December 31

It's been quite a long while since I've been sad to see a year end, but I can honestly say that 2017 has been a good one for me. I feel like I'm finishing this year comfortable with myself and with who I was made to be, and given how much of my existence has been plagued by insecurity and anxiety over how others view me, that's a pretty big deal. (And truthfully, it's kinda-sorta miraculous.)

I finished my year with a mini-reunion with some ladies from my junior high days. I don't think I'd seen any of them in person in more than 20 years, though I'd kept up with most via social media. It was quite a lot of fun (and maybe a wee bit jarring) to just sit and talk about our lives and to realize that though two decades have passed and we've all experienced various forms of personal strife, we're still who we were when we were 13 years old -- just a little older and immeasurably wiser. I left feeling privileged to be part of a group comprised of such strong, capable women.

Then this evening, we headed back to my brother's house for dinner and to eat the cheesecake we made yesterday. I loved watching the kiddos and their cousins goof around; they have this natural energy when they're together that just makes me smile.

As this year comes to a close and I finish up five years (!) of this blog, I wish all of you a blessed 2018, and I encourage you --no matter how your future may look right now-- to look for God in every day and in every situation, because He'll be there.

December 30

We awoke this morning to what I'd call a heavy dusting of snow on the ground, so of course my Northern California-native children couldn't get outside fast enough to frolic.

After throwing snow at each other (and I say "snow" and not "snowballs" because it was most definitely not of the packing variety), running around the circle, and making snow angels, we set off for my brother Bobby's house to make a peppermint cheesecake (the girls) and play video games (the boys. Yes, stereotypical, but totally true).

Then we capped off the day by going to dinner en masse. In a stroke of genius, we had the kids sit at one end of the table and the adults at the other, which meant we could enjoy our southwest burgers and wraps and fish and chips and crab cake sandwiches (since I never miss a chance to have Maryland crab when I'm home -- mmm, mmm, good!) in peace.

All in all, it was a very nice day with family.

December 29

Back before my grandpa died in 2009, both he and my grandma would come to our post-Christmas photo shoots. Since then, however, my grandma has opted out. So when my mom came by today to pick up Abby and me to go shopping, I had to pause to take this photo of four generations of women:

Me (39), Abby (13), mom (71), and grandma (95).

I'm no fool; I know that we won't have many more chances to take this particular picture during this all-too human lifetime of ours. But I'm glad that I had the opportunity to do so today (and I'm thankful for the chuckle I got when my grandma saw me pull out my phone and lamented 'are we taking another selfie?!' Funny lady, she can be).

I'm thankful for all of the ladies in this image: for my mom for pouring so much of herself into raising me, for my grandma for being around so much when I was a kid, and for my daughter for being the amazing, bright, and talented young woman she is -- and for being the next strong woman in this line of remarkable gals. I may not see eye to eye with all of them all the time, but they've all had tremendous roles in helping to shape me into the person I am today. So for all of them, I'm very thankful.

December 28

Today I got to catch up with my long-time friend Jen and her family. (Abby's not pictured because she was at my brother's house following a sleepover with the cousins.)

We headed over to their house late this morning and had lunch with Jen, John, Katie, Josh, and Matthew. Then the kiddos headed off to play (inside, of course, since today's daytime high was a whopping 20 degrees) while the adults had some time to talk.

I met Jen quite a long time ago, back when we rode the bus to junior high (and high school; she was two years ahead of me). (Though she would argue that she 'met' me in elementary school when I read more books than her during a read-a-thon. But that's neither here nor there.) Anyway, I always enjoy visiting her when I come back home. She has a great heart and an even greater faith, and I'm so thankful that we're still in touch --even if we only touch base every now and then-- because long-term friends are truly like gold.

December 27

We began our day by frolicking in some unexpected snow flurries. My kids have had very limited exposure to frozen precipitation, so they found the falling flakes --and the sub-freezing temps-- exhilarating (until they decided they were way too cold). And I found the quiet stillness and the beautiful patterns of the flakes to be a mix of calming and fascinating.

But today wasn't all about snowflakes. My grandma had recruited me to drive her to a dental appointment, so at 1PM, Abby and I did just that, and then went off to do some shopping until her 4PM pick-up time. My girl had her first Jerry's cheesesteak, which she proclaimed quite good, and then we wandered from shop to shop until it was time to head to our starting point.

When we got home, I found a trio of balloons tied to my grandma's mailbox, two emblazoned with '40' and the other, 'It's a Girl.' Then in the garage, I found a mylar balloon also referencing 40. (Lest I've not mentioned it here, I'll be 40 in a little over two weeks, so this was Adam's first go at celebrating said milestone.)

We then went off for an early family birthday dinner at Buca di Beppo. The evening wasn't without its frustrations; for one, the hatch on the Suburban popped open unexpectedly as we turned down a country road, and I saw a quartet of balloons that he'd hidden in the back exit and float skyward (which was confusing since I hadn't realized there were more balloons). I was disappointed until Adam pointed out that maybe Logan was trying to make himself part of the celebration, since at his first birthday party, the big Thomas the Tank Engine balloon we'd gotten for him came loose and flew off. (We joked at the time that it was simply heading back to Sodor to once again be a very useful engine.) Then the restaurant staff did a terrible job of making me feel like a celebrant: the service was sub par, they didn't sing (even though they sang for plenty of others!), and they screwed up the cake he'd pre-ordered. So I felt kind of yucky by the time we got in the car to head home. I mean, I was thankful for Adam's effort, but just disappointed that it didn't pan out as I'd hoped.

