May 31

This girl was promoted to high school tonight. My girl. High school. I still don't really believe it.

Whenever Abby has a big life event, it's bittersweet for me since Logan can't be here to celebrate with her and I know that on some level, that hard truth probably lingers in the back of her mind. When I woke up this morning, I laid in bed for a few minutes and prayed that he would show up to Promotion in some way, and that it would be a no-doubter. I've prayed that prayer before and it hasn't really panned out, but somehow, since it was Abby, I hoped it would.

And it did. It was a very, very cold evening for late-May, and we all shivered as we waited in line for the big event. There was a moment when, just before we walked into the packed gymnasium for the ceremony, the sun broke through the cloudy skies and warmed my back. I turned, looked up, smiled, and thought "thanks for coming." My heart recognized him right away.

And for that brief moment, I will always be grateful.

May 30

Tonight after the boys and I watched the Braves --who beat Isaac's team in the championships last week-- face off against the Foothill League AA champions, I had a spur-of-the-moment dinner outing with Taylor and Aaron (who was the Braves' coach. Catch all that? Good). I had a great time laughing and talking with both of them and I wish I'd thought to snap a pic. But honestly, this guy is the star of the evening:

Why? Because before I went out, I drove home from the game, ushered the boys inside, and immediately asked if it would be okay if I went out with Tay. His response? "Have fun." That was it. Just have fun.

I know very, very well that not all men are like that, and that I'm extremely blessed to have one who is totally okay with me going out with friends and making last-second plans.

So thanks, hunny, for being adaptable and for being okay with me being a little unpredictable at times. You're awesome.

May 29

I spent much of the day running around and feeling stressed, so when I finally got home for the night, I realized I'd only taken one picture. This one:

This is almost all of my PTA executive board for the 2018-19 school year. With the exception of Nikki and Ha, I don't really know most of them very well just yet, but I'm looking forward to getting to know them. There's good energy and more ideas than I could ever come close to shaking a stick at --which is admittedly overwhelming-- but I'm thankful for the enthusiasm. We do, after all, have to start somewhere.

May 28

While we were out to brunch this morning, I got a call from my Aunt Linda. She and my Uncle Bill live back in Maryland but they were in the Bay Area for a quick visit with my grandma's sister Kate, who lives in Campbell. So we hopped in the car and headed south on the freeway.

I hadn't seen Great Aunt Kate in 16 years --which means she'd never met the kiddos-- and rarely see Linda and Bill, so it was really nice to have a chance to sit and chat for a few hours. I heard the recent family updates from home and even learned a few things I hadn't previously known about my grandma.

I may not see my family very often, but when I do, it's always a blessing.

May 27

I went for a walk by myself this afternoon. It was a little warm for my taste, but the trees along the path made for a shady stroll.

I don't have much to say, really, only that it's a blessing to be able to take time to myself to just think and be. I think we all need solitude sometimes.

May 26

I found these two like this when I came home from a walk this evening:

Just a sweet, cuddly moment while watching the Warriors game; nothing more, nothing less. Given that the majority of life takes place during these mundane moments, I figured it would be a good idea to stop and appreciate this one.

May 25

We really and truly (finally) closed out baseball season this evening with Brady's team party at the A's game. Thanks to one of the team dads --who happens to work in the A's front office-- we enjoyed a suite and more than enough game-day food. (Think hot dogs, pizza, wings, nachos, chicken tenders, glub glub!) And then to top it off, we got to sit right along the third base line right next to home plate for the Star Wars themed post-game fireworks show.

It was pretty darn cool to sit with my family and watch those brightly colored lights illuminate the sky, and it was even cooler to watch from the very spot where the players who inspire my little boys so much had just finished playing a game.

Those unique moments don't happen every day, so I try to embrace them with a gratitude-filled heart when they do.

May 24

It was a busy, busy day. I spent the morning preparing for the final PTA general meeting of the year, ran said-meeting at 3PM, had dinner, then scooted over to the Sports Park to watch Isaac and his team (and the other first and second place teams) receive their trophies.

Given the number of items on the PTA agenda, I'd been apprehensive about this day for at least a month, but it all went blessedly smoothly and I heaved an actual sigh of relief as I drove out of the parking lot.

It was fun to see Isaac get his trophy and of course I have lots of pictures of him and his teammates trolling the field afterward, but this moment from the meeting stands out as a favorite.

