October 31

Between drop-offs, the Halloween parade at school, Isaac's class party, and the mailing of Box Tops, it was a busy morning. A giant spider on the living room ceiling and a broken front door lock added to the excitement, too. But this evening saw the craziness settle into a sweet level of comfort as we suited up and hit the streets for trick-or-treat time.

In case it's not clear, we have Luigi, a Colonial Girl --who became Bo Peep when someone made the suggestion--, and a Ninjago dude. I made a very late-game decision to be a Crazy Cat Lady, but a dearth of stuffed cats and a bounty of stuffed canines meant I was a Crazy Dog Lady instead. Go figure. But I digress.

As we walked, Adam and I did as we sometimes do on special occasions: we remembered. And in this case, we remembered the six different Halloween costumes Logan wore during his time here with us, from a pumpkin at the tender age of three months to Finn McMissile at five years. And as we watched his siblings go from house to house and listened to the chorus of well-mannered trick-or-treats and thank-yous, we smiled at the memories we're blessed to hold in our hearts -- and over the ones that have yet to be made.

October 30

This evening, we did as we do every year and carved the pumpkins we picked at Pastorino's. It's a tradition for Adam and the kiddos to hunker down on the newspaper-covered kitchen floor, listening to music as they use Sharpies to draw their designs. As is our recent custom, the Little Boys drew their faces and Adam carved them, while Abby took on the entire task solo. (My involvement is generally limited to taking photos and laughing over the sillier moments.)

I feel like I've repeated myself quite a lot lately; probably because after nearly five years, it's hard to come up with fresh moments or observations to share. But I still feel like sharing the truth, and the truth here is that family traditions --all off them-- are blessings. So during this custom-rich time of year, there are many reasons for me to be thankful -- as long as my eyes are open to the truth.

October 29

My goofy girl decided that she wanted to freeze the remnants of her cup of lemonade this afternoon, and the result this evening was pretty darn funny.

Somehow, she hadn't expected that the super-sour part of the drink would settle at the bottom around the straw, so her face as she gave it a first vigorous lick was hilarious. She then embarked upon a monologue about the experience that had both of us snickering.

A lot of life isn't funny at all, so the moments that are... those are the ones to deliberately remember.

October 28

I was transcribing data from a receipt earlier today when something unusual happened. I rarely look at anything other than the total and date, but somehow, the extra text on this one caught my eye:

Given numerous recent situations that have arisen in my life of late, these words from Hebrews were incredibly --amazingly-- apropos.

Much easier said than done, of course, but the reminder was as needed as it was flagrant.

October 27

I first met Nikki four years ago when Brady and her oldest son were in preschool together. I realized earlier today --after I took this picture following our walk-the-park/coffee get-together-- that I'm not sure I've ever written about her. And that truth is utterly ridiculous because at some point along the way, she became one of my closest friends. So here we go.

What can I say? I like and appreciate so many things about this girl. Though I don't love that she's actually younger than me (unlike almost all of my other friends), she's faced some tough challenges, so she's something of an old soul. She's also funny and self-deprecating, which as a fellow self-deprecator who likes to think she has a decent sense of humor, I find totally amusing. And she's a checker-in'er. I was telling her just the other day that I know that she'll text me to ask how I'm doing if she knows something big is happening or if she feels like something may be off; not a lot of people do that for me, so I'm always grateful to hear that ping.

I'm sure she's probably all kinds of embarrassed about now, but it all needed to be said, especially since her birthday is tomorrow and she's been a gift to me. Happy slightly early birthday, Nikki! Love you!

October 26

This is literally the only photo I took today so it's my winner by default. Fortunately --as weird as it seems even to me-- it works!

This is the inside of my favorite Starbucks; the one where they know my name and get my drink ready for me as soon as I walk in the door. (Yeah, I know.) It opened today after a 10-day renovation, so needless to say, it looked nothing like this 10 days ago.

I'm really not someone who likes change very much. At all, really, especially when it's change for the sake of change (and not for any practical reason). So I was kind of surprised when I wasn't immediately repulsed by the changes; in fact, I kind of like it.

