July 31

Ten years ago today, I gave birth to my first little boy. An initially unidentified milk protein sensitivity made his first few months on the outside incredibly difficult for both him and for us, but after we sorted it out and I made some dietary adjustments, he turned into a happy, adventurous little guy who made me smile like no one else could. And today, we celebrated Logan's 10th birthday without him.

It was a pleasant enough day, with blue skies overhead and the air less oppressively warm than has been the recent trend. In the morning hours, I smiled until my cheeks hurt as we watched video from Logan's birthdays gone by. Then Adam baked the cake --chocolate-- and Abby helped the Little Boys to make paper flowers for Logan's grave. Then we headed off to lunch at Red Robin and to Party City to pick up some balloons. Then we visited the cemetery and released the balloons to contribute to his party in Heaven, "planted" the colorful pipe cleaner-and-construction-paper blooms in the ground, and left a Jeff Gorvette car-with-a-face with the other small contingent of cars that keeps watch over his grave.

We came home and after I frosted the cake --with chocolate icing, of course-- the kiddos did the decorating and blew out the candles. As has become our custom, we gave each of them a small gift. Then it was a mini Phineas and Ferb marathon and out to dinner at Outback, where we all --including Lambie, thanks to Brady's sweet gesture-- enjoyed some of that good brown bread with white butter that Logan enjoyed so much.

And now, the day is nearly over and his siblings are tucked into their beds. It's been an okay day; there were Corvette sightings and a Hot Wheels car with a cool and unexpected flame job and notes from friends and a sweet little mini rose plant on our front porch, which all made my heart leap. I don't know that I can ever say this his birthdays are "good" days since he's not here to celebrate with us and that's a stark, cruel truth, but it was a blessing for us to be together remembering our time with him.

Happy 10th birthday, my Sunshine. I love you so much.

July 30

Abby and I went window shopping this afternoon. I didn't really have a destination in mind when we left, but we wound up at Toys R Us perusing the cars and My Little Pony sections. I hadn't seen new Cars with Faces (and I still hear Logan's voice in my head when I write that) in some time, so I was pleased to find not just one, but three, including one of the very rare Super Chase variety.

In the eight years I've been buying Pixar Cars, I'd found just two of them in stores before today, so finding another --especially on the eve of Logan's 10th birthday-- was special. I know that in whatever way it was possible, it was from him; even Abby said so.

A small but meaningful gift from the birthday boy to us.

July 29

I mentioned it before, but Logan's birthday is Sunday. It seems like fewer people remember it each year, but today, I got a card in the mail.

It wasn't a birthday card, per se (because it's not my birthday, after all) but it was perfect for the occasion and it made my heart smile to know that my friend --our friend, really-- remembered him. Even better, she scribbled a great Bible verse inside that made me think (which is, for better or worse in the interim, always a good thing in the long run).

So yeah. Today, I'm extra mindful that friends are golden, and that friends who go the extra mile when they don't have to are platinum.

July 28

I promised Abby that we'd get ice cream at the Dairy at some point this summer, and with the clock ticking and the mercury still high, this morning seemed like as good a time as any to fulfill that request. After we'd secured the cones, I decided to drive to the little park downtown where we had ice cream four years ago for some abbreviated play time (it was hot out, after all!) and to recreate this old photo:

In case it hasn't always been obvious, I'm a photo person. I love looking back at times gone by. I love how something as simple as an image can jog a compete memory: not just how something looked, but how it smelled and how it tasted and how it made me feel. So the act of having the kiddos actually cooperate and pose for me so I could re-live that moment was a blessing to me today.

July 27

It's been hot this week. Like really uncomfortably hot. And the air quality is awful, too, so it's a double whammy of sorts. And for me, it's actually a triple whammy, because the heat stirs up vivid memories of myself 10 years ago, when I was just days away from giving birth to Logan.

Way back then during this week in 2006, the temps rose higher than they are now, topping out at close to 120 degrees when the sun hit its highest point in the sky and dropping into the 90s at night. I remember that it felt like I was breathing through a sock whenever I went outside. But I had a fully-ready baby in my belly, so though I was probably extra specially cranky --especially when our air conditioner quit and I filled the bathtub with ice cubes to try to keep myself and my then 20-month old Abby cool-- the promise of that new little person who was primed to join us on the outside made everything exponentially better.

