January 31

I didn't have any particularly deep thoughts today, nor did I take any photos. So when I sat down to write a few minutes ago, I was at a loss. So I had to stop, think, reflect, and utter a prayer for help.

It didn't occur to me earlier, but today was Logan's half-birthday. If he was still with us physically, he'd be exactly 10 1/2. I suppose he still is, though I confess that I have no clue how all of that space/time stuff works in the great hereafter.

Anyway, before he got sick --and even well into his illness-- he was fascinated by what he termed 'zoom cars.' To this day, I'm not entirely sure what made a given vehicle qualify for zoom car status; whenever I asked him, he simply replied 'cool wheels.' I bought this car the other day, but I only found the winks in it today: in the name --AmaZOOM-- and in the multicolored wheels. I'm no automotive expert, but I'm pretty sure they would count as 'cool wheels' on a 'zoom car.'

A small thing, but a sweet thing for me, especially given the weight of the past and the days to come. Happy half birthday, Sunshine of mine.

January 30

This was the bright spot in my otherwise heavily BLAH day:

Since I didn't know what time the guy was coming to fix the crack in my car's windshield (which, by the by, wound up being pointless because the crack is definitely NOT better!), I went to fill my coffee this morning with my littlest man in tow. He just sat there at the table across from me, eating fruit snacks, sipping his water, and making random faces that made me smile.

Kids are blessings.

January 29

I felt pretty terrible this morning (and have continued to feel awful throughout the day, so prayers are appreciated, if you feel so led), so I didn't make it to church with Adam and the kiddos. When they got home, Adam handed me this and explained that a friend had given it to him:

It means to much that people continue to remember my Sunshine, even though he hasn't been here with us physically for almost five years. Thank you, H, for your kind gesture.

January 28

I'm dealing with a less-than-fun head cold at the moment, so it was a low-key day. I spent most of it watching old episodes of "Columbo" while drifting in and out of a sleep-like state. This evening, the Little Boys ate their dinner in the living room while they watched "Frozen." Isaac had been begging to watch it again for weeks and Brady didn't object for once, so Adam obliged. As I ate and watched TV, I overheard Isaac singing the movie's now-famed songs.

(I got up to take a photo two separate times but forgot why I'd gotten up, so this one from bedtime will have to do.) He doesn't do it particularly often, but Isaac likes to sing, and it made my heart smile to hear his little voice bringing the words to life live.

January 27

Adam and I enjoyed our Abby-the-baby-sitter privilege tonight by going out to dinner. (And picking up some cold medicine. But that's not nearly as glamorous so we'll stick with the former.) While we were having Mexican food, the kiddos dined on pizza and watched episodes of Garfield.

It was a simple, relaxed, pleasant evening all around, and that kind of night is always a blessing.

January 26

It was impossible to not notice the brand new, bright yellow Corvette parked in front of the Toys R Us this morning. I gave it a long look as I passed by and naturally, Logan appeared in my mind's eye, just as he always does when I see those supercharged sports cars. But that wasn't all -- this time I had a thought, too: You left something for me, didn't you?. Me and my cars, I know, but I had the sense, in that moment, that he'd somehow managed to leave me one in the store. And as odd as it may sound, I was right.

I'd been looking for this one for a month; it's one that's popular with resellers, so they've been snapping them up as quickly as possible, leaving a scarce supply for people like me. But today, there it was on the pegs, right out in front.

This is a taxing time of year for me, but these little signs from beyond --a beautiful, sunshine-colored car and a little golden one that I honestly didn't expect to find-- make the days a little easier.

January 25

I was a bit disappointed when my morning coffee meet-up was canceled. Honestly, it's been something of a crappy week and I don't handle my emotions particularly effectively this time of year --for anyone who isn't counting like I am, we're about two and a half weeks from the fifth anniversary of Logan's passing and it's beginning to weigh on my heart more than I'd like-- but I know stuff happens, so I headed off to Starbucks solo.

When I got there, I found these two lovely ladies sitting at the corner table:

I hemmed for a moment before agreeing to accept their gracious invitation to join them; I'm not big on crashing others' parties, and the hard truth is that most of the time, I assume people are happier when I'm not around. I tend to view myself as a billboard for The Worst Thing That Can Happen To Parents, and I know that can make me less attractive.

