February 24

There was a high school baseball fundraiser at a local eatery this evening. I wasn't initially thrilled about going (mostly because I was wide awake at 4:30 this morning and spent much of the afternoon alternating between tired and dozing off). But I'm glad that I did.

(I didn't think to take a photo while I was there so here's one I took of Brady and Jackson at school pick-up. I figure it works because they both play baseball.)

Anyway, I'm glad that I went because it gave me the opportunity to connect with folks that I've known for a while now and like. Better still, I realized --as I was sitting there sipping the half-glass of wine that Shannon graciously shared and listening to the buzz of conversation all around-- that I felt very comfortable. I felt like I belonged right where I was. And given how that feeling has been either absent or fleeting for me throughout much of my lifetime, it was a blessing to feel that sense of community.

February 23

It was my turn to lead Bible study this morning. I think I did a serviceable job (and the ladies in the group were more than gracious in response to my effort), but what was most notable to me from the experience was the closing prayer.

Rather than having just one person take care of it as is our usual custom, we went around the circle and took turns praying for one another's expressed needs.

And I thought it was beautiful. In fact, I could actually feel the Holy Spirit bubbling up in my chest, which isn't exactly a routine experience for me. I almost asked if anyone else could feel it when we were leaving, but opted to keep it to myself.

So for those gifts --of being able to lift one another up and of feeling connected to God in such a tangible way-- I am thankful.

February 22

The little pond in our backyard has been empty --as in bone-dry-- for months now. There were issues with the pipes that need to be addressed, so we simply turned it off and the water evaporated.

And then last week, the rains came. It poured for several days running, and when I ventured into the yard this afternoon, I found that those bountiful rains had fully filled that little pond.

I know that in my lifetime, I've had seasons that have felt very spiritually dry; almost desert-like, in fact. Barren and fruitless. So it's a blessing to remember that even the driest of land can be reinvigorated and restored to a life-giving state. For me, I know that if my heart is open to Jesus, He will enter and provide the spiritual refreshment that I need, just like the rainwater that filled our pond.

February 21

Brady donned a high school baseball uniform for the first time today. It was just a nine-inning (thankfully, home) scrimmage against Burlingame. But it was still rather surreal to see my baby wearing those duds and settling into his brand new number (15). It still seems insane that he's already in high school. I know Adam feels the same way, because as the scrimmage began, he sat back in his seat and mused "wow, it's been three years since we've watched games at this field." (Which is true, because JV and Varsity have dibs on the better field that's around the corner.)

Anyway, there are 20 kids on the freshman roster this season (which is a lot compared to Isaac's previous high school seasons) so there were a lot of kids coming in and out of the game, but overall, it was a good one for Brady. Each pitcher threw a single inning, and Brady was the first one up. He gave up one unearned run and had a strikeout (or two... I'm not positive because it was the beginning of a three-plus hour long nine inning game), so I think he was satisfied. Defensively, he spent time in center field and at first base. At the plate, he went two for two with a walk.

It was really fun to watch them play and to listen to them cheer for each other from the dugout. There's an energy and excitement there that I just don't experience anywhere else. The 18-2 final score suggests they could be a solid team, but of course only time will reveal if that's the case or not. 

Anyway, today I'm grateful for the gift that is watching my kiddos as they engage in activities they enjoy.

February 20

Adam and I had our Valentine's Day dinner at Haps this evening.

We stopped trying to go out on February 14 a number of years ago; the last attempt at doing so featured us seated at a too-small table, surrounded by other couples seated at table were also too small and far too close together. Given that neither of us love small spaces or crowds, it seemed a no-brainer to pick a different date.

So that's what we started doing. And today was the day. And I am grateful to God for the time with my hunny spent enjoying excellent food and conversation (even if I was too stuffed to have a chocolate creme brulee).

February 19

Brady has a few videos of himself pitching that one of his teammates took during practice today. He reviewed them this evening (with the occasional glance upward at the "Simpsons" episode we were watching) to try to isolate the issue he feels like he's had with his delivery of late.

After the TV was off and Isaac and Adam had gone to bed, he moved onto the floor near where I was seated so he could show me the videos too. So I watched them. And honestly, other than noting that his leg kick was a little low and his arm angle a little off to the side, I didn't see much.

But he kept looking. And reviewing. I gave him his pitching coach's number so he could ask him for his thoughts. And then he said good-night and went upstairs. And I know he kept right on thinking, because about five minutes later, he came back downstairs and announced that the thinks the problem is that he's not drawing enough power from his back leg.

I understood what he meant and he may well be right. But I was more impressed by his tenacity. He's not someone who will just give up when things get challenging, and I know God blessed him with that determination. So for that gift in my son --my baby-- I am thankful.