It's good to be adaptable, because change is guaranteed in human life. So for my unexpected burst of flexibility, I'm thankful.

October 25

I've been thinking about perspective a lot lately. I know that's something of an amorphous topic but stay with me for a sec while I (try to) tease it out.

These are my glasses:

Aside from improving my vision (a little bit), they literally change the way I view the world: people, situations, pretty much everything looks different when I wear them.

These glasses may make everything clearer for me, but they do nothing for Abby because she has an entirely different prescription. So what's my point here? It's this: just because something seems entirely clear to me doesn't mean that it's clear to someone else. I know I forget that all the time; I'll interpret an action (or lack of action) to mean one thing, when it reality, it was intended to mean something else entirely. So, to sum it up, it's incredibly important to remember that because we all have different prescriptions, we also must be full of grace -- and willing to extend it when we don't see eye to eye with someone else.

October 24

I have no idea why I took this picture this morning, but in a way, it's a very accurate representation of my feelings toward much of the world the past few days:

I guess I could be frustrated, but sometimes it's much better to take a lighthearted approach to irritating circumstances. If I'm going to expend mental energy, it may as well be on a smile or a silly face, right? I think so. At least that's what I'm going with for now. And that's good enough.

October 23

I've never been able to hide my emotions particularly well, so I may as well just admit that I've spent the last few days brooding. Someone I care about hurt my feelings a few days ago, and though I'm sure it wasn't intentional (and in fact, said person probably has no idea that s/he did anything wrong), it doesn't lessen the sting. I'll be first in line to admit that brooding and thinking don't do much in cases like this one, but I'll also tell you that it's not really a choice; it's the way my mind works. I examine and study and re-examine situations until I can force them to make sense. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can't explain the pain away, and that creates a dissonance in my soul that's hard to overcome. So that's where I've been: thinking and thinking and thinking some more.

In spite of my inability to bring order to my mental chaos, I had a restful moment this evening that's worthy of a share. We came out of Costco after the moon had risen, and the sky was just beautiful. I gazed at the scene that God so lovingly painted for us and a sigh slipped out. For me, there's real comfort in knowing that the God who created that cosmic artwork is the same God who created me. My life is far from perfect and I certainly have my share of struggles --and in some ways, I feel like I've had to deal with more than my share-- but I know that in spite of it all, I'm still blessed.

October 22

Brady went to a birthday party at the local park this afternoon. Here he is, holding the cards he made for his friends:

I love his creativity, and I love watching him interact with his classmates. When we first arrived, the kiddos engaged in an enthusiastic game of tag. I was gratified to hear several of them calling his name, and not just when he was It, but because they just wanted to say hi. As someone who's never been particularly popular, it made me happy to think that he's well-liked. It's a blessing to be loved and appreciated just for being you, and I'm glad he has that.

October 21

I never like to say that a day was wasted, but today wasn't my favorite. Not even close, really. It was just a really, really hard one emotionally. But it was also the day we'd chosen to drive down to Pastorino's Pumpkin Farm, so we kept the plan and I tried to suck it up.

We've been to this particular farm in Half Moon Bay every year since 2003, when we didn't yet have kids and looked enviously at the young parents and their adorably dressed little pumpkins cheesing for the camera. We went in the mid-2000s, when multiple screaming short people in the back seat made the already lengthy trip feel lengthier. We went in 2010, when Logan was sick and I was hugely pregnant with Brady and even in 2011, when Logan was home with us but had started the downhill slide that would eventually claim his earthly life. We even went in 2012, when the very notion of going back without him --and of taking our annual photo by the entrance; the ones that chronicle the growth of the kids from one year to the next-- felt like an utterly unbearable impossibility. So you could say that it's something of a special place for our family.

Anyway, today we took the requisite photos and picked out pumpkins. I strugged with my mood and mostly failed, but I was there. And I felt the old feelings and remembered the old memories of all of the kids in that special place: of all four of them in a wagon, of Logan smiling as he held a delicate purple wildflower to his nose and giggled as it danced in the breeze, of toddler Abby trying to bite the stem off a pumpkin, of chubby little Isaac roving from one gourd to the next in his silent quest to seek out the perfect one. Of smiles and laughter and deep thoughts. And yes, even of tears.

