For the record, Abby wasn't really mad at Adam; she was just being an almost-teenager, and Adam was taking advantage of a golden opportunity to simultaneously tease her and snag a cuddle.
I love moments like this one. They're part of what makes being a parent really fun.
I was nervous going in, of course, because as a friend recently noted, no one likes the unknown. But I didn't really expect the onslaught of emotion that hit me after I settled into the hospital bed. The beeping, the sounds of machines taking blood pressure, the sight of the IV in my hand and the cool swish of fluid in my vein, the smell: all of it took me back to our days with Logan in the hospital. And it was too much. I had to swallow a rush of tears as one of the nurses prepped me and when she asked if I was scared, I croaked out the truth: my son died in a hospital so being in a hospital is just... hard.
Long tale shorter, the procedure went fine. I still don't really know why I'm having the issues I'm having, but the doctor is confident that nothing nefarious is going on. So today, I'm thankful that I got to leave a hospital setting with decent news in my pocket. And though it hurt --and I'm tearing up all over again just thinking about it-- to remember, it was a good pain because it made my Sunshine feel a little closer than usual.
My friend Nikki delivered her this morning. I waited until she gave me the all-clear, and went over to visit as soon as I could after I'd picked up the kiddos from school and settled them at home.
There's just so much promise that comes with a new baby; so many unknowns and such excitement. As I sat there holding her, I remembered my own deliveries at the very same hospital and was surprised by how vibrant and real the memories felt. More than once, I had to choke back emotion.
This life is a blessing. I know we all get frustrated, but wow. We've all been given such an enormous gift. It's a gift to just be.
Given the high temps and my totally non-abnormal exercise routine of late, I have no idea why, but just about everything hurt when I got out of bed this morning. I creaked along for as long as I could, but by the time I came home at lunchtime, I was done: I pulled out the heating pad and curled up on the couch until it was time to pick up Brady.
I could just feel sorry for myself because it's easy to do that. But instead, I'll say that today, I'm just thankful that someone invented this particular piece of helpful technology.
Of course, it's a photo of Isaac and my cutie nephew AJ, but it's also a picture of a single slice of cake. In the moment that it came into view, I thought "that's Logan's piece." And I think, in whatever way it's possible, it was indeed his piece.
The truth that he continues to be remembered and celebrated is a major gift to me.
The Little Boys love it when Abby pays attention to them, so when she offers to instruct them in anything, they jump in with both feet. And watching that enthusiasm --and that harmoniousness-- does great things to my heart and soul.
Of course, I felt him in my womb well before I had the chance to hold him. But there's something about knowing that we've reached this point in time that... I guess I can't really explain it. It's strange to think that someone who walked this earth for 2,022 short days managed to captivate my heart the way he did. And it's strange to think that another 2,022 days have already passed by, and the wound of losing him is still so incredibly fresh.
I may still be broken in ways and I will be as long as I'm here, but I'm thankful to have family and friends I can lean on, especially when life feels heavy.
This lovely lady and I had lunch today, and it was such a blessing to sit and talk with her. We're both going through our own struggles and challenges right now, but it's really true that sharing a burden can lighten it. And for that, I'm thankful, even on a day that might otherwise break my heart all over again.
I've also enjoyed the reminder that it's important to take the time to stop and smell the roses. I've quite literally done that more than once, and each time, it's made me smile.
It's just bright, late evening sunlight peeking through some trees, but in that moment, all felt right with my soul. And given that I've been a bit stressed of late, it was a very good thing.
So in celebration of that simplicity, here's a pic of Brady and his buddy Austin from the ice cream social at school this evening. Just a couple of first graders cheesing for the camera while eating ice cream.
Ah, the sweetness of youth. A blessing indeed, both to see my kids enjoying it and to remember my own days-gone-by. (Kisses to you, Gretchen! This could've been us way back in first grade. :))
It was interesting to watch how the little circles gradually became little crescents as the moon traveled further into the sun's path. And the photos I saw after the fact were quite lovely. It was definitely a beautiful gift from God, but I wonder: how many people recognized it as just that and took a moment to thank Him for it? Did you? Just a little something to chew on.
We wanted our kids to be close in age, and they are: there are 20 months between Abby and Logan, 22 1/2 between Logan and Isaac, and 2 1/2 years between Isaac and Brady. Of course, there are no guarantees that siblings will be good friends, so I feel blessed that Isaac and Brady share that gift, and that Abby and Logan were so close, too. I'm sure it's painful for her that he's not here and I know that she pushes people away (whether she knows it or not, I'm not sure) because she's reserving that spot in her heart just for him, but I'm thankful that he was here. And I know she is, too.