February 18

Adam made spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner this evening after he got home from work.

It's not unusual for him to cook, but it was especially appreciated today as I've not been feeling the best. 

As I munched on that crunchy garlic bread, I reflected on what a blessing it is to have a partner who is an actual partner; who shares responsibility and helps to keep our household afloat in practical ways. I know that not everyone enjoys that kind of luxury.

So for the blessing that my hunny is to me, I am grateful.

February 17

It was cold and rainy today. And by "rainy" I mean downpour-y. (As I sit here writing, in fact, the rain is pelting the roof with impressive and vaguely frightening ferocity.) While I was trying to avoid going outside, Brady was at school finding out that he will indeed play for the freshman baseball team this year with uniform number 15. So some good news there (and a heads' up to those of you who supported the baseball program when Isaac played: I'm sure we'll be in touch soon!). 

With all of that said, after Adam and I returned from dinner at Mexico Lindo (sorry Abby), I was very happy to switch on my electric blanket and wrap myself in its warmth. Although our current 41-degree temp may seem warm to lots of you (and part of me -- the young part of me who grew up back east and actually had to deal with snow and ice during the winter months -- acknowledges that it's not actually that cold), it's chilly to me now. 

So today, I'm thankful to God for good news that made Brady launch into his cute, rapid-talking  excited-mode, and for warm blankets on cold days. 

February 16

Since it's President's Day and I didn't need to be anywhere in particular today, I didn't set my alarm clock last night. So I slept in this morning. (And I mean really slept in.)

When I first emerged from my room, I found Brady in the kitchen trying to figure out what he wanted to eat. After mulling his choices, he asked if he could use some of the greens from the hydroponic garden (because that's what the stand I mentioned yesterday is actually called) in a smoothie.

So that's what he did: he took some parsley, spinach, and crunchy leaf lettuce and combined it with strawberries, milk, yogurt, and ice to create his smoothie. And then he gave me some, too.

I love watching him (and his siblings) as they gradually become more responsible and independent. (And I love it when they share the fruits of their labor and creativity with me, too.) It's all a blessing.

February 15

Adam got me this indoor farm stand contraption for my birthday last month. It's kind of complicated, but the watered down explanation is that you put seedlings that were started in peat pellets into spaces on this big self-watering stand that includes built-in LED lights. And then you wait for your produce to grow.

Mine is currently growing several different varieties of lettuce, spinach, and a few other greens, and I occasionally stop by the stand to pluck a leaf to munch on between meals. And they are all just so fresh and good.

Anyway, tonight as he was making dinner, Adam asked me to harvest some lettuce from the stand, so I did. 

And it was, not surprisingly, really tasty stuff; the kind of tasty that makes me close my eyes and think "mmmm, goodness from dirt". (Lest that sounds weird --and I'm sure it does-- I've always had an affinity for foods that I think of as earthy.) So tonight, I'm grateful for fresh food and for the setup that allows me to easily grow my own.

February 14

Ah, Valentine's Day. Our day of love began with Isaac heading off to camp, but not as a camper or a work crew volunteer this time. One of the leaders for the Young Life middle school Presidents' weekend camp got sick, so they asked Isaac to step in as a leader. He's in charge of a cabin of eighth grade boys and I'm praying that he has a great time (and is filled with a huge dose of patience for his charges).

Then several additional hours were spent at the high school watching the freshmen boys finish up tryouts with an intersquad scrimmage. Brady was the first pitcher up and, to be blunt, he struggled. Badly. He's been sick all week and felt particularly awful this morning, but he knew it was important to show so he suited up and hit the diamond. I could tell from the first warm-up pitch that his velocity was way (way) down, and the boys took advantage. Fortunately, he played good defense and had a nice hit too, so hopefully his success earlier in the week will make up for today's gaffe on the mound. (And hopefully the black eye he gave himself getting into the car after --yep, getting into the car ("why is the door frame curved like that?!")-- will heal up soon, too.

Nonetheless, it was good to be outside. It was good to watch my baby play his first game on the Varsity field. It was good to have brief conversations with some friends. And although our Valentine's Day didn't offer much traditional drippy-candled Valentine'ing (aside from the chocolates and peanut butter pretzels and large Conversation hearts I got for the boys and Adam and the candy and flowers Adam got for me), it was still full of love in more practical forms. So for that, I am grateful.

February 13

Nikki and I took one of our mall walks this morning. I was a little early so while I waited for her, I plunked down in front of Mini Cat Town to stare at the kitties (like I do).