It's probably not immediately obvious, but it's a photo of one of Isaac's friends reading a letter to one of our service award recipients, who is a teacher who will be leaving the school at the end of the year. Said teacher teared up as T read the note, and in that moment, I felt distinctly blessed to be in a place with great schools and terrific educators who truly care about our kids.

May 23

And just like that, the baseball season is over. Isaac's team didn't win the big game, but they played well and kept it competitive until the very end. There were a few tears when they came off the field for the final time, but for the most part, I think they were happy and I didn't think I could be prouder of all of them. And then this happened, and, ironically, I had to eat those "couldn't be prouder" thoughts:

After each team took pictures on the diamond, the parents scattered to our respective sides to swap reflections and parting words. I was surprised --and genuinely touched-- when I turned around at one point and saw boys from both teams engaged in a spirited game of pickle. A's running with Braves running with A's, laughing and tripping over themselves and having a fabulously good time. It was, in a word, beautiful.

With the competition over, they went back to being what they've really always been underneath it all: a bunch of eight-to-10 year old boys who just want to play and have fun. It no longer mattered who was on which team; in those post-game moments, they were all just kids who --underneath it all-- probably didn't want to see their fabulous season end.

What a blessing it is to see children living the way we all should live, right? I think so.

May 22

...and this is what it looks like to be top 2 in AA-ball.

Isaac and his team played their hearts out tonight against the number one seed. And they won. At this point, I'm not sure why I was so surprised; they've improved steadily as the season has progressed and as of this moment, they've won a whopping 9 of their last 10 games. (And the one they didn't win? It was that marathon 8-inning effort last week that they wound up losing by one lowly run. And yep: that's the other team left standing.) They've worked hard and they've really, truly, honestly earned their spot in tomorrow's championship.

But in a weird way, it's also hard to win. My heart broke a little for my good friend's son, who pitched several really strong innings for the other team and came out on the losing end. So when one of my fellow moms aggressively cheered for the other team during the post-game handshakes, I joined her. Because at the end of the day, when their heads hit their pillows, they're all just little boys. And any team can win --or lose-- at any time. And it's always good to be kind. So thanks, Erin, for the powerful reminder that we always need to prioritize doing what's right and good.

May 21

This is what it looks like to be top 3 in AA-ball.

Isaac's team --who began the season by going 2 and 5-- won their 8th of 9 tonight and earned the chance to play for a spot in the championship games. The Championships!

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the day after, but I do know that I'm hopeful that these boys will come away believing that they can accomplish anything at all with hard work and dedication.

May 20

Adam and the kids gave me these flowers on Mother's Day last week. After seven days of waiting, the lillies all finally opened completely today.

Aside from being beautiful (and quite fragrant), they reminded me of an important truth: sometimes, we have to wait for something to mature and become beautiful. And really beautiful things are truly worth the wait. So just keep praying and waiting and trusting that the beauty will eventually shine through the circumstance.

May 19

For numerous reasons, I didn't play any sports when I was a kid. (I did dance, though. Not exactly a team sport, but it was my physical-activity-thing and it kept me from languishing on the couch in front of the Atari 2600.) So the whole baseball experience has been a different one for me. And I really do love it: I love watching my boys do something they really enjoy, but I also love getting to know the other parents and kids.

And today, one of those seasons came to an end as Brady's team played their final game. (Isaac's team won their playoff game. They have a tough row to hoe from here on out since they're in the losers' bracket by virtue of their loss on Thursday, but they're one of only four teams left in the mix so they should be really, really proud. I know I am.)

No specific observations today; just a sense of thankfulness that I've had the chance to watch all of these boys play and grow over the past few months.

May 18

I love being right. And I'm happily basking in my right-ness right now.

As I've mentioned before, Abby isn't particularly big on social activities, so early on in the school year she insisted that she most definitely did not want to go to the much-hyped 8th grade promotion dance. I'd always heard that it's awesome, so I --being the mom who wishes she'd enjoyed teenagerhood a bit more and worried a bit less-- insisted that she absolutely would go. And, in the end, I won that battle.

As I helped her fix her hair and put on a wee bit of make-up this evening before said social event, she said --for the 20th time-- that she didn't really want to go. When I dropped her off in front of the school, she was uncertain and looked back at me like I was sending her off to suffer some sort of unusual punishment.

But when I picked her up at 9, she clutched a tiny pink teddy bear and had strings of beads around her neck and her face was literally aglow with excitement. My heart grew a few sizes and I grinned and said 'it was fun, wasn't it?' and she had to admit that she'd had a great time. And then she spent the next hour telling me --in her usual 'I'm really excited so my voice is an octave and a few volume knob notches higher' tone-- all about her friends' dance battle and showing me a handful of pics she'd snapped while it all went down.