But then we came back to grandma's house. I popped my head in the boys' room to check on them and found only Brady, so I wandered out to the family room. And there I found Isaac sitting on my grandma's knee watching an old Carol Burnett show rerun. They were both smiling and enjoying the moment, and it made me smile. This life, it's a fleeting thing. Birthdays are fun and I always love attention, but the moments lived between the birthdays are the ones that are really special. So for that little reminder, I'm thankful.

December 26

Every two years --when we're back in MD for Christmas-- we take family photos and then go out to lunch as a group, so that's what we did this morning. There were many (many) configurations captured, but this is one of the entire group -- my mom, her husband, my brothers, my sister-in-law, and all of the kiddos (or as close to "all" as is physically possible, anyway):

Since we take these images so infrequently, it's kind of fun to look back and see how we've all changed (or not changed) over the past 13 years (because we took our first set back in 2004, when the first kids of the bunch --the now 13-year olds, Brendan and Abby-- were babies).

Very simple family time, but a tradition that I really do enjoy. (And a tradition that will hopefully continue on in the future.)

December 25

Maryland Christmases are always busy-busy, and the 2017 version of the day upheld that norm in fine fashion. We began our day at my Grandma's house by opening presents and enjoying our customary cinnamon rolls. (Thank you, Pillsbury Dough Boy.) From there we headed to my brother Bobby's place, where we had a delicious brunch prepared by my sister-in-law and then opened presents from my mom. Then it was off to my Aunt Kathy's house, where we spent some time with my dad's side of the family. Then it was back to Bobby's to finish opening gifts (which included a marshmallow gun and mini drones so you can probably guess what happened there), and then finally back to our home base, where some of us promptly fell asleep and others finished hitting her daily step goal by trolling around the house before enjoying a glass of eggnog. I probably took more than 100 pictures, but these more or less sum it all up:

I sometimes lament the fact that I don't have a really tight-knit family, but I have to say that I'm thankful that we have a good time when we all get together. It's a blessing to watch the kiddos play with their cousins and to realize what a natural synergy they actually have when they're together. I always mentally insert Logan into the picture and it will always hurt that he's not here physically, but I know that in a way, he's "here" in his siblings and his cousins. And I also know that thanks to the blessing of Christmas, we'll all be together again one day.

Merry Christmas!

December 24

It was another late-ish to rise kind of day for us. We had a little bit of very last minute shopping to finish, so we did that late this morning (see photo of Abby outside Walmart, laughing with a genuineness I love seeing from her as she stuffed her purchases under her sweatshirt before we went back to the car so the boys wouldn't see them), and then went on to lunch at Roy Rogers before heading back to home base to put up and decorate the little Christmas tree. (Fun fact: the mini tree that we use while we're here was actually mine when I was growing up. The large photo in the collage features my goofball family showing off their 'wonder' faces. Not even remotely contrived, said no one ever. But funny.)

My brother Charlie flew in early this afternoon, so after extended text exchanges with both of my brothers, he joined us for his first dinner of the evening (lasagna), some chatting, and the taking of our customary 'vacuous' photos. (Isaac did an especially admirable job capturing the mood.) Then after the kiddos were nestled snug in their beds (and couches and sleeping bags, depending on which kid we're talking about), Santa came. And that pretty much brings me to this moment in time.

Christmas is, of course, tomorrow. It's easy to get caught up in the small details that accompany a gift-giving holiday, but one truth remains for me: I'm thankful that Jesus was born all those years ago and that He makes it possible for my family to be whole again some day.

Merry Christmas Eve, folks. May your tomorrow be merry, bright, and blessed.

December 23

Given how late (early?) we went to bed last night (this morning?), it was no surprise that no one really felt like getting up today, but we finally bit the proverbial bullet at around 10 AM. After saying hello to my grandma (who was, not surprisingly, asleep when we rolled in overnight), we got dressed and headed out to pick up the little Christmas tree we use when we're here from my mom's house, and to do some last-minute shopping for groceries and a few gifts.

After tree retrieval, Target, and late-late lunch at Five Guys, we dropped by my brother Bobby's house for a visit. The kiddos took very little time to acclimate to their cousins Brendan and Brianna --who happen to be the same ages as Abby and Isaac, just with the genders flipped-- and quickly roughhoused their way upstairs, where they entertained themselves mostly quietly and later made a batch of Rice Krispies treats while the grown-ups chatted a bit. And then it was back to grandma's house for us, where we wrapped presents and ate dinner.

Here's a little visual rundown of the day, since I don't like picking just one to represent an entire day of blessings:

From bottom left, it's me, my mom, and Abby this morning; us having lunch during our maiden Five Guys voyage; the cousins in front of the Christmas tree; same cousins making their treats; and my grandma cutting up pieces of her 95th birthday cake from last month (she'd frozen it in anticipation of our visit so she could share it). The big picture is the ceramic tree that's in my grandma's front hallway. I really like this particular decoration, probably because I remember it from when I was a kid. The pegs are removable, so you can arrange the colors however you like when you set it up. Just looking at it gives me an amazing kick of nostalgia, and looking at it in the dark with the pegs illuminated makes my heart smile.

Of course, all of these photos --and the ones I couldn't cram into the collage, too-- make my heart smile, so I'd call it a blessed Saturday indeed.