Some special places feel different over time for me, but not this place. So today, I'm thankful that we were able to go back, and more thankful for the memories I continue to carry in my heart.

October 20

I first met Taylor during the spring 2016 baseball season. A boy she nannies for --who happens to be the son of another friend-- played on the same team as Isaac, so we spent quite a few afternoons just shooting the breeze at practices. But we only recently started meeting for coffee, and it must be said: this girl is awesome. (Gold, really. Definitely not silver.)

She's just a teensy bit younger than me (*cough*) and we're in very different places in life and she's the tiniest bit crazy (*cough again*), but she's something of an old soul and it's a lot of fun to just sit and talk with her. For hours.

I don't know that I expected to find a friend in her back when we first started chatting, but I'm so thankful that I did.

October 19

With school in full swing and my list of obligations growing daily, it's becoming something of a struggle to avoid feeling overwhelmed. So this evening, I filled a fancy glass with ice water and plunked down on the couch to watch TV.

It's amazing how something as simple as drinking from a pretty glass can change my mood for the better.

Little things are blessings indeed.

October 18

After drop-off this morning, I drove over to the cemetery. Adam planted some sunny yellow mums on Logan's grave while I was in Maryland, and they've actually managed to survive, so I decided to water them. When I got there, I found these on his stone:

They're artificial, but someone clearly took the time to arrange them and make them look nice. He's been gone for over five years, of course, but it always touches my heart when someone does something --even a very small, anonymous something-- to show that he's still remembered.

That was my primary point here, but I wanted to share something else, too. I don't go to his grave by myself very often these days. At first I did; I was there multiple times a week and wound up in tears every time. As I stood there looking down at his stone this morning, I reflected on my lack of visits, and started to say that I wasn't feeling as emotional as I used to feel when I visited. But then I surprised myself and started crying. I had a conversation with my son and cried; I talked about how I'm getting more involved at the boys' school and about the bitter realization I had recently that he never even got to meet a number of the terrific people I now call my closer friends. How life is just not as good without him in it. And then I stood in the silence with just his stone and my tears as company, and listened.

As I drove away a bit later, I reflected on a truth: no matter how my personal situation and experiences may change from one minute to the next, the underlying truth is always the same: I will always mourn him. Although the tears come less frequently, they still come, and they often take me by surprise. With all of those truths in mind, the BIG truth remains: no matter how messy the world becomes, God will still be on His throne. And when I look at my own highs and lows and laughter and tears, I'm thankful that that is the ultimate truth.

October 17

After drop-off this morning, I grabbed some coffee, headed home to do a little work, and then met these lovely ladies for a walk around the neighborhood.

We're all moms who have kids at the same schools (well, one of us moved a kid to a different elementary school earlier this year, but she's still one of Us anyway) so we have plenty to chat about when we get together.

Given that I'm a relatively social person who isn't huge on being sedentary, it was a blessedly perfect way for me to spend an hour. Fresh air and friends: two essential elements of this life of ours, and two of God's most necessary creations.

October 16

We hadn't made a Costco run in a few weeks, so that's what we did this evening. It was just your run-of-the-mill trip, with dinner at the food court and Adam's patented how-was-your-day? child grilling sessions. (Here he is interviewing Abby, who wasn't exactly a willing participant.)

Given how much the world --and life in general-- changes from day to day, predictable moments like this one provide a sense of comfort for me. (And honestly, they're funny as heck, too. And who doesn't like to laugh? I'm definitely a fan.)

October 15

I took one photo today, and this is it:

I was actually just checking my lip gloss using my phone camera when I noticed Brady grinning in the background. So I followed his lead, smiled, and took the photo.

Sometimes, it's okay to take a kid's lead, especially when that kid is simply reminding us to embrace the simple moments and be happy.

October 14

We got a nice surprise when Adam's good friend from high school and her little boy came out to Pleasanton to visit this morning. They live in Oakland and the smoke from the fires up north kept them inside all week, so they headed out our way to enjoy some quality playground time.

