August 31

The sunset sky this evening was stunning. Since Isaac was feeling a bit under the weather, my walk was a solo exercise, and I couldn't help but stare up at multi-hued clouds as I strolled along.

After the brilliant oranges and yellows gave way to the muted pinks and greys and instilled the skies with the quiet of coming nightfall, I remembered an important lesson. Clouds may seem largely colorless and even ugly during the daylight hours, but they're also the things that make the sunsets truly beautiful. The same can, of course, be said about the troubles of life. They're ugly stumbling blocks as we suffer through them, but inevitably, they wind up being part of a gorgeous bigger picture.

To borrow a concept from an old tune, if you ever wanna see a really spectacular sunset, you have to put up with a lot of clouds.

August 30

I had an interesting interaction with a stranger this morning.

I took Brady to the mall so we could buy some hand soap. He'd been very patient while I waited to have some blood drawn this morning, so before heading to Bath and Body Works to indulge my fall-scentaholism, I treated him to a hash brown and orange juice at McDonalds. As we sat at our table, I noticed an older man sipping a cup of coffee and watching us. A minute later, he approached, and politely asked if I was baby-sitting. I thought it was an odd thing to say, but responded no, he's mine. The man nodded, then asked if he could ask me a question. Feeling just slightly creeped out, I said okay, and he asked he to name the best teacher I ever had.

Random!

I had no idea where he was going with it, but I thought for a moment before picking one of my favorite elementary school teachers. The man smiled and nodded. Then he gestured toward Brady, and said that guy right there is the best teacher you'll ever have in life.

And you know something? Right then and there, I realized how right he was. I longed to go back and change my answer to the question, because looking at it from his broader perspective, I just knew that I should've said Logan. He taught me grace under pressure, patience, acceptance, wisdom... so many things. Of course, my other kids are great teachers, too. And I'm sure they will continue to be in the years to come.

What a blessing it was that someone I didn't even know felt compelled to give me such a salient reminder of what is true and real.

August 29

I know, I know: Me and my Corvettes! But there's a good story behind this one.

After dropping Abby off at school this morning, Adam and I headed to CHO with the Little Boys in tow because Isaac had a date to have ear tubes inserted and his adenoids removed.

I felt that same old sense of bittersweet nostalgia as we entered the parking garage, took the elevator down to the ground level and made our way to the outpatient waiting area. After Isaac went into surgery, I took a little stroll down to the second floor to visit Philippa, the neuro oncology nurse coordinator. She was a significant person in our lives after Logan came home following treatment. I probably talked to her at least five times a week, and she was my go-to person for any questions or concerns. But perhaps best of all, she always used the term 'my friend' when referring to me. When you're feeling alone, floating in a sea of uncertainty, that kind of sentiment is more valuable than gold. Anyway, though she attended Logan's memorial service, she didn't stick around to talk to us, so I'd always felt a distinct lack of closure there. It was such a blessing to stand and talk for a few minutes, and to once again say thank you. And to assure her that deep down, I knew that she'd done everything she could for Logan.

After Isaac came out of surgery and came to, I helped him get dressed, and the recovery room nurse wheeled over the cart of toys. Isaac quickly honed in on a magnetic dart board, and Brady asked if he too could pick something to take home. Wanting to leave the bigger toys for actual patients, I noticed a couple of loose Hot Wheels cars on the top rack, and snagged one to have a look-see. I was stunned to find that I'd chosen a Batman-themed Corvette.

Logan, of course, loved Corvettes. But what you may not realize is that Isaac loves super heroes. So seeing Brady wind up with that car... it felt almost like Logan was telling us he was there and joining with Isaac to give their little brother a special collective hug.

The whole thing felt pretty winkish to me.

August 28

There's a Jason Aldean song called Tattoos on this Town that likes to run through my head now and again. (It runs on a very tiny treadmill.) In a very small nutshell, it's about making the proverbial mark on your hometown.

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to that song, because it's not like I have tight ties to any particular town. I moved several times as a child, and though I always lived in the same general vicinity, I wasn't one of those folks who spent 18 cozy years on the same street with the same neighbors. I wish that was my reality, because it feels like that kind of life would be such a safe, comfortable, reliable, stable blessing.