So yeah, I love being right. But more than that, I love that my girl had so much fun with her friends. She only has two weeks of middle school left, so I'm beyond happy that she took the time to savor these moments while she still can. That is a huge blessing to this mama's heart.

May 17

There are many things I love about motherhood. Even though it's a blessing to be able to comfort someone else, dealing with heartache isn't one of those things. And that was my job this evening after Isaac's team lost a playoff game in the bottom of the 8th inning. (And yep, that's a really, really, really long little league game. No ties in the playoffs.)

Most of the boys came off the field in tears, including my own. He was a mix of angry and sad as we took the long, long walk to the car. While Brady got in and waited, he and I sat on the curb and talked a little. I reminded him that it's just a game and that it's supposed to be fun and that they still have at least one game left. I reminded him that they're easily the most-improved team in the division. (And I'll fight you if you disagree with me on that one because they are bar-none most-improved. From day one of the season to now... it's insanity.) And I reminded him that I'm proud of all of them for playing as hard as they played and not giving up.

And then I drove home, sent the boys inside, and sat in the car trying to decompress for half an hour. And even another hour later, I'm still trying to decompress.

It's nice to win. I think, on some level, that even people who say they don't care about winning actually secretly want to win. So of course it hurts to lose, especially when you pour all of your effort into achieving a goal. So where, exactly, is the blessing in this? It was definitely hard to pinpoint it while I was sitting in my car and banging my head against the steering wheel. And it's still hard now. But when I go to bed tonight, I'll fall asleep knowing I sat on that curb and did the best I could do to try to make my very disappointed kid feel better. And hopefully, it was enough.

May 16

I've felt a bit apprehensive about being the PTA President this coming year. (Total understatement there.) So I was a bit nervous going into my first casual get-together with (most of) the incoming executive board members this morning. I made it easier on myself by holding the meeting at my second home (which some people call "Starbucks"), and I think it went really, really well.

You can't build Rome in a day, of course, but I'm fully confident that these ladies (and those who were unable to attend) and I will be able to do some really good things at the school next year. As I told them, we may not agree on everything, but I feel like we're all fair-minded and that we'll be able to work out whatever disagreements that may arise without much drama.

And I've gotta tell ya: feeling like we're going to be successful means a whole lot to me, and I'm thankful for that big blessing.

May 15

Today marked day two of an exceptionally busy week. It featured more PTA-related stuff (which I fear may never end), baseball, and the generic child shuffling that enabled me to make everything else happen.

Anyhow, as I drove back to the Sports Park to catch the end of Isaac's first playoff game (which they won!) this evening, I looked up at the sky and was gratified to see this:

Though it's not a real rainbow, per se, it still reminded me of an important truth: God sees me --all of us, really-- and He's still moving in this oft-screwy world we inhabit. And for that reminder amid the craziness that is my life right now, I'm thankful.

May 14

Isaac's teacher is putting together a gift basket for her student teacher, who's been with their class since mid-February. Rather than hitting up parents for donations, she told the kids that they'd be welcome to contribute a few dollars from their own allowances, so today I offered to pay Isaac a pittance to unload and reload the dishwasher. Imagine my surprise when that outwardly simple task became a nearly hour-long organizational marathon.

See, when I said "unload and reload the dishwasher," I meant "unload and reload the dishwasher." But what Isaac apparently heard was "unload the dishwasher, take all dishes out of the cabinets, reorganize them on the stove top and kitchen counters, and then put everything back in the cabinets. And then reload the dishwasher." Because that's what he did.

I stood back and quietly watched as he carefully arranged plates by size and color, and then wiggled them around to try to get them to fit on what's always been a slightly-too-small shelf. (I finally had to tell him that it was okay that it wasn't perfect.) And I silently marveled over his patience. I mean, I was paying him a whopping 50 cents to get the job done and he knew it. Still, he wanted to do it right.

I love his steadfast determination and his dedication to finishing what he starts. Those characteristics are blessings, I think, and I feel fortunate that he has them in spades.

May 13

I pray every year that Mother's Day will be gentle on my heart, and for the most part, it usually is. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tinged with a bit of melancholy. With that said, today was pleasant enough; I had pancakes in bed and received some really thoughtful gifts, and then it was off to church and the cemetery.