We hadn't seen Karine in a few years (which seems utterly ridiculous since geographically, we're not all that far apart) so it was really good to have some time to chat in person. They couldn't stay long, but it was a blessing to see them again because old friends are most definitely treasures.

October 13

I am beyond thankful that it's Friday. Adam's back from his trip and things feel... right'er. And it didn't hurt that it wasn't a terrible day. I started with my coffee, and then had my hair done for the first time in... well, we won't talk about that part. Suffice it to say that the time that'd passed since my last cut was somewhere between 'wow, that long?!' and 'zoinks!' I gave the stylist just a few guidelines and let her have at it, and this was the result:

I actually do have a similar photo that doesn't feature the goofy face, but I chose this one precisely because of that expression; because I look at it and know that I was happy when I took it.

Though I know that God always sees me in a positive light, I can't really say that I typically see myself in the same way. So this lovely Friday, I'm thankful for this silly face and what it means.

October 12

I'm really (really) thankful that it's Thursday and that Adam is coming home tomorrow. For the most part, it's been a decent week, but we've certainly had our Moments and I'm looking forward to sharing parental responsibilities once again. And I'm looking forward to being off-duty for a little while. In fact, I began my off-duty'ness this evening by re-painting my nails.

I went with a nice, coppery color that reminds me of Fall leaves. (Corny but true. I miss the East Coast this time of year.) There's something pleasant about taking care of yourself, even in the simplest of ways. The down time is relaxing, and when I'm calm, I'm peaceful, and when I'm peaceful, I'm more likely to revel in my blessings -- and to feel actual gratitude for them. And that's a very good thing.

October 11

I don't really even know what to say about today other than it started out frustrating and continued to be frustrating. But it's okay now because everyone who annoyed me is in bed. Not sleeping, mind you, because Heaven knows my children are all night owls, but at least they're in their rooms and mostly quiet. (And I say this with great sincerity: thank you, Jesus, for that.)

So yeah: they were definitely wild and loud and I was definitely feeling more frazzled and tired than usual. It's my typical mental state once Adam's four or five days into a business trip, but the certainty of knowing how I'll probably feel doesn't really help me manage the onslaught of emotion.

But what does help are the rare quiet moments, and I had one of those when, after we got home after Abby's dance class and a jaunt around Safeway (because dude, we ran out of bread two days ago. Who runs out of bread?), I sat on Brady's bed and said nighttime prayers with the Little Boys. I inhaled that beautiful, silent stillness, and when I opened my eyes and looked at those beautiful, oft-mischievous boys looking back at me, I felt nothing but peace and gratitude. They may get under my skin and push my buttons like no one else, but how blessed am I to have so many little people around to make me crazy? Very.

October 10

It was such a beautiful morning that I expedited my coffee-drinking time in order to head to the Sports Park to walk the loop. For some reason (and I really have no idea why), I decided it would be a good idea to take a picture of myself walking. So here it is:

Yup, that's me walking: earbuds in, hair mostly a frizzy mess, but it's me. And as I reflected as I walked, that's not a terrible thing. I am, for better or worse, the person God intended me to be, and though I'm not perfect, I'm here and I'm taking care of kids and (doing a terrible job of) taking care of a house and consciously --deliberately-- connecting with others on a daily basis. Am I selling people on the idea of God and of Heaven and of the saving power of Jesus as I walk through my daily life? I don't know. Probably not most of the time, but for the days that my experience and tendency toward oversharing make a difference, I'm thankful.

October 9

Abby would probably be really (really) mad if she knew I was using this image, but she insisted I take it so I could text it to Adam. And it's just way too perfect.

I wasn't thrilled when, a few weeks back, Abby told me about the colonial period project for her History class and said she wanted to make a dress. My mom is an amazing seamstress so I know how challenging --and time-consuming-- clothing construction can be, so I not-so-subtly encouraged her tackle a less ambitious project.

Of course, my one and only daughter is also extraordinarily stubborn and she had her heart set on making a dress, so that's just what she did, with help from Adam's mom. She's modeling the final product above.

My grousing aside, I'm proud of her for not taking the easy way out by choosing a simpler project. After all, easier isn't always better, and a challenge met builds character. I'm thankful that I get to watch her --and all of my kiddos-- choosing to take the roads less traveled.