But just because it wasn't my reality doesn't mean it won't happen for my kids.

With allllll of that said (and you get a cookie if you're still with me), I'll get to the point of this entry and address the very odd photo over there to the left. The Little Boys made a literal mark on our town a few days ago. For some reason --and I will never figure out the logic behind this move-- the city decided that Monday, the first day of school, would be the perfect day to lay fresh cement on a joint along the sidewalk that runs next to the local playground. Before I knew what had happened, Brady stepped right in the not-yet-fully-set cement, leaving a sandal print behind. Then a moment later, before I could stop him, the heel of Isaac's shoe made an impression of its own.

After getting over the mortification that accompanies watching your kids deface public property, we went home. And I forgot about it. But then this morning, as I passed the spot and saw the faint but now permanent foot and heel prints, I stopped and took a photo.

Because it's a huge blessing that though I wasn't able to make much of a mark of my own as a child, my kiddos can leave their tattoos on this town.

August 27

There's something about the morning walk to school that's so... calming, I guess.

No bickering, no fighting, no jockeying for position and no unpleasantness. Just the promise of a crispy new sun and potential-filled day ahead of us.

So although this morning may have started out a little rougher than I might've liked --ahem-- our little stroll helped me to re-center my thoughts.

And I most definitely thank God for that.

August 26

This image is hilarious to me.

While we were out to dinner tonight celebrating a successful first day of school for Abby and Isaac, Call Me Maybe started playing in the restaurant. Right after the song became popular, Abby admitted to liking it, and I tease her about it by singing along in very animated fashion every time we hear it. So of course, I kept our little tradition alive this evening. I don't know if it amuses or embarrasses her more.

Anyway, when we got home, she and I turned on Jeopardy while Adam gave the Little Boys a bath. And no lie: this was the board for the first round.

I started laughing. Abby read the column titles in disbelief. It was a fun moment.

And it reminded me that the silly moments in life can be worth an awful lot.

August 25

Today marked the final day of summer vacation. It's bittersweet to know that Abby and Isaac will be headed off to school in the morning. For the most part, I've treasured having them home with me 24/7. I'm not one of those moms who counts down the days til she can pass her kids off to a teacher. You can't lose a child and be that way. But at the same time, I know it's good for them to learn new things and make new friends. So off to class they'll go.

But not without one more late-summer evening walk. With Otter Pops in hand, we headed out for our customary stroll. It was beautiful and temperate outside, and the quiet time with my fam was just what I needed to get ready for tomorrow's festivities, as we watch our sweet girl move on to fourth grade and Isaac make his mark during day one of kindergarten.

I know it'll be a day of mixed emotions; the first day of school is always a challenge for me, as I look at the kids who are Logan's age and wonder for the upteenth time why our efforts weren't good enough to secure him a second chance at this life. But all of that's neither here nor there, because we're blessed to have children here with us, and blessed to be able to send them to school where they'll grow and learn and develop and influence others.

And that has to be enough.

August 24

A few weeks ago, we were invited to attend an art day in honor of Logan at a building near CHO. After hemming and hawing for several days, we finally decided to go, so that's where we spent the early part of our afternoon today. When we arrived, it was just us, a few social workers --who we know from Logan's days as an inpatient-- and the guy who runs the program. We picked out our ceramic pieces and paints and got to work.

There was something soothing about sitting in that quiet room with my family, painting our pieces --an owl for Abby, a lighthouse for Adam, dogs for Brady and Isaac and a circular box for me-- and just being together; letting our individual personalities and preferences and creativity shine through our work. I relished seeing Brady's great gusto and concentration, Isaac's exuberance and Abby's attention to color and detail.

I'd trade just about anything to have Logan back here physically, but I'm glad we had a chance to focus on him in a positive way as a family today.

August 23

There's something utterly endearing about watching a very small person carrying a very large object.