December 22

It was an excruciatingly long day. The grown-ups ran around doing last-minute travel-prep related activities this morning while the shortish people went to school. Then I picked up said people from school a little early, we all ate, rode in a limo to the airport, and boarded the first of two flights. Here we are in Oakland, as our limo sped away in the background:

After a stopover in Vegas (where Isaac successfully conquered the Wendy's Baconator), we finally found ourselves bound for Baltimore, where we landed at 1:35 AM Eastern time, retrieved our luggage, took the (very, very long) ride to the rental car facility, secured our transportation --which is a humongous Suburban, since they were out of the BMW we'd reserved (cue my sad face)-- and headed for my grandma's house. And that's where I am right now: in the very same bedroom where I spent several years of my early life, looking at a clock that says 4:10 AM and wondering how I'm going to manage to be even remotely conscious tomorrow. (Or I guess technically I should say 'today.')

And now, I must backtrack because I want to get to my point before I fall asleep. You may or may not have caught it, but I referenced a limo ride to the airport. We don't usually take that route when we go places; in fact, it was the first time I'd ever been inside a limo. It was supposed to be a surprise for me, but a glance at an email in Adam's inbox a week or so ago gave me an inkling that he was up to something. I confessed that I knew and he gave me a hard time about it, but it was still a sweet thing to do for me. So for the sentiment (and the successful, mostly on time travel today), I'm thankful.

(And hopefully, that made sense, because right now, I have no idea if it does or not. Peace out.)

December 21

With the minutes remaining until Christmas ticking away, I took Brady to pick out his presents for Isaac, Abby, and Adam at Target after school today. As we checked out, he decided to put on a little show that made me laugh aloud.

He loves the video feed, and decided to bust some smooth moves as I scanned our items. I didn't immediately see what he was doing, but when I finally caught a glimpse of his act, I watched him through the corner of my eye for a few seconds. He spun in a circle, thrust his arms over his head and made goofy faces, and it was quite the funny display.

He may try my patience at times, but I'm so thankful for his exuberance. And I'm also grateful for the reminder that we can make lemons out of lemonade --like turning a boring wait in a line into a little personal dance party-- whenever we like.

December 20

When I met a friend for coffee this morning, she pulled a card out of her bag and slid it across the table. I asked if it was okay to read it then and there and she said sure, so I did just that. And it made me tear up a bit.

I have my positive attributes, but one of my less-than-great ones is a need for affirmation. I know I shouldn't need to have anyone fill my cup --God is the ultimate cup-filler, after all-- but I really do thrive on knowing --for sure-- that I'm valued or appreciated or loved (or all three). It's why I often go overboard with expressions of appreciation for people who are important to me: I want them to know they matter.

Anyhow, she'd written the sweetest note inside the card, and it was precisely what I needed in that moment. Thank you, T. Love and value you so much, too!

December 19

'Twas another day of performance-viewing for me. This evening, we headed over to the elementary school for the first grade World Program to see Brady in action as part of the chorus. That was nine hours after I went to the middle school to catch the eighth grade drama classes' Christmas program this morning. I'd heard reports that it was something of a mess, but the kids somehow pulled it all together and it was pretty darn cute. Here's Abby during the "Mean Girls"-inspired finale routine:

She'd told me that she was in the front row, but I was surprised when she took her spot between Buddy and Elf and Santa Claus. She totally held her own with them, and as I sat there, a sense of pride surged through me. Abby is not an extroverted person. In fact, if she's totally honest, she'd probably even admit that she suffers from fairly significant social anxiety. So every time she gets up on a stage, smiles, and performs to the best of her ability, it feels like a huge win. (And the past half hour of listening to her watch and re-watch and giggle over the video I took like the 13-year old girl she is? Completely and utterly priceless.)

December 18

Tonight, we finished what we started yesterday when we drove around town to look at Christmas lights. It's been a two-night affair for several years now, since some of the displays are so involved and intricate that they deserve more than quick drive-bys. So we checked out the coordinated light and music shows, Candy Cane Lane, and, of course, the home of the big red chair:

I think last year was the first time we actually got out of the car to check out Widmer World, but it's definitely a cold braving-worthy spectacle. It's chock-full of bears, penguins, snow people, cars, tony houses, twinkling lights, and just about every kind of Christmas-related thing I can think of. And the kiddos --well, except for maybe a cranky teenager, who was promptly reminded by a volunteer that she needed to smile because Santa was watching-- enjoyed taking it all in.

At one point, as the boys looked at a tiny snowy village, Adam noted that Lightning McQueen and his pals were parked outside one of the little houses. I stopped to take a gander, and smiled at the sight, because in that moment, it felt like Logan was right there with us. And that's always a good way to feel.

December 17

The kiddos took part in the Nativity play at church this morning. We didn't have a sheep front and center picking his nose this year, but we did have Isaac (as Joseph) delivering his lines with great aplomb (and generating some laughs from the audience, which he didn't quite understand after-the-fact), Brady toting gold as Wise Man number one (or, as he called himself, Wise Man hashtag one), and Abby fluttering her wings as a narrator and half of the angel Gabriel. (A younger girl wanted the role but there was some concern expressed about her ability to memorize all of the requisite lines, so a split was born.)

(Abby is on the left narrating. Brady is closest to Abby in dark green --squint hard to see him-- and Isaac is in blue.)

There's something utterly charming about watching children acting out the Christmas story. It's never perfect in the sense that adults want it to be perfect, but it's always beautifully perfect in its imperfection. And given that Jesus came to save us from our imperfections, that's quite a lovely truth.

December 16

Our annual Christmas party with extended family was today. There was the usual White (Wight) Elephant gift exchange that generated a hearty helping of laughs, the kids' gift exchange, food, and conversation; all very good things.

