October 31

One of the sad truths of being us is that holidays are always bittersweet. It's fun to celebrate, but sad --and at times, if I'm being truthful, overwhelmingly so-- that we can't all be together. But despite that overarching sense of melancholy, we still got dressed up this evening and went out trick or treating with some friends. And before we left, Adam took what might be one of my favorite pictures of me and the kids. Ever.

It's true that Logan doesn't physically appear in the image. But he's there in so many other ways that it almost takes my breath away. He's there in Lambie. He's there in the way Abby and Brady both instinctively touched Lambie as he sat in my lap. He's there in his siblings' huge, genuine smiles. Capturing a photo of them all smiling genuinely is akin to spotting a yeti, yet it happened. And Logan was always so good at turning on the charm and grinning for the camera that I can't help but see him in all three of them.

So a bittersweet kind of day, yes. But not one without unexpected blessings. And for that, I'm grateful.

October 30

There are probably hundreds of ways to carve a pumpkin. Ours involves newspaper on the kitchen floor, Bon Jovi blasting in the background and, of course, a healthy dose of no-holds-barred dancing.

As I busted my own move (and probably a hip, ha ha) to the sounds of Livin' on a Prayer and You Give Love a Bad Name, I had a clear thought:

Logan would've loved this; all of us in the kitchen shakin' our moneymakers and being goofy all in the name of holiday fun.

And then, just after I'd had a few seconds to let the thought percolate, Abby appeared clutching Lambie. She said she felt like he should be part of the dance party. And right she was.

Our moments of family fun are always marred by a sense of sadness, but he's so alive in our thoughts and hearts that... well, we dance anyway.

October 29

It was a "wow, the sky is amazing" kind of morning for me.

This image is a poor representation of what the sky actually looked like; the clouds were imposing but beautiful, and they worked with the sun to create dozens of intricate sunbeams.

A scene painted by God. What else can I possibly say?

October 28

I love it when my kids are proud of themselves. And Brady was definitely pleased with himself this morning after he managed to scale the sign at the park next to the school:

He asked me to take this picture, so of course I obliged.

It's not that I think we're supposed to be full of ourselves; as a matter of fact, I think that's exactly what we're not supposed to be. However, I think these early moments of pride are blessings from God Himself, and that they serve as our earliest opportunities to feel good, look up, feel gratitude and say yeah, thanks for every little thing!.

October 27

My kids are like most in that they enjoy a good autumnal leaf-tossing session. My 'rules' for such an event are pretty simple: Avoid leaves that are obviously damp, and under no circumstances should anything be thrown at mom. With the guidelines in place, they stopped to toss some of nature's confetti this afternoon during our Sunday walk.

I'd like to say that this was a completely spontaneous bit of glee captured at just the perfect moment. But that would be a lie. This is actually the fifth or sixth take, and it involved me yelling out 'one, two, three, THROW!' over and over again before they all got the timing (more or less) down pat.

But that's okay. They had a good time. It was indeed fun. And despite my inner perfectionist's need to have the ideal shot, the reality is that I'll remember --and value-- the outtakes, too. And since life is full of outtakes, that's a very good thing.

October 26

Way back on May 26, I posted about the volunteer tomato plant in my garden box. Well, it got huge. No, not just huge: enormous. It takes up every single inch of space available and then some. Here it is this evening:

I think it illustrates the point that I made back on May 26 absolutely beautifully.

This plant grew from a seed that took root without human intervention. I didn't really take care of it, yet it grew and grew and grew and has produced more tomatoes by itself than any collection of plants I've deliberately grown in the past. It grew and produced despite my human failings. It's amazing.

It's a visual representation of how God plants seeds and tends them with loving care until they produce and produce and produce. Because I have to be clear: this is most definitely God's tomato plant and God's handiwork on display. I'm just the blessed gal who gets to enjoy the resulting bounty.

October 25

It took a whopping hour for the school to call me this morning and ask that I come pick Isaac up. He was apparently coughing in class. A lot. In my defense, he didn't cough once from the time he got up til the moment he walked through his classroom door. But I guess things change quickly in kindergarten. Anyway, that call gave me a few extra, unanticipated hours with him at home today.

He'll be annoyed with me over this some day, but I love moments like these so I have to explain. You can't tell from the picture, but here he is wearing my black patent leather wedges. (Those are dress shoes, for the non-shoe inclined.) He was very pleased with himself for slipping his toesies into mommy's shoes, and he actually wanted me to take a picture.

