I am overwhelmed.
And these days when I feel overwhelmed, I crochet. So for several hours today, I furiously worked my hook through the yarn as if the speed of my hands could somehow grant me faster understanding of things that make no sense, thereby alleviating the unpleasant sensation of being overwhelmed.
But that didn't happen, of course, because some things that happen in our very human realm don't make sense.
And this most definitely does not make sense: Our church family suffered the loss of one of our own a few days ago in horribly tragic fashion. Hers was a lovely life taken far too soon by someone she should've been able to trust. It's awful and heartbreaking. And for me, unexpectedly triggering.
When I heard the news, I was transported back in time more than 30 years to my middle school days, when the mom of a friend of ours who lived just three houses down was shot and killed by our friend's stepfather. The sharpness of the violence was surreal and I remember literally collapsing when I got home from school that cold February day and another neighbor told me what had happened. About the SWAT team and how our other neighbor had helped to drag her injured body into his yard. That no, she wasn't okay. That she was dead. Just... gone. That day changed me.
I remember being deeply affected; I wore all black to school the following day and a cloud of grief hung over me for weeks like a wool coat. Eventually, I dealt with it by not thinking about it anymore. I put the memories in a box, sealed it, shelved it, and moved on.
Until this week. Thirty-some years later and a similar tragedy broke the seal on those memories and uneasy feelings, and I wasn't ready for it. I'm tempted to do what I did before and just stow the awfulness away in that old box, but that doesn't seem right, because now, as an adult with significantly more life experience under my belt, I understand more about life and death. And more importantly, I know more about God. I know that God weeps when we weep; I know that it grieves His heart when we use our free will to make choices that leave others with painful scars. I know that He wants the best for us but that He will never force us to make choices that will lead to those best lives because He wants us to feel the depth of His love and choose Him.
Yes, I know that He is good, even when I don't understand and when it makes no sense, just like I knew He was good even after Logan died. And I know that He comforts us when we weep and brings solace when we ask Him to be near. And that's a heartening, encouraging truth.
So tonight, I am grateful for the peace that He brings that will --eventually-- settle my overwhelmed feelings. And I am grateful for His goodness, even when this world makes no sense.