone. So Adam and his chainsaw buddy started the renovation, and at some point this week, the professionals will take over and fix the "damage" that had to be done to help the project move forward.

The whole thing feels very silly and overly complicated, but life is often like that. And the big hole in the fence provides an excellent illustration of what it can feel like to begin anew. It's easy to feel exposed and conspicuous when in the midst of life changes. But in order to grow, sometimes we have to grin and bear those awkward in-between moments before the "new fences" of life are completely installed.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

March 21

This is the chair that sits at our desktop computer. It's a raggedy old thing, featuring a stained seat cushion and residue from stickers long-gone.

But the most tiresome thing about this chair is how its shoulder joints come apart: if I lean too far in one direction or the other, I risk taking a tumble. Fortunately, though, it's easy to just turn around and pop it back together.

Sometimes, I feel like this chair; like I'm coming apart at the seams, overwhelmed and taxed to my limit. But also like this chair, I know I'm not broken beyond repair. Sometimes, it just takes a little tweak to get me back in shape.

And I'm thankful for that simple reminder.

Friday, March 20, 2015

March 20

A few months ago, Abby gently told me that it would be okay if I came over to her line in the morning, gave her a hug, and then waited with Isaac in his line across the school yard. It represented a big departure from previous times, when the two of them would bicker over whose turn it was to have me nearby. I won't lie: it hurt a little. But I know it's developmentally appropriate, so I smiled and said okay. And since that day, it's been our routine. But every day, I still look over toward her side of the blacktop and nab stolen glances at her as she talks with her friends and dances in place and looks up at the sky. And considering the fact that the scene looks like this, it's pretty amazing that I can always find her in the crowd:

It's incredible to me that despite the distance and despite the large number of milling children and parents between us (look closely, way, way on the other side of the blacktop), I'm always able to find my girl. Some days, it feels like I'm seeking a needle in a haystack, but amazingly, my eyes always seem to zero in on her.

I know I have to give her this freedom, but it's totally God's provision --and blessing-- that I'm able to pick her out in the crowd every time I feel the need to do so. It makes giving her some space a much easier task. And it also reminds me that even when I can't see her, we're still very much connected.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

March 19

As sometimes happens, nothing really stood out to me today, so I'm going with an everyday kind of moment from this evening.

Adam's on a short business trip to Oregon, so it was just me and the kiddos for dinner. I took a picture of them to text to Adam, and then decided to flip the phone around so they could take their own selfie.

The thing that amuses me the most about this image is that Abby decided to put her arm out like she was the one taking the photo, even though it was me who held the phone and pushed the button. It's a relatively small thing, but it's a blessing to me to see that kind of quick thinking in my kids as they continue to grow.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

March 18

Today was a rough one. I was still tired from getting home so late from Hollywood the other day, and then I was up most of last night with a stomach issue. But I made it through the day and to Isaac's t-ball game this evening. After Adam left the sports park to head to the airport for a business trip and the game came to a close, we headed to McD's to pick up a quick dinner.

I was surprised when I arrived at the pick-up window and the employee handed me an Oreo McFlurry, because I certainly hadn't ordered one. I tried to give it back, and he shook his head and insisted I take it. "It's a gift," he told me. So I put it in the cup holder, got the rest of the food, and drove home.

Even though my tummy wasn't really in a place to want cookies and ice cream, I was still thankful for the gesture (even though I'm pretty sure I got it because someone made a mistake!). It reminded me that it's important to recognize and be grateful for those little surprises that pop into life now and again.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

March 17

It probably seems like we live at Costco. We don't. But today's entry is brought to you by... the Costco food court.

We were having pizza for dinner tonight when Brady suddenly gestured to the spot across the table and remarked "I wish Logan was sitting right there."

I know he doesn't remember his biggest brother from actual memories, but I'm so happy that we've managed to keep him alive in his heart anyway. It's a ginormous, Costco-sized blessing to know that my Sunshine's sweet character continues to live on.

March 16

It's been a whirlwind 36 hours. Sunday afternoon, I road tripped it to Hollywood with three other gals --two friends and one new friend I didn't know prior to the trip-- to attend the season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" today. (Which I will still call "today" even though it's technically 3 AM on Wednesday; I just rolled in so I couldn't write before now.)

