Saturday, March 31, 2018

March 31

I like a good adventure now and then (and on rare occasion, when pressed, I can even be spontaneous. Sort of). But I do love my traditions, and dyeing Easter eggs is one of ours.

It's not exactly the involved affair it was back when Abby and Logan were wee ones and I did an amazing job of "doing" holidays, but it was still fun to see the kiddos picking their colors and dipping their eggs this afternoon.

I'm conscious that time is going to fly by and that before I know it, they won't want to dye eggs anymore, so I'm enjoying it while the enjoying's still good.

Friday, March 30, 2018

March 30

I don't know exactly when it happened, but at some point, we stopped doing "fun" little day trips with the kiddos. I guess it's probably because school and baseball and dance and work and a host of other activities (and, honestly, advancing age and the resulting tiredness) crept in over time and ate up those hours and minutes. But today, we rolled back the clock a bit and took a field trip to the Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield.

It was fun to wear the little paper hats and take the tour. It was awesome to watch the kids visit the Easter Bunny because I hadn't had a chance to take them to the mall and felt badly about it. It was amusing to watch them fill bags with jelly beans of their choice in the on-site store. But beyond all of that, it was nice to be together doing something fun for an afternoon. Family time is a blessing that I probably don't appreciate nearly as much as I should.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

March 29

I went out with my friend Kathy this evening for dinner and a movie to celebrate her birthday. (This pic is actually from yesterday because I don't have one from today. Roll with it.)

I'm absolutely the type to wax poetic over everything and it would be entirely predictable for me to go on and on about friendship, but I won't. Instead, I'll just say that I'm deeply thankful for her and for all of the friends in my life who make me laugh and support me when I cry and reserve judgment when I navigate my harder times. It's a huge blessing to have strong, intelligent women to walk with me through this life, and for that gift, I'll always be grateful.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

March 28

Every now and then I'm proud of something I do. I'm not really one to talk about those things, but I'll make an exception today. I made this cake --which is essentially a giant chocolate swiss roll-- for my friend's birthday.

Although the recipe claimed it was "easy," it took me three separate tries to get it right. The first batch went wrong when a container of popcorn seasoning fell out of a cabinet and into the bowl (since, you know, stuff always falls on me when I'm in the kitchen). The second fell victim to a quartet of eggs I forgot to bring to room temperature before heating. But the third one was pretty darn perfect (at least by my not-quite-perfect-is-good-enough-in-the-kitchen standards).

So yeah. I'm proud of myself for persevering when it would've been far easier to give up. And though it means I probably wind up feeling hurt more often than might otherwise be the case, I'm thankful for my tendency to keep trying because every now and then, that persistence can produce something pretty darn cool.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

March 27

It was a busy, busy day that began with an impromptu coffee date with a friend, continued with two (simultaneous, unfortunately) baseball games, and concluded with me feverishly finishing up a project that probably inspired the sprouting of a few extra gray hairs. Although the day teemed with activity, my favorite moments were just that: moments that I'd have missed had I not been paying attention.

The first --which, of course, is not pictured-- featured Abby summoned Brady and hugging him in her lap while we waited to walk down to the field that was to host his ballgame. I have no clue what inspired the unexpected show of affection, but it was sweet. And then there was this moment as we walked back to the car after dinner. Just as she did the first time, she summoned Brady and then scooped him into her arms.

I didn't ask for an explanation and she didn't offer one up, so I'll just take it for what it was: an unexpected but welcomed burst of affection from one sibling to another. Given how cold the world can be, that kind of love is pretty darn special.

Monday, March 26, 2018

March 26

Abby may have super glued her fingers together (and to the blue board; we'll call it a family tradition) while working on this project for drama class, but I'm still impressed with the effort.

Eventually, she'll add Peeps to the display, but for now it's the split-in-two ship from a Spiderman movie, constructed from graham crackers. (I have no idea which movie because I don't really do Marvel, but it was a noteworthy scene to her.)

