August 31

It's late-start Wednesday which means that Brady's school day doesn't start until 9:41. So after we dropped Isaac at the high school (yep, it still feels weird writing that) he and I had a coffee date at the Mother Ship.

Okay, so it was coffee for me and ice water and a chocolate cake pop for him. But as my teenagers would say, we were vibin' at the 'Bux.

Or something like that.

Anyhow, it was, as is always the case, fun to have time with my baby. He's so funny and direct and quick-witted that I find myself laughing over his antics more often than not. Like when I told him that he should drink his ice water more elegantly, and he responded --without missing a beat-- by popping a pinky finger. I choked on my coffee. 

These moments are awesome blessings.

August 30

I often find the boys huddled close together, engaged in one activity or another.

So I wasn't surprised to find them in their customary position this afternoon as I walked by the living room. 

It's familiar and comfortable and it makes me smile to myself every time because I love that they're friends and that they genuinely love each other.

And I am grateful for that bond.

August 29

I wanted something sweet after dinner tonight but couldn't find much of anything in the pantry.

And then I remembered the bunny.

The giant peanut butter and chocolate bunny that appeared in Logan's Easter basket earlier this year. I have an affinity for peanut butter, so the assumption was that I would eat it. And I planned to, but kept forgetting it was available.

So tonight, I am grateful for this now-footless bit of deliciousness that I get to "share" with my Sunshine.

August 28

I'm always working on multiple crochet projects at a time, but this past week, I decided I wanted to make significant headway on one item in particular, so that's what I've been trying to do.

But then this morning, I hit a roadblock in the form of this rather complex knot. I worked at that knot for several hours, gently and gradually pulling and untwisting and loosening tension until little by little, the mess became... less of a mess. 

The experience seemed like a metaphor for life; the way we're faced with ugly, complicated trials that require effort and genuine dedication to successfully unravel and overcome.

And better yet, it reminded me of Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Loose translation? Just because I can't untie the knot doesn't mean HE can't. Now that's good news.

August 27

It dawned on me a few weeks ago that it's silly that Adam's brother Eric's family lives relatively close-by yet we rarely see them. So I texted Emily (my sister-in-law) and we arranged a time for them to come over for dinner and pool time. And that time was this afternoon.

They brought the pizza and the grown-ups sat on the deck and chatted while the cousins splashed in the pool and played hide and seek. 

It was, to put it simply, a lovely afternoon and now I'm wondering what on earth took us so long to make it happen. The busyness of life, I suppose.

Anyway, today, I am grateful for these little faces and for how Brady said to his youngest cousin "Melody, come stand next to me" and she did and he put his arm around her for the picture. And underpinning all of that, for time well-spent with family.

August 26

I felt a great sense of peace as I drove the boys home from school today.

As we came to a stop at a red light, I remarked that I was happy to have my cubs with me. I miss my girl, of course, and I'll always have a place reserved in my heart for Logan, but it's so wonderful to have the brositos within hugging distance.

So for that blessing, I am thankful.

August 25

I went on a mini cars-with-faces hunt today after my time at the Mother Ship.

And I actually found a new one. It'd been a while since that happened, so seeing it hanging there on a peg at Target made me smile. I immediately thanked Logan (and God, since I don't really know how all of that works) for the little hello. It always makes me really happy to think of him and his Cars.

And the Mentos? Well, those chewy little mints are just plain delicious, so they made me smile, too.

So yes: today I am grateful for the smallest of blessings.

August 24

Adam and I went to Brady's back to school night this evening. Here we are in sixth grade science class.

It's always an interesting experience to actually see our kids' teachers in person and to get a feel for the different personalities who impact them each day. That little window into their world is a blessing to a curious parent.

Also a blessing? We went out to dinner this evening after said-middle school event. It was a casual meal, but it was really good to be out together as a couple. 

August 23

It was a quiet day. Full of blessings, mind you, but not really the kind I'm at liberty to share or that lend themselves to easy photography. So I'll just share a shot of one thing I worked on today as I waited for the bell to ring at Brady's school and during a Zoom meeting I had this evening and now, as I sit in my spot in the family room watching TV.