One of the highlights of the evening was the gift Isaac received: a set of inflatable bumper balls. It was incredibly funny to watch him and Brady bumping into each other... and to see Adam rolling down the hill in one in the dark, egged on by his uncles and cousins.

It boggles my mind to think that I've known these people for 20 years now, and though I don't see them often, it's hard to imagine the holiday season without this get-together.

December 15

I didn't really notice as the minutes ticked away, but I had multiple opportunities to really laugh today and I actually took advantage of most of them. There were the utterly ridiculous stories that Adam and I read on our respective computers that resulted in breathless guffaws that left my belly sore, and there was this moment, too:

Abby went to her youth group's Ugly Sweater Murder Mystery party this evening. (Apparently that's a thing.) I was really proud of her for going, since she's on the shy side of the scale (very shy, really), her friends weren't going, and she's intimidated by high schoolers. And I was even prouder of her for actually wearing the get-up I got together for her to wear.

She may have resisted taking this picture --and the other more amusing ones in the series-- but she finally did stand still and pose so I could capture the memory. So for her patience with me and for her bravery, I'm thankful and quite proud. (And, of course, endlessly amused.)

December 14

Brady turned seven today. He celebrated with school, followed by pictures, our annual Santa visit, Chick fil A for dinner, presents, and chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (which no doubt would make Logan very proud. And hungry).

Honestly, given the hand we were dealt, it feels like an entire lifetime has passed since he was born on that December morning in 2010, but he's made that lifetime not only bearable, but also infinitely more fun than it otherwise would've been.

First grader-Brady is smart, funny, and honest, but beyond all of that, he's very, very kind. He has the heart of a caretaker, and often goes out of his way to help a friend in need. It's a quality that I admire and try to emulate in my daily dealings with others.

I've said before that he saved me when I needed saving, and I'll be forever grateful to God for allowing me to be his mom. Brady is a blessing I didn't really expect, but am incredibly thankful to have received. Happy birthday, muffin! I love you!

December 13

I went to tea with some friends this morning.

Between Thanksgiving, Brady's birthday (which is tomorrow!), long-haul traveling, Christmas, and my birthday, it's really easy for me to feel overwhelmed this time of year. There's just too much to do and not enough time to get it all done. So I really appreciate the little moments of respite as they arise.

December 12

I had a pair of nice get-togethers with friends today. I only have a photo from one of them, so that's what I'll use. (And it doesn't hurt that it's a nice picture of both of us!)

Corie was one of Isaac and Brady's preschool teachers. The Little Boys are, of course, several years out of that phase of life now, but we've still stayed in touch and try to get together every now and then. Today, we had lunch at CPK and chatted about what's been going on in our respective lives.

I try to be kind to everyone, but I choose my real friends carefully and I'm blessed to be able to call her one of mine.

December 11

I think Logan would love this car, because it's blue, it has a cool flame job, and it's a Corvette. All of his favorite automotive attributes wrapped into one. (Well, almost. I'm not sure if it has cool wheels or not, since I never got to ask him exactly what he meant when he talked about cool wheels.)

I found this particular car this morning. It's a harder one to come across, so even though I found and bought one last month, I got this one so I could open it and park it in the little Corvette parking lot on my dresser. (The other is still in its package.)

This time of year is incredibly bittersweet, and though I've managed to evade those mixed feelings for a while now, I know they're catching up to me like they do every year. I wish I had a more eloquent way to put this, but it sucks that he's not here. It sucks that I'm not getting to see him as an 11-year old and that he won't be here to open presents with us on Christmas Day. It just sucks. But still, I'm thankful that something as basic as a 99-cent die-cast car can elicit such powerful --and meaningful-- memories right when I need them. Because the ability to remember how much he loved cars and how his eyes would light up as he talked about them is a priceless gift.

December 10

We celebrated Christmas a wee bit early with Adam's family today. (Well, with his immediate family. The big family party is next weekend.) After November and December birthdays were honored and dinner was consumed, we began the always exciting gift-giving portion of the program. But first, I took our annual photo. Here's the "serious" version. (There's also a "silly" one.)

When I first looked at the images after we'd dispersed, I was kind of annoyed to find them off-center: I must've knocked the camera between pressing the auto-timer and dashing to my spot. I started to crop it, but stopped when I realized that I'd be cropping out the Nativity scene on the piano. Christmas is about Jesus first and foremost, and it's also about remembering His birth with family and friends. So though this photo is technically imperfect, I love the extra bit of meaning that my little oops provides.

December 9

A local shopping center hosts Santa and a horse-drawn carriage this time of year, so we had our annual ride and chat with the Big Guy himself after lunch today. It was pretty much the highlight of a day that was mostly a downer for me, so I'm going with the good over the not-as-good for my memory here. (It's not a particularly flattering image of me, but at least I now know I shouldn't pair those pants with that sweater and jacket again. That's a win.)

With that said, I think I failed a lot today. It's not so much that I woke up in a bad mood; I'm just sensitive to Adam's moods, and he seemed overly quiet this morning and I didn't know why, so over time, I wound up feeling frustrated. I'm not saying that it was his fault at all because my reaction to someone else is entirely up to me, and I let myself get mad over a succession of really silly and trivial things. I'm not proud of it, but I'm human and it's why I need Jesus.