The little guy lugging the giant panda is Brady. For whatever reason, he decided that the enormous panda needed to make the pilgrimage from his bedroom to the family room this morning. He heaved and grunted his way down the stairs, through the dining room, and over to the couch.

The surprising thing? Though he asked me to carry his beloved Bear Bear --who is tiny by comparison-- he insisted on carrying the panda all by himself.

I loved his dedication. (And how adorable he looked as he worked.) The whole scene reminded me of how life should be approached: with tenacity, dedication and a whole lot of strength. And thank God He's around to give us plenty of all of those things.

August 22

I needed to use up some rapidly aging bananas and tomatoes today, so I did a little baking. I was short a few things necessary to make the muffins and bread happen, so the kids and I headed off to the grocery store.

After we finished picking up our supplies, we headed back to the car. Brady stood by the open door, staring up at the sky. A minute passed, and when I pressed him to get in, he pointed up and said I'm watching the plane, mommy.

He insisted on waiting until it was out of his line of sight, and I let him, because I was transfixed by such a display of simple wonder.

To me, it was just an airplane. But to him, it was something amazing. That brief exchange reminded me that even the most mundane events in life are still, in one way or another, fascinating and interesting and worth appreciation.

August 21

This afternoon, the kiddos and I enjoyed a play date with some of the children in Brady's preschool class. After everyone else had left, only my friend Jamie and I and our respective broods remained.

I first met Jamie when her first-born, Reece, and Abby were in the same pre-K class back in 2008. Though we've been in and out of contact since then, I'm so glad that I can call her my good friend. She's honest and isn't afraid to be vulnerable. She's also an amazing encourager, and she's definitely someone who God uses to show me that He cares.

I'm glad she's part of my life and that we can watch our kids be crazy together.

August 20

This is Aaron Turner.

He's a contestant on the current season of So You Think You Can Dance. I first decided I liked him because like me, he's a tapper. But after watching his segment during tonight's episode, I discovered something else about him that made me gasp.

He shared that his best friend, who he called his inspiration, passed away while the two were in high school. Now, whenever he finishes a dance, he kisses his fingers, raises them, and looks skyward. A beautiful gesture indeed.

The thing that got me? I do almost exactly the same thing. After I finish a dance, I fold my hand into the I love you sign, kiss it, raise it and look up. For Logan. I'd never before noticed anyone else doing something like that, so it struck me right smack in the middle of the heart.

I hope he wins, both for himself and for his best friend. And maybe a little for a kid in Heaven he never knew whose mom blows him kisses when she dances, too.

August 19

I headed off to the mall this evening to secure a shirt that would adequately suit my little prepster's kindergarten photo needs tomorrow morning. Before I headed inside, I thought hmm, I haven't noticed the sky much lately, have I? and snapped its picture.

After purchasing an embarrassing number of appropriately preppy shirts (and I won't reveal the number; just suffice it to say that I went just the tiniest bit overboard at Gymboree, Osh Kosh and The Children's Place), I headed outside to my car. By then the sky had darkened considerably (because you know, it takes a long time to buy that many shirts). I did a double take when a bolt of lightning flashed in the distance. (Which is counterproductive, since lightning bolts are over within an instant. But luckily for me, I saw another one about 30 seconds later.) And I thought wow, that's incredible power.

And that's what God is: Incredible power. And lightning is an incredible illustration of that power on earth.

August 18

Tonight, Adam and I went out for our anniversary dinner.

Previous years saw us dressing up and heading out to nice places with actual table linens and gourmet desserts.

But not this time. This year, we went casual. I wore denim shorts and he donned an oft-worn Hawaiian shirt as we hit up a local eatery for some Italian fare.

It was, at its core, a comfortable evening with my very best friend. No pretension, no trying to impress each other. Just being the people we are.

And that kind of comfort is one of the biggest blessings of them all, if you ask me, because I often get the feeling that God wants our relationships with Him to be marked by equal senses of familiarity and closeness.

And it's the neatest thing to see that wee reflection of Heaven here on earth.

August 17

Today marked our 11th wedding anniversary. When I got up this morning, I immediately started looking for winks related to our marriage. And I had a few earlier in the day. In fact, by mid-afternoon, I had an image all picked out. And then I had a moment this evening that completely changed things up.

