February 26

Every now and then, I wake up in the morning, think of Logan, and my heart aches. And it's not a fleeting pain; it's an intense, full-bodied sensation that feels like it might break me in two. Long story  shorter, I had one of those experiences today.

As I laid there with my face scrunched up and pressed against the pillow --trying to harden myself against the onslaught of emotion that prior experience has taught me was on its way-- I silently prayed "Holy Spirit, come and fill the broken places with Your presence."

And then slowly, gradually, the hurt subsided. And then I had a memory followed by a distinct vision. The memory was a bit of scripture from the book of John, which I'm currently reading, in which John the Baptist says that in order for Jesus to become more, he (John) must become less. I know that in context, John was talking about the vital importance of Jesus' ministry continuing to grow, but the vision that I had made me look at his words a little differently.

See, in that moment as I felt the Holy Spirit come and relieve my pain, I also saw it pour into my heart. It filled in the cracks and crevices that would otherwise cause me immeasurable discomfort with peace beyond explanation. In essence, it brought supernatural healing to my human suffering as it renewed the injured areas of my heart. It made --and makes-- me less like broken, injured, fully human me, and more like Jesus. To borrow John's words, as the pain faded, I was becoming less while He was becoming more.

I know I could never do enough work on myself to heal the hurts I've suffered in this lifetime. I don't have that kind of power. So I'm grateful to have a Savior who does have that kind of power, and I'm grateful for the gift of being able to call on His name.

February 25

Adam is in Costa Rica this week, Isaac didn't have work, and Brady's practice got out quite late this evening, so rather than raiding the pantry or the freezer, I opted to take the boys to Black Bear for dinner.

I'm not entirely sure what inspired the barrage of quick witticisms that both of them dreamed up, but they had me walking the line between just smiling and laughing aloud from the time we left the house until we returned.

There were Brady's animated reactions to eating the butter patties that came with Isaac's pancakes and Isaac's humorous attempts at finishing the day's Connections puzzle. And then Isaac shared his plan to marry a woman with the last name Black so he could name his children after colors. (He was particularly fond of the name Grey Black-Wight.)

I guess I'd say they were in rare form. And I'm so glad that they were, because those moments are some of the best parts of being a parent. So for an unexpectedly fun and entertaining evening with my two favorite high schoolers, I am grateful.

February 24

There was a high school baseball fundraiser at a local eatery this evening. I wasn't initially thrilled about going (mostly because I was wide awake at 4:30 this morning and spent much of the afternoon alternating between tired and dozing off). But I'm glad that I did.

(I didn't think to take a photo while I was there so here's one I took of Brady and Jackson at school pick-up. I figure it works because they both play baseball.)

Anyway, I'm glad that I went because it gave me the opportunity to connect with folks that I've known for a while now and like. Better still, I realized --as I was sitting there sipping the half-glass of wine that Shannon graciously shared and listening to the buzz of conversation all around-- that I felt very comfortable. I felt like I belonged right where I was. And given how that feeling has been either absent or fleeting for me throughout much of my lifetime, it was a blessing to feel that sense of community.

February 23

It was my turn to lead Bible study this morning. I think I did a serviceable job (and the ladies in the group were more than gracious in response to my effort), but what was most notable to me from the experience was the closing prayer.

Rather than having just one person take care of it as is our usual custom, we went around the circle and took turns praying for one another's expressed needs.

And I thought it was beautiful. In fact, I could actually feel the Holy Spirit bubbling up in my chest, which isn't exactly a routine experience for me. I almost asked if anyone else could feel it when we were leaving, but opted to keep it to myself.

So for those gifts --of being able to lift one another up and of feeling connected to God in such a tangible way-- I am thankful.

February 22

The little pond in our backyard has been empty --as in bone-dry-- for months now. There were issues with the pipes that need to be addressed, so we simply turned it off and the water evaporated.

And then last week, the rains came. It poured for several days running, and when I ventured into the yard this afternoon, I found that those bountiful rains had fully filled that little pond.

I know that in my lifetime, I've had seasons that have felt very spiritually dry; almost desert-like, in fact. Barren and fruitless. So it's a blessing to remember that even the driest of land can be reinvigorated and restored to a life-giving state. For me, I know that if my heart is open to Jesus, He will enter and provide the spiritual refreshment that I need, just like the rainwater that filled our pond.

February 21

Brady donned a high school baseball uniform for the first time today. It was just a nine-inning (thankfully, home) scrimmage against Burlingame. But it was still rather surreal to see my baby wearing those duds and settling into his brand new number (15). It still seems insane that he's already in high school. I know Adam feels the same way, because as the scrimmage began, he sat back in his seat and mused "wow, it's been three years since we've watched games at this field." (Which is true, because JV and Varsity have dibs on the better field that's around the corner.)

Anyway, there are 20 kids on the freshman roster this season (which is a lot compared to Isaac's previous high school seasons) so there were a lot of kids coming in and out of the game, but overall, it was a good one for Brady. Each pitcher threw a single inning, and Brady was the first one up. He gave up one unearned run and had a strikeout (or two... I'm not positive because it was the beginning of a three-plus hour long nine inning game), so I think he was satisfied. Defensively, he spent time in center field and at first base. At the plate, he went two for two with a walk.

It was really fun to watch them play and to listen to them cheer for each other from the dugout. There's an energy and excitement there that I just don't experience anywhere else. The 18-2 final score suggests they could be a solid team, but of course only time will reveal if that's the case or not. 

Anyway, today I'm grateful for the gift that is watching my kiddos as they engage in activities they enjoy.

February 20

Adam and I had our Valentine's Day dinner at Haps this evening.

We stopped trying to go out on February 14 a number of years ago; the last attempt at doing so featured us seated at a too-small table, surrounded by other couples seated at table were also too small and far too close together. Given that neither of us love small spaces or crowds, it seemed a no-brainer to pick a different date.

So that's what we started doing. And today was the day. And I am grateful to God for the time with my hunny spent enjoying excellent food and conversation (even if I was too stuffed to have a chocolate creme brulee).