I love that kind of innocence. It doesn't last long, but it's so pure and cute and sweet that I'd eat up every ounce of it, were that a literal possibility.

So yes, I see a bit of God in my son's unbridled glee over trying on my shoes.

October 24

There's something very soothing about this image.

I took it this morning at about 8:30, just after we dropped Abby and Isaac off at school. While I stood on the path that runs from the school to the nearby park, Brady wandered off to run around this tree.

Round and round he went, his little sandalled feet crunch-crunching on the fallen leaves beneath the branches. There was a stillness to the air and a calm quiet that brought about such a sense of peace.

Given that my life tends to be something of a cacophony of sound, a little silence now and then feels quite winkish.

October 23

As the weather turns cooler, my tidy little collection of candles comes out of hiding. I probably love this one most of all:

It honestly smells like roasting marshmallows. It's all sweet and delicious and fall-y. It reminds me of flannel shirts and apple cider and piles of colored leaves and campfires under the stars.

It's nothing big or groundbreaking; it's merely another small thing that I'm blessed with that makes me smile.

October 22

This may be a little hard to follow and it may not make complete sense, but bear with me.

After I took Brady to preschool this morning, I went to water Logan's flowers. As I often do, I asked him to make his presence known to me, if he could. And then I drove off and got on with my day.

After stopping off at the grocery store, I wandered into Hallmark. They have these cute little Disney animatronics that work together to form a Christmas band, and I decided to get a piece because I knew Brady would love it. To get the best price, I had to buy something else, so I looked around the store. A saleswoman approached and pointed out this ornament, which is indeed very pretty.

As she rang me up, she told me that she'd gotten that particular ornament for her son's mother in law, who is a cancer survivor. I felt a wave of sadness, and then brushed it off and finished the transaction. Just as I was getting ready to turn and leave, she stopped me and said, very randomly, that I looked very good in blue.

I didn't freeze, but came close to it. Blue was Logan's favorite color. As a result, I wear shades of blue frequently, but no one ever remarks on it. So it was remarkable that this random saleswoman just happened to appreciate my very boring blue jacket today, just an hour after I asked Logan to say hi.

It's a small thing. But it gave me a little burst of joy.

October 21

With Halloween looming, Abby begged me to find her a costume today. So I did. The Little Boys and I went to Target, where I found the cheerleader outfit she wanted. Then our attention turned to finding something for Brady to wear. When he walked into the store, he planned to be Spiderman (or Spidey, as he calls him). Then his attention shifted to Dusty Crophopper from "Planes" (though we've yet to see the film). Then he saw Elmo and it was game over. But I thought he was Elmo last year, so we left with Cookie Monster instead.

As it turns out, Brady is apparently much larger than a Target 2T. He loves it, but it's incredibly tight. And in another ironic twist, he wasn't Elmo last year after all, so we could've gone in that direction after all.

Oh well! The whole experience reminded me of a few truths. One, life isn't perfect because it's a fallen world. Just like Brady didn't get to be Elmo, we often don't get to be who we want to be. But that doesn't mean we can't eventually be that person we want to be -- just like eventually, Brady may well wind up dressing as Elmo! And two, despite the troubles of life, there's still plenty of fun to be found. Because gosh darn it, he looks pretty cute in that too-tight Cookie Monster suit!

Lesson? It's all good. Really.

October 20

I absolutely love it when my kids decide, out of the blue, to do something creative. Abby and Isaac did precisely that this afternoon while Adam and I watched the Niner game and Brady napped.

Abby was first to put her artistic skills to work. She told us it was Christmas, and that she had surprises for each of us. We closed our eyes, and when I opened mine, the purple cat was in my lap:

Inspired, Isaac squirreled away into the dining room and got to work on his own projects. He too played the Christmas card, and presented me with the pink cat.

It's amazing to watch them grow. I'm amazed by how creative Abby is. I'm amazed that since starting kindergarten, Isaac's interest in writing and drawing --activities that he literally hated and cried over before school began-- has skyrocketed. I'd love to take credit, but I can't; they're amazing people because God made them that way.

I'm just the lucky mom who gets to watch them grow and change and become really, really cool bigger kids.

October 19

Adam's cousin Amanda got married this evening. I love a good wedding, and fortunately for me, the Wight family takes their weddings very seriously.