Afterward, Adam took Abby, Isaac, and Brady to visit his mom so I could have some alone-time. I think I used that time to take a nap last year, but this go-round, I headed off for a walk by myself. During my first pass around the Sports Park, I listened to music and cried a little behind my sunglasses. During a second pass, I turned off the tunes and opted to walk with Logan. I guess that sounds a little weird, but the idea came to mind and so I strolled in silence. He didn't talk to me, of course, and I couldn't hold his hand or ask him about his day, but I imagined what he'd look like and tried to figure out how tall he'd be and if our strides would match. And I thought about how his golden grin and blue eyes matched the sun and the sky, and I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes and tried to internalize the moment as best I could.

It still hurts, of course, and I imagine it always will. If I could change one thing about this life, I'd erase Logan's death. But of course, I can't do that, and I will never --on this side of Heaven-- understand why he didn't get better. But I will always be thankful for the gift of motherhood... even when it hurts.

May 12

Isaac's baseball team knocked off the number one seed today during their last regular season game. Both teams knew their seeding for the playoffs prior to the first pitch, so it was a fun tune-up more than anything, but I know the boys were super proud to get that final out and hand their opponents just their second loss of the season. And post-game, I was touched when the boys all handed their moms and grandmas roses:

I don't know who was behind the gesture, but I do know that his team is full of kids with parents who are just awesome people. We still have playoff games to look forward to, but I know I'll miss them whenever our season ends because they've brought a lot of laughter to my life this spring. I'll always be grateful for that blessing.

May 11

Two years ago, Abby came home from school one day in May and told me that the eighth graders had taken part in a Swing Dance competition. She seemed intrigued, but insisted taking part wasn't in her future. Then last year, she again came home from school and shared about that same contest with that same glint of interest in her eyes, but reiterated that no way would she ever don saddle shoes and do it. Nope. Not happening.

Of course, we change our minds over time. And today, she and her partner joined 20 other pairs in the school gym to Swing Dance the hours away.

Maybe it's because she's starting high school soon or maybe it's because I'm paying more attention to what's going on, but I've been extra proud of her lately. I absolutely love that despite her insecurities, she found herself a partner --which was no small task since she's fairly tall and wanted her match to be at least her height-- she could work with, put together some basic choreography, and danced her little heart out. I could feel her enthusiasm from the bleachers and am so thankful that she didn't let fear stop her from doing something fun.

She's growing up, this girl of mine, and I don't think I could be prouder of who God made her to be.

May 10

I'm pooped. It was a long, busy day. But it was also a productive day that involved doing things to benefit other people, so I'm going to go to bed feeling satisfied.

I honestly can't remember if I've mentioned it here before, but I'm the president-elect of our elementary school's PTA, and I've been serving as acting president since December-ish when the actual president stepped away from the role. It's been a harried spring for me as I've tried to learn the ropes and scrambled to avoid screwing anything up, but I think today's Teacher Appreciation luncheon went quite well. Other than recruiting a committee chair, telling her how much she could spend, and helping a bit with setup and cleanup, my active role in the event was rather limited, but it was a blessing to be part of the celebration because I know how hard the teachers work for our kids. So for that tangible chance to show appreciation to people who deserve it, I'm thankful.

May 9

It's been such a busy week that I had to remind myself more than once that today was only Wednesday. (And that's kind of important since the kids' school hours are different on Wednesdays!) I haven't had a lot of time to think about much of anything, so when I looked down at the door handle when I was getting out of the car this afternoon and saw this, I figured it was time to process this past Sunday morning.

Our pastor was out of town, so an absolutely lovely woman from the congregation gave the sermon about prayer. She hadn't gotten particularly far into the message when something unexpected happened: she said something about how hard it is to have a child with cancer die despite the fervent prayers of many. It struck a nerve, and I was out of there like a pebble propelled by a slingshot. I don't even remember making a conscious decision to get up and leave; my body just moved while my brain struggled to catch up. Then I sat outside by myself and cried.

Grief is weird like that. It's unpredictable and sudden and overwhelming. And frustrating. And annoying. And painfully real. I'll think I'm fine and then something will happen and I'm suddenly just... not. But as a meme I've seen a bunch of times recently says, grief is love with nowhere to go. And somehow, equating grief with love makes it a bit less difficult to manage.

May 8

We were out of milk tonight so I decided a quick trip to the store was in order. Abby asked if she could come, so off we went to Target.

Shopping with my daughter is always an experience.

She's smart and funny and quick-witted and she does the strangest things to make me laugh. And honestly, it amuses me to bits that we're pretty much the same size --okay, well, so she's technically a tiny bit taller-- and that we can walk together with a synchronicity I don't think I've ever had with anyone else.