I miss him every day. I miss him on Christmas and on Easter and on the first day of school and when we go on vacation and when I peek into the room he shared with Isaac and see his empty bed against the wall. And I'll miss him even more when he's not here to celebrate his 10th birthday on Sunday. But part of me is thankful that every time I get into the car, I see that triple-digit temp and remember the days leading up to his birth.

I may have been uncomfortable on this day 10 years ago, but my Sunshine was with me; still in my womb and literally close to my heart. And I'm thankful to have such distinct memories of that time.

July 26

Brady spent part of the afternoon on the family room floor setting up a game. He painstakingly cut out 'tokens' from a sheet of paper and then arranged his Skylanders figures in lines on the carpet. Then he summoned me to play with him.

It was obvious from the get-go that this was a Brady Original. He explained the "rules" to me in rapid, endearingly enthusiastic five-year old speak that made my head spin. Though it made me more than a little bit tired and I had a hard time keeping up with the stream-of-consciousness chatter and ever-changing gameplay requirements, I couldn't help but marvel over both his creativity and his ability to think on his feet. He may be my baby, but he's certainly not a baby anymore.

I say it all the time, but seeing the kiddos grow and change and create and reason their way through various situations and circumstances? All huge blessings.

July 25

The summer is absolutely flying by and I'm dismayed that school starts three weeks from today. Three weeks! I'm sure there are parents reading this who absolutely can't wait to usher their little ones out the door, but I'm not part of that camp. My experience has colored my view on time with the kiddos; even when they bicker endlessly and drive me another tick toward insanity, I'm always conscious that we're not promised endless time here on earth. So I take it with a grain of salt and at least an attempt at gratitude -- at least they're here to drive me nuts. But that's me. Not everyone has my perspective and that's okay. Or at least I say it is. Truthfully, it breaks my heart a little when someone complains about how much her kid annoys her and how much she cannot wait for school to start, because I'd give so much to have Logan around to bother me.

Anyhow, I got up this morning, and realized that we're running out of free Mondays, so I decided to take the kids out for brunch.

It was just another brunch at Black Bear. We've gone a few times this summer and each time, they've been well-behaved and we've had a nice time talking and eating and playing the little games on the kids' menus.

Every meal I get to share with them is a blessing.

July 24

After feeling tender-tummied for the past week, I decided I was ready to have some gelato this evening. And oh, was it good stuff!

We don't have peanut allergies in our family, and that's a very good thing because I love peanut butter and chocolate. It's probably my favorite flavor combo of all time. So I bought this peanut butter/chocolate gelato hoping that it would be good, and I wasn't disappointed. Even better, it's so rich that it would be hard for me to eat more than the suggested serving size.

Anyway, it was just a nice reminder that good things are quite often worth a bit of patience.

July 23

While Adam and I were at the wedding yesterday, Brady was at my in-laws' house being sick. Given that I've been dealing with vomit for more than a week now (and given my extensive history of dealing with said bodily fluid), I can't say that I was sorry to miss out on it, but I was sorry that I wasn't on hand to comfort him as he suffered. So when he camped out on the couch after getting home this morning, I plunked down next to him --my head close to his and my hand touching his little hand-- and we watched Cars 2.

Emotional comfort is an incredibly precious thing. While it's a blessing to receive it from someone else, it's just as big a blessing to be able to provide it to someone in need.

Given how broken this world is --and I'm reminded of that truth multiple times every single day-- it's a relief to know that it's still possible to make someone's day better just by being in it.

July 22

My friend (and the boys' preschool teacher) Corie got married today, so Adam took the kids up to his parents' house for the night so we could go and stay for the duration.

Weddings are pretty incredible things. Every time I attend one, I sit and watch and think back on my own wedding --almost 14 years ago!-- and marvel over the way God orchestrates life; how He places us in locations we'd have never imagined for ourselves and brings us through different trials and gifts us with relationships with one another. The number of marriages that He's orchestrated is pretty amazing, if you consider how many people have walked the face of the earth throughout history.

It wound up being a lovely evening; the bride was gorgeous, the ceremony was lovely, and the company was great. (I cannot tell you how much I adore our preschool family; even though we've aged out of SLP, family they'll always be to me.) Congratulations to Corie and Derek! God bless you both as you formally begin your life as one!