I enjoyed watching Brady count and re-count the stamp-shaped magnets that served as party favors. I loved hearing the pride in Abby's voice when she told me that her Gramps --Adam's granddad-- said that talking with her was a highlight of his day. I was near-awestruck by the stunning, enormous orange moon that hung over the sky during cocktail hour. But to be honest, the moment that I loved the most of all came from Mr. Isaac.

That boy of mine was a complete maniac on the dance floor. He loves to bust a move and doesn't care what anyone thinks. And the way he moves makes me think of Logan. Both have the same gift of being able to create bizarre --and sometimes beautiful-- images with their bodies. It's startling to watch Isaac dance and humbling to see how he does it with such reckless abandon.

Anyway, at one point, he left the dance floor and walked (or more accurately, boogied) up to me. Breathlessly, he asked a question that tickled my funny bone and my heart at once: mom, can you go out to the car and get my tap shoes? He wanted to up the ante big time! After he shimmied off to get some water, I laughed so hard. It'd been a long while since I'd had a good, genuine giggle. And I so needed one.

Of course, I didn't retrieve his tap shoes. But I so love that he asked. I love that he wanted to go big.

Because I think God wants all of us to shed our inhibitions and go big before we go home.

October 18

I enjoy eating out. Really, I do. It's nice to not cook and to not have to worry about doing dishes or cleaning the stove. But after a week of being out for every single meal, it was so nice to just have dinner at home tonight.

There's really nothing quite like homemade pizza. Adam whipped up this pie (and its not-pictured friend) and I have to say, it was delicious.

It reminded me that though it's nice to be out and about and exploring different parts of the world, Dorothy Gale was right: there really is no place like home.

October 17

We flew home from Florida today. It was a largely uneventful journey. On the second leg of the trip, Adam sat with Abby and Brady, while I paired up with Isaac. At some point, I realized we could watch the flight progress via a tablet, so that's what we did. And just a few minutes after I turned it on, I saw this:

(Try as I might, I could not get this to flip right side up, so just pretend it's oriented properly.)

Logan.

I'm sure that town in Utah has been there for a long while now and I'm fairly certain I'd heard of it before today, but the timing of it was too perfect to not take notice.

And for subtle little reminders like this, I'm so grateful.

October 16

I can't really use an exact image for today's entry, because it springs from something that no matter how hard I wish, I simply can't photograph. So I'm using a substitute picture of Adam, Isaac, Brady and Abby walking toward the Tomorrowland Speedway instead, because the more I think about it and in an ironic sort of way, it fits the bill.

During an episode of The Golden Girls (yes, stick with me here...), Blanche has a dream about her husband George, who passed away before she welcomed Rose, Dorothy and Sophia to live with her in her Miami home. Anyway, at the end of the episode, she wakes up happy because at long last, she got to hug her husband during her dream.

Well, last night I got to see Logan in my dream. And I got to touch him; I dotted his precious cheeks with kisses. We didn't talk, but it's the first time since he moved on that I've been able to touch him in a dream. In fact, during the rare occasions when he appears in my dreams, I can only see him from a distance. I woke up feeling so happy, and then I remembered that it wasn't real.

But it will be real again some day. And this is where the Tomorrowland Speedway comes into the picture. Logan loved cars. So does Brady. As a result, we wound up riding that particular attraction --which Brady enthusiastically called "The Racing Cars"-- five times. More times than we rode any other ride.

I may not have been able to love on Logan for real in this life, but there's the hope of Tomorrowland --Heaven-- that still ties us all together.

October 15

Today, we visited the Magic Kingdom. Although Abby and I went last October, Adam, Isaac nor Brady had ever been.

From the outset, I asked Logan to show up. Please, please I thought. Just show up.

Though there wasn't an aha moment, I did feel a glimmer of his presence while we were on It's a Small World, as well as a general reminder to keep appreciating the little things.

We rounded a corner in our boat and came upon a pair of blue lambs dancing to the (highly addictive and borderline maddening) music. I immediately thought of Lambie. I wish I'd taken a few seconds to retrieve my camera from my pocket, but I didn't. And then they were gone.

The other noteworthy bit of that ride came from the older woman seated behind us. As we entered every new room, she'd draw in her breath and declare that is soooo cute!. Over just about every dancing doll and swinging monkey.

And you know something? I think that's how we're supposed to live. It's how Logan lived. And I'm grateful for the older woman who reminded me, once again, that the smallest things can bring us great joy.

October 14

Today saw us leaving New Smyrna Beach and heading to Orlando. But we had a little fun before we headed back west: time on the most seashell-dotted beach I've ever seen, Pirate mini golfing in Daytona Beach and a pit stop at DQ (so Adam could indulge his need for a cherry dipped cone).