As someone who's never managed to do the whole best friend thing very well, it's nice to see my kids filling that role for one another.
After a few minutes, I decided I needed a pic, so I leaned over, grabbed my phone (which was sitting on the coffee table), and snapped a few.
As I've noted repeatedly in the past, most of life is comprised of regular old moments, so that's just what this is: a regular old moment with my baby.
At some point --I think it was in the middle of "Breakaway"-- Abby picked up her phone and pecked away at the keyboard. A moment later, she flipped it around and began waving it in the air. Adam followed suit, and a few moments later, both were passionately waving their "flames" to the beat.
It didn't end there: Abby searched again and came up a selection of gifs to go along with the songs that followed, and some of them left Adam in stitches.
It's not uncommon for people to look at Abby and say 'wow, she looks like you!' or 'she's totally your mini me'. Those observations are more or less on the money, too. But she's actually quite a lot like Adam, too. They share a very similar sense of humor and a virtually identical way of dealing with social situations. It's a blessing to see them together, making each other laugh, because I think that's the way it's supposed to be for fathers and daughters.
That was, of course, only part of the celebration: we also went to dinner afterward at Haps, which is a nice local restaurant. I had some perfectly cooked prime rib and some great conversation with my hunny.
It would be easy to conclude with a pat "it was a good day" and I started to do just that, but I want to add something else. For numerous reasons, I don't easily accept love from other people. And I definitely don't let many people get particularly close -- and definitely not close enough to hurt me. But despite those truths, my hunny has stuck with me, enriched my life, and loved me --through all of our trials and challenges and heartbreak-- for nearly 20 years. And for that blessing --that incredible, amazing blessing-- I'm deeply thankful.
Tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary. We were much younger --the ripe old age of 24, in fact-- and much more naive back then on that hot August day, but somehow, we managed to make the best joint decision of our lives anyway. (I think God had quite a lot to do with that.)
It hasn't been the easiest ride of all; goodness knows we've walked through some deep, dark valleys. But our union has been punctuated by sweet moments, too. It's hard to say that I'm truly thankful for the heartbreaking moments, but I'm definitely thankful that we've been able to experience them together.
Just like we danced (and danced and danced --seriously, people still tell me how epic it was) at our wedding 15 years ago tomorrow, I hope we'll continue to dance in the years to come.
It's an About Me sheet done in Instagram style. (Hashtags and all that techno-jazz that's been shoved down our throats in recent years. But I digress.) I'm guessing it's supposed to help the teacher to learn a little about each kid and what he or she likes, hopes for, etc.. A nice concept.
Anyway, as I looked at Abby's, I couldn't help but smile. The way she tackled the challenge of illustrating her favorites --book, movie, career aspiration-- shows her creativity. And the fact that she has such a strong sense of self and who she is means quite a lot to me. I say it about all of my kids quite often, but she's truly a blessing.
They just keep growing and growing and growing. When I look at them, I feel a mix of pride and awe: it's amazing to see just how much they've all changed over the years -- and how they've all stayed the same, too.
There are challenges and frustrations and disappointments mixed in with the good, of course, but parenthood is a blessing above all else.
But that's tomorrow and I don't want to get ahead of myself with the whole waxing poetic thing. Today, Abby went shopping with two of her friends. At the mall. By themselves.
It's really not as scary as it sounds because Maddie is actually in college and is one of our old baby-sitters. But it was still a big deal to me because it was the first time Abby's gone out alone with friends. In the past, there's always been a seasoned adult (read: parent) along for the ride.
I kind of knew it was time to give her some freedom, so when Maddie enthusiastically asked if she'd like to go shopping, I knew "yes" was the right answer, even if the idea made my heart lurch a little in my chest.
She's growing up, that girl of mine. And though it's a good thing --I'm more keenly aware than most of just what kind of a blessing it is since loss like mine puts reality into sharper focus, in a way-- it's also a bittersweet one. But I'm thankful nonetheless.
From there, we left the party early to head to the A's/O's game in Oakland. It would've been awesome to stay longer and catch up with relatives we see so rarely, but Adam bought the game tickets a week before the party invites went out, and there was no way I was going to miss out on the chance to see my Orioles in action live. They surprised me by putting a W on the board, which was both unexpected --since I can count the number of times I've seen them win live over the last 17 years on one hand-- and gratifying. (A's mega-fan Isaac was not amused when the Orioles scored seven runs in the top of the first and knocked out the A's starter after 1/3 inning. That probably explains his expression.) After the game, we stuck around for the fireworks show, which was set to a selection of popular recent Disney tracks. (Think "Moana" and "Frozen." And even "Cars 3." When they played Ride --which is from "Cars 3" and is quite obscure, if you ask me, compared to How Far I'll Go and Let It Go-- it was almost like Logan was right there with us.)