For the upteenth time, I'm impressed and a little bit humbled by her ingenuity. Creative kids are blessings! (So remember that the next time your 5-year old colors the living room wall or super glues the dog to the couch. Messes are signs of lives well-lived and enjoyed.)

Sunday, March 25, 2018

March 25

I had a good time at church this morning (and unexpectedly being called to the front didn't even rattle me; a hearty thank you to borderline extraversion for that one). Then I had a good time at a family party this afternoon. (Here's a peek at some of the action from the lunch table, featuring Aunt Susan, Brady, my sister-in-law Emily, Isaac, and my nephew Asher:)

Then tonight, I had a good time at dinner with my amazing friend Nikki.

So you could say it was a very good day that featured virtually zero conflict, lots of laughs, and calm waters. And for this kind of peaceful, heart-happy day, I'm deeply thankful.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

March 24

Adam and I were baseball people long before Isaac decided he wanted to play, so I don't think either of us minds spending long Saturdays at the Sports Park. It's great to be outside (when it's not raining or cold or windy) and it's super fun to chat with friends new and old (because Heaven knows there's little I love more than good chit-chat). And, of course, it's nice to win! Brady's division doesn't really keep score, but he pitched two innings and had two legitimate hits today, and Isaac's team won.

It always makes me happy when my kiddos are proud of themselves, and Isaac is so hard on himself (seriously, I've never seen a kid nit-pick his own performances like he does) that I was doubly delighted when he doubled during his second at-bat. He drove in a pair of runs and just looked so happy as he stood on second base that I thought my heart might explode.

Of course, success is often fleeting and unpredictable and if I had to choose between my kids being good people or good AT something, I'd choose the former. But those moments of triumph are blessings nonetheless.

Friday, March 23, 2018

March 23

Abby's drama class performed a number from "Hamilton" this morning during the school's talent show, and they were actually quite good. (She's toward the back on the righthand side.)

As I sat there watching them, I felt a jolt of sadness-tinged nostalgia, because it occurred to me that it was something of a swan song for this group of eighth graders. In less than five months, they'll all be in high school. High school.

Still, potentially time-related lamenting aside, I'm thankful that we were able to go watch the show and to be part of the moment.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

March 22

There's something about belly-shaking laughter that makes my heart absolutely sing, and it crooned an entire chorus this afternoon while I drove these boys to their field trip destination across town.

Honestly, I didn't want to go on this trip, and only went when summoned due to a volunteer shortage. I was even less thrilled when a whopping five boys (including Isaac, of course) trooped out of the classroom and followed me out to my car. (Because spoiler alert: fourth grade boys are loud.)

But I have to tell you, they were incredibly --and unexpectedly-- entertaining. They started with a cacophony of conversation that I had no nope of following. That melted into a chorus of a song I'd heard but didn't know the words to, and then came the laughter as we passed a car carrying a group of their classmates. Beautiful, pinging, crazy laughter that was so young and energetic and heartfelt and joyful that I couldn't help but smile.

So my tip for the day? Stay open to those unexpected moments and drink up every drop of goodness they produce.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

March 21

If you know me in real life (or have read this blog for a while), you know that music often speaks to me. So I wasn't terribly surprised when I found myself singing along with --and really relating to-- this song earlier today.

It's a year-old release by Old Dominion called "No Such Thing as a Broken Heart." To pare it down to the basics, it's about throwing your all into loving people without worrying about potentially negative outcomes. I think, for the most part, it's something I do to an extent. But of course I could do it even more than I do, because above all else, we're supposed to love.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

March 20

As Brady and I waited for the second bell to ring this afternoon, I stopped and looked at him; like really stopped and looked at him as he splashed from one puddle to the next underneath his little Planes umbrella.

