June 30

I didn't do a whole lot today, but I did head out late this morning to have coffee with a friend. Since Adam had already gotten me coffee --I'd forgotten to tell him about my plans and he was being sweet!-- I went with something different:

It's a berry/prickly pear something-or-other. I didn't stir it off the bat so my first mouthful was so sour that it actually made my mouth pucker. I learned from my oops, gave it a quick run-through with my straw, and the next swigs were much more palatable.

Life can be like that. If we focus on one bitter, sour, or otherwise unpleasant aspect of our existence, it can spoil the entire cup. But if we can view it as a conglomerate of experiences --a mixture of the not-so-great and the sweet-- it's much tastier. And we're much more likely to enjoy the whole thing.

Perspective can be beautiful, no?

June 29

We took our annual trip to the Alameda County Fair today. It was nice to go on a weekday for a change; far fewer people meant less jostling and less crowding, which is always a good thing in my book.

Anyway, we did our usual activities in addition to a few new ones. Isaac and Brady took part in the kids' tractor pull (and Abby could've done it as well, but figured her legs were too long to pedal efficiently. As a former tractor pull kid myself, I know she was right). We also cheered on the pigs during the pig race, watched frisbee dogs do their tricks, checked out some drummers and acrobats, finished a scavenger hunt, and walked through the exhibits. And of course, on the way out, we stopped to take our annual photobooth pic, too.

It's not exactly the same as the county fair I knew so well as a kid, but it's fun family time nonetheless and it does, in a way, take me back to the old days. And both of those things are blessings.

June 28

After feeling sick yesterday evening and enduring a mostly sleepless night, I got up this morning and discovered that my laptop had decided to quit on me. No matter what I did, it wouldn't turn on. But this guy came to the rescue almost immediately.

Just a minute after I remarked that I couldn't get it to work, he abandoned his own activity and tried to it himself. He did a web search to troubleshoot, which led him to determine that he needed to take it apart. But in order to do that, he needed to drive 30 minutes down the freeway to a specific store in order to buy the correct tools to pry it open. So off the store he went. For me.

When all was said and done, he wasn't able to get it to work, so we replaced it this afternoon. But I'm humbled and touched by his dedication to getting it sorted out for me. Of all of the people in this world, I'm probably most likely to take him for granted, but ironically, he's probably my biggest blessing of all. And it's definitely good to be reminded of that now and again.

June 27

I'm not feeling particularly well this evening so this'll be a quick one. One of Adam's presents from the birthday party on Sunday was an updated version of a game we've played at the cabin. So tonight, we tried it out with the Little Boys. (Abby is at a sleepover.)

In a totally oversimplified nutshell, it's something of a challenging game that requires players to connect a number of European cities via railway. I expected the boys to half-get it, but as they so often do, they surprised me and wound up strategizing admirably well -- almost well enough that they may well have beaten me, in fact. (I don't know because we opted not to keep score. This time.)

Anyhow, it was a pleasant, low-key experience. And some days, that's more than enough.

June 26

Sometimes I like to take pictures of the kiddos when they're not looking. Like this one from this morning:

He was engrossed in a game on the phone and wasn't paying much attention to me (until I took this. Then his expression changed completely and Mr. Goofypants came out). I love watching them do things they enjoy when they don't know I'm paying attention: dancing, throwing a baseball, swimming, playing a video game. And I love studying the details that make up their faces, like Brady's long, full eyelashes and the sprinkle of freckles that dot his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

It's all beautiful and good. And all that is good comes from God.

June 25

We fell a bit behind with celebrating birthdays in Adam's immediate-extended family, so today we drove up to Adam's parents' house to shower some attention on the March through June honorees.

(Yup. A lot of March and April celebrants in this family -- and Isaac representing June.)

Anyhow, as we sang happy birthday and watched the lot of 'em blow out the candle, it once again occurred to me that birthdays are blessings. I'm not sure that I love adding years to my own age --especially since my next birthday will be a big one-- but every year we get with friends and family is a tremendous gift.

June 24

This is one of the many empty pots that dot my patio right now.

A typical June would see this pot and all of its buddies filled with leafy green plants: peas, snap beans, tomatoes, and whatever else I had a yen to grow. But not this time. This year, I didn't get around to my usual Spring planting sessions. So the pots sit empty.