She makes me crazy at times (as I'm sure I've noted and will continue to note), but it's pretty darn cool to have a daughter. And it's infinitely cooler to have one as amazing as mine.

May 7

I'm basically drowning in PTA stuff lately, so baseball is a welcome relief. (Really. It's why I talk about it so darn much.) With that said, tonight's game was one heck of a roller coaster. Isaac's team jumped out early to take a big lead, then lost the lead, then staged a comeback and entered the sixth and final inning tied with the other team. After holding their opponent scoreless in the top of the inning, they headed into the bottom knowing that the worst result would be a tie. And that, as it turns out, wasn't enough for our little scrappers.

They loaded the bases with no one out. Isaac wound up taking a hard tumble as he was thrown out at the plate (though some --including Isaac-- thought he'd beaten the tag), but the next batter --who'd had a rather tough day personally-- singled and drove in that winning run. And we all celebrated.

As I awaited the end of the post-game huddle, I felt a sense of pride. I may only be mom to one of them, but I was deeply proud of all of them for not giving up when that initial lead slipped away. It takes a great deal of character and tenacity to continue forging forward when life takes daunting turns. So for that display of fortitude this evening --and that not-so-subtle reminder that perseverance eventually pays off-- I'm thankful.

May 6

Way back when, we used to get together with Adam's extended family on a relatively regular basis to celebrate birthdays and holidays. As the family has grown and we've all gotten older, those gatherings have become significantly less frequent, so it was nice to buck the trend and get together today.

There was food and chatter and kids playing corn hole and basketball. And there were several trips down the zipline in the backyard (for the kids. Not me). I have no grand observations to share other than the very obvious one that it's a blessing to have family nearby. We may not see them often, but we always have a good time when we do.

May 5

Even I think I talk about baseball too much during the spring months, but, well, here I go again. After the boys' games this morning and lunch this afternoon, we headed off to Oakland for the A's game. They just happened to be playing the O's, so it served as our annual throw down game, with Adam, Isaac, and Abby rooting for the A's, and Brady joining me as a Baltimore devotee.

It makes sense that I cheer for the Orioles since I'm from Maryland and grew up following the team. But Brady likes them because I like them, and a big part of me just loves that he's aligned his loyalties with mine.

It's a small thing, but it gives me a unique connection with him that I don't have with my other kiddos (or Adam). So for that special "thing" we have, I'm thankful.

May 4

Adam and I are both keenly aware that Abby will be heading to high school in the fall and that our time with her under our roof is growing small much faster that we imagined possible. So we both appreciated it when she agreed to stay downstairs for Movie Night with the 'rents tonight.

Since we watched "Ocean's Eleven" with her last week, the logical pick was "Ocean's Twelve," so that was the flick of choice. But we could've watched just about anything because the experience was, at its core, about spending some time with our girl.

There are precious few guarantees in this very human life, but I'm certain we won't regret spending extra minutes with her while we can.

May 3

It's been a busy week. And in many ways, in the wake of my busy-ness, I feel like Isaac's plastic slinky.

Although it doesn't always feel particularly good to be stretched, it's almost always a good thing to get outside of your comfort zone. It's good to be challenged in new ways and to view situations differently. So for the blessing to being stretched and pushed and pulled in new directions, I'll choose to be thankful.

May 2

Just breathe it in. Those are the words that came to me as I walked to and fro at the Sports Park while Isaac's team warmed up for their game this evening. So I deliberately inhaled the air and the sunshine and the entire experience of being in that particular moment and I watched the leaves on the trees dance in the breeze.

I think sometimes that I'm inclined to feel overwhelmed too easily. I let circumstances get under my skin and don't always do a good job of handing it all over to God. So those moments when I listen and watch and deliberately live in moments are blessings.

May 1

Isaac's class had a field trip today to Mission San Juan Bautista, which is located about two hours south of Pleasanton. I've chaperoned most of his trips this year (and last) and am a wee bit burned out, but since today's adventure involved chartered buses instead of my car, I volunteered to go along. Here's my little group:

It's easy to get frustrated when it seems like able-bodied people don't volunteer, but the reality is that I'm getting lots of extra time with Isaac when they don't step up. I'm getting to see him interact with his classmates and other adults, and I'm getting to hang out with him during school hours when he'd otherwise be in the classroom.

Since I know as well as anyone that we never know what surprises this life may hold, I'm thankful for those extra moments.