May 13

I pray every year that Mother's Day will be gentle on my heart, and for the most part, it usually is. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tinged with a bit of melancholy. With that said, today was pleasant enough; I had pancakes in bed and received some really thoughtful gifts, and then it was off to church and the cemetery.

Afterward, Adam took Abby, Isaac, and Brady to visit his mom so I could have some alone-time. I think I used that time to take a nap last year, but this go-round, I headed off for a walk by myself. During my first pass around the Sports Park, I listened to music and cried a little behind my sunglasses. During a second pass, I turned off the tunes and opted to walk with Logan. I guess that sounds a little weird, but the idea came to mind and so I strolled in silence. He didn't talk to me, of course, and I couldn't hold his hand or ask him about his day, but I imagined what he'd look like and tried to figure out how tall he'd be and if our strides would match. And I thought about how his golden grin and blue eyes matched the sun and the sky, and I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes and tried to internalize the moment as best I could.

It still hurts, of course, and I imagine it always will. If I could change one thing about this life, I'd erase Logan's death. But of course, I can't do that, and I will never --on this side of Heaven-- understand why he didn't get better. But I will always be thankful for the gift of motherhood... even when it hurts.