January 31

Brady is taking Culinary Arts (also known as "Cooking") this semester. He's always been interested in preparing food, but the class has definitely amped up his enthusiasm.

So this evening, a few hours after dinner (which he picked at but didn't eat in its entirety) he came downstairs and announced that he was going to make protein pancakes. And he did just that: he confirmed the (very simple) recipe instructions, got out the requisite equipment, and made his pancakes. He even washed the dishes afterward (although I'm still waiting for him to come back and wipe down the now-cooled griddle). 

It's such a blessing to watch my kids engage in activities they truly enjoy. And based on the stream of jovial chitter-chatter than escaped his lips as he made his pancakes, I'd say that Brady really likes to cook.

January 30

Sometimes I do goofy things to try to amuse my children. Like sometimes, I play a game I call Pursuit with Abby, which involves me following her around the house (or the pool). She's not a huge fan but hopefully she knows I do it because I love her and I'm trying to lighten her mood.

And then this afternoon, when I looked outside and noticed that Isaac had arrived home from school, I quickly squished my face against the window and stared down at him until he noticed me and waved.

They probably think I'm weird, but that's okay. I am weird. We all are, really. And that weirdness --the things that make us unique or that help us to get through the harder days-- is a blessing.

January 29

Another Wednesday, another trip to the Mother Ship with this guy.

It annoys him that I insist on taking this photo every single week (although I chose not to use the image that proves how irritating he finds my tradition to be). But I'm conscious that these days are few; we are, in fact, down to our last semester of these weekly coffee "dates."

So for this time with my little (who isn't really little at all anymore), I continue to be grateful.

January 28

This particular song is a regular on The Message these days, and I'm glad that it is.

There's a line tucked away in its lyrics that always catches in my throat a bit, and it's particularly poignant this time of year when the anniversary of Logan's passing draws near:

"Where is God in the sickness that the prayers didn't fix?" it asks.

Because if I did anything at all while Logan was sick, it was pray. Yet... well, you all know what happened. And what didn't happen. And I've absolutely asked God thousands of questions about why he didn't get to grow up with us.

I will never understand the whys of it all on this side of Heaven, but I take comfort in the other words of this song, which read

"He is right here where He's always been, It's where He'll be til the very end. Where is God? God is with us."

Regardless of my circumstances, God is with me. And I'm grateful for that truth, even when there are no answers to the whys.

January 27

Isaac had an event at school this evening so it was just me, Adam, and Brady for dinner.

It's always a cool anomaly when we get two-on-one time with our kiddos. In this particular case, it's a preview of what's to come in a few years, but for now, it's just sweet moments with our (hilariously sassy, quick-witted) baby.

And for that time, I am thankful.

January 26

I took a brisk stroll (on my walking pad -- it's too chilly outside for my thin blood) this evening and was pretty parched by the time I finished.

So it was a refreshing blessing to plunk down in my chair with a full glass of ice water. 

It's a luxury that I know I take for granted, so tonight, I'm grateful to have easy access to clean, drinkable water.

January 25

When I arrived at my prayer shawl meeting this morning, I discovered that we'd been relegated to the tiny room adjacent to our usual spacious gathering spot thanks to the ongoing set-up of an afternoon baby shower.

It could've been a less than pleasant experience, but honestly, it was kind of perfect. We were a smaller group than usual, so the cozy space we had felt appropriate and comfortable. The folks setting up the party were polite as they bustled back and forth. The snacks were delicious. And our chit-chat flowed freely -- maybe even more freely than usual, probably because it's easier to talk more in a smaller group.

I left the outing feeling refreshed and excited about tackling my projects. It's such a blessing to spend time with others who have the ability to make my soul feel fed, and these ladies do just that.

January 24

My physical therapist gave me new exercises to do this week for my shoulder using what's essentially a length of pvc pipe. I wondered what I'd use at home since I don't have any spare pipes hanging around and then it occurred to me that an empty wrapping paper roll would be a perfect substitute.

And I knew we had one because I saw it in the office while I was cleaning last weekend. I tried it out this afternoon and it worked like a charm.

It's always a blessing when seemingly useless items suddenly become surprisingly useful. It's a nice reminder that even when we feel like we're past our prime, we can still be used to accomplish good things.

January 23

Since Isaac has his license, he's been driving himself to school, which means that we have less time to interact each day. The increased responsibility and independence are good for him.

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't bummed when, this morning, he bounded down from his room, grabbed a slice of pizza and the car key, said a quick bye, and then headed down the stairs to the garage. In the moments that followed, I stood in silence at the top of the steps, quietly (and sadly) lamenting the reality that my chunky toddler has already become a tall, lanky verging-on-man who doesn't rely on me as much as he used to. I started to feel melancholic.

