July 31

I'm never really sure what to say on Logan's birthday because words can't fully capture the divergent feelings it stirs up in my heart. The difficult, unchanging year-to-year reality is that he's not here. And that's hard and it sucks and it's unfair and I still don't understand the why of it all. And I accept that I won't understand, at least not on this side of Heaven.

But today --his 15th birthday and the 10th one we've celebrated without him-- was a blessedly gentle one. I'm not sure if it's a matter of the near-decade that separates the then from the now softening the sharper edges or an answer to my fervent prayers that this day not shatter my heart. Maybe it's a little of both. But regardless, it was a breathable day.

We caught some Olympic action and then headed to Outback for lunch, mostly so we could have some of that brown bread he liked so much and partly because we can remember being there with him (and there are fewer and fewer of those places still around). Then we went to his grave and released a single blue balloon before heading home to relax and have a screening of "Cars 2".

In the early evening hours, Adam and I went to Costco to shop and picked up pizza for dinner, which was one of Logan's favorites. And then there was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting --baked by Adam and decorated by Isaac-- for dessert. And then there were the numerous Facebook notes and the perfect card and giant chocolate chip cookie pie from our amazingly sweet and kind friend Nancy and her family. 

So yes. It was a nice day. And although my heart did indeed crack and leak a little love as the hours progressed, that's part of my daily truth, because as the saying goes, the price of love is grief. And without a doubt, I love my Logan, and I could not be more thankful that he was here and that I had him with me for even a short time.

Happy number 15, kiddo. I love you more than you know. 

July 30

I looked out the window this afternoon and spied the kiddos in (or, in Abby's case, next to) the pool and the sight just made my heart happy.

Abby was shooting at Brady with the water gun that's attached to Dewayne the Unicorn while Brady dodged the stream, while Isaac feverishly practiced his butterfly stroke (thank you, Olympics!). 

I love harmonious moments like this when no one is fighting and they're all just coexisting peacefully. They are always, always blessings.

July 29

I have to say that I'm impressed with my lima bean plants.

I had five seeds left from last year, so I planted all five and waited to see what would happen. (Since the seeds were old and all there were definitely no guarantees.)

All five sprouted, and once they were a few inches tall, I transplanted them into this big pot that sits over by the door to our kitchen. 

I took this pic with my hand for perspective because they're very happy lima bean plants. (Not that my hand is huge --it's actually quite fun-sized-- but you can see that the leaves are spilling over the edges of their quite-large pot.) Each of the little flowers can produce a pod, and quite a number of them already have. 

So I guess I have a few morals to this story. For one, never discount the potential value of seeds that seem useless or like they're past their prime because you never know if they'll sprout and take root until you plant them. So go ahead and plant them! For another, always, always hope, because you can't predict the fruit that you'll eventually produce when you try to do good.

July 28

When I headed out early this afternoon for a little solo shopping expedition, Isaac and Brady were watching Olympic badminton and trying to figure out how they could make their own ping pong table.

When I got back, I found that they'd made a cardboard "net" and cardboard paddles (using toilet paper rolls and squares of cardboard) and were engaged in a furious ping pong match on our dining room table. (I'm not sure where they found the ping pong ball but they did so there you go.)

I was agog when I first saw them, and then I laughed to myself and told them to carry on. Their never-ending creativity and innovation makes me smile, and is (almost) always a blessing to me.

July 27

I went to retrieve Isaac from a VBS celebration party this evening and wound up having a lovely chat with Charlie and Tina.

I fully expected to grab my kiddo, express our thanks to the hostess and go, but the impromptu downtime with these two amazing ladies was a good-for-my-spirit surprise.

So this evening, I am thankful for them and for their openness.

July 26

This is a multi-part story so hang in there with me.

Several months ago, I crocheted this shawl. I was convinced at the time that it was supposed to go to someone in particular, but I had no idea who that person was. But I forged ahead and finished it anyway. And then it sat, because I had no idea who was supposed to have it.