Frustrations aside, I did see God moving more than once in my personal mess. There was the sweet moment pictured above with my family. There was the amazing song I heard on the radio as I took my second consecutive trip to the same shopping center in the next town over that I wouldn't have heard at all had I not forgotten my purse and had to drive back home to get it. There were the two friends I ran into at Target during that very same trip --who, again, I would've missed out on seeing had I not had to duplicate my trip-- who commiserated with my forgetfulness and the busyness of being a mom. There was the moment when I took a wrong turn in a store and came face to face with something I remembered Abby wanted for Christmas -- and it was on clearance.

So yeah. Not a great day for me mood or attitude-wise at all, but God orchestrated some moments of greatness for me anyway. The hymn is spot-on: grace is indeed amazing.

December 8

I watch the Hallmark Channel almost every day. (Okay, I watch it every day. Period.) Between January and October, it's all about Murder, She Wrote, Hart to Hart, and an array of other delightfully dated mystery shows. In November and December, I feast on Christmas fare because I love (love) cheesy holiday flicks. I also love the old claymation holiday classics, and I love to watch them with my kiddos. Tonight, after swimming, we ate our In N Out while taking in one of the greats: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Truth be told, we spent plenty of time chatting about how silly parts of it are --like why on earth is Santa so judgmental and what on earth makes the little doll a misfit toy-- but it was still a joy to watch it with my kids. After all, those little bolts of nostalgia are perfectly priceless gifts.

December 7

I'm probably inadvertently begging him to have a dramatic personality shift by writing this, but I feel like I should give credit --and thanks-- where it's due: Brady is one of the most patient kids I've ever known. He spiked a fever yesterday after school and I'm a big rule follower --it goes hand-in-hand with having had a critically ill child-- so I kept him home. I rescheduled a lunch date, but opted to keep my morning coffee meet-up. I took him along for the ride, set him up at his own table (in the virtually empty Starbucks, which was a miracle in and of itself given how busy it usually is on Thursdays), and sat down at the next table over with my friend for some long overdue chat time.

I gave him a notebook, crayons, two Hot Wheels cars, a donut, a vanilla yogurt, and a cup of ice water, and he sat there quietly amusing himself for two hours. He interrupted us maybe twice to ask how much longer we planned to talk, and when I replied, he just nodded and went back to his table without another word. And he's six.

His patient perseverance has always been --and continues to be-- a giant and most definitely undeserved blessing.

December 6

Every now and then, when I'm receptive, I can feel God trying to get my attention. And that's just what happened this chilly evening. (The image doesn't have a lot to do with what's to come, though it is a representation of finding comfort where we can and Brady asked me to take it, so it's good enough. And it's also the only one I took today.)

Adam is out of town, so before I took Abby to her 7 PM dance class, she and I and the Little Boys swung through the McDonald's drive thru. As I rounded the corner to enter the parking lot, I saw a homeless man pushing a shopping cart along the side of the road. Even after I'd parked the car and started to eat, I was peripherally aware of him as he walked slowly through the lot and toward nearby storefronts. I felt pressed to approach him, but I tried to ignore it; after all --and this is me being painfully honest here-- homeless people tend to make me really uncomfortable. And I had the kids with me, and it was dark... my mind built an impressive 'why to ignore God' checklist, and for a while, I did just that.

As I went to leave, I took the long way around the lot and saw him digging through a trash can at the gas station next door. That sight did it, and on an impulse, I made a u-turn, drove up next to him, rolled down my window, and asked if he'd like me to buy him some food. He looked surprised and accepted the offer, so I parked, told Abby to watch the boys for a minute, and we walked into the convenience store together. He considered the display of sandwiches for a minute before finally choosing a modestly sized one; just plain old turkey and cheese. I paid, and then handed him the sandwich and part of my change as we headed back outside. He looked surprised and replied with three words that went straight to my heart: I love ya!.

I'd never seen that man before and I'll probably never see him again, but that's what Jesus is all about, right? Loving everyone, even --no, especially-- the ones society considers to be undesirable or so deeply flawed that they're unworthy of love. But this guy, even in his unenviable position, hit the nail on the head with his response.

The whole interaction came to pass not because I'm some awesome person (and please, please don't think that's my aim here because it absotively, posolutely is not the case), but because God spoke to me and --after waffling-- I got over myself and listened. So next time God speaks to you, be sure to listen, because you never know how He'll surprise you with whatever He has up His sleeve.

December 5

I needed a Hello Kitty toothbrush for a gift I'm putting together, so I hit the dollar store to see if they happened to have one in stock. (They did!) As I checked out, my casual conversation with the cashier took a rather unexpected turn.

(So yeah, these are Christmas cookies from the cookie party last week and they don't have a lot to do with where I'm going here, but that's okay. They're still Christmas-y and that's what matters.)

She asked how I was and I gave one of my usual responses --either 'eh, I'm still here' or 'still breathing!' or the like-- and then I asked how she was doing. And the girl got real very quickly. She shared that she's okay but doesn't really like the holiday season because she doesn't get along well with her parents, and her other relatives and friends aren't local. She then said she'd had a hard time finding a Catholic church but felt like she wanted to attend a service for Christmas.

I smiled and told her that when it comes to Christmas, Jesus is what we're celebrating whether we're Catholic or Protestant, and I suggested she try any church. She seemed hesitant and said her parents would be upset with her for visiting a non-Catholic church, but I smiled and assured her, again, that connecting with other people --any other people-- to celebrate Jesus' birth is what really matters. It's what's in your heart, not where you go. She looked teary-eyed by hopeful as she replied "really? You think so?" and I said "definitely." I wish I'd had more time to connect with her because I sensed a profound sense of loneliness, but just then a woman appeared in line behind me and I had to scoot so she could get back to work.