I don't think I spend enough time just watching my kids be themselves. I do try to make a conscious effort to be present to them, but I don't know that I just sit back and observe as often as I should because somehow, seeing him with darker hair and that sprinkling of freckles across his cheeks and over the bridge of his nose --the one trait he obviously got from me-- took me by surprise. I mean, I'm well-aware that he's seven years old, but in the same breath... wow, seven.

So today, I'm thankful for the reminder that I should pay more attention because before I know it, he'll been eight and nine and 10. And I can watch video to remember and recapture some of the feelings, but I'll never live in these moments ever again.

Monday, March 19, 2018

March 19

The sunset tonight was stunning, and I would've missed it had I not been facing "the wrong way." See, Isaac had a baseball game. After a rough start, I headed to the restroom when Adam arrived and then wandered over to visit a friend whose son was playing on a nearby field. Since I could see Isaac's game across the way (and fortunately did NOT miss his two-RBI double!), I stood and chatted with her until the games ended, and as I walked back over to where Isaac was playing, I saw this:

It was a reminder to me that there are beautiful sights to be seen and experiences to be had that we may not expect. So keep your eyes --and, to be cliche, your heart-- open so you won't miss 'em.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

March 18

Bear with me, because this'll be a long one.

With all the rain we've had lately, my joints --knees, back, ribs-- have been a mess. So when I got up this morning, it took me quite a while to decide to go to church because given that my knees tend to lock up after 10 minutes of non-motion, the idea of sitting in a chair for 90 minutes was entirely unappealing. Eventually, however, I hauled myself upstairs, got dressed, and off we went.

When we got there, I stopped to talk to my friend Tina and happened to mention my creaky joints. We chatted briefly about the idea of healing and she said a quick prayer for me, and then I packed away the interaction in my mind and joined everyone else inside.

What I didn't know was that the entire service would be about healing. The guest speaker --who has a healing ministry-- talked about God's kindness and how it's in His very nature to heal. I heard what he had to say and teared up multiple times because healing is an extremely difficult topic for me for very obvious reasons: if God wants to heal, then why didn't He heal Logan? I poured my heart and soul and every bit of emotion I could muster into begging for my son's life for 18 grueling months, but that earthly healing I so desperately wanted didn't come. Six plus years later and I still don't know exactly how to cope with that brand of heartache, nor do I know what to do with the crushing feelings of disappointment when they arise. And I know that I have to accept it as my reality because no one on this side of Heaven will ever be able to make it make sense.

I guess it's fair to say that I've probably prayed pretty timid prayers since he died; it's not uncommon for me to mutter 'okay, God, just do whatever You want to do and make me okay with it.' The expectations I once held --the notion that God not only could but would do great things-- are muted, softened, weathered like a piece of ocean rock. I don't think I gave up, per se, but I definitely stopped hoping for anything extraordinary.

Anyhow, toward the end of the service, he asked anyone in the room who needed healing --any kind: physical, emotional, relational-- to stand up. Given that I'm a mess in multiple areas, it didn't take me long to rise to my feet, and I opted to focus on my most immediate and obvious need: the physical discomfort. I won't lie: I didn't feel any difference in my knees. But at one point, in the silence, I felt like God said "It's time." Time for healing for me.

I don't really know what that will look like, to be honest, because I'm covered with so many sore spots and raw areas that I don't even know if I can open myself up enough to be reached by that healing touch. But for the first time in a very long while, I'll try. And trying is often the best first step we can take.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

March 17

The boys got their report cards yesterday (and lest you're wondering why Abby didn't get hers, the education powers-that-be here have decided that elementary schools operate on the trimester schedule while middle and high are on quarter/semester. It's never made sense to me but 'tis neither here nor there). So after lunch today, they got ice cream as a treat.

I don't spend much time bragging about their academic achievements because honestly, it's far more important to me that they be good people than awesome students. But I'm proud of them, and seeing them reach their potential makes my heart smile.

Friday, March 16, 2018

March 16

I didn't really feel like watching another Marvel movie tonight, so I made a last-second decision to tag along on Isaac's youth group bowling outing.