Fast forward to this morning. I was lying in the hammock in our yard praying when my friend Gerri came to mind. We met at church a number of years ago and she's always adored our kids, so I prayed that she'd continue recovering from a recent accident she had that a mutual friend had told me about. Then I felt prompted to text her to see if she'd like a visit. And then I felt prompted to give her this shawl. 

So a few hours later, I was sitting on the little couch in her bedroom handing her the shawl. And wouldn't you know that it just happens to be her favorite color.

So what's my point here? I know Gerri appreciated the visit, but I think I was just as blessed by our three-hour chat as she was. And it was all made possible because I felt prompted to make something for someone and then waited for that person's identity to be revealed at the right time. I love it when I can see God's hand moving among us.

July 25

I went to dinner with my friend Sherrie this evening.

It had been some time since we'd gotten together (courtesy of COVID, of course), so it was really nice to sit outside with her downtown while we enjoyed our Strizzis cuisine (including some fruit of the vine and the delectable desserts pictured) and caught up on life.

We've known each other for quite some time now --our now high school senior girls were in dance together back in their cute-little-girl ballet days-- and I'm grateful for her continued friendship, even if we only manage to touch base every now and then.

July 24

I must've been tired because I slept waaaay in this morning. When I got up, I found almost everyone else in the family room watching the Olympics on TV.

And honestly, save a trip to the grocery store for me, a dip in the pool for the males of the house, and dinner time, that's where we spent much of the day.

It's always such a blessing to be able to watch the stories as they unfold: the dreams achieved, and surprise upsets, all of it. And I am thankful for every one of those athletes who get the chance to do what they've always dreamed of doing on the world stage.

July 23

Many moons ago, Abby was a first-timer at VBS. Preschool Abby had a moony-eyed admiration for "the Hula Girls" --also known as the big girls who served as the Worship Leaders-- and meticulously worked each day to perfect the "Outrigger Island" dance routine. One day, she vowed, she would be a Hula Girl up there on stage, singing and dancing and giving out high-fives to all of the attendees.

And this year, she did it: she was a Hula Girl. Well, not exactly because this year's theme had nothing to do with Hawai'i, but she was the head Worship Leader at VBS. (That's her on the stage toward the left.) 

Since today was the last day, I went a little early so I could catch her in action, and I'm glad I did. I know that leading was a bit out of her comfort zone, but I'm so proud of her for pushing through. (And when I think back on Preschool Abby, I'm thrilled that one of her long-time aspirations came to life.)

July 22

Mom headed back home to Maryland today, but not before we hunkered down at the dining room table to finish puzzle number two of her visit.

It came down to (quite literally) the last minute, but we got 'er done and snapped a quick pic before loading her things into my car and heading off to pick up Brady from VBS so he could come along for the ride to the airport.

 

I'm sure I've mused on this subject before, but life is so much like a puzzle: I know there's a full image and that God can see it (because he drew it and all), but all of those itty bitty bits and pieces can be decidedly overwhelming. Sometimes they slide into place easily; other times, I study a piece for hours and cannot imagine how it could possibly add any kind of beauty to the finished product. But in the end, even the weirdest, most strangely colored fragment of the bunch contributes some essential quality that helps to flesh out the full image. 

So here's my encouragement to you: the next time you're holding a piece of your life's puzzle that seems to have no value, just keep in mind that it does, because every single piece of you has tremendous worth.

July 21

It was something of a busy day, I suppose, although it didn't feel long or tiresome.

There was VBS during the morning hours (which was supposed to feature crazy hair, but the memo didn't get out all the way so the looks sported by my "twins" over there didn't last long). While they VBS'd it, mom and I hit Hobby Lobby and Joann.