But I'll definitely be praying for her, and I'm thankful for the reminder to be perpetually sensitive because there are lonely people all around me who need kind words and encouragement sent their way.

December 4

First off, a big happy birthday to my big brother Bobby! He's not a Facebooker and probably has no idea this blog exists, but I figure I'll say it anyway.

Now onto my usual business. As so often happens, I only took one photo today, and it was a completely random one that I snapped just because of the mood it emanates:

I was on my way upstairs this evening when I looked over into the living room. I always appreciate the glow of the Christmas tree, but the glow of the TV as the Little Boys played a video game gave it a slightly different look. And it made me think a bit. A few weeks ago, even before we got the tree, this room had a different look: we previously had a couch where the TV is, and the TV was over in the far right-hand corner. I'm not generally a big fan of change, but while I admired the scene tonight, I couldn't help but think about how change is both inevitable and necessary. And given that this scene is still lovely, the different layout isn't such a bad thing at all.

December 3

We decorated our Christmas tree today. It's been up and illuminated for over a week but until now, the desire to drag the boxes in from the garage --and down from our room-- had eluded both of us.

Honestly, trimming the tree is always a little bit bittersweet for me. I have this distinct memory of Logan --exhausted from treatment-- performing a lovely, lyrical dance in front of the tree for just a few moments as the other kids worked to decorate. It wound up being one of his final dances since he lost the ability to walk just a few weeks later. So yes. It's bittersweet.

But still, I enjoyed watching Abby, Isaac, and Brady rooting through boxes and finding the ones they each wanted to hang: the homemade photo frames featuring their sweet preschool faces, the Cars characters, the fun ones that play music or light up. And though it's easy to be sad, I had to smile a bit when I looked at this image after I took it and realized that Logan is indeed in it, front and center, in one of those old preschool photo frames.

December 2

I didn't get home til nearly midnight last night and then had trouble dialing myself back down when I did, so morning came much sooner than I might have liked. Still, I got up and headed over to watch Isaac's baseball evaluations with Adam and Brady anyway.

It was a rather lengthy process, but the weather was lovely, he did just fine, and I had the opportunity catch up a bit with some friends I don't see particularly often.

And then once it was all said and done, the Little Boys and I waited around while Adam helped hand out numbers to the boys who'd arrived to try out for AAA ball. At one point, Isaac looked down at Brady and just smiled, and the gesture made my heart happy. They definitely fight like bulldogs at times, but I know there's a boatload of genuine love underneath the occasionally rough outer layer of the relationship.

December 1

My friend Valerie held her third annual cookie exchange party tonight and it was --as it always is-- awesome. She had an amazing spread of delicious appetizers, cider, and even a hot chocolate bar complete with a wide array of toppings and syrups. And, of course, a lot of cookies. (Seriously, she thinks of everything and then thinks some more.)

I always look forward to this party and for good reason: it's a fabulous time of eating and laughing with friends, some who I see routinely, and others who I see only every now and then.

So for the opportunity to laugh so hard my lungs ached (more than once) and for silly conversations and for the gift of fellowship with friends, I'm so very grateful.

November 30

I had a PTA meeting tonight and got home pretty late. As usual, I went upstairs to check on the kiddos. I found Abby listening to music on her phone, Brady sleeping, and Isaac like this:

(Seriously. This is exactly how I found him. And naturally, it's a book about baseball. Because of course it is!) It's actually the second time this week that I've found him asleep next to an open book, and I absolutely love it because there's something inherently sweet about seeing one of my kids cuddled up next to a good story. So for this little blessing on this busy day, I'm thankful.

November 29

I tried to go to bed at about 11 last night. I stared up at the ceiling for a while before I started to feel like God wanted me to go write something. It'd been quite a while since that had happened, so instead of trying to resist --because believe me, when I start feeling like I must write something, I must write it or I won't get to sleep-- I came downstairs and turned on the computer.

The words that came to me are below, but before I get to them, I want to say something else. Obviously, I don't mind when people read my writing; Logan's illness and passing gave me a boldness that I didn't really have before. But I want to be clear on one point. J.S. Bach once said "I play the notes as they are written, but it is God who makes the music." I'm certainly no Bach, but I can relate to those words because "my" best pieces aren't really mine at all; they're from God Himself, and I'm just the person gifted with the privilege of sharing them. And hopefully my all too feeble, all to human words are good enough to get the message across.

With that said, I'm not sure who exactly needs this message, but here it is: So view your biggest challenges and deepest heartaches as opportunities for God to go to bat for you in ways that are beyond the scope of plain old human comprehension. Because even in the most desperate situations we face, He moves; silently, lovingly, boldly, and with a steadfast commitment to ensuring our long-term welfare. He can --and will-- deliver every single time. So when the ground tremors and your very sense of self seems to be slipping through your fingers like grains of sand, hold fast to that truth. And don't give up.

November 28

I met a friend for breakfast this morning after school drop-offs. It was originally supposed to be a bigger group --actually, a group of fellow moms I've been hanging out with for several years now-- but illness for one and party prep for another whittled our numbers to just two.

So I ate this while we sat and chatted. (There's a pecan waffle tucked underneath the whipped cream and bananas.)

Simple truth: It's always a blessing to have time with friends.

November 27

I went for a walk by myself this morning. It was a brisk day (well, brisk for Northern Californians whose Maryland roots have become wussified over the past 20 years) so I quickened my pace a bit. By the time I got halfway around the path, I wished I had a car to take me the rest of the way. But I'm glad I went because it gave me some time to think.