But then the door to the garage opened, and he bounded back up the stairs and wrapped me up in a big hug. "Love you, mama," he said as he turned again to leave. And this time, he really did go.

I keep saying it because it keeps being true and it's always surprising nonetheless: he's growing up fast (as are Abby and Brady). But I'm thankful that he still comes back inside for hugs and that he still comes and lies on my bed and, in his usual meandering, stream of consciousness style, shares his thoughts (as he was doing in the photo from this evening). It's all a blessing.

January 22

I've been thinking about Costco cheese pizza for a few months now. I guess that's a weird intro but it's true: although I like it a lot, I don't like the calorie count in a single slice.

But today, after running some errands in the store's general area, I stopped in and got myself a piece. And man, did I enjoy every bite, which I ate very slowly and with much internal gusto. The cheese, the sauce, the crust were all so delicious. And the memories of Logan enjoying his beloved Costco cheesy pizza that came to mind were pretty sweet, too.

So for the tastiness of my treat and for the sweet memories it conjured up, I am thankful.

January 21

Brady opted for another post-school trip to the batting cages today so I circled the park while he and Jackson took their swings.

It wasn't quite as warm as it has been in recent weeks, but the sky was a vibrant blue, the air was clear, and the clouds created their usual unique shapes overhead. 

And I am thankful for all of that loveliness.

January 20

This is my left shoulder. It's been my personal albatross since last June when, while reaching for a glass or a crochet hook or some other random sundry, I inadvertently stretched it a little bit too far and tore a muscle in my upper arm. The pain that resulted was intermittent, but unpredictably horrific. 

When I first suffered the injury, I stopped moving it every time I felt that pain kick in. If I moved the wrong way and felt a hint of discomfort, I would clutch it close to my side and hold it there. Gradually, my double-pronged fear of causing further damage and of feeling pain limited its  functionality. And eventually, I was hardly able to move it at all. I protected it so effectively from the pains inflicted by normal daily movement that it lost the very functionality that made it a healthy, effective joint.

That’s the ironic thing about some forms of pain. Our very human inclination is to turn away from it and to avoid it, just like I spent months trying to shield my shoulder. In fact, we sometimes go to great lengths to protect our hearts and souls from it at all costs, even if it means we lose something that’s very valuable to us along the way. 

But as I've learned in physical therapy, we have to push through the pain in order to get well. I can't just sit back and hope it will get better because without active work on my part, it won't. Some pains are meant to be experienced and battled, and in order to find true healing, those pains must be faced head on. We can, of course, put off dealing with pain like I did, but when we do that, we delay the healing that’s to come. The healing that's promised by Jesus.

My shoulder and I haven’t yet reached that portion of the journey, but I know it’s coming because I'm doing my stretches and enduring the necessary tissue-prodding by my physical therapist. And I look forward to it, because healing is freedom. And I am thankful for the full wellness that will be mine, both in this life and beyond.

January 19

I had the house all to myself today so I decided to do some cleaning and straightening and organizing. (I know: excellent use of alone-time.)

I braved the boys' bathroom (and believe me, "braved" is the correct term here because that room can be a scary, scary place) to put away some soap. As I crossed back through Isaac's room, I spied this in the corner and it made my heart melt.

I don't enter his room particularly often so I have no idea how long his stuffies have been organized like this, but I thought it was adorable.

I'm happy that he's growing up to be an exceptional young man, but I'm also grateful for this visible ode to the little boy he once was (and to a degree, will always be inside).

January 18

There are two types of people in the church: those who look forward to and enjoy retreats, and those who do not. Truthfully, I'm a member of the latter group, so I wasn't exactly excited about our Session retreat this weekend. But it went far better than I'd expected.

It helped that we had a beautiful venue in Discovery Bay as our setting. And it super-helped that we were blessed beyond measure by the hospitality of Pam and Mike. (These two provided an excellent --and humbling-- example of serving like Jesus wants us to serve.)

But beyond those (not small) things, we had a lot of great discussion, and despite our very different personalities, we found ourselves in complete agreement on a handful of important ideas and concepts that we needed to agree on in order to move forward. It was nothing short of a God-thing.

So today I'm thankful for the gift of exceeded expectations and the blessing of working with these wonderful people.

January 17

Nikki and I met up at Jim's this morning for breakfast in honor of my recent birthday. (We still need to celebrate her birthday --which was in October-- but my On The Ballness is lacking compared to hers. But we will celebrate!)