I. Adore. This. Photo.

I took it as we neared the end of our evening walk. It was one of those moments when the stars all aligned perfectly and they all looked at the camera at the same time. And as proof that God was surely orchestrating the moment, they all actually smiled.

I mulled it as we walked the rest of the way home, and easily concluded that the three of them are three of the four best things that have come out of our marriage.

So even though Adam and I don't appear in the image, and our pictures never feel truly complete without Logan's grinning face, it makes good sense to use it on this special day.

August 16

I won't bore you (or gross you out... believe me, you don't want to know) with the finer points of my day. Instead, I'll share a moment that made me laugh out loud, because I think God speaks to me in those moments, if only to say Ha! See, I'm funny!

I left the family room for a few minutes this afternoon, and when I came back, I found Brady watching TV like this:

I have no idea how he wound up in this position. It's almost like he was climbing over the back of the couch, decided it was too much work, and just quit right then and there. He did, of course, eventually move, but he laid like this for a good long while, sucking on that pacifier, watching PBS Kids.

Now that I think more on it, I have another observation about this image. It reminds me that even in the midst of difficult times --like the rigorous activity of couch-climbing-- it's okay --and even helpful-- to take little breaks. And that's a good thing!

August 15

Today marked another anniversary that I'd like to forget. Three years ago today, Logan's eye turned inward during dinner. And life was never, ever the same again.

Because of that, I decided that today needed to dffer from the norm. So instead of cooking like we did that night, we got Chinese take-out. Instead of eating at the table like we did that night, we ate in front of the TV.

And then this evening, I went to a friend's softball game, and afterward we took a long walk along this path.

It was a gorgeous evening, neither hot nor cold, and it was wonderful to have a leisurely walk with an old friend, talking about whatever came to mind -- the past, the present. The potential for the future.

I can't really put my finger on why, but the whole experience felt like a big blessing, even though there was nothing particularly special about it.

I treasure those mundane good times. And I hope I always will remember to do so.

August 14

When I came into our family room this morning, I found Brady engrossed in the original Cars movie.

Although it's not unusual for Lightning McQueen, Mater and the Radiator Springs' gang to make an appearance in our home, the morning's showing was puzzling because Adam had left hours earlier and I hadn't put it on for him.

Because I'm not a complete idiot, I quickly solved the mystery when I realized he was watching the Disney Channel, and the broadcast was live.

What's my point? Given Logan's love of those characters, it's always a blessing when they pop up out of nowhere to say hi.

August 13

Here's a weird one for y'all. When we got home from the store this evening, I saw these on the stove top:

Bananas. They look a little brown and definitely more than a little yucky blucky, but the great thing about these bananas is that even though they look a bit ugly on the outside, they're still tasty on the inside. I know, because both Isaac and Brady each ate one today, and trust me: if they weren't still yummy, they would've been summarily rejected.

It's been a common theme of mine during this little project of mine, but it's an important truth that good things sometimes come from less than ideal sources.

Another bonus? Even if they enter a super mushy phase, they'll still be yummy... as banana bread. :)

August 12

I had a thought this morning as I sat in the Target cafe nursing a caramel ribbon crunch frappuccino (which, incidentally, was pretty darn tasty). It's a tired old thought, but it bears repetition: life is, in a lot of ways, all about perspective. (And this just happened to be my 'perspective' at the time.)

How we choose to view our circumstances can shape how we think and feel and behave. If we view a situation from its upside, it will look appealing. If we view it from its downside, it can, of course, look less attractive. (Like I can guarantee you that this view of my cup was way prettier than the view I'd have had if I'd turned the cup upside down.)

Since I'm sort of rambling here and in serious danger of never making a point, I guess I'll tie up the message by saying that I'm grateful for reminders to have perspective and to look for the upsides in all of my circumstances.

(And God, who knows how much I like a sweet treat now and then, was most definitely in my frappuccino.)