Then in the afternoon (while I chilled in the hammock) mom helped Brady make brownies and then took a dip in the pool with Abby (and the inflatable unicorn, who is also known as Dwayne for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Part of me wishes I was kidding about that last part but the other part of me is just amused).

Then since it's mom's last night here before she heads back east, we finished out the day with CPK for dinner and dessert at home from the Cheesecake Factory.

So yes, it was busy. But it was also blessed, so I am grateful.

July 20

Today we dropped the kiddos off at church for VBS and then mom and I headed downtown. 

We started by getting her a manicure. (Me? I passed since I've rediscovered my penchant for nail biting and currently have nothing but nubbins. So I sat and watched and almost feel asleep to the sounds of the extremely soothing music that was playing in the salon.)

It was nearly 10 by the time the polish had set and I was still without coffee (and this sounds silly I know but I am an idiot before I have my morning dose) so we sauntered down Main Street to the Mother Ship, where I indulged in my blonde roast and she sipped a chai latte.

It was very pleasant sitting there sharing a bit of my town (and my grown-up life routine) with my mom. And it was also a blessing.

July 19

It was an unexpectedly warm but pleasant Monday. The kiddos began their week of VBS, with Brady as a camper and Abby and Isaac assisting with worship and the preschool room, respectively. After I dropped them off, I ran into the former receptionist from the kids' long-time elementary school (at the Mother Ship, naturally) and wound up sitting with her for two hours catching up on life.

Following pick-up, we headed downtown and got ice cream at the Dairy. Although there were assorted bursts of consternation from children who shall remain unnamed over my decision to not go through the drive-thru, I think we had a pleasant enough (or at least not torturous) time sitting by the gazebo licking our rapidly melting treats.

Later in the afternoon more, I tormented them further by having them put on nice clothes so we could go take pictures with my mom. Fortunately, grumbling was minimal, and the photos are cute, so I call it a win.

All in all, it was a good start to the new week. And I am grateful for the hours.

July 18

Mom and I went for a walk around the neighborhood this evening --a substantially longer stroll than the other day-- and then went up to the deck to watch the sunset.

As the sun descended toward the horizon, Isaac and Brady (and his animals and the blanket I made for him) trooped up the hill to say goodnight. So I (of course) made them pose for a pic.

I so love that these kiddos always make a point of finding me to say goodnight and I love you before they go to bed. It's a small thing, but I think it's such a lovely "habit" to have because it's always a blessing to be told that you are loved.

July 17

We hosted Isaac's travel baseball team at our house today so as of 2ish PM, we had a pool full of Spartans.

The party was actually initially intended to be a send-off for two of the boys who are moving out of California later this summer, but it wound up being a full-scale pool party with pizza, fruit, chips, cookies, and tons of drinks. (Note to self: specify ONE bag of chips and ONE container of drinks in the future!)

It was so satisfying to sit back and watch the boys jumping into the pool and talking and laughing and just being their goofy 12 and 13-year old selves off the diamond.

So today, I am thankful that we've been blessed with such a great place to share with others. And I'm grateful for this awesome team, their awesome coach Brian, and the awesome parents who came to hang out.

July 16

Mom wasn't feeling great today, so we just hung around the house. 

The three ladies in the house pooled our collective mental resources to conquer the cat book-themed puzzle we started yesterday (go girl power!) and mom and I took a walk around the neighborhood this evening, but otherwise, it was a lay-low kind of day.

And although I generally like to go-go-go, it was quite nice to just be for a day. So for those hours and minutes and seconds of plain old being, I am grateful.

July 15

Isaac (and Brady) have played baseball for quite some time now, but today marked the first time that my mom (or anyone from my family, for the matter) got to see him out on the diamond.

The Spartans were a wee bit (read: excruciatingly) rusty, probably because a number of the boys hadn't played in a month or more, but it was still a blessing to see them out there again doing their thing. 

And it was extra nice to be able to share something that's become such a part of our family's routine with my mom (even if she did have to use Brady as a heating pad --that's both of them squeezed into her chair on the left-- because it wound up getting chilly after sunset).