October 8

With the goal of establishing and expanding inter-generational connections, our church pairs up adults and kids to be prayer pals. Brady's previous pal always takes a few minutes to shake his hand and chat him up after the service, and their exchanges are always adorable:

Brady usually stands stock still and offers up mostly one-word answers, but the way his buddy tries to engage him --and to find out what's going on in his day-to-day life-- is such a blessing. Just imagine how amazing the world would be if we were all so open with one another and had such clear lines of communication in place. Kind of cool, I think.

October 7

Adam and I went out by ourselves tonight. I guess you could call it a spur-of-the-moment date (that wasn't totally spur'ish since he thought ahead enough to get the kiddos Little Caesars pizza), though I haven't referred to our outings as "dates" in quite a long while. Anyway, we went to dinner and then took a walk around the Sports Park.

(Ignore the ridiculous look on my face.) It was nice to be out alone, engaging in our special brand of (mostly) good-natured bickering and flirtation, especially since I was gone most of last week and he'll be returning the favor starting tomorrow.

With all of the busy-ness that consumes our days and hours and minutes, it's a blessing to be able to just slow down and be together every now and then, even if we're not doing anything noteworthy.

October 6

The kiddos didn't have school today, so we went out to IHOP for breakfast. (Well, more like brunch. There was much foot-dragging that slowed the pace considerably.) The Little Boys have been extra bicker-y lately, so when the opportunity to separate them arose afterward, I grabbed it and took Isaac to Boomers for some (non-video game related) fun while Abby and Brady stayed home.

Isaac isn't aggressive or particularly outgoing and he wasn't so sure about driving the go-kart at first --as a matter of fact, he looked near-tears when he first touched the accelerator and the car lurched forward-- but he wound up having a good time. So much so, in fact, that he spent most of the rest of the day talking about how much he enjoyed the boats and the laser tag and the mini golf. (Which, of course, made Abby and Brady envious, but that's another entry.)

Given how mercurial he's been lately, I liked watching him enjoy himself.

October 5

It was an eventful day that began with Brady getting stuck his room and me breaking the door frame to get him out (don't ask. I don't even know how it happened so I can't explain), progressed to repeated failed attempts at taking a nap, moved on to signing a heap of loan docs for a refinance, and ended with Chick fil A. All the while, I was contemplating my time back in Maryland and really internalizing how much I miss being there. But it's not where my life is, so I have to focus on the positives, and of course, these people are the biggest ones of all.

It's hard being bicoastal, because no matter where I am, I miss someone. I guess that's the reality for anyone who's ever left home or has a family member who's moved away. I've felt quite alone at times over the past several years, and though I'm fairly social by nature and have run myself ragged trying to build and maintain relationships, a big piece of me wishes I could just be back east, where I have lots of family and old friends and friendship doesn't feel so... hard.

But I digress, because the people in the photo, they're the ones who matter most. And I'm thankful to have them here with me.

October 4

Today went as planned in that I got up, drove to BWI, returned my rental car (which, in the end, I quite liked: it used a whopping five gallons of gas over four days of heavy use! Woohoo hybrids!), and flew back to Oakland. But given that I'm dead tired and don't know what else to write, I'll share an experience from my Baltimore-to-Phoenix segment of the journey. I was in the window seat next to an older lady. We exchanged a few pleasantries after boarding: she asked me what I do for a living, I offered her some gum. Then we each got out a book and began reading. A few hours into the 4 1/2 hour flight, I pulled my jacket up around my neck and dozed off. As I lingered between sleep and wakefulness, I vaguely heard my row-mate request a cup of tomato juice. And long story short, a few minutes after that, I was wearing most of it. I don't really know what happened, but the feeling of that cold, sticky liquid rapidly seeping into my jeans jolted me back to consciousness in an uncomfortable way. (In case you're wondering, this is what dried tomato juice looks like on denim:)

In that moment, as it pooled underneath me in my seat, ran down my leg, soaked the sleeve of my jacket, and we both scrambled to find napkins, I felt a flash of anger. But I took a breath, and all I said was "it's fine. I know it was an accident."