July 21

Poor Isaac was hit by the sick stick late last night. He was feeling better early today, but had a setback late-morning and wound up going upstairs for a long nap. This is how I found him when I went to see how he was doing:

It's hard to see, but the book he fell asleep reading (while wearing his shorts! They're there; just can't see them in the pic!) is a Bible.

He has probably 50 books right there by his bedside. I love that when he felt awful, he picked up the Bible and started reading it. He's a good boy at heart and I'm blessed to be his mom.

July 20

We had a relatively quiet day here. I didn't take notice of anything in particular, so I snapped this shot from my current position a few minutes ago.

I'm not accomplishing anything at all; just watching old TV reruns. But downtime is a blessing, and I'm appreciating it.

July 19

After many failed attempts, Abby and H were finally able to get together to say their "see ya laters" today. It came just in time, because H moves away tomorrow.

Before H and her mom picked her up to go to lunch, I gave Abby a camera and told her to be sure to take pictures because she'll want them later. And fortunately, she did just that. (She even got some lovely shots of H's mom, haha!) Selfies, pictures of them at lunch and in the car and around town.

I know they'll miss each other, but I'm thankful that they got a chance to say farewell after all.

July 18

I came down with Abby's stomach virus late this morning. It suuuuucks. But it's had an unanticipated side effect: it's reminded me of what love really is.

Love is a daughter who asks what you need every half hour and brings you cold ginger ale with a smile. Love is a mother-in-law who drives way out of her way to take the Little Boys to their first day of swimming class and doesn't blink when she shows up just as you're aggressively vomiting in the kitchen sink. Love is a husband who comes homes from work early so you can go hide in your room, handles a call to a repairman that you were supposed to take care of, and checks in every hour to see if you need anything else (and then brings you ice chips when you ask). Love is little boys who quietly come into your room to say good night and it's one of them very sincerely telling you that he hopes you feel better tomorrow.

I hate being sick. I really hate throwing up. But I'm thankful for these reminders that quite frankly, I desperately needed.

July 17

My plants are coming along nicely.

I was really gratified when I checked on them this afternoon and found that the first little (and completely adorable) bean pod had sprouted. It's (literally) a very small thing, but it made me happy to realize that my quest to grow some food for my family is starting to become fruitful. It's a blessing.

July 16

Since Abby was up all night throwing up, she spent her day lying on the couch watching My Little Pony while I took the Little Boys out for our usual Saturday lunch at our usual haunt. It was crowded when we arrived, so we had to wait a few minutes for a table, but once we did, we settled into the routine and the coloring began.

The front side of the place mats feature a picture that the kids are theoretically supposed to color in, but not my kids. They prefer to be creative on the wide open canvas that's the back side. I never know what they'll choose to draw; some weeks it's ninjas, others, it's animals. I'm still not exactly sure what Isaac was drawing today (though I suspect it had something to do with the video game they were playing before we left the house), but when I looked over, I was gratified to see the word 'love' on the page.

Because we all need love.

July 15

Today started of well enough, with more of our Gilmore Girls marathon and then a trip to the library. At some point, Abby disappeared to her room, which in and of itself isn't an uncommon occurrence. Then dinnertime rolled around and she came downstairs and sprawled across the couch. She didn't even attempt to touch her food and in fact seemed repulsed by it. And then she ran to the bathroom and the vomiting began. (Sorry. It's just my reality.) I was justifiably annoyed; after all, when these bugs hit our house, I almost never escape unscathed. Adam? Definitely. Isaac? Hardly ever goes down. Brady? A little less fortunate, but hey, he's young and they're like little petri dishes. But me? I've historically caught everything, so the idea of a virus in my house... disturbing.

So I ventured out to Target to buy ginger ale, crackers, and applesauce (and disinfectant spray. I felt a sudden need for disinfectant spray). As I pulled into the parking lot, I looked over and saw this in the distance:

The sun's bright, late-day rays beaming off of the side of a beautiful yellow Corvette (which, of course, was Logan's signature kind of car).

It may seem silly, but in that moment, I had a realization that though this is a frustrating situation, the sun still shines, and it will be okay in a few days. So I took a breath, thanked God, and sent up a wave to my sweet boy.

July 14

My kids are good at many things and have plenty of strengths, but having patience isn't typically something at which they excel. That's why this sight was so intriguing.