July 14

My mom came to visit today! She hasn't been in California since 2014, so I'm happy to have her as the first overnight guest at our newish house.

I (with the kiddos in tow because #summervacation) drove over to Oakland to pick her up early this afternoon. We then had a leisurely afternoon at the house until around 6, when we left for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory (where I had a mojito that was surprisingly ginormous). 

Anyhow, given all that she had to endure last year, it's a huge blessing (and a victory) to have our personal cancer-kicking  superheroine here with us for the next week. 

I'm not entirely sure what all we'll do, but I know it'll be good.

July 13

Today was, rather mercifully, better. I still felt tender when I awoke this morning, but after a few hours with my counselor talking things out and a trip to my favorite grocery store (shout out to Grocery Outlet because they rock my socks) to shop for my mom's visit (she comes tomorrow!), I felt less on edge.

And then this evening, after the All Star game ended (woot woot American League!), I went to the window hoping to catch a glimpse of Adam reading to the boys as he does every night. But I think I found them praying instead.

And the sight of those bowed heads was good for my heart. Although I often struggle with feeling like my prayers are futile, I'm happy that my kids are growing up knowing that they can talk to God whenever they like.

July 12

Today was the most difficult one I've had in quite a while, so I headed up to the deck with a beer to watch the sun fade into the distant hills this evening.

Adam and I goofed. My 1997 Honda Civic, which I affectionately named Chiquita when fresh-faced, college-aged me bought her brand new many moons ago, had been parked on the street by our old house since we moved last year. She had a valid registration, but there she sat, and at some point in the recent past, one of our neighbors apparently complained. I found out because the kind woman across the street texted to let me know a police officer had been ticketing cars that sat longer than three days. 

I went over for a look a few days later and there were no tickets on Chiquita, but Adam and I decided that since she no longer starts --he stopped driving her back when first gear went bad-- we'd donate her to the Make a Wish Foundation. We set up the donation and then... we just stopped. 

See, Chiquita was the car that we used to ferry Logan to and from his radiation appointments. It's the car that he affectionally referred to as "The Little Red Car." And I can still hear him calling her that in his chirpy little voice. So I decided that I couldn't handle letting her go. I couldn't handle the thought of no longer having that physical tie to him. But the problem was that I guess I didn't communicate that truth to Adam, so he didn't do anything about it, either. And as a result, she was towed, which we found out about yesterday. (Even though she was apparently towed two weeks ago. Not impressed with the notification process but it's our fault so oh well. It DOES make me feel for people who don't have the money to cover those fees, though.) And since mine was the only name on the title, I had to go to the police station to sign the form to have her removed from the impound lot.

I wasn't thrilled but I got through handing the clerk my license and then signing the paperwork. But then when I glanced at the writing on the form, I lost it, because the first word was "abandoned".

I realized they thought I'd abandoned my Chiquita. 

The car that we'd used to drive Logan to and from treatment. The Little Red Car.

I heard his voice in my head and I lost it, right then and there. I ugly sobbed into Adam's chest right there in front of a clerk and the woman she appeared to be training. I kept seeing that ugly word -- abandoned-- in my mind, and it felt like my refusal to deal with the situation was a metaphor for me abandoning my child. My Logan. I gulped and gasped and ugly cried for a while. The clerk quietly pushed a tissue under the window and I turned to explain why I was crying... and she said she was sorry... but still... abandoned. The Pleasanton Police think I'm an abandoner. The embarrassment and shame were overwhelming.

