July 31

Nine years old. Logan's birthdays are always kind of strange for me; on one hand, I can't believe that I first met him nearly a decade ago. On another, I can't believe he's been gone for three-and-a-half of those years. On another (because I apparently I have three hands), I can't believe that someone who left us so soon left such an enormous mark on my heart.

We spent his birthday together: chocolate chip pancakes (shaped as Ls, of course) while watching old home videos of his birthdays. A round of Pin the Car on the T-Shirt that Abby put together. A trip to Walmart to buy some fresh plants for his grave and a quick stop at the Children's Miracle Network donation container to watch a quartet of quarters spin their way into the collection below. Lunch at Red Tractor, where for some reason, the guy at the register gave Adam FOUR coloring sheets even though we're regulars and he knows that we come with three kids each and every visit. Party City for some balloons, then the cemetery to plant the flowers and release the balloons; mine was vibrant orange and when the time came, I had a hard time letting that ribbon slip through my fingertips, but I did it anyway and watched it dance away into the blue sky above. Home for a quick rest, then off to dinner at Outback --where we were seated at a table for six; it was hard to not stare at that empty chair-- for some of that brown bread he loved so much. Then home so the kids could decorate the cake, then cake, which saw Lambie (who tagged along all day long) help the three of them blow out the candles since Logan couldn't do it himself. And that pretty much brings us to now; to me listening to Abby, Isaac, and Brady play with the new trio of Disney Infinity figures we gave them, since I couldn't bear to celebrate a child's birthday without at least one present given and received.

All in all, it felt like a good day. I battled tears a few times, but never let them fall. At least, I haven't yet. It could still happen. But in spite of my sadness, I'm thankful that Logan was here. I'm thankful for the moments we had with him. And I'm thankful that I will see him again someday.

Happy birthday, my Sunshine.

July 30

Usually, I take walks because I feel like I haven't gotten in enough steps. Tonight, I took one because I needed to clear my head. I know tomorrow will be emotionally draining and I needed to take a few steps back from the chaotic reality that swirls around me each and every day.

I'm so glad I did, because the sunset was magnificent. From the moment it caught my eye a few steps from my driveway, I was captivated. I actually altered my planned route because I wanted to be able to look up at it whenever the urge struck. I wanted to bask in its glory. I wanted to feel small. I wanted to feel God's overwhelming presence. I wanted to be conscious that (as the preschool saying goes) the great big God loves an itty bitty me. And as I gazed up at those rays that looked so much like arms reaching out to embrace the world, I did all of those things.

And it was magnificent.

July 29

I only took a single photo today but somehow, it works.

I was at Costco pricing something this morning when he and Isaac found the A's ticket vouchers. Isaac is the one who's a huge baseball fan, but it was Brady who asked me to take a picture, probably because he wanted to be like his bigger brother by expressing interest in his bigger brother's passion.

That's sweet in and of itself, but it goes beyond that. Even before Adam and I got married, we were big A's fans: we routinely went to $1 Wednesday night games and enjoyed $1 Wednesday night hot dogs. We stood in line for bobblehead giveaways. The team was even in the middle of their famous 20-game winning streak in 2002 when our wedding day rolled around, and we went to a handful of those historic games to be part of the excitement that electrified the Coliseum.

Good times, they were. And seeing Brady with that little piece of cardboard brought it all back.

July 28

It was hot outside today, and rather than being stuck inside all day long, we took a field trip to Target. While we were there, the kiddos stopped to take pictures in the Barbie display located in the toy aisle.

It was a purely silly 10 minutes as they took turns giggling and posing in front of the giant mirror. But it was fun for them, and there's value in that innocent enjoyment. I'm thankful for the simple but pointed reminder that the ability to enjoy childhood is a blessing.

July 27

I took the kiddos out for breakfast this morning, just because. On the way to the restaurant, Life is a Highway played on the radio, so I cranked it up. Then later on, we went by the mall. While I used the restroom, the Little Boys got their groove thing on in front of a mirror in the lounge.

Despite a complete lack of music, they bopped along to the tunes in their little minds.

They may seem like two entirely separate experiences, but they're not: they're both distinctive and very precious reminders of their big brother. And especially as his birthday approaches, I'm thankful for those sweet little moments as they pop up.