August 11

Today marked exactly 18 months since Logan went Home. I hoped for some sort of pointed, salient moment that would force me to feel his presence... but it didn't happen. But this did happen:

We were --where else?-- on our evening walk when we came upon a set of active sprinklers.

The kiddos were, of course, delighted. Instead of reigning them in, we let them get wet. Isaac, being the funny dude he is, immediately reared up to one of the jets and soaked his bottom. Brady giggled furiously. And Abby shrieked in delight as the tiny jets of water sprayed her face. And though he wasn't physically there, I knew it was precisely the kind of scene Logan would love. And in my mind's eye, I could see him playing along, soaking his own bottom, giggling in his infectious way and shrieking along with his big sister and very best friend.

And for that little late-day glimpse of Heaven, I'm grateful.

August 10

I think every now and then, every person on this planet needs a reminder that she or she is loved.

I found this cute leaf as we took our evening walk today; a perfect little heart and its perfect little heart shadow. It was laying all alone in the middle of the sidewalk, just waiting for someone to come along and admire it.

And of course, to feel the love. Simple, sweet and to the point.

August 9

Our 11th wedding anniversary is next weekend. Since they'll be out of town then, Adam's parents offered to take the kids tonight so we could have an extended date night -- in our case, dinner and a movie instead of just dinner.

We went where we often go --The Cheesecake Factory-- and then headed over to the theater in Dublin where we took in The Heat.

Honestly, I spend a lot of time feeling a lot older than 35. But when I walked into that theater this evening with just Adam and a whole free night ahead, I suddenly felt 15 years younger, like we were back in college at Ontario Mills heading to the 10 PM showing of Good Will Hunting or As Good As It Gets.

I love my kids --all of them-- and I am very blessed by many aspects of my adult life. But this one time, it was a blessing to feel young and carefree again.

August 8

While I was cleaning up this evening, I found this on the kids' table:

Yes, VeggieTales fans, that is indeed the Larry Mobile. But that is most definitely not Larry the cucumber behind the wheel. Nope. It's a Piston cup race car. And it's not much of a stretch to think that Brady, my little car fanatic, arranged the scene.

It's just a little thing, but I was completely amused by the sight of a car driving another car. It's nothing more than a fun, whimsical thing, but those itty bitty inconsequential things are often what keep me (at least partially) sane. And of course God knows that, because He knows what will make me smile.

August 7

As I was driving this morning, I heard a familiar Rascal Flatts song on the radio. Boiled down to its simplest syrup, Stand is about weathering the bigger storms of life. Needless to say, I relate to the words. A lot.

I absotively, posolutely know what it's like to feel like a candle in a hurricane. A candle in a two-year hurricane, in fact. I know what it feels like to be pushed past what I feel like I can take.

But I also know what it feels like to stand.

And thank you God for helping me to stand not just once, but over and over and over again throughout the course of my life on this earth.

August 6

I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and as I sat at a red light, I grabbed my phone and, on an impulse, snapped a picture of the kiddos in the back seat of the car.

It's a rather mundane scene that I see almost every day, but that doesn't make it unimportant. Like I've said before, it's the little dull moments that make up most of our lives. AND many of our blessings, too.

August 5

We planted a pear tree last fall. Today, after watching the fruit progress from nothingness to buds to flowers to itty bitty pears to full-sized pears, I finally plucked one from a branch after finishing my dinner out on the patio.

Each kid begged for a slice, so I took it into the kitchen and divided it into pieces so we could share.

I've always liked pears, but I tell the truth when I say that this was the most delicious pear I've ever eaten. It was a bit crunchy for my taste, but the flavor was so perfectly sweet and wonderful that I honestly can't wait to have another one. And the kids and Adam loved it, too. They were bummed out when we'd finished the whole thing and I didn't have more to dole out.

The experience reminded me that sometimes, we have to wait to enjoy good things; they have to have a chance to grow and mature first. And God totally, absolutely works that way.

August 4

This was one of those days; the kind that delivered up so many little signs and reminders of God's presence that I struggled to isolate just one moment.

So I didn't. Behold the quadrangle!