I spent the rest of the day in my closet, where I go pray and when I need to find clarity. I didn't find much, to be honest. I laid still and asked God to come close to me and I'm sure He did, but sometimes it's hard to feel Him when we hurt. It's hard to look beyond the pains and the things that trigger those emotions to see the reality. And the reality here is that we made a mistake by not arranging the donation sooner. And that I did all I could for Logan. And that The Little Red Car served us well for a long, long time. And that she will serve someone else in the future. And that though it was a hard day and my heart aches, I will not allow the hard memories and the bad feelings to dictate the rest of my life because God holds the pen that writes my story. So although today sucked, I am thankful that more days will come, and that most of them will be better.

July 11

We got up this morning, enjoyed a leisurely breakfast in our room, and then hit the road to head home with Mr. Lambie as our navigator.

We took a quick stop at a Michaels along the way (because yarn) and when I got back to the car, I noticed a deep, jagged gash in the rear passenger side tire. My car tends to get very upset when its tire pressures are off, but it didn't make a peep, so we got back into the car and continued the drive home. 

After he dropped me off at the house, Adam took the car over to Costco to have the tire center guys take a look. Blessing number one was that though it'll take a week or so to get the replacement, we bought them recently enough that they were still under warranty.

Blessing number two is that we had an uneventful trip home. Tire guy told Adam that he probably shouldn't drive it much until we get the new tire because it's not particularly safe as-is. Little did he know that we made it 80+ miles on that torn tire.

So yep: today, I am grateful for God's protection. I know that I sometimes feel like I've been thrown to the wolves, but the truth is that He protects us from more than we could ever imagine. And that's a really, really big deal.

July 10

My allergies got the best of me overnight, so I arose late this morning and dispatched Adam to find some Mucinex-D. (You know, the kind they keep behind the counter because crackheads like to use it to make meth.) 

With that on board, we went on a hike we'd never taken before which left my not-as-fit-as-I'd-like self in a rather zonked state, so after a quick stop at McD's for a drink, we headed back to the inn for afternoon siesta time.

When 5 o'clock rolled around, we ventured out to find dinner and wound up on the terrace at Il Fornaio. From there we strolled down to the beach for the sunset hour. It was entirely socked in, unfortunately, so there wasn't much sun available TO set, but we walked along the path above the ocean and watched the waves crash against the shoreline. (And spied someone shooting video of a young woman walking into the water fully dressed. She must've been freezing but didn't seem to care, because the second she emerged from the waves soaking wet, she danced around like she'd never before felt anything as freeing. It was an interesting sight.)

Anyway, it was a nice day. A blessed day. And for all of the small gifts sprinkled throughout --the ones I noticed and the ones that sailed by without catching my glance-- I am grateful.

July 9

Today I was blessed to watch this beauty say I do.

It was a beautiful ceremony that began with her now-husband fighting back tears even before she appeared at the end of the aisle. The love was literally palpable, and though I'm not generally one who cries at weddings, I had a hard time holding back the tears at this one.

The reception followed on-site, and though I admittedly had too much white wine and champagne and it's probably clouding my thinking a wee bit, I still had a good time meeting her friends and family and singing along with old country music favorites.

Congratulations Taylor and Kyle! May God continue to bless you as a couple for many, many years.

July 8

It may be just Thursday evening, but my weekend has begun! 

Adam's parents picked up the kiddos early this afternoon and then Adam and I drove down to Carmel after he finished with work this evening. Taylor is getting married tomorrow (woohoo!) so we came to attend the festivities and to have some time to ourselves. So far, we've checked into our room at the Carriage House Inn, eaten the appetizer platter, and had a glass of white wine (well, that last one was just me. And I'm feeling lovely, thanks).

It's been a long time --probably a few years or more-- since just the two of us have taken a trip, so I'd say it's long overdue. And it is a huge blessing to be able to take the trip and to know that Abby, Isaac, and Brady are well-cared for in our absence.

July 7

For some reason I still don't fully understand, Isaac wound up with ink all over his hands this evening. And of course he didn't notice said ink until he'd clutched his two prized stuffed dogs and lumbered up the stairs.