We chatted and caught up on each others' lives while devouring our cheese and veggie-filled omelets. And then once the plates were cleared and the check settled, we took a walk around the surrounding neighborhood.

At one point during our stroll, we spied a little girl --who was probably about two years old-- toddler-running across a nearby field. Then Nikki remarked that it's weird that we first became friends back when our boys --her oldest, my youngest-- met in preschool; way back when they were just a year or so older than that little girl. 

And she was right; it is indeed crazy that we've been friends for more than 10 years. It's crazy that Austin and Brady are already 14 years old. We don't see one another nearly enough (which is more than partly my fault since I've slacked on reaching out to others of late) but when we do, it's always one of the best parts of my day. She's a true friend and I am grateful for how she continues to be a bright spot in my life.

January 16

Brady texted from school this morning to ask if he could walk to the batting cages with Jackson when the bell rang. I said yes, and then he asked me if I could please bring his baseball bag to the park and meet them there. I said yes again. 

He did not, however, ask me to bring the bucket of balls, so Jackson texted his dad to ask for some. (Ah, life with the half-baked brains of 13-14 year old boys.)

While they waited for him to arrive, they goofed around on the playground equipment. And then while I took a walk around (and around and around) the park, they hit the cages for some BP.

I love watching them enjoy their sport. And I love watching their friendship and camaraderie grow, too.

January 15

I was driving back from the Spring sports meeting at Isaac's school this evening when the moon caught my eye.

It was so big and bright and orange that I actually flipped a u-turn and pulled over in a spot that gave me a clear view of the valley below.

I'm not sure if it's a full moon or just close to it, but it certainly looked beautiful as it hung there in the distance. There's something about the scene that exuded a calmness and peace that I can't fully explain. 

So for that natural loveliness, I am thankful.

January 14

After a holiday hiatus, Date Night resumed this evening at Cattlemen's.

Adam had to drive down to his office today so I met him at the restaurant after dropping the boys plus Jackson off at youth group.

It was, as is usually the case, a blessing to sit with my hunny and talk over dinner. No distractions, no other people, just us taking a brief amount of time to reconnect as midweek approaches.

I am grateful for those minutes.

January 13

I was pretty tired by the time I picked Brady up from school, so I went into our room, flipped on the TV, and laid down to rest.

I was gratified to find an old episode of "Matlock" on the tube. My mom was always big on mystery shows when I was growing up --"Murder, She Wrote," "Perry Mason," and the like)-- so they've always been comforting to me as an adult; they're like familiar, cuddly blankets. 

So for that blessing of nostalgia, I am thankful.

January 12

Abby flew back to Wheaton today. We all piled into the Explorer to drop her off at the airport, where hugs were exchanged and then off she went to begin the second semester of her Junior year.

It was wonderful having her here for the past three-plus weeks. We shopped and ate foods of her choosing and played games and watched terrible Lifetime movies and went for walks (I think... she did a lot of jogging and I know I went outside with her at least one time). 

I know she misses us when she's at school (and we miss her, too!) but I'm very proud of how much she's grown over the past few years. And I'm very excited to see what God has in store for her this Spring. Go get it, Girl!

January 11

I turned 47 today. In the past, I've wanted to spend at least part of my birthday alone, but that wasn't the case this go-round. Maybe it's because I'm gaining wisdom with age or maybe it's because my kiddos are growing up so quickly that I want to savor every moment I have with them, but I wanted this birthday to be a family affair.

I awoke this morning to find my coffee and a beautiful bouquet of pink roses on the kitchen table. When she pattered downstairs, Abby slipped me a handmade card featuring a drawing of one of my childhood faves, Strawberry Shortcake. I love her cards; she's a talented artist (whether she believes that or not) and the accompanying notes are always sweet and heartfelt. 

I lingered over my drink for a while playing Monopoly Go before Adam's parents stopped by to drop off a gift for me. (I think my Hello Kitty pajama pants provided Adam's dad with his first good chuckle of the day. He tried to mask it but I'm pretty sure he was amused.)

When lunchtime rolled around a little later, we loaded into the car and headed over to the Cheesecake Factory. I also decided I wanted to go bowling, so we did that as well. I didn't exactly dominate, but I did well for me so I was pleased with my two-game total. Isaac was the big winner (although I'm pretty sure Adam didn't really start trying until halfway through the second game). 