So yes. It was a good day, and I'm just thankful, even though I can't really settle down and know I'll be tired tomorrow!
But then Adam got home from work (late, because of course the train had mechanical issues and ran 90 minutes behind schedule), we had dinner, and this happened on the couch next to me:
I had a stomachache, so I'd sprawled out on my favorite cushion and crammed in my earbuds to try to minimize noise. Then a minute later, Adam came into the room cradling Abby in his arms. I couldn't really hear him --the earbuds are the lovely noise-canceling kind-- so I popped one out to have a listen. He was patting her head and talking to her like he did when she was a little one, but was doing it in this totally amusing voice. She tried to pretend she was annoyed, but could hardly keep from laughing. The little scene persisted for just a few minutes before she escaped and ran off, but the memory stayed with me.
And I'm still half-smiling over it now.
We tend to watch old home videos on the kids' birthdays, so last week we watched quite a few. (And let me tell you: it was quite tiring just remembering whey they were like when all four of them were really little. Whew! I'm glad I was a relatively young mom-of-toddlers and preschoolers because I'm not sure I could handle it now. But as usual, I digress.) It blew my mind to look at them today --mostly quietly eating their food, talking, and generally getting along-- and realize just how much they've grown over the years. And I thought what I've thought so many times in the past: it is such a huge blessing to be a mom.
Abby was especially pleased to show off her balloon animals; she texted us a photo of them last night and brought one home with her today. Apparently they tried to make balloon flowers, but kept popping them, so they ad-libbed and made animals instead.
Anyway, it was clear that they both had a good time together. We may live a few thousand miles from my family, but it's a blessing that we're close enough to Adam's family that my kiddos can spend time with them every now and then.
Brady was feeling a bit silly at dinner, so I grabbed him and gave him a good tickle, which made me think 'oooh, great selfie moment!' So this photo was born.
I've said it many times over, but regular old moments are big old blessings.
It's from our Spring Break trip to Disneyland. But it made me smile, so of course, I had to use it.
It's a very small thing but sweet --literally and figuratively-- nonetheless.
We, of course, had the same end result both times --a donation to the Tooth Fairy's stash placed under his pillow-- but the events drew vastly different reactions. Watching him happily jet into the kitchen to find a Ziploc baggie for tooth number two this afternoon --just 40 hours or so after I watched him rant and rave and shed big, salty tears over number one-- made me reflect a bit on perspective and change. Change is hard for everyone, I think. We can pretend it's not, but on some level, it's scary or difficult or challenging to step out into the unknown. But once we've taken this first step --that first leap of faith, if you will-- it changes our perspective.
Not even I know what prompted me to connect losing teeth with stepping out in faith (well, that's not true -- I assume it was God since that's pretty random stuff, even for me), so take from it what you will. Just don't be afraid to take a step if you feel like you're being called to do so.
Compared to the gut busters we tackled on Kaua'i, it wasn't much of a challenge, but it was a nice, short-ish trek out in nature. On the way back toward the car, Adam and the Little Boys walked ahead --since my questionable knees slow my downhill stride-- while Abby stayed behind with me. We talked briefly about Logan, and a moment later, a breeze in the otherwise still air rustled the brush behind us. I didn't remark on it aloud, but it made me smile to myself.
A blessed wordless whisper in the wind.
I am, of course, perfectly capable of brewing my own coffee at home, but some mornings during his sabbatical, Adam went out before I got up with the sole purpose of buying me some. It was nice to have a big, hot cup of coffee waiting for me, but it wasn't really about the coffee; it was about him going out of his way to do something for me out of love. He's not even a coffee drinker, in fact, so if not for me, he would never darken Starbucks' door. But he did just that multiple times this summer, and for those gestures of affection, I'm thankful.
Summertime is a huge blessing to all of us: from getting enough sleep (and then some) to pursuing our own interests, it's an extended time of refreshment and renewal that you just can't get while school is in session. So today, I'm thankful for the time we've had together and for the handful of days we have left to enjoy before the kiddos head back to the classroom.
I thought the bits of cloud near the center of the image rather resembled angel wings. It's always nice to think that there are Heavenly angels watching out for us, no?
I bought this ice cream last week; Adam loves cherry cheesecake, so I figured he'd enjoy it. What I'd somehow forgotten was that I liked cheesecake ice cream when I was a kiddo. Anyhow, the second it hit my tongue, the unique flavor immediately transported me back to the kitchen in my grandparents' basement. The memory was just a flash, but it made me smile.
We may live in the present, but those little unexpected glimpses back at pleasant memories from the past are big blessings to me.