The result was an inky Slime Dog, and inky Slimy Boi, an amused Brady, and a not amused Isaac. They consulted me for help, and after I'd sprayed them (the dogs, not the boys) with water and spot remover, I started in on them with an old toothbrush, which I eventually handed to Isaac with the instruction that he keep scrubbing until the ink faded. Brady found this process oddly interesting, so he grabbed his old toothbrush and got to work on Slime dog.

And that's what they're doing here: working as a team to try to remove the stains from Isaac's buddies. I love their friendship. Seeing it at work in practical ways like this is a blessing.

July 6

Abby and Isaac had VBS prep at church tonight, so it was just me, Adam, and Brady for dinner.

Then shortly after he finished his food, Adam had to get back to work, which (of course) left just me and Brady at the table.

So we sat together for a few minutes exchanging random snippets of banter about baseball and video games. (And given that it's Brady and he tends to be a goofball, bytes of complete randomness, too.)

It was a blessing to have a few solo moments with my muffin.

July 5

Adam thought it would be fun to take the kids to the Dairy after dinner tonight, so that's what we did.

Chocolate and vanilla for Isaac and me, chocolate and strawberry for Abby, vanilla and pineapple for Adam, and pineapple and chocolate for Brady. (I admit that I gagged a little at the idea of Brady's choice but he seemed to hoover it up so what do I know?)

Anyhow, it was nice to be out with the fam, even if we were just in the car (and even if some of us had already had a shower and were already in pajamas) and even if we were just hitting the drive through for some ice cream. Small but certainly sweet moments for sure.

July 4

I know that we're in the throes of a rather contentious time in our nation's history, but today I'm thankful for all of the opportunity that living here provides.

I'm grateful that these three get to grow up as Americans and that they'll have chances to grow and chase their dreams as they see fit. 

And I'm grateful that God has a plan for each of their lives, just as He's always had a master plan for this country as a whole. We may take a meandering path sometimes, but His hand is always at work, even when we can see it.

Happy 4th.

July 3

Abby and I went on our usual Saturday shopping excursion today. And this time, she drove.

Here's the goofy proof. (She knew what I was doing and was less than amused. But she also didn't insist that I delete it and try again at a red light, so here we are.)

We hit Bed Bath and Beyond so she could pick out a new comforter and sheets for her new full-size bed, and then went over to Target, Hobby Lobby (because yarn clearance!), and Michaels before finishing up with a treat from Wendy's.

I love this time with my one and only girl. I may only have one daughter, but I'm blessed with a really ("high key" really -- I have no idea what "high key"  means but she always says it) great one.

July 2

These are Isaac's dogs.

They may be stuffed, but they're definitely important members of our household. Isaac brings them downstairs when he gets up in the morning and takes them outside when he swims or plays catch with Brady or reads in the hammock. They watch him play video games and sit behind the table at meal times. And, like today when we left late-afternoon so the boys could go play some baseball with some other kids, they sit at the top of the stairs to the garage and wait for him to return.

He may be a teenager, but I love that Isaac still loves his buddies like that. The dogs may not be human, but it's still a sweet, sweet picture of thick-and-thin friendship and devotion.

July 1

And into July we go. For my part, I welcomed the second half of 2021 with lots of social interaction: coffee and muffins (or delicious partial muffins may be more accurate) with Heidi this morning at her house, and a wine night with some of the moms from Brady's baseball team at our house this evening.

I invited all of the team moms, and when the dust settled, it wound up being me, Jenny, Stacie, and Jennifer sitting around the table in our yard (and later up on the observation deck) with a bottle of white wine. 

We laughed and told random (and not-so-random) stories and I had the best time just being with them for about three hours.

I've waited a long time to be able to have people over, and it is such a blessing to me that the time has at long last arrived. I could not be more grateful for these ladies (and for the ones who couldn't make it!) and for their life stories and for their willingness to share and to listen. (And I'm really looking forward to Moms' Night #2!)