My back's been bothering me this week so I didn't actually bowl, but I watched and cheered and observed. And by the time Isaac and I got in the car to head home, I'd adopted an all-new appreciation of the youth leaders. Not everyone is blessed with the patience to spend an evening with a herd of fourth-through-sixth graders, but they did it with aplomb. And for the gift of people who enjoy time with kids and have that extra bit of patience, I'm thankful.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

March 15

When I was a kid, I wanted to design houses (until I realized that it was kind of important to be good at math. I wasn't terrible at it, per se, but it definitely wasn't my 'thing.'). I remember spending hours sitting at the table in my grandparents' little breakfast area, drawing and labeling room after room. So I was a bit surprised when Brady showed me this today:

He's a little younger than I was when I was entrenched in home design (which explains why his creation features multiple "eating rooms"), but I felt a sense of nostalgia sweep over me when I saw what he'd drawn. It was a long time ago for me, of course, but it's always a blessing when something one of my kiddos does points to a sweet memory from my past.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

March 14

I was straightening the foyer this evening when I found this just laying on the floor near the shoe cubbies:

I'm guessing it's a Valentine's Day card that Brady forgot to give us --based on the hand size and the fact that it says 'Brady' in his handwriting on the back-- but it sure was nice to find it today.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

March 13

It's funny how the weather often mirrors my moods. Some days are of a pure, roll-the-windows-down-and-crank-up-the-radio ilk, while others are overcast and gloomy. Then there are the ones like today, which couldn't seem to decide if it wanted to be rainy or sunny or cloudy or cold or warm. (That's a drawn out way of saying that I, like most of the general population, can be mercurial and scattered.) But one thing I'm always happy to see --especially on a wacky weather day-- is a rainbow.

I saw this one when I was driving Abby to her youth group meeting early this evening. In fact, when I finally spied it in the sky, I actually exclaimed "well, well, I've been looking for you all day!" (I think the kids thought I was a little nutso.) Especially on those up and down days, there's really nothing like a visible reminder of God's presence and provision, and that's exactly what a rainbow represents.

Monday, March 12, 2018

March 12

I can always count on the kiddos to be innovative at just the right time.

I was feeling rather frustrated this evening while we waited for Isaac's ballgame to begin. Since it had sprinkled on and off throughout the afternoon, we brought out some chairs and umbrellas, and while I fiddled with my phone on the bleachers, Brady got to work constructing his shelter. When he'd finished, he got my attention, grinned, and asked me to take a picture. And I couldn't help but crack a smile in spite of my troubles.

Those little moments don't fix all that ail me, but you know something? Sometimes they come close.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

March 11

It was a kickback Sunday, with church in the morning and grocery shopping with a friend in the evening. Sandwiched in the middle, we went to the Sports Park for a little baseball practice on a diamond.

I know baseball isn't everyone's cup of tea --it can be a slow game and if you don't really care about what's going on, I know it can seem more than a bit tedious-- but I love it. And I love watching my boys love it, too, because seeing them enjoy themselves is a blessing.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

March 10

Adam joined me in the 40-club today. It just so happened that Isaac had an 8:30 AM baseball game with a 7:45 reporting time (and they won!), then picture day at 11:10, and then Brady had a game at 1:00, so he spent most of his milestone birthday under cloudy skies at the Sports Park. But I think he enjoyed it.

He took a nap this afternoon while I made his cake, and then we went to dinner at On the Border --which, after 20 years, I knew would be his pick!-- and came home to close out the day with presents and cake.

Relationships can definitely be challenging and there are certainly ways in which we still, to this day, confuse and frustrate one another at times, but I know I'm beyond blessed to have him as my partner in this life. And for that, I'm so, so thankful.

Happy birthday, hunny!