And that's exactly what it was: an accident. I know she was embarrassed and felt badly, and I certainly had no desire to make her feel worse. But I also had five hours of travel left, and sometimes it's hard for me to take the high road, especially when I'm tired and unexpectedly wet and/or dirty and eager to get home.

So today, I'm thankful that I was able to keep a level head, because let's face it: we all need a huge helping of grace every single day. Since grace is given so freely to me, I can't rightly withhold it from someone else, can I?

October 3

Tomorrow, I'll drive to BWI, hop on a plane, and fly back home. Well, I'll fly to the place where my immediate family lives. I've never really settled on exactly where my home is, since when I'm in California, I refer to Maryland as home, but when I'm in Maryland, California suddenly takes the title. It's confusing. And honestly, I'd been embroiled in precisely that variety of confusion for a while now: where is home? Which parts of which home do I carry with me? How does who I once was --in Maryland-- influence who I am now as an adult? I still don't have concrete answers to those questions, but I can tell you one thing for sure: being in Maryland for the past few days --driving the back country roads I knew as a kid, hanging out with family, remembering what was, and looking out at this view from Grandma W's porch-- has given me a sense of peace that I'd been missing for quite a long time.

I'm not perfect (or even remotely close), but I think I'm a decent person most of the time. I try hard to do the right things, even when I have no inkling of which end is up, and if you're my friend, I care about you -- a lot. But yes, I try. I really do.

There may be some things about my past that are very hard --and I relive them, in a way, every time I come to Maryland-- but the sum of my experiences --the great ones, the ho-hum ones, and the tragic ones alike-- have molded me into the woman I am. So it's only right that I thank God for both of my homes and for how they've each helped to transform me into this 39-year old work-in-progress.

October 2

Once again, I find myself in the frustrating position of having multiple photos I'd like to use. But alas, the lousy internet condition is still a factor so I was forced to (very reluctantly) choose just one. Since today was Grandma D's funeral and I saw a lot of family, I chose one that includes as many of those people as possible:

This photo began innocuously enough with just me and my Aunt Kathy. Then we summoned one of my brothers and a few of my cousins, and more aunts, and more cousins... until this entire group had assembled. I have a similar set of photos from my Grandpa W's memorial service several years ago, and I like looking back at them, just like I know I'll appreciate looking back at these in the years to come. Family is a very special thing.

Friends are also special, though, and I'd be completely remiss if I didn't mention something else I did this afternoon. As I drove around Clarksburg --where I spent the first six or seven years of my life-- I thought of my longtime friend Gretchen, who still --amazingly enough-- lives in her childhood home. A moment later, I realized that today was her birthday, so of course I had to drop in on her. I literally had five minutes to chat since I had dinner plans, but it was so great to see her again. And it was amazing to be able to give her a big hug on her special day.

I may only have a few days here before I head back to my little family, but this time in Maryland has been priceless, and I'm so thankful that I made that last-second decision to come.

October 1

I had several photos that I wanted to use today, but alas, my internet connection is sub-par and I can't convince them all to download. So I had to really think about the one that I liked the most, and this was the winner:

I liked all of them for various reasons: there was one of me and my sister-in-law Reaya at my nephew Brendan's soccer game this afternoon. There was another of my brother Charlie and I from our spur-of-the-moment stop at the local ice cream institution Jimmie Cone (and yeah -- the ice cream and jimmies were just as awesome as I remembered). There was another of both of my brothers and I making goofy faces for the camera after dinner at my grandma (the one I'm staying with, not the one who passed)'s house this evening. (Well, I was making a ridiculous face. They both looked normal (or as normal as they ever look).)

But I went with this one for three reasons: one, we're in my grandma's kitchen, where I spent a lot of time growing up. Two, we're all being silly. And three, and most importantly, every person in this image is one of my blood relatives: my mom, my nephew, my niece Brianna, and my brother. That's a statement I can rarely make, given that most of my family still lives in Maryland and I'm 3,000 miles away. But it's a statement I could make today and back up with this image. And for that blessing, I'm very thankful.