I'm wiped out, but the experience was a real blessing to me. It was fun to hang out with other women for a slightly extended period of time. It was amazing to meet Sadie Robertson (who was last season's runner-up). It was really amazing when Derek Hough showed up in the holding area and I got to shake his hand and wound up being visible in the season-starting video clip he took and posted to Instagram.

Although those things all pale in comparison with the truly big things in this life, it was nice to just have a good time and enjoy something I've appreciated for a long time now in person, and I thank God for the blessing.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

March 15

Today, we went to Adam's brother's house for a naming ceremony for our nephew. I rather enjoyed listening to everyone make wishes and blessings for the little guy. But it was Eric's explanation of why they chose the middle name, Lev, that got me.

We knew that they'd chosen an "L" name to honor Logan, but the tribute he gave to Logan's tenacity, bravery, and kindness and how he said they looked forward to raising Theo to "know" Logan through stories and pictures brought tears to my eyes.

That kind of thing... it's a blessing without compare to someone like me: someone who so wants her Sunshine to live on in the hearts of those who love him.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

March 14

Even though it was warm and humid today (seriously, like 84 degrees -- ridiculous for March!), we went for a stroll this evening. Adam and Isaac took the lead, while Abby and I brought up the rear and Brady ran back and forth between our two little groups.

The way he runs is completely and utterly precious. He sways his arms back and forth and bends his little elbows with such incredible energy, gusto, and determination that I find myself smiling at the sight every single time.

For those little things that my kids do that make me smile... I'm so thankful.

Friday, March 13, 2015

March 13

There's something about taking pictures in this particular tree that my kiddos --especially Brady-- find absolutely fabulous.

But this entry is less about the exact moment the photo was taken and more about the one that preceded it. Brady, as usual, called Abby and Isaac over to the tree because he wanted to take the usual shot. Isaac quickly climbed to take Brady's usual spot, and the little guy took offense. As he pouted, Abby seemed to think for a moment before summoning him to join her. She showed him how he could climb up the side of the tree and create his own unique poses by waving an arm or a leg. It was an acceptable substitute to Brady, so we took the photo and headed home.

I'm pleased that Abby was willing to sacrifice her usual place to make her youngest brother happy. It shows maturity, and I'm thankful --for the upteenth time-- that I'm watching her grow up into such a sweet young lady.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

March 12

We had dinner outside on the patio this evening. It was the first time in quite a while that we did so, and with the exception of a little bug-related skittishness (*coughcough* Abby *coughcough*), we had a pleasant enough time dining together.

At one point, I looked over at Brady and was struck by the reality stick: though he's my baby, he's not a baby anymore. His little legs are long enough that he almost looked comical sitting in his old booster seat. His pants bore the mark of many a chalk drawing he skillfully created by his own hand. And his sweaty brow gave away the vigorous laps he'd taken around the yard as the meal cooked.

Nope, my baby is a big boy. And it's such a blessing to watch that big boy continue to grow, even if sometimes, I do wish I could stop time and hold onto the simple, pure joys of this age a little longer.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

March 11

It was Abby who noticed this flower as we walked home from school today.

A beautiful, vibrant red flower growing amid a sea of rocks, thriving despite less-than-ideal surroundings. The parallels to human life are obvious: we can not only survive but flourish when life pelts us with lemon after lemon.

For that provision --for perseverance and patience and acceptance and flexibility and all of the other God-given blessings that help us to keep growing even when life is hard-- I'm thankful.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

March 10

Today is Adam's birthday, so we're once again the same age. After a very busy day for me that involved school drop-off, a trip to the doctor's office (for Brady), stops at a few stores (for presents and cake), dance (for Abby), and t-ball (for Isaac), we finally headed home, picked up Adam (and Lambie), and headed back out for our customary celebratory dinner at Chili's, his restaurant of choice.

It's such a blessing to be able to celebrate milestones and achievements and accomplishments with family. There's nothing as amazing as family and the love that we're blessed to be able to share every single day of every single month of every single year of this life.

Monday, March 9, 2015

March 9

Abby and Isaac literally stopped to smell the roses at Costco this evening.

They floated from one colorful bunch to the next, smelling one bloom after another (though Isaac, citing their girliness, flatly refused to sniff the pink ones). I asked them if they smelled nice, and they said yes. So I leaned in to take a whiff, too.