Friday, March 9, 2018

March 9

I spent so many years just putting my head down and surviving that I didn't pause to think much about the concept of resiliency. Now, when I do mull it, I think I don't give myself enough credit for getting up and going about life when I could've let the weight of my circumstances kill me. (And I kind of hate that I wrote that because I'm not really a pat-myself-on-the-back kind of person, but I'm going somewhere with this so hang tight.)

With that said, I probably also don't really realize how resilient my kids have been, but I got a glimpse of it today. After the disappointing end to Isaac's baseball game earlier this week, I wasn't exactly sure how he'd approach his practice this afternoon. I watched him as he put his gear bag in the dugout, got out his glove and cap, and sauntered out onto the infield to play catch with one of his teammates. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Then I watched him do infield practice, and then I watched him bat and run the bases. And that was that: All of the negative emotion that marred the end of that game didn't seem to affect him at all.

So yeah. Today I'm thankful for the blessing of resiliency, and for the truth that the past never has to define us or hold us back.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

March 8

I had more than a few chance (well, not really chance since I don't believe in chance) encounters today with friends, so as I sit here watching the latest installment of "Jessica Jones" with Adam, my heart feels especially full. I could write an entire entry on any one of those meet-ups, but I want to focus on something I saw as I was leaving Walmart this morning.

It's almost impossible to see, but under those beautiful puffy clouds, a woman wearing a neon Walmart vest is holding a disabled man's arm and pushing a cart toward the crosswalk. I don't know the extent of her job description, of course, but it felt like a 'beyond the call of duty' kind of moment, and the scene made me simultaneously smile and tear up.

We so often see the bad part of humanity that it's a blessing to be reminded --in a visible way-- that regular people are still doing very good things, too.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

March 7

Some days, it's incredibly easy to write these entries. Others, it's like trying to squeeze water from a rock. Today is of the latter ilk, and I've been struggling to figure out what I want to say for quite a while now. Since I only took one picture today, I'll use it and hope that something springs to mind stat. So here I go:

Adam had to wait around to find out if he'd have jury duty this afternoon (which he did not -- let's see if I'm as lucky next week), so we had a quick lunch together. While he waited inside for our food, I sat at an outdoor table with a basket of chips and this little bird, who crept ever closer to said chips every time I turned my head away. With apologies to my avian "friend", my little song-and-dance routine with the bird reminds me that it's important to pay attention to what's going on around us at all times, because if we fail to do that, we just may have our blessings --in this case, my chips!-- pilfered.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

March 6

Parenting is hard. There are a lot of things I could say about today --I could talk about the awesome time I had at tea with an old friend this morning and about how one of my brothers totally surprised me with an unexpected little gift this afternoon-- but that's the one observation that stands out to me the most: parenting is hard. But it's also an opportunity of immense worth.

After waiting practically forever, this guy had his first baseball game of the season tonight.

It was a really competitive game and it felt like the two teams were quite well-matched in terms of ability. (And believe me, that's most definitely not always the case.) Isaac made some defensive plays, singled, walked, stole two bases, and scored his team's first run of the season. It was easy to parent as I sat there on the bleachers, feeling that sense of pride that grows and spreads as you watch your child succeed and gain confidence.

His team was leading by a run when the bottom of the final inning began, and Isaac found himself pitching. He got the first few outs quickly, and thrived as his coaches encouraged him from the dugout. But then the wheels kind of fell off the bus. There were a few walks, and a defensive miscue behind him in the infield. And then, as can so heartbreakingly happen in baseball, the next batter absolutely tagged a pitch into the outfield, and just like that, the game was over. I watched his face crumple as he walked toward the dugout. I watched the tears as they trickled down his cheeks. And that sense of pride I'd felt became... pain. His coach put an arm around him and they had a little pow wow before the post-game huddle, but me? I wanted to scream, because the whole time he was pitching, I was thinking 'come on, God. This kid needs a confidence booster. He needs to pull this out. He's been through so much and has overcome so much and he just needs this.' But, as it turns out, it wasn't meant to be this time. And, of course, he didn't actually need it. What he needed were parents who pointed out his single and his walk and his stolen bases and his run and his defensive plays, and that there will be more games played this season. And that no matter what, one person most definitely does not win or lose a game on his own. This game featured a wide variety of plays --some great, some miscues-- and Isaac had more good ones than not-so-good. He needed us to tell him that he needn't bear the entire weight of losing on his own shoulders and that you win as a team and lose as a team. So that's what we did. And by the time he headed off to bed, he seemed to be feeling better.