I feel like that empty pot sometimes: like I'm filled with perfectly good soil yet I don't yield much. I'm not particularly proud of that admission, but it's true.

However, because God is a merciful God who doles out grace beyond what any of us deserve, I know it's okay that my yield doesn't always equal it's potential. And for that truth, I'm infinitely thankful.

June 23

So this is what prompted the boys to truncate their camping trip:

Sorry, I know it's kind of icky looking, but this is Isaac's back. I counted and he has more than 70 mosquito bites on his back, legs, and face, and most of them look angry. (Brady has a bunch, too, but his are less aggressive-looking.) Don't worry: I'm watching him for signs of a fever (or anything unusual, really).

So here's where I'm going with this: This kid has to be incredibly uncomfortable. I know the bites itch and hurt at once, but he hasn't complained at all. I know I whine and moan about discomforts that are far less significant than his, so I'm humbled by the quiet fortitude he's shown. I think the world would be a decidedly more peaceful place if we all approached trials with this kind of tolerance and endurance.

June 22

With the boys away camping (well, sort of; more on that in a bit*), today was something of a rarity: it was a girl-day. Abby and I started things off with brunch at Black Bear, and then swung by the mall to do some (which equates to "a very small amount of") clothes-shopping. Then late this afternoon, I went to a movie with K (who will no doubt mentally smack me upside the head for posting this photo, but well, you know, pttttthp. At least I'm the one who looks kind of sketch here. There were other options).

I can be a wee (lot) bit chatty; sometimes I talk just to fill voids because I tend to find silence uncomfortable. (Well, that and I really do like finding out more about others.) But I genuinely like talking --and spending time-- with these two people. And I'm really thankful for all of the good that both of them bring into my life.

(The *: the boys actually abandoned their camping excursion this morning after they discovered that Brady was particularly attractive to mosquitos. But they had a good time while they were there, and opted to continue their adventure at my in-laws' house tonight, which left my girl-day fully intact. Win-win.)

June 21

Adam got to live out a long-held wish today as he and his dad finally took the Little Boys backpacking. Adam's dad drove down this morning and they were off to the Santa Cruz mountains by 10 AM. (Us girls graciously opted out.)

Adam grew up camping and backpacking and I know they're activities he's been wanting to share with our kiddos. But I also know that it's probably bittersweet for him, since Logan couldn't be part of the excursion.

Still, I'm hopeful that they'll have a good time and that it'll bring all of them a few paces closer to God -- and each other.

June 20

It was a good day: some family time, a fun playdate (for Brady and me!), Costco, and an evening walk with a friend I hadn't spent much time with of late. It all started with the playdate:

It's always fun to watch Brady play with his buddies. And it's always fun for me to sit and chat with my friends, and I was blessed with the chance to do that twice today.

Yep. A good day indeed.

June 19

Another triple digit day here, so I didn't do much and, as a result, I also didn't take any pictures. But after hearing how many friends have lost power over the past few days, tonight's I'm thankful for this:

A cup of ice and the comfort of air conditioning in my house.

Simple blessings that I know I all too often take for granted!

June 18

I know I speak for both of us when I say that Mother's Day and Father's Day are far more complicated for Adam and I than I ever imagined they'd be. So today, we did as is our custom and had a laid-back kind of celebration. We did, however, make a last-minute decision to go up to Adam's parents' house. We picked up some pizza and dessert on the way and had a pleasant couple of hours with them.

When the emotions are complex, I think a few hours of peace and pleasant conversation are just what we need.

Happy Father's Day, hunny. From all of us.

June 17

I've said it before, but as with many things in this life, it bears repeating: I love this girl, and I love spending time with her.

And today, we opted to be goofy together. We picked up a bag of Pixy Stix while we were out Father's Day shopping, and then headed over to Starbucks (because it was hot-hot-hot out and I wanted some iced coffee). And then we sat at a table and sampled the flavors (cherry is totally the best, for the record) while I texted funny pictures of her to my brother (who had an affinity for Pixy Stix when we were kids).

Just some lighthearted moments, sure, and not ones that are likely to stand out in the long run. But wholly worthwhile nonetheless.