July 26

Logan's birthday is this coming Friday. I don't think I'm ever really ready for it, per se, but this is the first year it's caught me by surprise. I mean, wasn't it just mid-June? Didn't school just get out? Anyway, today we went to Adam's parents' house to celebrate my sister-in-law E's birthday. Before Logan got sick, they were birthday buddies. And it's so painful --moreso than I can express with words-- that there's only one July celebrant now. But he didn't go completely forgotten this afternoon: my mother-in-law had Abby, Isaac, and Brady make little memory pages using the letters in his name.

It was a very simple thing, but so important. It's absolutely, vitally important to me that Logan be remembered, even though he's not here to blow out candles or open presents or eat cake. He's a huge part of my life and he will forever own a piece of my heart.

July 25

During the early part of our day, the kiddos bounced their way through a fun trampoline birthday party. Then this evening, we watched "The Little Mermaid" and skipped the usual group walk, so I opted to go solo. And I was surprised when Abby decided to join me.

She was in full-on silly mode as we trotted along, and much of our conversation was purely nonsensical. I snapped this pic as she was tossing her hair "Ariel-style" and subsequently dissolving into a fit of laughter.

My girl can be very serious --too serious sometimes, I think-- so it's always an awesome blessing to see her let loose and be a goofy kid. A real, emotionally unencumbered, joyful kid.

July 24

Another mostly quiet day here on the home front; another day of blessed (mostly) quiet harmony. While Isaac and Brady spent (probably too much) time playing a video game together, Abby worked on various projects of her own imagining.

At one point, she disappeared up the stairs and returned a few minutes later with a collection of origami pianos she'd put together. Then she gave me the step by step lowdown on how to build my own.

Of course, my kids teach me things every single day. But it's kind of neat that she's of an age now when she can actually teach me how to do something new. There are definitely preteen-ish growing pains going on, but the quiet moments with her are a big blessing.

July 23

For the past few years, we've been graced with a few particularly hearty volunteer tomato plants in the garden bed. There are a few this year as well, but the extended drought has made them less healthy than usual. But this year we have a volunteer pumpkin vine along the fence.

It amuses me to no end that this pumpkin plant just took root and is growing so happily. I've tried growing pumpkins before and my deliberate efforts have never yielded any results.

Just goes to show that plants grown by God's hand alone are truly special.

July 22

Today was a mostly peaceful one at our house: minimal bickering, lots of laughing, and even more interactive, multi-sibling play. The most popular game of all involved several stuffed animals, a baby doll, and a load of baby doll supplies (like a playpen, a carrier, and a swing) that Abby lugged out of the garage and put together.

They baby-sat each others' babies and had a good time swinging them and putting them to bed and feeding them. They went from room to room playing their game, and the three of them all enjoyed themselves equally.

It's always good to be a parent, but it's especially good when the kiddos thrive in one another's company.

July 21

Our short trip to the mountains came to a close today, but not before we played one last board game.

For the kids, "the cabin" and "board games" are synonymous terms, probably because the cabin features an entire closet filled with them: Clue, Sorry, Life, Stratomatic Football, just a bunch. Their favorites this go-round were clearly Clue and Life, and this morning they opted to make the latter their swan song for the trip.

As I watched them play, it amazed me to see how much they've grown. Brady can't read, but he played along, spinning and moving his little car and excitedly counting out his money and taking part in the challenges as they arose. Isaac read each of his cards aloud, rarely missing a word, and smiled like a goon whenever his spin revealed that he'd added another baby to his brood. And Abby... she thinks and strategizes.

And of course, beyond all of that, it was a blessing to see them enjoying something together.

July 20

Today we took a drive up the mountain to hike the loop around Lake Alpine. It was, all in all, a fun day. We got a little lost a time or two, which led to a little wandering off the beaten path (which happens to be one of Adam's specialties), but eventually, we figured out where to go and were rewarded with some pretty great views and even greater memories.