The little grey tabby on the right immediately strolled right up to the window and parked herself in front of me. And although I tried (hard), she wasn't interested in making eye contact. A few minutes later, the one on the left came over to say hi; she walked right up to the window and looked right at me. 

And I talked to them through the glass until Nikki arrived.

I'm too allergic to cats to own one, but it's always a blessing when I can interact with them (safely, through glass). 

February 12

The remembrance of Logan continued this evening with more chocolate cake after dinner. And it was so, so delicious, so it's safe to say that I am grateful that God inspired someone to create chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

But what I feel prompted to write about tonight is something that happened yesterday at the Red Cross. I was sitting in the cantina area sipping a bottle of water and playing on my phone while I waited for Adam to finish his donation process when a familiar song that I don't hear often these days began playing on the radio.

And I chuckled, because it was "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston. Most probably don't know this, but the songstress died on February 11, 2012 -- the same day as Logan. When I first heard that she'd passed, I thought that it was rather ironic that someone who sang so fervently about dancing died on the same day as my kiddo who loved little more than shaking his booty to the music. 

In that moment in the donation center, as I listened to those lyrics, I could see him smiling and laughing and dancing on the big screen in my mind. So for that timely gift from God, I am grateful.

February 11

Fourteen years. When I type it out, it seems... unfathomable. But regardless of my ability to believe it, today marks the 14th anniversary of sweet Logan's passage from my arms to those of our Savior. And even after all the years that have passed since I last saw him take a breath on this side of Heaven, I'm still not sure how to react to what happened. But I do the best I can.

And this year's version of "the best" began with my usual stop at Starbucks. I nestled into a chair and sipped my coffee and nibbled on a slice of chocolate pistachio loaf, which I tried for the first time because of its tangential relation to chocolate cake; as I reasoned on Facebook, I like to think that Logan's taste would've matured to appreciate more flavors by the time he was 19 years old. While there, I had a brief conversation with Jim, one of the quartet of eightysomething gentlemen who hold court at a big table each morning; I quietly shared that it was the anniversary of my son's death, and after a pause, he remarked, with great sadness in his eyes, that he couldn't imagine anything more painful than losing a child. 

Then it was back home, where I continued with my Bible reading and then joined Adam to watch some Olympic coverage. We watched athletes live out their dreams in skiing. And on a day like today, that feels like a worthy activity.

Next up we went to Costco for lunch as we sometimes do on this day. Logan had an affinity for that cheesy cheese pizza, so we took the opportunity to enjoy one of his favorite meals before traversing the aisles in search of necessities. While there we picked up a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (and spoiler alert -- we enjoyed it after dinner and it was delicious. He would approve). Then a little later we donated blood, as we do every year. And then dinner --before the cake and after Isaac brought Brady home from baseball tryouts-- was spaghetti and meatballs, another Logan-favorite.

So that was my day. As I noted at the outset of this entry, I'm still not sure what to make of the reality that he's not here; of the hard truth that God didn't answer my fervent prayers in the way that I so hoped that He would. And I've come to realize that I probably won't understand on this side of Heaven because I can't know the mind of God. But despite my uncertainty about the circumstances that came to pass, I am certain about a few things: for one, Logan is in Heaven. Two, God is still unassailably good, even though Logan is in Heaven and not physically present in my life. And three, we will see that sweet boy again some day. And for the knowledge of those important truths, I am as grateful as I could possibly be.

February 10

Brady hasn't been feeling well for about a week now. Since his primary complaint is a sore throat, I decided to take him to urgent care this afternoon in order to rule out strep.

He was --as I hope he'd be at 15 years of age-- agreeable about the whole thing; he put up with both the nasal (for COVID and the flu) and throat swabs and waited for the results without complaint.

In the end, all of the tests came back negative, so I gave him some Delsym Cough and Sore Throat this evening and told him to get some good sleep. Hopefully, prayerfully, he'll feel better very soon.

The experience reminded me that easygoing kids who roll with the proverbial punches are a blessing. So I am thankful for mine.

February 9

The boys didn't have school today --in remembrance of Lincoln's birthday-- but the baseball calendar marches forward regardless of holidays so Brady had day one of freshman team tryouts this afternoon.

When I picked him up afterward, I asked how it went and then held my breath (because after years of being a sports mom, it's what I've trained myself to do). I released said-breath in relief when he replied with an enthusiastic "actually, it was good!" as he slipped into the backseat with his gear.

In short, he pitched well and hit well, so he was satisfied. And given that he wasn't feeling the best when I dropped him off, that realization was a blessing to my mama-heart. I know what he can do so I was relieved that his under-the-weather'ness  didn't significantly impact his performance.