But in the end, I did join them, and I'm so happy that I did. We had a lovely chat and when they headed off, my heart felt full.

So my lesson for today: Accept and enjoy the unexpected gifts from God that show up just when you need them.

January 24

I like to cook, though I don't do it as often as I should. And I love it when I make something that turns out particularly well. (And by "particularly well," I mean "good enough that none of the kids summarily reject it.")

Fortunately, I had one of those experiences tonight. Everyone ate my calzones, and they were all disappointed that there weren't any extra pieces available for munching.

It's a blessing to be able to take care of them, and to feel like my efforts are appreciated!

January 23

This is New Bear.

Brady found him under Logan's bed yesterday while Adam was doing some long-overdue straightening up. He quickly latched onto the little guy, and since we weren't sure what Logan had called him, Brady dubbed him New Bear.

BearBear and New Bear spent this morning together while Brady was at school. BearBear issued New Bear a driver's license (since BearBear owns everything and runs everything) and they apparently tooled around the neighborhood while I had coffee and ran errands.

I love Brady's imagination and his stories. And I love that he's taking care of New Bear for his biggest brother.

January 22

Today we celebrated my birthday at Adam's parents' house. It was nice to get together for a meal and to catch up a bit, but my favorite part of the gathering was probably when the Little Boys engaged in a "wrestling match" on the floor with Adam's dad and their little cousin.

They had the best time as they threw themselves on top of one another. They laughed and acted like crazy little hooligans. Together. That family bond is a beautiful thing.

January 21

Most weekends, Abby and I visit the kitties that the animal rescue league brings to the local pet supply store. We're not in the market to adopt, but we both love to ooh and aah over their sweet little fluffy faces. These two nearly brought me to tears today:

I think I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who isn't stressed out right now for one reason or another. For me, petting a fluffy kitty provides a few sweet moments of respite. And for those moments, I'm thankful.

January 20

Adam worked from home today, so we went out to lunch. As we sat at the table waiting for our food, we chatted about some home improvement projects that we may or may not execute in the near-ish future. At one point, the conversation turned to the subject of split sinks, and hilarity ensued.

Adam decided to look up the rationale behind installing a split kitchen sink, and found a message board that featured a rather humorous exchange on the subject. I read some of it and it was indeed amusing, but he laughed and laughed at it like it was the funniest thing he'd seen in years.

Our life definitely hasn't been funny in recent years, but that laugh was part of what drew my attention way-back-when, and it made my heart leap to hear it ring out with such enthusiasm today. The littlest, most trivial things can truly lead to some of the biggest blessings.

January 19

Sometimes Brady is just so precious.

Earlier this week, he got to bring Cuddly Dudley home from school for a visit. They did lots of things together; they tried to build a big Lego house and watched TV, and Dudley got to know BearBear. But all good things on earth eventually end, so this morning Dudley had to head back to the classroom. Before we left the house, Brady asked me to take their picture together, so I did.

The sweet innocence of kindergartners gets me every time.

January 18

I can't remember where I stashed most of our umbrellas. As of this rainy morning, I could locate just three: two kids' versions (Batman and Planes themed), and a fancy blue one with a jammed handle. (It works fine, but is something of a pain to fold up and store.) As we headed off to school, Abby complained about her umbrella-less state, so I offered her a choice between the trio. Since it would be so embarrassing to be seen with one of the kids' versions, she went with the broken blue one.

She didn't say so, but I suspect she struggled with that umbrella between classes all day long. When she got to the car this afternoon, she opened the door, plunked her bag and phone inside, and closed it again. Then she stood outside for nearly a full minute trying to force the umbrella to retract. I took a picture because it was funny.

But in hindsight, it has other meaning, too. Even though that umbrella is imperfect, it still manages to do its job of keeping the bearer dry. Just like people, it doesn't need to be perfect in order to fulfill its purpose. I can't speak for anyone else, but that's a comforting reminder for me.

January 17

The kids went back to school today following the long weekend. It was a chilly day. It was also a Corvette kind of day, which made it a Logan day.