It would be so amazing if, on our birthdays, we were each presented with an individualized map and instruction manual for our time on this earth. I know that over the course of my journey, I've found myself on lots of paths like the one pictured: partially obscured by obstacles or other distractions that make me a bit less sure of myself than I'd like to be. I mean, I can kind of see where I should go, but I'm just not certain.

We may not get those personalized instructions and maps, but we do have the gift of faith and of believing that God will, in His timing, lead us where He wants us to go. And though it may be frustrating when we can't see what's next, it's a blessing to know that He has it all under control... even when it feels like everything is falling apart.

November 26

We put up our exterior lights over the weekend. (Well, to be more precise, Adam put them up. But I digress.) I sat out on the porch a little while ago and just watched the lights as they danced across the fence.

There's something completely lovely about lights as they flicker on and off. They're silent and peaceful and just... calming.

And for me, it's a blessing to be able to sit there and watch them, particularly when my mind is a little too busy and my heart feels a little too heavy.

November 25

Today, we bought our Christmas tree.

It wasn't our usual foray, because the lot we'd visited last year and the year before was gone, and another location we'd used in the past had some seriously sub-par offerings. In the end, we tried a new place, quickly picked out a very nice tree, and brought it home. When it came down to the hours and minutes of it all, the car ride took 10 times as long as the actual selection process.

I guess I could've been mad about the wasted time, but I can't really, because I know that God often takes us on journeys that are longer than we might like in order to put us in specific places at just the right times. It's hard to be patient and to believe that things will turn out in the end --especially when it feels as if we've been traveling in circles and nothing is changing for the better-- but He always delivers... when He's good and ready. So no matter what road you're on, just keep walkin'. He may have a solution for you just around the next bend.

November 24

Abby and I have a long-standing tradition of doing some casual (read: we don't go out on Thanksgiving night nor are we up at the crack of dawn) Black Friday shopping, so the streak continued this morning. I pulled her initially-less-than-enthusiastic teenage bum out of bed at 8:15, and we headed out to Starbucks before hitting our usual stops to stock up on questionably-named lip gloss (for me), pajama pants (for her), and actual, practical clothes (for the Little Boys). (And also a few other things that are surprises for various folks later on.)

I'm generally open to new experiences and new people (and in fact, I've met some pretty awesome ones over the last few years), but there's really nothing like sharing traditions with my kiddos. I could say that it's just a shopping trip, but it's really much more than that: it's a time for us to laugh together (usually at the weird things other people do), make decisions together, and just have a good time. And for all of that, I'm extremely thankful.

P.S. She totally has crazy-eyes in this pic and would be oh-so thrilled to see that I used it, but hey, it's reality. :)

November 23

Every day should be filled with giving thanks, but I still think Thanksgiving is a rather nice holiday. We celebrated ours with extended family, and it was a pleasant, laid-back kind of day filled with chatter and lots of good food. Here's our group, which included my brother Charlie, Alexi, their friend Joe, and --of course-- my little fam before we left for Adam's Aunt and Uncle's house in Alamo:

It's an ugly truth that life can be extremely difficult and painful, and that at times, we can absolutely lose sight of what's truly important. So today, I'm grateful for all of the amazing people I get to call family and friends who've been with me as I've navigated my own curve-and-pothole-ridden road over the years.

November 22

MY BROTHER IS COMING! Had to get that out of the way first. :)

Since said brother is coming up for Thanksgiving (for the first time in something like nine years), we spent much of the day cleaning, straightening, etc. After most of the neatening had been completed, Adam and I decided to go for a walk around the Sports Park.

Although it was never truly sunny out, the 70ish degree weather made for a pleasant stroll. At one point, Adam looked up at the sky and noted that depending on which way we looked, the clouds looked vastly different.

And of course because I'm me, a metaphor of sorts came to mind. There are things about this life that are very distinctly black and white, but a lot of how life is lived and enjoyed is rooted in how we see it. And in some cases, how we choose to see it. So choose joy whenever you can.

November 21

I'd call today a good one. It began with coffee and work on an article at Starbucks, moved on to a colorful lunch with the fam at the Cheesecake Factory, continued with my first-ever pedicure (which I will definitely do again), and ended with the season finale of my very favorite TV show. I could've used a pic from any of those times and been happy, but the truth is I only took a few today, and they were all from lunch. So here's the best of the bunch:

The blessing of this lunch --other than getting to spend it with these fabulous people, of course-- was how jovial Adam was the whole time. He's had a tough couple of months at work so it did my heart so much good to see him laughing and goofing around with the kiddos. It gave me a healthy little shot of nostalgia, and that's a pretty darn good thing.

November 20

Parenting is hard. Here's Exhibit A from this evening.

In case it's hard to tell, it's a photo of Brady, who was very angry because he (in his own words) had "nothing to do" during the long, odious hour between dinner and bedtime.

I've gotta be honest: I wanted to yell at him and to tell him to stop being so freaking stupid. I wanted to pop him on the bum. But I didn't do either of those things because as I watched and listened to him rant and rave like a six year old, I thought about myself and the ways in which I rant and rave to God like a six year old. (And I don't even have the excuse of being an actual six year old.) So I tried to deal with him the way God deals with me: I tried to get him to tell me exactly why he was so frustrated, and I told him that I love him but that his behavior wasn't acceptable. And then, when it became clear that he wasn't really interested in what I had to say, he went to bed and I pushed the reset button and silently prayed that he'd get it... eventually.