June 16

I really can't overemphasize how much Logan loved the Cars franchise. The original film came out in 2006 --the year of his birth-- and it's like he emerged from the womb with its energy coursing through his veins. He lived and breathed Lightning McQueen, Mater, Sally, Ramone, and all of the colorful townies from Radiator Springs. (And even the obscure racers. If I close my eyes, I can still hear him reading "Todd The Shockster Maw-cus" from the big book of Cars characters.) A few years later, we all saw Cars 2 in the theater shortly after he was released from the hospital in June of 2011. At the time, we thought he'd beaten his disease so we watched that film with a deep sense of gratitude and thankfulness in our hearts. Although things did not go as we'd hoped and prayed and longed for them to go, and though he was unable to be with us to watch Cars 3, we went back to that same theater today to see it on his behalf.

It's a good movie and a fitting addition to the series, and watching it without the boy who loved it so very much brought on a mix of euphoria and heartbreak. I guess that may sound like an odd combination of emotion, but that's the way I'd describe much of my life, if I'm being honest. I can't really feel a high-high without a twinge of pain; the feeling that it would be just a little bit better if only Logan were here to share in the moment with me.

So yes. I miss him. I will miss him until we're together again. But I am beyond blessed that he was here to teach me about life, just like Lightning McQueen was blessed to have Doc. We can learn from anyone if we're open to hearing the truth, but those extra-special people who hit us right square in the heart with their very presence are incredible gifts from God. I was uncommonly, extraordinarily blessed to learn so much from someone who spent very little time on this side of Heaven.

June 15

Isaac turned nine years old today. I could say what I always say on birthdays --that I can hardly believe that my child is another year older and oh my, where did the time go?-- and I guess I kind of just did, but I'll keep that part of it brief and just say that I'm very proud of the kind, sweet person he's become over time. And then I'll move on to a story from today.

Since he's big into baseball (playing it, watching it, learning as much as he can about it), one of his presents was tickets to tonight's A's game. So we had lunch at his pick (Red Tractor) and did cake and presents in the mid-afternoon so we could head to the Coliseum by 5.

Let me tell you something: Isaac may be a relatively quiet, mild-mannered kid most of the time, but he's something of a beast when he's at a ballgame. He really gets into the tribalism of the event: he screams and cheers and chants and even yells at the ump when he thinks a call was wrong. (And sometimes, he even has a legitimate beef.) In short, it's entertaining to watch him go at it.

And tonight's game --his special nine-year old birthday game-- was a good one. The A's went up early, but they just couldn't seem to hold onto the lead for long. They'd score, and then the Yankees --who, for the record, I despise. Evil empire.-- would come right back and tack on a run of their own. Still, Isaac cheered and whooped and hollered, even as the game dragged (and dragged) on. As it approached the 4 1/2 hour mark, he looked at me sadly and said he wasn't sure they'd be able to pull it out and it did seem bleak; they'd entered the bottom of the 10th and were down by a run. I reminded him that it's just a game and that no one wins all of their games, which I knew that he knew. And then, as the A's have so often done when we've been in attendance, there was an improbable comeback and a win. There was screaming and yelling and even some crying *cough*Abby*cough* and we left with one gleeful birthday kid in tow.

Anyway, I still stand by my words: we don't always win, and that's absolutely okay. Falling short is part of this human life. But you know something? It was awfully nice to see my boy get a special walk-off birthday win, if only just this one time. (And it was super extra special that they were advertising Cars 3 quite prominently!)

Happy birthday, Isaac!

June 14

Adam works pretty hard, so we've been looking forward to this sabbatical he's just begun for years. He's spent much of his first few days off the clock cleaning up around the house, but has now and then enjoyed some nice down time. Like this moment from this afternoon:

I can't remember exactly how this little stitch in time originated, but it made me smile to see them together. Brady looks so happy to be spending time with his dad and Adam looks calm. Relaxed. Not stressed.

A blessing all around, if you ask me.

June 13

I'm not really big on posting (or even taking) pics of myself (especially recently), but I'm making an exception today. This is the image I took of myself during my lunch-date-that-wasn't.

I'll back up for a sec. Adam is on his work sabbatical (finally! Woo!), and this morning he suggested we go to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory after he finished up with his planned blood donation. I said fine, and watched as he made sandwiches for Isaac and Brady and then headed out the door. Half an hour later, I --and the kiddos-- left. (If you already see my error, you're way ahead of the curve. Or at least you're way ahead of me.)

When we got to the restaurant, he gave a "what on earth are you doing" face and said he'd meant for just us to go out. (Duh. I'd wondered why on earth he'd made the sandwiches if we were all going to go eat, but didn't think to ask. Double duh.) I offered to drive them home and return, but he declined, and we went forward with our romantic five-person "date."