What "it" is are the beginning rows of a blanket that I'm making. It's a new-to-me pattern and I'm enjoying the challenge thus far. I have no idea who it's for or when it'll be completed, but I can honestly say that the process of creating it is bringing me a sense of joy.

So for that creative process, I am thankful.

August 22

My mom sent me these pics. As it happens, she decided (without telling me) to enter the mini blanket I gave her for Christmas and the itty bitty doll that I whipped up and gave her when she was here last month in the county fair this past week. And this is how they fared.

The tiny purple hat on the doll's head placed fifth, which is totally okay by me because it literally look me five minutes to stitch. 

The blanket, conversely, placed first in its category. It was a nice bit of validation that despite my insecurities, I can still do quality work. 

Plus it was a fun punch of nostalgia: although I entered plenty of items in the fair when I was younger, I'm not sure adult-me had ever put my handiwork out there for critique. So it made me smile to remember the days I spent on the fairgrounds helping mom and grandma run the clothing section in the Home Arts building. (And rescuing lost balloons from the very, very high ceiling.)

It was a lovely reminder of summers gone by, and for that walk down memory lane, I am thankful.

August 21

Brady and the animal troupe plunked down on the couch next to me after dinner tonight to watch the O's game on TV.

It's sweet that he's still carrying them all around, so I decided I'd take a stealth pic of them just sitting together. But then he turned and gave me his big muffin grin and he looked so cute in his Pikachu hoodie that my heart skipped a few beats. 

He's in middle school now and definitely growing up, but he's still my baby. I know the little kid moments  will soon be a thing of the past, so I'm thankful for this one.

August 20

Abby video called us this evening.

Although she's been messaging us intermittently with amusing vignettes and the occasional play-by-play recap, it was so good to see her face and hear her voice. It seems like she's making friends and adjusting to life in Chicagoland, and I don't think I could be more grateful.

So for the gift of technology that allows us to be "with" others who are physically distant, I am thankful.

August 19

The rose bushes beside our garage doors smell so good right now.

I noticed the flowers several days ago but hadn't really stopped to admire their aroma until today when I went to get the mail and the scent literally stopped me in my tracks.

There's truly nothing quite like the fragrance of fresh roses. So for that olfactory gift on this warm Friday evening, I am grateful.

August 18

Yep, that's a screw in a tire. My tire.

I was mildly annoyed when a low tire pressure alert appeared on my dash after I started my car this morning. Earlier this week Isaac had noted a strange "tick, tick, tick" sound coming from the passenger side when the windows were rolled down and truthfully, I'd noticed it, too. But I'd hoped it was just a piece of tape or a leaf stuck in the tread.

Well, obviously it wasn't.

So potentially long story much shorter, Adam and I went to Costco this evening and had the tire center guys look at it (since it's where the tires came from). And, thankfully, they were able to patch it.

The experience served as a nice little reminder for me. I am, probably due to experience, something of a worrier. I wouldn't say that I'm the girl who cried wolf, but I'm most definitely a ruminator. I think (and overthink) about all outcomes. And I tend to venture into "worst case scenario" territory more often that I'd like to admit. But the reality is that sometimes, there truly are simple solutions to problems. So for that bit of truth (and for the bigger truth that regardless of how big the problem is, God is always in it with me -- I just have to remember to see Him) I am thankful.

August 17

Twenty years ago today, Adam and I stood before God and a collection of family and friends and promised to love one another no matter what. Tonight, we celebrated and reminisced over dinner at the Limewood Bar and Restaurant in the Oakland hills.

I'm not entirely sure what 24-year old us dreamed of back then, but what a what it has been. Twenty years of kids and homes and work and dance and binge-watching "Lost" and "24" and "Justified" and A's games and Little League and laughter and walks around the 'hood and pumpkin patches and Kauai and Christmases east and west. 