Even after all of that, I'm thankful to be a parent and to have the gift of loving little people into adulthood. It's frustrating and heartbreaking and infuriating at times, but there really is no better job.

November 19

I looked at the bulletin while sitting in church this morning and poked Adam when I saw the date. Why? Because 20 years ago today, we started dating officially. Maybe that sounds weird, but we were in college at the time and went for a long, late-night stroll after our InterVarsity meeting. At one point, we stopped at a swingset and talked for a while. Although I don't remember exactly what was said, the end result was that we started the conversation as friends, and left to head back to the dorms as a couple. So that was November 19, 1997.

And this is now.

It was a spur of the moment thing, but we decided to go out to dinner tonight to mark the date. So we braved the mall and sat in our little booth at CPK and ate and talked and remembered.

The past 20 years have included both the very best and the very worst moments of my life, and every single one has been shared with Adam. It's not always been easy, but it's definitely been worth the effort. So today, I'm deeply thankful for the blessing that he's been --and continues to be-- to me and the family we've built.

November 18

It's not unusual for people to remark that Abby is my mini-me, and in many ways, that observation is correct. We're both masters of sarcasm, we're both driven, and we share a similar goofy sense of humor. (And some think we look a little alike, too.) Although she's clearly my child, there are moments that very clearly remind me that she's Adam's child as well.

Adam has always been a fan of fantasy books (which I affectionately call 'dork books.' Apologies to any dork book lovers out there). He's shared that affinity with Abby, and now they both enjoy reading them together. I guess a new book by one of his favorite authors came out recently, so they ran to the bookstore together to buy a copy last week. Then this morning the doorbell rang, and the package contained a pair of sweatshirts from the book's official release: one for him and one for her. They both wasted no time in donning their new apparel, and went to lunch wearing them.

It's been a real blessing to watch the two of them interact over the past 13-plus years. Relationships can definitely be hard --especially when they're marred by brokenness as so many are-- so I feel fortunate that theirs is strong (even if they are united by dork books).

November 17

Tonight, as we often do, we went to In N Out after the boys' swim lessons. When the guy at the window asked if I wanted ketchup, I said yes, and man alive, did he ever give me ketchup. Here's just part of our tomato-y loot:

As I chuckled over the pile of leftover packets on the stove after dinner, I had a thought. I think that in general, we tend to ask God for very small things, so when He delivers the really big blessings, we're surprised. The thing is, God is a God of big things. He's also the God of tiny things, of course, but as the writer of the Book of Life itself, He can do anything and everything.

So if you're holding back and not asking the big ask, or if you've lost hope that a long-standing painful circumstance will ever change for the better, just ask. And keep asking, because you never know when He'll decide to give you 50 ketchup packets rather than the five you expected. (And the 50 He delivers will be infinitely more amazing than the 20 that you only dreamed you might receive.)

November 16

Today while I chatted with a friend at the elementary school, Isaac and Brady took the opportunity to play in the rain. They splished and splashed and giggled and bounced and collected an impressive amount of water in their overturned umbrellas. By the time we left, they were thoroughly waterlogged from heads to toes.

I won't fall into the trap of saying that the primary purpose of this life is to be happy --because I don't think for half a second that that's true-- but it was such fun to see them having such a delightful time together. Since all of our moments can't be --and, honestly, shouldn't be, if we really want to rely on God-- happy, it's such a blessing to be able to fill our cups during the ones that make us smile.

And in this case, the "cup filling" just happened to be literal.

November 15

I really like cooking and probably don't do it nearly enough, mostly because I don't think far enough in advance to do, you know, actual meal-prep. But yesterday I managed to get my ducks in a row so I could make this today:

You can't really see it, but there's a pot roast under the sea of veggies. Not only was it delicious, but it made our house smell really, really good: warm and homey.

Food --and the electricity/gas needed to prepare it-- are two of the things I'm most likely to take for granted, so today, I'm thankful that I remembered that they're blessings and not givens.

November 14

There's rain in the forecast, but it was a beautiful Tuesday. Since the Little Boys had a minimum (half) day and Abby didn't, they played at the park for a while after school, and we actually got to do something we haven't done in quite a while: walk home.

Back before the kiddos went to different schools and followed different drop-off and release times, we walked regularly. So it was a nice little blast from the past to be able to wander behind them and their little backpacks as they chattered to one another about the day.

And the lovely, almost-east-coast-like fall trees certainly didn't hurt, either.

November 13

I totally missed the moment, so this will have to do:

Traffic in the Costco parking lot was kind of heavy this evening as we finished our shopping trip. As we stepped en masse into the street, Isaac instinctively put an arm around Brady's shoulder and kept it there until they'd crossed over to the other side.

I'm so grateful that they love and care for each other as much as they do.

November 12

Isaac tends to forget to mention that he has long-term homework assignments until a few days before they're due. (We're working on it.) So that's why he spent the weekend making a paper turkey and writing a speech (both due.... tomorrow). I have to say, procrastination annoyance aside, the end product is pretty cute:

This is Carter the Turkey, who plays for the A's. Yep: a baseball playing fowl constructed of glitter glue, beads, yellow and green Froot Loops, and pieces of cereal box. (The cereal box bits came from a box of Count Chocula, and comprise Carter's baseball glove. It's also noteworthy that Count Chocula is one of Carter's favorite foods.)

I've said it before, but I'm consistently impressed by my kiddos' continued growth and creativity. It's a blessing to be able to watch them grow up.