There was the lake itself, of course, and how Isaac loved "skipping rocks" (which pretty much involved him chucking as many huge rocks as possible into the water). We also laughed over the trail itself; over how one tiny stretch featured five signs while the rest of it was woefully under-explained. And then there were the two little chipmunks who begged for our peanut butter sandwiches and granola bars when we stopped at a shady campsite by the water for lunch. I think the kiddos were enthralled by how friendly they were (but no, nature is nature, so we didn't give in to their pleading little paws). Even Brady was happy with the day, and as we got back into the car, he remarked --several times-- that he'd had a good day.

A good day is an even better blessing.

July 19

Today was not without its frustrations. Let's just say that some members of our party had less than zero interest in walking around the redwood groves, and said short people decided to make said opinions known (repeatedly. And very loudly. And with accompanying gnashing of teeth and persistent foot-dragging). But we pressed onward anyhow, and wound up having some really nice moments (mixed in with the dicey ones) as we made our roughly 5.5 mile round-trip.

I took a bunch of photos with my phone (after discovering, mid-walk, that something is very wrong with my DSLR... yes, I wanted to scream, but that's for another time). There are some very nice shots of us walking along the trails with the sunlight gently kissing our hair. There are others of the redwoods soaring so high into the sky that you can't really make out their highest branches. There are a few that a very (very!) large group of tourists took for us inside the Plaza Hotel (which is, for anyone not initiated in tree knowledge, a big old Sequoia). But this one is perhaps my favorite. It features my favorite hiking partners (even the whiny ones), and it features Brady making Logan's sign. Because this --despite all of the imperfections we encountered today-- is what matters: being together, enjoying one another's company, and experiencing this life.

July 18

We rarely travel, partly because it can get pricey and partly because it's not a lot of fun to travel with the kiddos and partly because I find the whole prospect of packing and settling in a different place for a few days and then leaving again stressful. But if I'm honest, it's mostly because Logan can't be with us. He's no longer part of the memories we create together, and that's hard.

Still, Adam took a few days off so we could visit his parents' cabin, so we headed up today. And when we arrived, Brady turned on the TV... and ABC Family just happened to be playing Cars.

And then when that ended, Cars 2 began.

So in a way, it felt like Logan was still with us in his own way. It makes sense that he would be; we have memories of him here with us, after all.

And though they're not perfect solutions to our heartbreak, the memories and that notion always make me feel a bit better.

July 17

Today marked the close of VBS week. It's been a good one for the kids and also a good one for me: personal time during the summer months is rare, and I'm thankful that I got to have a few hours to myself each day!

But beyond that, I'm thankful that the kiddos had a good time. It was a blessing to me to know that they were well-taken care of and enjoying themselves while I was off enjoying my me time. It's a blessing all-around.

July 16

It feels good to know when I'm given an opportunity to make someone feel welcome and actually succeed at making it happen. It began this morning when I was sitting inside Starbucks drinking an iced coffee while I checked my email. An older woman sat down in the chair across from me, and for some reason, I smiled and told her that her dress was pretty. (It was; I just don't always go out of my way to say nice things to complete strangers.) She thanked me and then asked if I knew how to connect to the internet. I looked at her phone (which wasn't easy since the display was entirely in Mandarin!) and finally told her that sometimes, it just takes a few minutes to connect. She smiled and sat back down.

A few minutes later, I noticed she'd gotten out a notebook and pen and was busily consulting her phone as she scribbled words I couldn't read (in addition to what looked like a cross). As I got up to leave, I asked if the internet was working yet, and she said it was. Then she thanked me for being "so kind" and added that she was visiting from Beijing. I asked how she'd enjoyed her trip, and she said kind people like me make her enjoy it very much. I thanked her and said I hoped she'd enjoy the rest of her time here, and then I left.

I know that the international community often views Americans as rude and selfish. I don't think that's necessarily a fair appraisal of all of us, so today, it was an honor --and a blessing-- to be able to represent the US in a positive way. And beyond that, it was a blessing to be able to express the love of Jesus to someone else in such a simple --but still powerful and profound-- way.

July 15

Water is a funny thing. It can be solid, liquid, or gas. It can be so calm that it's virtually still but it can also rage and pitch with tremendous fury.

I thought about all of that while the kids were swimming this afternoon. I watched the water swish back and forth in the pool and was, once again, impressed by how versatile it is. It's a pretty neat creation, if you ask me.