When I arrived to pick up the kids from VBS today, Abby and one of the little boys in her group were walking toward the coin donation box. The little guy had a zipper bag filled with coins, and I heard her tell him that he'd need to open the bag and drop them into the slot one at a time. So that's just what he did. And it took a really, really, really long time.

I watched, utterly amused, as Abby watched him slowly retrieve coin after coin from his little baggie. She never rushed him and didn't fidget; nope, she stood there, patiently watching as he made his deposit. When he finally finished, she walked him back to their classroom to rejoin the other children.

It made me smile to see her exercising so much patience in the face of what could've been a frustrating circumstance. It's a gift to see her growing up.

July 13

I looked up this afternoon at a random moment and saw this:

The Little Boys, lying side by side on the carpet and playing a game together is sweet enough to be noteworthy in and of itself. But what makes it extra sweet is that Isaac is clutching Roary, his buddy. I'm thankful that my big eight-year old isn't too big for the buddy we gave him when he was a newborn.

July 12

I met a relatively new friend at Starbucks for coffee today. She didn't know it, but all of the meds I'm taking right now gave me a terrible stomachache this morning, so after I dropped the kiddos at VBS, I dragged myself home and fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Fortunately, the day's first blessing was made well in advance, as we'd agree to meet much later than I usually meet friends for coffee, so I actually felt pretty good by the time we got together.

I could've whipped out my camera phone, but it feels a little weird to be like 'hey, God is speaking to me through you right now; can I take a pic?' so I figured this generic image of my cup would work.

Anyhow, it's always a blessing to me to have one on one time with friends. I'm not a raging extrovert, but I get lonely and feel isolated at times, and having the opportunity to swap war stories (so to speak) with others who are in --or have been in-- similar situations is comforting to my soul.

July 11

The kiddos began VBS today, and it was something of a hallmark occasion for me because for the first time, Abby was a volunteer rather than a helper. (And just so the photo isn't completely random, it was also Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven and my half-birthday. That's right: I'm halfway to another birthday. Cue the streamers. Moving along....)

She's assigned to the preschool/kindergarten room for the week. I wasn't entirely sure how she'd do, but I felt a great sense of pride when I picked her up in the afternoon and the group leader told me how natural she'd been with a few of the little ones in her care.

A good start to a new week is always a blessing!

July 10

Abby's friend H is moving to southern California in a few weeks, so I didn't mind when she asked if they could sit together at church this morning. I turned around and saw them --and their friend G-- smiling and chatting during worship, and my heart sighed a bittersweet little sigh.

H has, over the years, been a good, reliable friend to my daughter. She comes from a truly wonderful family, and I know Abby will miss her very much. I don't fault them one bit for following God's plan for them; it's what they should do.

But my heart breaks a little for my girl, who's seen far too many of her best friends leave over the years. The biggest loss by far, of course, was her Logan. In fact, she was lamenting earlier today during a girls'-only Starbucks run that Isaac and Brady have each other and Adam and I have each other, but Logan is gone, so she doesn't have that special bond with someone else. She's the odd one out.

It's hard to know what to say when she says things like that, because she's not entirely wrong. And I'm sure that every time someone she cares about leaves, she remembers how Logan left and how her friend M left and how things went so wrong with her ex-good friend I. She's experienced a lot of loss. But today, I'm celebrating her friendship with H, and praying for more good girlfriends to come her way in the future.

July 9

We were out walking this evening when I saw this.

It's just a few rays of late-day sunshine filtered through the leaves of a random tree along an otherwise dark line of fence, but it strikes me as more than that. It's a reminder that even amid the darkness, there are points of bright, beautiful, entrancing light. And we all need to look for those points of light.

July 8

After I finally got up this morning (yes, all four of the kids under my roof were up before me. I feel the shame.), I took everyone out for brunch at Black Bear Diner. And of course, amusement ensued, because that's what happens when I take kids out for meals.

I'm not sure why Abby decided to bring that big flower with her, but she did, and she used it to create a pretty funny random photo opp, even if I do say so myself. I don't have any really wise words to accompany this one, other than to say these moments of levity are blessings, and I'm glad I caught this one.

July 7

Abby's long-time friend B is sleeping over tonight.