So yeah, parenting is hard. But the ability to make someone feel better with a hug and a few encouraging words is absolutely worth every second of frustration.

Monday, March 5, 2018

March 5

After Saturday's league-wide rainout, Brady finally had his first Single A baseball game this evening. We arrived at the prescribed time, and he headed off to the field to both warm up, and to receive his jersey and hat. When the time came to play, the coaches herded the boys into the dugout, put them in the batting order for the game, and sent them out to the diamond for the first inning of defensive play.

I watched as, one by one, the boys trotted out to the field to assume their positions. My heart sank as he called out first base, second base, third base... and still Brady sat, waiting. And then he finally go to my little muffin... and told him he was pitching. He smiled his impish little grin and ran out to the mound.

I watched him toss the ball to the plate throughout that inning with a nervous, teary-eyed pride. He notched two strikeouts, and just before the game ended, he tagged a solid single toward first.

I think he had fun. (Well, I know he did. He loves baseball too much to have not had fun.) And I was reminded of a few things: first off, to not make assumptions or be discouraged so easily because having your name called last doesn't automatically mean you're going to get screwed. And secondly, that I should take more time to actively delight in the things that make my kids happy, since the clock doesn't stop ticking and we can't get this time back after it's been spent.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

March 4

This afternoon we headed north to pay a visit to Adam's brother's family. And of course, to meet our new little niece Melody. Here we are:

It was almost like going back in time when we walked into Eric and Emily's house, since --as we once did, 10 years ago-- they have a three-year old, a one-year old, and a newborn. The kids have more or less taken over the house, and they're tired. And we totally, absolutely understand the feeling.

But chaos and tiredness aside, they seem happy, just like we were. And that's a huge blessing.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

March 3

It rained again today which canceled baseball season's opening day. The Little Boys were disappointed, but I'm not entirely sure Abby was, since it meant she was off the hook for three and a half hours of baseball viewing. Since we didn't have anything else to do, she and I went to Target after lunch, and the usual silliness rose to the surface:

I'm thankful for this girl and her unabashed, sunglasses-trying-on, hair-flipping sassitude. (Yep, that's a word.) It's not always fun to have to contend with her during mental gymnastics sessions (which she probably wins more often than not these days), but her goofiness is truly priceless.

Friday, March 2, 2018

March 2

It rained and then the sun came out and then rained and then the sun came out and then rained more and then stopped. And as of right now, it's raining again. With the perpetual coming and going of sunlight, I ducked my head outside multiple times looking for a rainbow, but didn't see one until I went to pick up Abby from a friend's house late this afternoon. (The picture is pretty poor, but it's because it was the best I could do while sitting at a stoplight:)

Metaphorically speaking, I spend a lot of time looking for rainbows. I think I always have, because underneath my layers of baggage, I do tend to think the best of people and of situations. And that is, of course, a double-edged blade because it means I can be naive, which means I probably get hurt more than most. And that sucks. But I'll keep looking for rainbows anyway, because I think it's what we should all be doing.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

March 1

It rained a lot today. And it rained hard. So it was quite nice when, as I was leaving to go shopping with Nikki tonight, it wasn't raining or drizzling or spitting or otherwise releasing liquid from the sky. Instead, it was just peaceful.

There's something calming about the intermingling of moonlight and cloudcover. It's still and cool and refreshing and beautiful, and the scene made me exhale. Given that I feel like I spent the last month-plus holding my breath, it was a much-needed release.