July 14

When I was growing up, I listened to a lot of music by Amy Grant. I had several of her albums and played them so often that I could probably, all these years later, still sing along if the occasion arose. This sight at the park immediately brought the words of one of her songs to mind:

Thy Word, which was inspired by Psalm 119:105, is, at its core, about trusting the Word of God and allowing it to be life's primary guide. It was a God-thing that those old lyrics came to mind so quickly and so naturally as I peered up at the street lamp. It was a good reminder of what's real and what's important.

July 13

It's VBS week, the week that the kiddos spend the morning hours hanging out with other kids at church, learning more about Jesus and having fun. Of course, it doubles as the week that I get to see and talk with people I don't run into very often, and the solitary summer week when I can run errands without said children tagging along.

I took one photo before we left the house this morning, but since Brady didn't have his shirt at the time, I took this one at drop-off time. It's a pretty lousy image, with the blinking by things three and four and the overly forced smile from thing one, but it's reality, so it's all good.

No big thoughts, really: I revel in this sweet reality of my little but still very real people going to their camp and having a good time while I have some free time. A blessing on both ends, I think.

July 12

As we walked this evening, I turned around at one point and found Abby, Isaac, and Brady all hunched over the earth, writing with fingers and sticks in the loose, dusty dirt that makes up the trail.

They were consciously leaving marks; not just striding through, but taking the time to create something that said "hey, I was here."

Some folks leave big marks on this world, while others leave smaller ones that are virtually guaranteed to go unnoticed. But here's the thing: all of our marks matter, because God notices every single one.

July 11

We spontaneously had lunch with our old friend K today.

She cracks me up. I can't remember exactly what it was that we were laughing over here, but even Abby was in on it (hence the bizarre, definitively unposed expressions).

I don't say it often enough, but I'm very thankful for her and for all of my friends. We may not agree on every subject that arises, but they make my life richer, more amusing, and just plain better (especially when enthusiastically consuming delicious meatloaf sandwiches).

July 10

After another low-key day, I have another simple entry.

My mini muffin and his full-sized role model, getting ready to head out for a short after dinner stroll. They even had identical treats in hand, because Brady's response to the question "what kind of popsicle do you want?" was, of course, "whatever kind daddy is having!"

It's a daily blessing to see them growing together and learning from one another. And of course, in a broader sense, it's a blessing for all five of us --and Logan in spirit-- to be together and grow together as a family.

July 9

The weather today was unseasonably cool and overcast, but all in all, the hours that passed were pleasant and peaceful enough. The kiddos played (mostly) quietly this morning as I conducted two interviews over the phone, and then this afternoon, we headed off to swimming, where Abby earned a ribbon for the breaststroke.

I enjoy the downtime I get while I sit on the bleachers watching this guy and his cohorts in the pool. It's a blessing to have the time to take them to class, and to see them have fun while learning a skill that will suit them well in the future.

July 8

On the surface, this is a photo of the Little Boys acting like weirdos at dinner tonight. But as cute and silly as they are, they're not the actual subject of the image.

I don't know the guy in the white t-shirt so I felt strange taking a photo with him in it, but I was so captivated by his shirt that I had to do it. A lot of people feel like faith should be quiet. Private. Never put on public display. But this guy clearly isn't one of those people. His shirt openly proclaims Christ, and I think that's totally awesome.

The idea of living out faith in such open fashion is a little scary to me, but I always think "you go" whenever I see someone actually doing it. I'm thankful for those people heeding the call, and for the way they make me evaluate how I express (and better yet, how I can be better about expressing) my own faith.

July 7

I had a crappy evening. Without rehashing it all, it was partly my fault, partly not. I took a little shopping trip to try to defuse my frustrations, and it wound up being a Car night.

I guess it's pretty silly since I'll never again get to see Logan smile as he excitedly rips the packaging off brand new "Cars with faces," but as I've said before, I still collect them. I smile whenever I see a new one that's not in my collection; if I close my eyes and let my mind wander back in time, I can still see his eyes light up with grateful enthusiasm every time I gave him a new one while he was in the hospital.

I'm thankful to have those memories. And I'm thankful that something new can help to bring them to mind, and that this one time, the resellers who typically deplete the supply hadn't yet gotten a chance to do their thing.