And it was at the aforementioned beach that Adam found this gem hidden among the piles of rock, sediment and shell.

In case it's hard to make out exactly what I'm talking about, it's an "L"-shaped hole in a shell. Kind of like the L-shaped hole in all of our hearts.

Very appropriate, I thought. It's always appropriate, of course, but it's even more fitting given the reason for our trip.

I love good timing even more when it feels so... purely perfect.

October 13

All in all, we had a lovely day here in New Smyrna Beach. We found a Target, visited a lighthouse (though this year, we didn't trek to the top because one of us was being difficult, one of us was kinda too small and another of us was scared... you figure out who's who!), went for a drive through Daytona Beach, had lunch at a yummy local deli, had a casual beach photo shoot with a super sweet local photographer, and dined with Kathy and her husband Brad. (Phew! It sounds exhausting writing it all out.)

When push came to shove, this is the image that stood out to me the most:

It's from the tail end of our shoot, taken as Abby, Brady and Isaac enjoyed the ocean. I'm sure the talented Darla Sharp has a much better version that I'll see in a few weeks' time, but this is one that I quickly snapped courtesy of my ninja photo skills (because, you know, it felt a little weird taking pictures with my iPhone when an actual photographer was on hand).

It didn't occur to me until just now, but this afternoon represented the Little Boys' first time dipping their toes in the Atlantic. It represents a decidedly bittersweet moment to me. Although it makes me sad that Logan never got to see the Atlantic --my "home ocean", so to speak-- it fills my heart with a calm sense of happiness to see his sister and brothers giggling and splashing in the same big body of water that I visited on occasion when I was small.

And for that... I'm grateful.

October 12

Picking today's picture was a huge challenge for me, since today was the second annual Team Logan Bake Sale in New Smyrna Beach, Florida. It's strange (albeit gratifying, in a way) to see my son's face plastered all over a town he never visited in a state I'm not sure he knew existed. So it would've been easy to use one of the shots of us or the kids sitting beside one of the awesome posters Kathy had printed up. It also might've been easy to use a picture from the pie eating contest, which saw Abby, Isaac AND me all chowing down on rich --incredibly rich, glub glub!-- chocolate cream pie. But the image I ultimately settled on is something so purely Logan that it begged to be used:

Adam saw it first, and took a hard right into a parking lot to get an up-close gander. I didn't get his sense of urgency to see this particular car since Canal Street was lined with Vette after Vette, just like it was last year when Abby and I were here.

And then I noticed the license plate placeholder:

Sunshine.

And then, of course, it made perfect sense. That aha, he IS around here somewhere feeling that absolutely bowled me over last October.

Pretty neat. And definitely very cool and a very welcome sign from beyond.

October 11

Today was long. Very, very long. It encompassed a lot of fighting and a lot of travel time as we made our way to Florida for tomorrow's Team Logan Bake Sale. I spent a lot of time time feeling, to be completely blunt, like I suck.

And then Isaac wrote this on the second leg of our trip, somewhere between Houston and Orlando:

It may or may not be legible depending on how much experience you have with kindergarten writing translation, but I know precisely what it says because he told me what he wanted to say and I spelled it out.

They're just words, but they're also validation that maybe I don't suck after all. (Or at least not as much as I think.)

Little kids and their innocent honesty are huge blessings, if you take the time to actually hear them.

October 10

I chatted with a friend as we waited for Abby's teacher to emerge this morning to take the kiddos inside for the day. At one point, one of the fourth graders floated over to us and excitedly pointed skyward. I looked up and saw this:

You may have to squint pretty hard to see it, but it's a rainbow.

Only it wasn't rainy. Cloudy, but not a drop of moisture in sight.

The little girl was giddy over noticing it, and it was cute watching other little heads turn skyward as she buzzed around the line like a busy worker bee sharing her happy observation. I marveled over it and what it meant and why it was there.

Inevitably, I didn't have any grand revelations about why it showed up when it did or why Abby's classmate was so eager to share it with everyone else.

But I always feel a measure of awe when I see a rainbow.

October 9

It's only Wednesday yet it feels like it's already been a very long week. That's why things like this are so awesome:

I hit up my Facebook friends for some prayers this evening. And I wasn't disappointed. As the likes and comments came in, I felt a sense of renewal that only comes with the knowledge that others are holding you up in prayer.