Then we stopped by Safeway to get a cake mix (chocolate) and ice cream (raspberry chip), and the Mother Ship for my birthday freebie (a brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso, which I'd had before and enjoyed so it seemed like a safe bet). And then it was back home, where I dozed in my chair until the Ravens wild card weekend game started. We watched them beat the Steelers over a selection of cuisine from Domino's, pausing once for presents (all of which are wonderful and creative and useful) and once for cake and ice cream. As is his custom, Adam loaded my cake with the correct number of candles, and by the time I extinguished the resulting fiery inferno, about a third of them were little more than nubbins on the surface of my chocolate and peanut butter confection. (Thanks to Abby for the frosting and Adam for the baking.)

And now, a few hours later, I'm sitting in my chair again, half watching a Lifetime movie (and mulling changing the channel because it's simply not as good as the flick Abby and I took in a few days ago) and half reflecting-slash-typing. The boys are upstairs; I imagine Brady is asleep and Isaac is either watching YouTube or playing a video game. Abby is in her room packing her things for her return to Wheaton tomorrow. Adam is asleep in the next seat over. And Lambie is next to me.

And I am officially 47. It's been a great day filled with blessings; time with my family and Corvette sightings and lots of laughter (including my own guffaws when I opened a garden hose from Adam that we'd seen advertised on TV). I feel loved and appreciated and celebrated, and I don't think I could ask for much more from a birthday.

I don't know what 47 will be like for me, but I'm grateful for the people around me and for the time I have with them. Life isn't always easy, but it's always a blessing, and I am grateful for my brand new year.

January 10

Since Abby heads back to school on Sunday and my birthday is tomorrow, she got to decide what we had for dinner tonight. After a wee bit of deliberation (a few days ago, since she likes to make meal decision well ahead of time), she went with Black Bear.

So after Adam finished with work, that's what we did.

And as usual, the kiddos posed with one of the bears in the lobby area before we left. But this particular image was a little different than previous versions, mostly thanks to the distinctive "thuglyfe" flavor (as Abby called it. I'm too old to come up with a moniker like that).

Of course, I took a "nice" one of them standing together and smiling, too, but I like this one because it's funny. And because they were all on the same page when they posed. The cohesiveness of the picture makes me chortle.

They're all big goofers sometimes, and I adore them for it. The way that they make me laugh is such a blessing.

January 9

We experienced another family milestone today as Isaac drove himself to school solo for the first time.

(Incidentally, I found the entry from 2021 that detailed Abby's first drive to school and discovered that I was significantly more verbose back then.)

He was up on time and ready to go well ahead of when he needed to be ready, which was a hugely pleasant surprise. He's always been the one who took his time, marched to the beat of his own drummer, et cetera, so I'm hopeful that maybe this new bit of freedom will compel him to strive to be more timely. 

Anyway, I followed him down to the garage and out to the Explorer. I watched as he gathered his baseball equipment and put it --and his backpack-- in the backseat. I watched as he placed his plated English muffin sandwich --which he promised not to eat until the walk from the car to the school-- on the front seat. He gave me the obligatory half-smile and wave, backed out of the driveway --lightly grazing an errantly placed trash can as he pulled into the street-- and then he was off. I watched him drive off and then turned back to the garage, where the other two stooges were in my car waiting to depart. (Brady had his official orthodontic consultation this morning and to say that Abby --who tagged along-- enjoyed the experience would be an understatement Their relationship is quite amusing these days. So many embarrassing photos. But I digress.)

It's a new era for Isaac for sure. He's yearned for the ability to take himself places for some time now, so I'm happy that he's able to exercise this new gift of increased freedom. He's a good kiddo, and it's a gift to me to be able to see him continue to grow and mature.

January 8

I've been dealing with frozen shoulder since June of last year, but I didn't have my first physical therapy appointment until today. (I guess it sounds kind of silly that it took me more than six months to get help, but initially I thought it would get better on its own. It did not, so I limited movement of my left arm to "help." It did not help, and my range of motion got progressively worse over time. I finally went to an orthopedist a few months ago, and he diagnosed me with frozen shoulder. And this was the soonest available PT appointment. Now you're up to speed.)

Anyhow, after dinner this evening, while we were all still sitting around the kitchen table, Adam asked me what exercises I'm supposed to do. Brady, who'd seen me performing one of said-maneuvers earlier, demonstrated, which prompted Isaac and Abby to follow suit. And then I joined in. (For the record, this is quite painful.)

It was almost like a weird bonding moment with all of them. They entered into my experience with me and even though it was quite silly, it was also quite sweet. So tonight I'm grateful that we can help carry one another's burdens.