Of course, every day is a Logan day in one way or another. He's never far from my mind and many things trigger memories of him: cars with "cool wheels," lambs, "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," dancing, laughing. And Corvettes. So when I find a new one, it's like he's giving me an extra-big, extra-glittery smile from beyond.

January 16

Way back when, before things got complicated, Abby was Adam's girl and Logan was my boy. Really. She tended to favor dad, while Logan favored me. It's just the way it was. Those days are, of course, long gone: Logan is no longer with us, and Abby spends the great majority of her time with me. So this was a nice stitch in time today:

On our way home from the cabin, we stopped at the McDonalds in Angels Camp for lunch. While we waited for the Little Boys to finish their food (they were extraordinarily distracted by the emoji toys they found in their Happy Meal bags so the nuggets and apples were consumed at an equally extraordinarily gradual pace), Abby, Adam, and I sat and shot the breeze. At some point, she jumped up and gave him a hug around the neck, and I quickly snapped this pic to preserve the moment.

The old days may be finished, but it's a blessing to get those occasional flickers from the past.

January 15

Today was another low-key one in the mountains. The kids (and Adam) spent most of their time outside playing in the snow while I hunkered down inside. I did join them for a little while in the afternoon for a single tube ride with the Little Boys and a snowball fight. (Well, sort of. I recorded everyone else having a fight but no one dared to throw a snowball in my direction.)

This is us with Olaf Junior. I think Brady and Adam built him, and he's quite the impressive snowman. He stood there smiling while the snowball battle raged all around him and when short people riding inner tubes barreled in his direction and threatened his very existence.

Yep, in spite of it all, he just kept smiling. Of course, he's an inanimate object so it's not hard for him to keep a grin on his icy little face, but I can always work on maintaining a positive attitude. Not fake or artificial --because I think it's important to be real, even when real means being reflective or sad at times-- but it's a blessing to me when I remember to consciously look for the good amid the not-as-good.

January 14

We drove up to Adam's parents' cabin in the Sierras last night, so today was all about fun in the snow. (For most of us. Those of us --me-- who shoveled solid ice off the driveway when we got here so we could inch the car off the road were sore a bit sore in the back and core regions, so we spent a little less time in the great outdoors and a little more time hanging out beside a nice, warm gas fireplace. But I digress.)

It doesn't snow where we live, so the kids are completely obsessed with the stuff. They had a great time digging and building snow people and bombing down the hill in big inner tubes. (I went once --with Brady-- and didn't hit a tree, so I considered it a success and promptly retired from the sport.) Me? I don't particularly like being cold, but I liked hearing them laugh, and I loved seeing the delight spread across their faces as they threw snowballs and raced down the hill along the tubing path. And later, after dinner, I enjoyed watching them make smores in the fireplace.

All good things. All blessings. And a good reminder for me that though an activity may not rank high on my personal list of favorites, the act of watching the people I love enjoy themselves ranks pretty darn high all by itself.

January 13

It was a busy, busy day, chock-full of errand-escapades from start to finish. Super busy days aren't my favorites, but it's good to be productive, so there's always that.

Of course, we slowed down a bit at dinner time. The boys were chilly, so they huddled together for warmth while they waited for our food to show. (That's what they said: that they were 'huddling for warmth.')

They may frustrate me at times and I suspect they may eventually be directly responsible for gray hairs that show up on my head, but these are sweet days. And amid the busy-ness of life, it's good to slow down and soak in the purely innocent view now and then.

January 12

We needed rain, but the back-to-back storms that rolled through this week and (in some cases, over)saturated the earth with moisture were a bit much for this sunshine-favoring girl. So though we had a few showers roll through this morning, and it was cloudy most of the day, this was a welcome sight this afternoon:

The old cliche is true in both the literal and figurative senses: sunshine and blue skies do follow the rain. And that's a good thing to keep in mind when we find ourselves slogging through one of the valleys that dot the topographical map of human life.

January 11

Birthdays are bittersweet for me, so in the moments before I got out of bed this morning, I prayed that I would "see" Logan today. In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't expect much, but that tiny little request received more than one answer.