And, of course, there was searing loss and devastation and pain --so much pain that I wondered how I'd ever breathe again-- and then slowly, slowly, slowly, recovery and rediscovery and redevelopment and rebuilding. And then remembering, first with tears, and then more often than not, without. And then moving forward with mental photographs of all of those beautiful, painful, salient moments packed away in our life's luggage.

And underneath it all, even among the times of apparent disconnection, was love. Because ultimately, that's what holds a marriage together for 20 years. I don't mean the romantic, can't-live-without-you love that Hollywood peddles like a vendor at a flea market. No, it's dedication and consistency and flexibility and understanding and commiseration and devotion and bucking human nature by putting yourself last and patience and forgiveness and grace. Maybe more forgiveness and grace than anything else. And faith. Always, always faith. And holding one another up in faith.

So today, for all of that --for the light and fluffy years that melted away like cotton candy in the sun and the ones that hurt to look back on but taught me so, so much about life and care and genuine love-- I am grateful. Because 20 years of marriage is, at its core, a blessing.

August 16

This is how I found the boys at one point this afternoon.

It's not a super complete depiction of the situation since I caught them mid-wrestling match, but it's an accurate snapshot. And it's my newish norm. (Ish because they've always been crazy. The fact that I'm now here with just them amplifies that crazy. And because it was 106 degrees out today and I couldn't send them outside in that.)

Ah, boys, right? They may be crazy, but they're mine and I love them. So for those moments of crazy --even the ones that makes me step away for some sanity-time-- I am thankful. Because simply put, I'm just thankful that they're still continuing to grow.

August 15

Since Abby couldn't take everything she owns with her to college, she entrusted the care of a few of her stuffed animals, Blob and Maize, to Brady. And thus far, littlest brother is doing an admirable job with his assignment.

Whenever he brings BearBear and Chub (which, because I'm sure you've been saying it wrong all this time, is pronounced "Choob") downstairs, Maize and Blob come along for the ride. The happy quartet watches him play video games daily, and today while the boys were off at school, they sat together in one of our family room chairs.

I so love that Brady was willing to step in for his sister like this. That sweetness is such a blessing.

August 14

Isaac had baseball evaluations this morning, so Adam took him to those while Brady and I went to church.

After the service, we came home and had lunch at the kitchen table. As we ate, Brady scanned stories in his magazine.

It's funny, really, but I don't see a lot of kids actually reading magazines these days. I certainly did when I was young, but today's young generation, maybe not so much. And I rather enjoy watching him engage in an activity that I liked when I was his age.

So for that small blessing, I am thankful.

August 13

This image pretty much sums up my Saturday:

Yarn and a TV remote. The only thing missing is a receipt from a mid-afternoon shopping outing I took by myself (and yep, I missed my sidekick) and tennis shoes for the early-evening walk Adam and I took around the neighborhood.

Relaxed days are blessings, especially when it feels like life is moving impossibly quickly.

August 12

I was long overdue for some Nikki-time.

With all of our kids in school simultaneously for the first time --including my girl in college and her one and only girl in kindergarten-- we made it happen this morning.

We grabbed coffees and then took off for a leisurely jaunt around the Sports Park.

I tell you, hanging out with her is so good for my spirit and my heart. I found myself sliding back into chatterbox mode --which had been largely inactive over the past several months-- and it felt so good to just talk about anything and everything without fear of judgment. 

Secure, genuine friendship like ours is such a huge blessing, and I am grateful for that gift.

August 11

I love it when God communicates a truth to me in very clear fashion, and I really love it when I can pass that truth on to someone I love.

Abby boarded a bus bound for orientation camp in Wisconsin this afternoon. She texted me during the trip, mostly marveling over the extreme greenness of the grass in the fields (because #Californian) and the blue, blue sky overhead.

During a break in the exchange, I went into my quiet space to read my devotionals and, because I knew I needed to pick up the boys and worried I might fall asleep as I so often do, I took my phone with me.

When I began reading, I was immediately struck by the appropriateness of this particular entry, so I took a pic and sent it off to my girl, who is absolutely embarking on an adventure and facing it with mixed feelings. It was quite literally the perfect message for her today.