First up was my tomato harvest. After plucking a few fruits here and there from my monstrously huge volunteer plant over the past few days, I finally decided to do a serious harvest this afternoon. The final product was a lovely plastic container filled with some of the sweetest, biggest cherry tomatoes I've ever grown. But I can't really take credit for growing these; after all, I practically ignored the plant for a long time, and it decided it was going to survive. It reminded me once again of how God produces fruit --and a lot of it-- despite suboptimal conditions. And the bonus? I get to enjoy it!

Item number two: We went to water the plants on Logan's grave this afternoon, and I was struck by the beauty and unexpected color variety of some of the blooms. I was surprised to find both pink and purple flowers on the same plants, and something about it just made me happy.

Item number three: Our friend Jen and her family are moving to Texas this coming week. It was something of a sudden decision, and it rocked my world a little. Though she's an on-the-go chick and I almost never saw her, she was around when it mattered: the morning that I went into labor with Brady, the night that my purse was stolen in Emeryville and I needed someone to watch the kids so I could go file a police report. I didn't see her often, but somehow I knew she'd be there if we really needed help. I'll miss her, but I'm thankful to know her.

Finally, the dog. Yes, that is indeed a dog. I'm not sure of the precise breed, but I'm pretty sure it's at least part golden retriever. Shortly after Logan passed away, I remember telling our pastor that I needed a sign. Fumbling for the words, for something, I said I needed a golden retriever to run up to me so I'd know Logan was ok. It had to be a golden because we always called Logan our golden retriever, both because of his reddish hair, and because of his enthusiasm and zest for living his life. I've spent the last year and a half waiting for that dog to come to me. And then today, when I wasn't really thinking about it, it did. It didn't run; it sort of wandered. And it parked itself at my feet. It probably would've licked me, but well, I'm not big on drooly doggie tongues. But it was enough seeing it there at my feet. And I felt a little jolt of glee knowing that at long last, I was having my moment. It wasn't exactly as I'd imagined it, but it was what I'd asked for. And that's good enough.

August 3

We had lunch with an old friend of ours today.

I met Kristine the first week of college. At the time, she had a very gothic look and attitude, and she intimidated the heck out of me. Fortunately, it didn't take long for me to see the real Kristine underneath, and she quickly became one of my best friends. We traveled through England together, lived together for a semester, and she was one of my bridesmaids.

I don't see her often these days, but I'm so thankful for her continued friendship, and for how she unwittingly reminds me of God's goodness by simply existing and being a reliable, honest, kind person in our life.

August 2

This evening started out as family movie night, as many Fridays at our house do. Although he laughed and snorted along with The Smurfs' antics in the Big Apple, Brady eventually decided he wanted to go outside. I watched him through the screen door as he played first with a bubble blower, and then as he called for Adam to join him outside so they could play catch. He obliged, and Isaac followed suit. Then shortly thereafter, when the movie was over, Abby and I made our way outside as well.

As I stood and watched Isaac perfect his football skills and tossed around a mini basketball with Brady, I thought about God's role in all of it. In the blessing of playing ball with my kids. In the loveliness of our back yard. In the cool weather. In the reminder that changes in plans --moving from the planned movie night to the time spent outside-- can be unexpected blessings, as long as we're willing to roll with them.

And yay -- it's the weekend, too.

August 1

Today, Brady helped me make Rice Krispies treats. I'm no stranger to creating confections in the kitchen, but I think this is the first time I'd ever made those ewey, gooey squares of yumminess. (Seriously!) Just to be different (and because I may possibly have gone overboard buying them on clearance at Target a few weeks ago -- but they were only 17 cents a bag!) we used strawberry marshmallows, hence the pinkness that your eyes may detect:

It was fun to stand at the stove with my muffin perched next to me on the kids' little white stool. He was, as most two year-olds are, eager to help, so I let him unwrap the butter and put it in the pan. And I also let him drop in a few marshmallows and stir the pot as they melted.

I value those simple, everyday bonding moments, though I don't notice them nearly as often as I should. So today, I'm grateful that I remembered to notice. (And I'm also grateful for the deliciousness of those treats!)