She joined us mid-afternoon, and since then, the girls have hung out in Abby's room, played Disney Infinity on the Wii, played Animal Jam, interacted with the Little Boys, had dinner, and giggled over ice cream. Right now, they're watching Shrek the Musical and dancing around the family room.

As I sat with them while they played a claw machine game on their respective computers --I unfairly call it parallel play, because they were chatting and laughing the whole time-- I realized how much I love watching them get older. And I love that even though they've known each other since they were in the same kindergarten class and have had many other good buddies come and go along the way, they're still friends. Knowing that they have each other to help navigate the tricky pre-teen years is an amazing blessing to this mom's heart.

July 6

Look! More food!

But seriously, our apple tree --which was dormant last year-- is absolutely overstuffed with tiny fruit, and has been for a few months now. I didn't grow up with fruit-bearing trees --gardens were more my thing-- so I wasn't quite sure when to deem them ready for human consumption, but this morning I threw caution to the wind and plucked the very first one from its branch.

Given my aforementioned apple-related ignorance, I wasn't sure what to expect, and since my sense of taste is pretty blunted courtesy of my never-ending sinus issues, I had the kiddos taste test the little thing. The verdict? A little on the tart side, but good and flavorful.

I love that I can take 15 steps into my yard and pick a snack for my children. It's a blessing that is easily overlooked, but it's definitely a sweet one.

July 5

It's nice to be home. We were up in the mountains at Adam's parents' cabin for the long weekend. It would've been more fun had I been feeling better, but the kiddos had a good time playing lots of different games and it was nice to just be away from civilization for a little while.

In the back of my mind, though, I worried over how my little bean plants would handle not being watered for four days. I assumed they'd shrivel up in my absence, but this is what I found when I got home and went out back to check on them:

Not brown, not wrinkled, and most definitely not dead. Better yet, they're all larger and healthier-looking than they were when I left them on Friday.

It's always lovely when I'm the recipient of a pleasant surprise, and especially the kind of pleasant surprise that reminds me of God's provision for all life -- even something as seemingly insignificant as a couple of fledgling backyard bean plants.

July 4

We had another low-key day. After a morning walk, we hung out for a while before Brady decided that he wanted to go outside to add to his nature collection. So I decided to go with him for a little while.

It was fun watching him flit to and fro as he gathered stones and sticks and leaves and seed pods. He explained his rationale for each selection. He was just so cheerful that it was impossible not to smile.

I got down on the ground and snapped this pic just because I thought the contrast of his size and the trees' size was impressive, but I didn't see the glint of rainbow until I went back and looked at it later on. It was almost like Logan was right there with his little brother, skipping along beside him as he helped him to choose his wares. A blessed idea indeed.

July 3

I still feel poorly, so this will be brief. We went for a walk in the forest this morning. The kids all found walking sticks and the Little Boys compared themselves to the growing baby trees that were all around.

A beautiful day in a beautiful setting with terrific people: the makings of a very pleasant and blessed experience, if you ask me.

July 2

When my allergies flare and my sinuses get involved, misery results. So between the pain and the swelling and the crankiness, today wasn't the best day ever. It wasn't even particularly good, so I had to try hard to look for the bright spots. This was one of them:

After dinner, the kiddos and Adam decided to play Monopoly. (The aforementioned illness combined with my general disdain for that particular game left me happily assuming spectator status.) It's amusing to watch their individual styles of play; to see how cautious Abby is when it comes to buying property, how Brady gets cocky, and how Isaac seems to carefully weigh his decisions. And then there are the side games, with Brady joining 'dad's team' after he ran out of money, and Abby giving Brady's beloved BearBear his own voice (as she so often does). (I always say that she's destined to voice a demented cartoon character some day.)

It's good to see them growing up and continuing to develop their own unique personalities.

July 1

I've mentioned this a few times now, but I'm watching Gilmore Girls with Abby this summer.

I always wanted to have a little girl. I wanted a girl so badly, in fact, that I convinced myself that she was a boy while I was pregnant with her (we didn't find out the gender in advance with any of the kids except Brady) and was genuinely shocked when 'he' was a 'she.'

So anyway, I watched GG faithfully during its initial run, and always thought it would be fun to watch it with my own daughter. And I'm actually getting to do it, and Abby loves it. Not every aspect of my life has gone the way I wanted it to, but I'm thankful that this little desire became a reality.