So today, I am thankful for God's provision and for this encouraging message I was able to pass on to my girl at just the right time. The entry may have been written long ago by the author, but it was read by me at the perfect time.

August 10

Phew. What a day.

The nuts and bolts, bare-bones version of events is:

1) Brady started middle school.

2) Isaac started high school.

3) Abby moved into her dorm room at Wheaton, went on a massive shopping trip with Adam, (the second or third such trip in as many days), and met her suitemates.

The deeper version is... wow. I don't even know how to express it. 

This is, in short, a lot of abrupt change for someone (me) who does not much care for change. But you know something crazy? It all feels pretty good. I feel at peace over all of it. (Okay, well, not with the school traffic situation. That still sucks. But God will no doubt use it to increase my patience.) And that's no small thing.

So I am thankful for that amazing yet inexplicable peace that's seeded itself in my heart. And I am also thankful that while I was sitting at Starbucks with Brady waiting to take him to school (because the Wednesday middle school start time this year is 9:41), Abby's now-retired second grade teacher walked in. So I said hello and told her that Abby was, at that very moment, moving into her college dorm room. And I showed her a picture and she smiled SO big and said Abby is so beautiful and that hearing that bit of news made her day. 

See, this particular teacher --Mrs. Beard-- was the teacher Abby had the year that Logan died. So I think, in a way, that she's probably always carried a little bit of concern for Abby around with her. Would she thrive? Would she be okay? I know that if I were the teacher of a child who had that experience I'd worry about her. So hearing that my girl is doing well and moving forward and growing into such a lovely young lady was probably great news indeed. 

I'm sorry this is disjointed; I'm tired. But I'm also so blessed, and so thankful. And I think sometimes joy is best expressed in disjointed little blurbs and anecdotes.

August 9

Tomorrow marked the final day of summer vacation for the brositos.

Brady's middle school orientation was last week before we went to Chicago, but today it was Isaac's turn to explore the high school. As I drove him over to his session, he admitted that he was a bit nervous. I assured him that he'd see his friends and get adjusted to being on a bigger campus over time. At the very moment he opened the door to get out, his longtime good friend Tyler rode by on his bike. Isaac visibly perked up, the two exchanged brief hellos, and my boy walked toward the building with a spring in his step. 

And I smiled to myself, because it's just like God to work that way. Isaac needed some reassurance, so who is the first person he sees on campus? One of his best friends. (And lest you may think this wasn't near-miraculous, the school has nearly 2,800 students so the odds of it happening were not high.) So I'm grateful for that mood-altering moment.

And I'm also grateful for a bit of news from Wheaton: Abby's roommate Hannah is an international students who hails from South Korea, so she was able to access their room a day early and sent Abby a photo. And guess what? My girl who was worrying over having to live in a tiny room with someone she hardly knows (like most college freshmen) was assigned a triple with just the one roommate, so they'll have significantly more space than she was expecting. And she's pretty darn happy about it. Given how concerned she'd been, I am so thankful for such an unexpected blessing.

God is indeed the supreme giver of good gifts, and both of these events reminded me of that truth today.

August 8

When Adam took this photo of us at Midway this morning shortly before the boys and I went down the escalator and through security to begin the journey back to California, Abby exclaimed "don't post that online! I'm crying!" But I had every intention of using it (as she full well knew I would) because it's real. And I do try to be real.

Truth be told, three of us were actively crying when this image was taken. Only Isaac remained stoic, though I could see tears pricking the corners of his eyes, too. And though the pain is real, it's also kind of beautiful, because sadness over separation means the love we all share is real and life-affirming.

I'll miss her like crazy in the coming months and I know things will be different from here on out, but I feel so at peace over where she is now. I just know that it's where she belongs and that she will thrive and grow and continue to develop into the young woman she was meant to be.

And for that, although the sadness is real and it's hard on my human heart, I am thankful.

August 7

It's becoming realer by the second.