The first reply came 10 minutes later in the form of an email from Adam entitled 'Your first birthday present.' Inside I found a link to the Cars 3 trailer. It didn't come out today, per se, but I completely forgot to check it out a few days ago, so it was new to me and entirely appropriate.

Number two came an hour or two later. Adam took the Little Boys to school for me, and after I dropped Abby off, I met a few friends for coffee. I had a nice time chatting with them and peripherally noticed the periodic rain showers outside. I missed seeing the huge rainbow that arced across the sky at one point, but other friends had me covered: two sent photos my way along with birthday wishes. (Thank you, N and M!)

After lunch for just Adam and me at CPK, we all headed out to dinner at On the Border where I received answer number three: the hostess inadvertently gave us an extra kids' menu. It was beautiful. I brought it home.

After dinner, we had cake and presents, and now I'm sitting alone in the family room, listening to the hum of the dishwasher and the din of old reruns on TV. Yep, birthdays are bittersweet, but with all of the reminders of my Sunshine, today was more sweet than bitter. And for that, I'm thankful.

January 10

I turn 39 tomorrow. I could be shy about my age, but I own it. (And I also know that since almost all of my friends are older than me, they're rolling their eyes at me about now. That's okay, too!) My last day as a 38-year old was yet another mega-super rainy one. It poured on and off all day long, and the sun never emerged from behind the clouds. But it was totally okay for us, because there were puddles and rain boots in the mix.

I can be fairly strict with the kids, but I let up a bit this afternoon at pick-up time. They were, after all, wearing coats and boots and there were big, gorgeous, ankle-deep puddles everywhere on the walk from the school to the car. So I let 'em have at it and they splished and splashed and squealed. By the time we pulled away from the curb to drive over to the middle school to get Abby, they were very wet. But also very happy.

And those smiles are a blessing.

January 9

We had a bona fide torrential downpour overnight. The rain pounded against the roof so hard that it actually jolted me awake at 1 AM. I got up and trolled from room to room, checking on the kids; Isaac was up (and standing in the middle of the bathroom looking completely confused), but Abby and Brady --like Adam-- slept through the ruckus. Honestly, the force of the rain scared me a little, and it made me feel better to see them sleeping peacefully in their little beds.

By morning, the skies had cleared considerably and the sun even emerged for a few sweet seconds. By this afternoon, the Little Boys were fully immersed in being their silly selves as Abby --who didn't have school today-- visited with some of her old elementary teachers.

I'm not sure how they discovered that Isaac can actually carry Brady, but they did, and they amused themselves quite handily with the new activity: Brady would call out "Isaac, cradle me!" and Isaac would scoop him up in his arms bride-over-the-threshold style and tote him around as both boys giggled. As often happens, I chuckled quietly as I watched them goof off.

But there was, in hindsight, an important lesson in it for me. Life --as we think it should be-- is interrupted by storms, and sometimes those storms are real doozies that throw us off-balance or inspire deep-seated fear in our hearts. But storms are temporary, and as my Little Boys unwittingly demonstrated, we can always try to dance in the rain.

January 8

It rained (and rained and rained and rained) today, and I think by day's end, we were all a wee bit stir crazy. So while Adam sat on the couch reading, I decided that BearBear would watch over his shoulder:

It was just a brief blip in time, but it amused me and it amused the kids. I'm thankful for the smiles.

January 7

After lunch, Abby and I went out to do a little window shopping, as we often do on Saturday afternoons. It's our mom/daughter bonding time. At Target, we found these.

They're just cars, but they made it feel like a Logan day. Logan days are always special, even when they're just ordinary Saturdays spent with my girl.

January 6

It was cold --go ahead and chuckle, but 40something degree temps are chilly for this area-- but beautiful outside today. My hardy east coast blood has thinned considerably since I relocated to California *coughcough* years ago, but I still enjoyed a brief stroll to drop Abby at her friend's house early this afternoon.

I realized something as I passed through the park on the way home: my life is not perfect --in some ways, it's been harder and more painful than I ever fathomed possible when I was young-- but I'm living the dream I once had. I spent a chunk of my childhood living out in the country, far away from others. And then when we finally moved into a neighborhood when I was 11, I started attending magnet schools, which were an hour's drive away. I remember longing for a connection to my community, but it never really happened and I always felt like an outsider.