July 6

Today was just a regular day. In the morning, we sat at home playing video games and watching TV. In the afternoon, we headed to the pool for the first of two weeks of daily swim lessons for the kiddos. While Isaac had his time in the pool, Abby read one of my old Baby-sitters Club books and I sat with Brady on the bleachers. At one point, he reached over and took my hand, and I pulled out my phone to take a picture.

When I showed him the image (because he always has to approve selfies after we take them), I noticed that he'd made the I Love You sign with both hands. Actually, he pointed it out to me before I even had the chance to notice. Logan was really big on making that sign for our comings and goings, and Brady has adopted the same habit -- even when we're not going anywhere at all.

Never can have too much love, I suppose. It's good to be reminded of that truth now and then.

July 5

I had one thing in mind when I took this photo, but in hindsight, there are two ways that this sight is a special one to me.

I initially snapped the image because it's where the first home we bought is located. We brought both Abby and Logan home to this house, and enjoyed many a day nestled within its walls, celebrating birthdays and holidays and, with far more frequency, regular old every-days that didn't hold any special meaning but continue to live on in my memory anyway. We didn't live there long; Abby was two-and-a-half and Logan a little less than eight months when we outgrew its small cozy confines and moved on to our current home. But this place will always mean a lot to me. No, more than a lot; far more than feeble words could ever adequately convey.

The unexpected aspect? Abby and Isaac walking along together, talking and getting along like friends.

Old, treasured memories melded with newer ones in the foreground. Gold and silver.

July 4

It doesn't seem like it's been a year since we first watched the fireworks from the top of the cemetery's highest point, but somehow, it has. We returned this evening to see them once again with Logan's freshly bathed and pajama'd siblings in tow. It wasn't the smoothest of evenings; Abby carried on in a fit of pre-teen drama from the way back seat and Isaac worried that the police would come and arrest us (or give us a ticket). Only Brady was in good spirits. But once we settled in and the peaceful, silent solitude of the experience enveloped us, the mood changed dramatically.

We gathered together, first on the bench we occupied one year ago and shortly thereafter just a few paces down the hill where Abby discovered a better spot for viewing, watching as one glittering display of magnificence after another exploded in the night sky.

As I silently stood and observed the show, I marveled over how amazing fireworks really are; over how remarkable it is that mere humans can create such creative and powerful art. I also marveled over what a blessing it is that we once again were able to watch them together, in a place we so often visit to remember and honor Logan, away from the partygoers who I'm sure were whooping and hollering in celebration below.

On holidays, it's important to us to be together but separate from the madding crowd, and I'm thankful to God for providing the opportunity.

July 3

It was but a stitch in time, but this evening I went into the kitchen. Adam had Bon Jovi playing on the sound system. A moment later, Brady came into the room and starting breakin' it down (albeit it with a little prompting from yours truly).

There's something utterly smile-jerking about seeing a four-year old strut his stuff to quality '80s music. It took me back five years to when it was Logan doing his thing on that very same patch of less-than-perfect linoleum with a similar sense of reckless abandon and of course, a similar smile.

Both the reality and the memory... both very good things indeed.

July 2

I woke up this morning feeling kind of down. Nothing's really wrong per se; I think the weight of the world's seemingly never-ending issues and troubles weighed heavily on my heart. I said some prayers for reassurance and peace. And then I forgot about the whole experience... until after the kids and I took a quick trip in the car this afternoon and this caught my eye from its position on the floor in the back seat.

It might be a little hard to read, but it was penned by Abby and it says "You are loved, do not be afraid."

I don't know why she wrote it; I don't know if it was part of a Sunday school lesson or if she was just doodling and those words came to mind. But it doesn't really matter, because that little piece of half-crumpled paper in my car was an answer to a prayer. I think that's pretty cool.

July 1

After a morning row over the computer and TV led to me ban use of all electronics for the day, my dose of monotony-busting came in the form of a quick trip to Target. While I checked out the shoe department, the kiddos flocked to the sizing chart (as they often to; there's something innately satisfying to them about finding out their correct shoe sizes).

Tired (and exasperated) though I was, it still made me smile to listen to them excitedly exclaiming "I think I'm a 4!" and "11! 11!"

We should all get excited about those little things, I think.