It was rainy when we got up this morning, but we had tickets to the Cubs game so undeterred by the wet stuff, we drove into the city, walked over to Wrigley, went in, those of us over 21 (plus Abby) got our free Cubs Hawaiian shirts (woohoo for promo day!), and found our seats. It was more or less pouring at the time, but we made the best of the rain delay with hot dogs and nachos and a little dancing to the tunes playing in the stadium. 

The game started about an hour late and it rained intermittently and the Cubbies lost, but we were thoroughly entertained by the pomp and circumstance and tradition of the park. And we got Abby a brand new pink hat to celebrate her brand new city.

After the game ended, the kiddos walked hand-in-hand back to the rental car, and we headed back toward our home base. We stopped at Abby-favorite Chipotle for dinner before hitting up The Original Rainbow Cone for some ice cream. And then we navigated back to the hotel for the evening, where we all visited the fitness center (because apparently my kiddos love fitness equipment) and then settled into our rooms for the night.

So it's just me and my girl now. I fly home with the boys tomorrow, so it's my last evening alone with her, in person, for the next several months. I'm fighting back emotion as I write this and I'm sure that I'll lose that battle as soon as I close my laptop and look over at her on her bed. 

It's hard. Everyone I know who's sent a child off to college told me it would be and I believed them to an extent, but I wasn't sure how having lost Logan would color my experience. And now I can say with certainty that it's still hard and my heart still aches. But I'm so, so proud of her for taking this huge leap of faith by going to college here. I think it will be a time of incredible personal growth for her as long as she continues following Jesus and heeding His calls on her life. And for all of that, even amid my own feelings of sorrow, I am so grateful.

August 6

After our very late night, we got off to a slow start that began with a text from our next door neighbor telling me that there was water running down the street in front of our house. Fortunately she's awesome and offered to check it out, and got back to me a few minutes later to report that someone left the hose that feeds our little waterfall and pond running. Oops. But an easy fix, so thank God for helpful, observant neighbors.

After a wee round of back and forth, we headed out for brunch at an IHOP a few towns over and a Walmart drive-by before driving back to Wheaton for the male folks' first glimpse of Abby's new stomping grounds. It was a lovely but brutally hot and muggy day (102 factoring in the humidity when I checked) in Wheaton, so save a few stray people wandering about campus, we were mostly alone as we showed ourselves around. Our travels took us to lots of different places, including the sign (of course), her dorm, and the science building, where we all posed with Perry the Mastadon, the school mascot. 

Hot, sweaty, and dehydrated, we left campus and found a Sonic for some refreshments before returning to the hotel, where the boys were determined to check out the fitness center and weight room. 

And then it was on to dinner at a nearby Giordano's. And now the boys are in their hotel room, which adjoins the room that Abby and I are sharing, and my girl and I are scanning the TV channels for a terrible movie to watch. (It's an us-thing.)

And that, dear ones, is my Saturday. There are scores of unnoted emotions that course through the undertow of this entry, but right now, I'm simply not in a processing mood. So I'll keep it simple and just say that for today and the good time we had together, I am grateful.

August 5

I'm currently caught in that weird space between emotional and physical exhaustion that often leaves me wired and rambling incoherently, so my apologies in advance if that comes to pass.

We began our day in Pleasanton (as evidenced by Abby and Isaac over there to the left in the kitchen giving each other bunny ears while one enjoyed a mocha cookie crumble frap and the other polished off his third corn dog of the morning). 

We fetched Brady a wee bit early from the last day of his day camp and after some tears (and swallowed tears), we headed off to Oakland airport, where we parked out in the middle of nowhere in the economy lot (seriously, I have no idea if I'll be able to find the car on Monday) and lugged our stuff to the terminal to board a flight to Chicago.

The flight boarded without incident and no one threatened anyone thus forcing us all to deplane so I was very nearly fooled into thinking it would actually depart on time, but no: we sat on the jetway for 20 minutes waiting to take off. Oh well. I sat with the boys in the second to last row of the plane while Adam and Abby --who was inexplicably gifted with a berth in the A-boarding group while the rest of us schmoes were relegated to mid-B territory-- were significantly closer to the front.