Though I can't say that I'm fully ready for the arrival of spring and my allergies, I do love the colors and smells and life that accompany the season.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

March 8

I got to cuddle a little bitty baby today.

Our nephew --Adam's brother's first child-- was born back on Valentine's Day. Ordinarily we try to see babies as soon after birth as possible, but a string of poorly-timed illnesses at our house made it impossible until today.

There's something incredible about babies. They're so sweet and mild and helpless that you automatically feel the need to take care of them. It was a huge blessing to finally meet such a fresh little blessing, and to see my kiddos' interest in him, too.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

March 7

Back when Logan was born in 2006, I assumed we'd be at the ballpark playing t-ball in 2010 or 2011. It didn't happen that way, and our family's official initiation into the world of baseball was postponed until today, when Isaac hit the field for his very first game ever.

He had a good time, I think. Adam's parents drove down to watch. The ball found its way into his glove a few times and he successfully hit it off the tee in each of the three innings played.

As we walked back to the car afterward, Adam pointed out a sunny yellow Corvette in the parking lot, just behind the field where our A's took on the Royals. I'd seen it earlier, but didn't absorb the meaning of that car until Adam said something: it was as if the car being in that spot was a wink from above; a sign that Logan was watching his younger brother's sporting debut after all.

Moments like that... when it's as if he's found a way to be with us despite his physical absence... they make him seem less far away. And that's a priceless feeling.

Friday, March 6, 2015

March 6

Today was a pleasant enough collection of hours, marked by some time all to myself, beautiful sunny skies, and an 'are you sure it was just February?' brand of mild temperature. But I didn't really have an aha kind of moment.

I did, however, have some time to just look at the sand in the sandbox while Brady and Isaac played after pick-up. And for some reason, I took this picture.

It may sound bizarre, but in a way, I relate to sand. Sometimes I feel very small and insignificant and subject to the oft-inexplicable whims of a much larger, substantially more powerful force.

But it's all okay, because God knows those grains of sand. And if He knows something as basic as sand, He really knows me.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

March 5

I love these little faces.

I love how they love on each other every single day. I love how even though they look physically different, there are moments --like this one-- when they look so very much like brothers that it makes me laugh aloud.

I say it often because it's the truth: sibling love is precious, and I'm blessed to be able to watch 3/4 of my kids enjoy it every single day.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

March 4

Sometimes I worry that I'm starting to forget those little details that made Logan distinctly himself. I was thinking about that this morning as I dropped Brady off at preschool and headed to the store.

Then at Target, I saw these on a clearance rack:

Logan had a real thing for flame jobs. He loved them on cars, but honestly, he loved them period. He's the only kid I've ever known who would draw rows and rows of flame jobs --just flame jobs-- on a sheet of paper. I don't know if it was the color variations that caught his eye or something else entirely, but I know that he loved them. So these little gloves immediately caught my eye and made me smile.

Those little reminders --which invariably show up when I need them the most-- are priceless.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

March 3

I've probably walked by this little box 1,000 times but today, I stopped to look at it up-close for the first time.

It's just your run-of-the-mill, plain white paper jewelry box. At some point, Abby decided it needed special adornment, and she chose hearts. I have no idea what inspired the design, but I like the feeling behind it.

The world, after all, can always use a little more love.

Monday, March 2, 2015

March 2

Abby isn't big on having anyone touch her hair. Ever. So I was surprised when she quietly approached me this morning and asked if I could do some small braids.

I'm a visual learner, but I tried my best to follow her (surprisingly detailed) instructions. I think she was pleased with the outcome.

Just when it starts to feel like she's slowly dancing out of my reach, she does something like this that reminds me that she's still my girl. As more and more time passes, those little gestures are huge blessings to me.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

March 1

With Isaac down for the count with a fever and me slated to serve communion this morning, I took Abby and Brady to church solo. As I stepped outside and looked up at the sky, I was struck --as I often am-- by how beautiful it was.

As a non-native Californian, there are plenty of things that I don't like about living here, but the weather is most definitely not one of them. It was a blessing to start out a brand new, possibility-filled month with such a lovely day. (And as a little bonus, it put me into a frame of mind that allowed me to get a lot out of the church service, too.)