The Little Boys were squirrelly, Abby was embarrassed, and Adam remarked that it wasn't exactly the experience he had in mind, but honestly, how many times have we all had those moments? I know I've had more than a few. So though it's totally on me that it wasn't the nice experience it could've been, it was still memorable. And it's a blessing to be able to create new memories with people who matter to me.

June 12

I didn't think I'd taken any photos today, which was disappointing because the weather was very pleasant and I took advantage of the cool temp by going for a jog. So I was a bit surprised when I checked my phone just in case and found this:

I really have no idea how I took this since I was driving away from the Sports Park at the time and I could've sworn that my phone was on its little magnetic holder-thingy, but there you have it: 68 degrees at 1:40 PM.

A few moments of quiet time in God's creation is quite a lovely thing, I think.

June 11

Adam, Brady, and I took a walk this afternoon. It was an unusually chilly June day --temps in the mid-60s and windy-- which made for a pleasant enough atmosphere. At one point, this cluster of dandelions in an otherwise green expanse of lawn caught my eye.

I've always considered dandelions to be one of the prettiest weeds: bright and sunshiney. They're not exactly glitter, per se, but they're kind of like glitter on a plain old lawn. A little sprinkle of cheer. And some days, that little dose of creation's unexpected goodness is just what I need.

June 10

It was an uncharacteristically busy summer Saturday: We had Abby's two dance recitals in the morning and mid-afternoon, and then a graduation party for Adam's cousin Jacob this evening.

The shows both went well; Abby performed both of her routines very well and, as usual, some of the lyrical dances pushed me to the verge of tears (as effective dance is meant to do).

Later on, it was nice to have a chance to spend a little time with family. I was in the picture when Jacob was born almost 19 years ago, so though it made me feel a little old to be at his high school graduation party, it's always a good thing to see people accomplishing their goals. (And it was amusing to see Isaac and Brady chugging cans of Sunkist while playing ping pong with Jacob's sister Caroline --who is Abby's age-- and her friend. They may not sleep for days, but at least I'm certain they had fun.)

Long day. Good day. Blessed day.

June 9

Tomorrow, Abby will perform during two dance recitals. I too performed in the last five recitals, so it'll be a big change for me to actually sit in the audience and watch the shows. Actually, the last time I sat in the audience, Logan was still with us. Abby was in Princess Ballet at the time and she danced to a song called "Journey to the Past." He'd only recently been released from the hospital post-stem cell transplant, so he donned a big, protective facial mask and we sat up in the balcony away from most of the crowd. It feels like a lifetime ago. But I digress (as I so often do).

Today was rehearsal day. While she waited for the Little Boys to put on their shoes so we could head to the theater, she pulled out her phone to text a friend.

I just cannot believe that this grown-up, beautiful girl is my child. It astounds me that this is the same little girl who used to want to hold Baby Yo-gan when she was a toddler, and who, as a four-year old, talked about being one of the Hula Girls during VBS. She's the same seven-year old girl who knew how important it was to come into the room to say farewell to her best friend (even though I know it must've broken her heart just as it broke mine), and she's the same eight-nine-10-11 year old who didn't let grief render her unable to continue on.

So I guess you could say I'm proud. And very blessed.

June 8

One of our random little traditions involves going to brunch on the first weekday after the school year ends. Since Abby was under the weather on Monday and Tuesday and I had a coffee meet-up planned for yesterday, we had to push it back a few days this go-round, but we finally made it happen this morning (before I had to take Isaac to the dentist! The mom-ing just goes on and on).

As usual, we went to the Black Bear Diner and each kiddo brought a stuffed bear. As usual, the boys were a little too loud and I wound up shushing them, and as usual, they piped down after a few warnings.

All in all, it was a peaceful morning. And Heaven knows I'm always thankful for a peaceful start to a new day.

June 7

I went for a walk by myself this evening because I needed some time to decompress and think. I hadn't really resolved any of my issues by the time I got home, but I did find this on the driveway:

I know: a whole dime. Whoop-ti-do. I'm rich. The thing that made it an interesting find is that I'm pretty sure it's the dime Brady dropped when he was getting out of the car a week ago. He was disappointed so we searched and searched for that dime for a good 15 minutes but it was nowhere to be found. In hindsight, I guess it must've rolled far enough under the car that we didn't see it when we peeked. But then this evening, as I walked back up the driveway, there it was. Just sitting there.