The flight itself was okay, save the 20 minutes late thing, but then when we finally landed at Midway, a delayed plane was parked at our gate and there were eight other recent arrivals hungrily hunting a place to deplane, so we sat for another 45 minutes on the jetway waiting for a spot to open up. 

One that finally happened (and the people in the front of the plane finally moved, geez), Adam went off to get the rental car while the rest of us waited in the most jam-packed baggage claim area I've ever seen --there were hundreds of people waiting, some of whom displayed that hopeless body language that suggested they'd been there for hours-- and at least 15 flights listed on the not-moving carousels. But eventually our flight flashed IN and the carousel moved and courtesy of God's grace and Isaac's strength (seriously, he's a stud. He could see over people and dead-lift bags over their heads with apparent ease. I love having a tall, athletic 14-year old at my beck and call), we made our way out to the curb with our 15 (slight exaggeration) bags and found Adam and hit the road for the hotel.

And that's where I am now. It's nearly 1 AM Pacific time --so 3 AM here-- and I'm both utterly exhausted and completely wired. Not a great combo. But we're here, and we fortunately have no concrete plans for tomorrow. So I'm going to try to get to sleep now, feeling thankful to be with my girl as she gets ready to begin this next extremely exciting chapter of life. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

August 4

Today is Abby's last full day in California for several months, so we observed the occasion with dinner at Black Bear followed by frosty cones at the Dairy downtown.

As I sit here looking over at her doing her orientation prep homework (lucky girl) on the couch across the room, it amazes me to think that we're already here. She'll be 18 in a few months. And tomorrow, she's off to the town that she's intending to call her home-away-from-home for the great majority of the next four years. Life is about to change in a very big way for all of us and... well, I guess that for once, I don't have the words.

While I'm sad that it's time for my one and only girl to take flight, I'm so proud of who she is who she's becoming because she's pretty amazing. God has blessed her with more unique talents than I can count and I can't wait to see them bloom. And I just know that she'll meet awesome people who will become lifelong friends during her time at Wheaton, too. And for those blessings in store for her, I am so thankful.

August 3

The temps were higher than I like this afternoon, but by the time the evening hours rolled in, it was lovely outside. So we ate our In N Out --Abby's pick, since she's trying to have as many not-available-in-Chicago faves as possible before she heads to college-- out on the deck.

And then after dinner, there was sibling hijinks involving the pool and BearBear. 

I just sat (well, by that point more like laid) in my chair enjoying the breeze and the blue skies as I watched them interact.

Not very exciting and certainly not a unique experience, but very special nonetheless.

August 2

This evening marked this year's National Night Out, so we joined a number of our neighbors in the cul de sac for appetizers and chit-chat.

A pair of police cars came by this go-round to mix and answer questions. One officer and a pair of Explorer Cadets even stuck around until after the glow of daylight had long since given way to the still of darkness.

I've said it before but it's still true so I'll go ahead and repeat myself: we're blessed to live on a street with so many kind and entertaining people. So for that nugget of goodness, I am thankful.

August 1

When I got home from my Bible study this morning, Abby greeted me with 'mummy!' and a hug. Then she told me she wanted to go get a sandwich from the Bagel Cafe. So, after a brief downtime, we transformed that desire into a reality.

As we made the short trip, I was conscious that it would be one of our last such-excursions for the next several months because we take her to Chicago to begin The College Years later this week.

Time has flown by, folks. Everyone always said it would, starting back when she was a tiny baby wearing a lacy headband and a blue dress in her bucket seat at Costco and an older women peered in at her, smiled, and remarked that she'd be grown before I knew what had happened.

A lot (lot) has happened in the years since, but one constant as we muddled through the storms has always been that this girl was a daily fixture in my life. That will change and we'll have to find different ways to connect, of course, but I'm still excited for her future and for how our relationship will evolve. It makes me sad to think that things won't be the same because I've never been one to enthusiastically embrace change, but I am so grateful for what will be, because I just know it will be great.