July 14

I found out today that my dance class had been canceled. I try hard to be genuine, even when it means I may embarrass the heck out of myself, so I'll admit that I spent most of the evening in tears. So many tears, in fact, that my head is absolutely aching right now, and I've literally run out of them.

I went back to tap dancing last Fall because I needed something to make me feel alive again after Logan died. I danced for 14 years as a child and teen, and it was something that always brought me a hearty measure of enjoyment and, well, plain old joy. And the fact that I could take lessons in the very same place where Logan took his lone year of dance meant so much to me. And I did have fun. It gave me an escape. And it made me feel like Logan wasn't so far away after all.

So I was --and I don't use the word lightly-- devastated to find out today that it was over. Gone. Poof.

The kids knew something was wrong as we took our evening walk. I wore a hat and sunglasses to hide my eyes, and both Abby and Isaac asked Adam what was going on. So he told them. And they made me these:

I can't say that the pictures magically made it all better, because they didn't. I don't get over disappointment that easily, especially when it's so completely unexpected and painful. But it reminded me that even though they're young and they do things to make me feel like a failure just about every day, they try hard to be good and compassionate when it really matters. And for that realization and that sweet truth, I'm thankful.

And I'm hoping that I'll find somewhere else to dance, and that in time I'll believe the words I've heard whispered into my ear multiple times today: I'll be wherever you are, mommy.