I think life is like that sometimes. We search --and sometimes it feels like we're doing it in vain-- for answers but they don't seem to come until poof, they do. I don't know why God chooses to reveal truths to us at different times --why we're tasked with being impossibly patient-- but you know something? I grateful to be able to live in the truth. Though life has and will continue to screw with me, I'm sure, dimes will continue to show up when I need to see them.

June 6

Not gonna lie: summertime 'round these parts can get kinda hairy. Between kids fighting over video game controllers to the constant chorus of "mo-om, what can I have to e-eat?", it can be overwhelming. But a trip to the library remedied some of what ails me because the summer reading program is going on, and if my little boys like anything, it's an incentive.

This little book (and it's identical twin) has given me two big blessings yesterday and today: 1) it's encouraged both of them to read. A lot. And 2) it's given me a few hours of blessed, argument-and-drama-free quiet. Although I'm a chatterer by nature, sometimes silence is just what I need.

June 5

Isaac's baseball season may have come to a close a few weeks ago, but it ended for real tonight when the Pirates had their team party at a local pizza place. Here are all 12 goofballs; after taking a few "serious" photos, I sensed their restlessness and said "okay, silly faces" and this was the result. Oh, to be 8, 9, 10 again, right?

I certainly had some moments of frustration as the Team Mom, but I was genuinely touched and had to swallow back some emotion when, after the coach had recognized each player with a funny certificate, he addressed me and called me the 13th man. I like to toss around a baseball now and then and I love batting (especially when I'm working through some aggression) but I've never really been on a team, so the remark meant something.

I'm definitely going to enjoy the off-season and some down-time, but I'll always look back fondly on this particular team. They may not have had the best record, but they're all genuinely great kids, and I'm blessed that I got to know them, if only for a little while.

June 4

Abby opted to start her summer vacation by being sick. She didn't look quite right on Friday, and she continued to not look quite right yesterday, but never had a fever when I checked. Then, this morning when I went to tell her to get dressed for church, she again didn't look right, and this time when I touched her forehead, it was hot: after a few days of dancing around the issue, the fever had arrived. So she spent most of the day like this:

I'm bummed that she's sick; it stinks to start off a vacation not feeling well. But honestly, I like being able to sit and watch her sleep, especially given how much she's changed in the nine months since she began seventh grade. I can't get that time back, of course, and she'll never again be a little girl, but she'll always be my little girl. And seeing her cuddled up with her pillow, resting, reminds me of when she was really young.

June 3

Today was, for the most part, a normal old Saturday: I slept in, had my coffee, and lunched at Red Tractor. Then we (well, everyone but me) had ice cream as a treat, since the kiddos all had great report cards.

Yep, just a regular, run-of-the-mill day. But like I've said before, regular, run-of-the-mill days --especially when they follow days that are anything but regular and run-of-the-mill-- can be blessings.

June 2

I didn't get to watch Logan finish fifth grade today, and I grieve that loss. Every time there's a special day, I'll lament his absence and think of him, and the little cracks in my heart will split open and bleed all over again. But I know that I have to look back and live forward, and thankfully, this last day of school --this day of transition-- was filled with notable moments that I could've missed out on had I focused on what I didn't have.

I did get to watch Brady play modified soccer with his friends in the moments after he finished his final day of kindergarten. And I got to watch him pose for a pic with two of his good buddies:

I got to ask Isaac if there's anything special he'd like for his birthday and to hear him reply 'a pet, but I already have one, so I'm good'. (He "won" one of his class' pet betta fish yesterday, so we welcomed Jake the Fish to the fold.) And I got to reassure a sad Abby that she'll still see her friends over the summer. Then a little later, I got to have lunch with Adam and with the three of them.

So yes, it's easy to get caught up in what I don't have; and honestly, I think it's a reasonable reaction to a terrible slice of reality. But today, I'm thankful that the sadness didn't own me, and that the good outweighed the bad.

June 1

Field Day means fun in the sun for the kiddos, and I spent it going from station to station with Isaac's class.

Although I was tired this morning and not particularly excited about helping out, being surrounded by such youthful exuberance was probably good for me. There's something to be said for being a kid, after all.