Now? I live in a lovely neighborhood. We have a nice house. I have friends all over town. It's an old dream fulfilled. And for that, I'm thankful, even if I don't always remember to give thanks.

January 5

I have to be honest: we're almost two weeks into winter break, and the kids are driving me a wee bit nuts. The Little Boys constantly wrestle, make messes, and/or bicker, and Abby can't stop talking about Animal Jam. (Although given that she could also spend hours droning on about My Little Pony, I guess I could be thankful that it's only AJ.) I don't like admitting that and I don't like feeling that way, since I know I should treasure every single moment I have with them. So this evening at Costco, after they annoyed me all throughout dinner in the food court, I decided to deliberately shift my perspective.

As we trolled the aisles, Brady and Isaac continued playing The Staring Game (which they also played during dinner). I decided to not be annoyed with them and instead just watched. And what I saw made me smile in spite of my natural inclinations: they laughed and hugged and really enjoyed one another's company.

It was a beautiful, blessed sight, I tell ya. I'm glad I didn't miss it.

January 4

It rained all day long. It didn't bother me much; since I grew up on the east coast and winter was often a "let's not go outside" kind of season, I'm used to being inside. But it was much more difficult for poor Isaac, who repeatedly asked to go outside, and got frustrated when I kept saying no. Fortunately, they all wound up playing relatively peacefully together, but it was touch and go.

Anyway, I didn't really have an aha moment today. I don't know if it's because I didn't look very hard or because it was such a low key day, but nothing caught my attention until a few minutes ago.

These are some of the Christmas lights that currently line our staircase. We'll probably take them down in a few days, but for now, their lovely, colorful glow illuminates an area that's usually dark at night. The sight was a reminder to me that we're supposed to be lights --in our own unique, God-given ways-- in this often dark world in which we live. So let's do just that.

January 3

I love "chance" encounters. Of course, I use the term "chance" loosely since I don't believe in coincidences, but I'm getting ahead of myself. After the kiddos and I went to the Lego Minibuild at the mall this afternoon (Brady's first ever, since he's finally old enough! He was so happy to build a narwhal), we headed back to the car. In the parking lot outside of Sears --the only covered lot at the mall, which was a total must for a rainy day like today-- I ran into this beautiful lady:

Andrea was en route to the Build-a-Bear with her two kids and two of her nieces. We hadn't seen one another in person in several years, so we both did several double-takes, but I have to say: I was really happy to see her. She and I lived in a house in Castro Valley together way back in 2001, shortly after I graduated from college. She's a really cool chick, and though I don't see her often, we're connected on Facebook so I've been able to keep tabs on her life over the years.

But you know something? Even when I have a window into someone's life, it's such a blessing to run into that person in real life. Those moments of one-on-one connection are good for my heart.

January 2

This is Brady with his new wife, Brownie.

After making a huge mess, cleaning it up, watching a movie, and eating dinner, the kids needed another activity, so they decided to throw a wedding. The end result was Brady "marrying" his giant teddy bear in front of the Christmas tree. Isaac found wedding music online and played it via an old cell phone while Abby served as the officiant. Dancing and a photo session followed.

I have no idea how they come up with their ideas, but I do love seeing --and experiencing-- what they come up with each day. That kind of creativity is a gift.

January 1

And... 2017. Although Adam and I are both of the general opinion that New Years is a silly, overplayed holiday (that most people use as an excuse to get smashed and act like idiots), we stayed up til midnight, shared a bottle of sparkling cider, and had a quick kiss before we went to bed. A sweet, simple, quiet start to the new year.

Then today was another low-key one, not marked by anything especially noteworthy until this evening, when Isaac and Brady started their own business in the dining room.

I'm not entirely sure what inspired them to create their Choffee business, but they really got into it by offering up free samples and designing promotional materials and signs. I'm also not entirely sure how the came up with the product name, since 'Choffee' is merely the flavored milk that remains after you've enjoyed a bowl of chocolate cereal, but again, they were into it.

I love their industriousness and their creativity. A good mind is definitely a blessing that too many of us take for granted.