January 7

Winter Break has been wonderful, but time off isn't indefinite and the remaining minutes are tick, tick, ticking away. Adam went back to work yesterday. The brositos had Youth Group this evening and will return to school tomorrow. And Abby will wing her way back to Wheaton on Sunday. And with all of that, "normal" life will resume.

I'm bummed that our three-ish weeks of intensive family time is almost over, but I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to go to dinner tonight with Adam and our girl. It was fun to sit there with her at one of our favorite haunts, munching on tasty salad and Italian food and just sharing life. (And looking at photos of Very Young Abby, who was particularly well-versed in the Art of Messy Eating.)

The time and the memories were blessings.

January 6

I had the best day with this girl of mine, who is pictured zooming through an empty Costco aisle on our shopping cart.

We started at the Mother Ship before moving on to our favorite warehouse store, where we stocked up on a handful of essentials and a smaller handful of delicious but less-than-essentials (like macarons and wintry trail mix).

Then later on in the evening, we watched a Lifetime movie that was surprisingly complex and not terrible. We were fully amused and confused by the storyline, which actually kept both of us guessing until the proverbial Final Fifteen Minutes.

Best of all, our conversations with peppered with good-natured witticisms. It was, all in all, really fun. And I am so grateful for the time with my favorite girl. 

January 5

I've been feeling tired of late. I'm sure part of it is aging because that is most definitely happening. And I can probably also tie it to an increase in dreams about Logan; me looking for him or wishing he was here. Or, in some cases, losing him all over again and dealing --again-- with the freshness, the awful newness, of those feelings.

I don't expect that I'll ever get over what happened.  I've learned to live with it as best I can over the course of the past nearly-13 years. I've consciously looked for the blessings that have arisen from our tragedy. I've taken note of the ways that God used his passing to transform me into a better person. But that doesn't mean that it's not still hard. It is. I am scarred.

So yes, the scars and the dreams make me tired. But when I was in church this morning, singing this song -- "all my life You have been faithful, all my life You have been so, so good" -- the truth of those words hit me right in the middle of all of that weariness. 

And my heart and spirit absorbed the message; took it in like honey from Heaven: God is good, all the time. Even when I'm tired and when my heart aches and when I'm not sure what to do next. God is still good. 

January 4

Adam and Isaac are both interested in strategy games, so it makes sense that they enjoy playing them together.

They've been playing Diplomacy for a few days now. It's not really my kind of game so I've never taken the time to understand it very well, but they're fully involved in making their orders.

And it's a blessing to see them having a good time together.

January 3

I don't usually try to crash my kids' friend-outings, but I knew Abby was meeting Gracie at the Mother Ship this morning and it was unusually busy there, so I stuck around after I'd finished my coffee to hold a table.

The two of them have been friends for quite a long while now, so when I saw them together again for the first time in quite a while, it took me back in time to when they were younger; to when I was younger, too.

They're both wonderful young women now, but that little whiff of the way things were was a blessing on a rainy Friday morning.

January 2

I had so much fun playing cards after dinner this evening.

Brady brought a quintet of his favorite animals down for the occasion, and there was plentiful laughter and silliness and general chicanery around the table.

But my favorite moment came as the very last hand drew to a dramatic close. Isaac, who finished last in nearly every round, unexpectedly won. He celebrated his victory as the unseated Abby shouted "no!" and the rest of us just laughed and laughed. 

I know I wrote this yesterday, but I do so love playing games with my family. Tonight I especially loved how well Isaac handled losing over and over again. He could've gotten frustrated, but he cheerfully made light of his misfortune instead. I know life doesn't always work this way, but it was a nice reminder that sometimes, even after finishing last over and over (and over) again, the Nice Guy does win. So if you're in a place where you're wondering if you're ever going to get ahead, just keep trying. You never know when you'll finally hit pay dirt.

January 1

The first day of 2025 was a low-key one. (Mostly. When I first got up, Isaac and Brady were in full Teen Boy Coursing With Testosterone mode, but the roughhousing eventually wore them out and a quiet house was the result.)

Anyway, some of us watched a "Lord of the Rings" movie, some of us crocheted, some of us cleaned up the kitchen, and some of us went for a walk. (In order: not me, me, me, and not me.)

And then after dinner I suggested we play cards, so after the dishes were cleared (save Brady's, since he's still in the "if I don't like how this looks I'm not eating it" phase), the boys put on their shades and Adam dealt a deck for a few rounds of Class Struggle.

I love playing cards with these people. I love that they're all old enough now to play both fairly and competitively. And I love the laughs that inevitably punctuate the games. It was a fun activity to start the New Year, and I am grateful for the time together.