I miss that feeling; the sensation of knowing that others are bringing my needs to God's feet holds a kind of power that I can't really explain.

October 8

Brady's laugh is both utterly madcap and utterly delightful at once.

I don't even remember what tickled his funny bone, but he let loose with a belly-whopper of a giggle during dinner this evening.

And that sound.... It's music of the purest, simplest, most intense, most genuine and most innocent form. When I feel tired and frustrated and overwhelmed, it's precisely the kind of melody that makes the weight of the world less difficult to bear.

October 7

A couple hundred days in, I'm sure you've noticed that I like a good old shot of nostalgia now and again. That's why this just had to come home with me today:

Sure, it's a sugared up cereal. It's probably not particularly healthy. But it brings back happy feelings about my childhood, from the taste of the stuff inside the box to the design of the box itself.

It reminds me of making gingerbread boys for Halloween trick-or-treaters, and of the sweet white frosting my mom piped onto each little face and each little shirt button. I'm convinced that they're the best gingerbread men I've ever had.

It's just good to look back and smile sometimes.

October 6

I'm not sure why, but Abby decided to be creative this morning and made this enormous wall mural:

It's a sea of orange and black butterflies drawn across pages and pages of plain white copy paper. And it's currently gracing the wall beside our front door.

Things haven't felt especially beautiful for me lately. Between ongoing health issues, frustrations with the medical community, missing Logan and dealing with everyday life stressors, I've felt defeated.

But this big piece of cheerful artwork by my girl... well, somehow, it made things feel a little cheerier for me today.

October 5

Every year, we pick a Saturday in October and drive down to Pastorino's Pumpkin Farm in Half Moon Bay. Every year, dating back to 2004 when I was nine months pregnant with Abby and looked like I was trying to smuggle a huge gourd out of the patch, we've taken the same picture of me and the kiddos in front of the entry gate. This is the 2013 incarnation:

It was a beautiful, warm, bright afternoon (hence the squinting and blinking and eye-shielding) and we had a lovely time picking out our pumpkins.

But it's hard to go without Logan. It's hard to take this photo without him (though Lambie does serve as his stand-in). But, ironically, I guess, it's a good kind of hard, because we can go and remember the times he went with us. That's the blessing of going to the same place just one time a year: you can remember previous trips with a good deal of accuracy and detail. Those moments become sparkling crystals in the mind that you take out and polish and enjoy and cherish just one day a year.

And in those moments, I can see a lot of God.

October 4

My childhood partner in crime turned 33 today.

I'd be lying if I said my little brother Charlie and I always got along when we were kids, because we most definitely didn't. We had more than our share of knock-down, drag-out, hair-pulling, butt-kicking fights.

But I'd also be lying if I said he wasn't one of the most important people in my life back then. We rode bikes, played school, performed skits, tried on grandma's make-up samples (a-hem), collected wildflowers and had a generally good time together.

Though I don't see him often at all now that we're all grown up, he is, to put it into terms that mean a lot to me personally, my Logan. And for that, I'm grateful. Happy birthday!

October 3

As the weather gets a wee bit cooler and I find myself needing a sweater for our morning walk to school, I'm increasingly grateful for simple luxuries like my electric blanket.

At the risk of sounding like an ad, I have to gush: it's super soft and has three different settings. It's just so awesome to be able to plunk down in my recliner in the evening with this puppy on my lap. I love autumn, but I really love feeling warm and cozy during autumn.

Just a small, easily overlooked thing, but hey, I try not to overlook the overlookables.

October 2

Every time I take a picture of my kids, my heart screams wait! They're not all there yet!. But of course, they won't be all together again until we get to the other side some day.

Until then, spontaneous moments like this one have to be enough. And fortunately, they often are.

Brady spent the night with Adam's parents, and he and I picked Isaac up from school after he got home early this afternoon. After lunch, Brady decided he wanted to join Isaac for "a cuddle"... and Isaac complied.

It's a blessing. I may have lost so much, but I still have much to be thankful for every day.

October 1

This one is easy.

Abby scrawled this on the side of the car this morning. It doesn't mean what some might assume it means at first glance. It's her way of proclaiming her forever kind of love for Logan, her best friend and brother.

I know he's always on her mind; as much as I miss him and though there's a permanent Logan-shaped hole in my heart, I know I can't come close to understanding how it felt to her then 7-year old heart to have to say good-bye to her best friend.

I'm just so glad that he's still on her mind and part of her life.