(And yes, the photo has nothing to do with tryouts or Brady because I didn't think to take one as I picked him up. This is actually a photo of my current work-in-progress. It's backwards so it's impossible to make out the pattern, but it's a fun one. And I'm enjoying it. So that's a blessing, too.)

February 8

Abby and Adam typically video chat on Sunday afternoons.

During today's call, Brady and I both leaned over Adam's shoulders to say hello. I laughed to myself when I saw the three of us clustered together in the upper lefthand corner of the screen, just because I thought we all looked very cute.

So much to the kiddos' collective chagrin, I snapped a photo. (And then I snapped this one, because Abby didn't want me to post a non-approved photo of her.)

Anyway, the sight made me feel a heightened sense of gratitude for our family and for the technological advancements that make keeping in touch via video calls possible. Because phone calls and text messages and emails just aren't the same as connecting face to face.

February 7

Adam was napping and I was taking in some Olympic coverage on TV this afternoon when Isaac appeared with a football in hand and went outside. Brady followed him into the backyard a few minutes later.

I finished the crochet row I was working on (since of course I was multitasking) and looked outside to see what they were up to. Rather than seeing the simple game of catch that I'd expected, I watched as they took turns hiking the ball and running around the pool to catch the pass.

They were getting exercise and having fun together. 

I love their relationship. And I'm grateful to be able to watch it continue to grow.

February 6

The sun was out and the temp was a comfortable sixtysomething late this morning, so I took the opportunity to take a solo stroll around the neighborhood.

Since we've enjoyed several sixtysomething days of late, signs of Spring abounded, including these cherry blossoms that adorned a random tree.

I do love the look of Springtime: how the bees go about their important business and how the plants sprout new leaves and flowers like these. (And pollen. That's the part I don't like so much.)

How the whole world seems to revel in the splendor of new --and refreshed-- life. So for all of that beauty and promise, I am grateful to God.

February 5

I was awakened this morning by the sound of the garage door opening as the boys headed off to their Thursday pre-school Bible study. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and craned my neck to look out the window. And when I did, I saw a whole lotta nothing, because it was foggy. And I mean fog-e -- it took my brain a few seconds to compute but I eventually concluded that the notorious Tule Fog must've made its way in from the Central Valley.

As I headed out to get my coffee a short time later, I marveled at how the fog nestled into every nook and cranny, obscuring even the most obvious and familiar details from view. I continued along the usual path --albeit more slowly and cautiously-- but still felt a twinge of fear because I couldn't see what was ahead.

I think life can be like that sometimes, particularly when when we find ourselves in situations where the outcome is up in the air and we can't see what's coming next. And that can be scary, because The Unknown is often filled with more questions than we can answer. And if you're like me, you like answers.

But the good news is that the path we're to follow is still there, even if we can't see it, because God laid out the pavement before us. It's our job to keep going --varying the pace when need be-- and trusting that the fog will eventually lift because He said it would.

February 4

I was driving behind a truck with a trailer on my way to Target this morning. Said vehicle was poking along well below the posted speed limit, so after uttering a few frustrated words under my breath, I began plotting to pass it when traffic cleared. 

Then I noticed the text scrawled across the back of the trailer and I drew in a sharp breath, because the letters strung together read 'Logan'. And suddenly, I felt perfectly content right where I was, slow pace and all. In a weird way, it was like being 'with' him once again.

With Logan's anniversary just a week away, he's been on my mind even more than usual. And seeing his name there in an unexpected place felt like an unexpected gift.

February 3

When Adam asked what I wanted to do for date night, I thought about it for a few hours and eventually decided on something unusual: In N Out.

I don't know why, but I developed a hankering for those well-done fries and that saucy cheeseburger. And honestly, I didn't really feel like going out, so eating in seemed like a great plan.

And although Adam's been working on his laptop since he finished his food, it's still been a blessing to sit here near him watching "Lakefront Bargain Hunt" and crocheting. Because any time spent with my hunny is a blessing.

February 2

I bought three cakes of a beautiful purple variegated yarn on clearance a month or so ago. I'm not generally one who does much with multicolored yarns but as soon as I saw these, I thought "pullover sweater." So they came home with me and sat on my dresser until I finished the mint green baby blanket a few days ago, which gave me the go-ahead to start something new.

(This strange puke-like shade is a terrible representation of the actual color. It's much prettier than this. Promise.)

Anyway, I finished with the front and back panels over the weekend. Today, I seamed the shoulders, completed one sleeve, and began the second. 

This kind of project is very fulfilling for me. It's rewarding to feel like I'm creating something useful, and as I've said before, I am thankful to God for the gift of being able to crochet. The act of exercising creativity is like unlocking a new level of life enjoyment for me.

February 1

After the church service this morning, Adam, Isaac, and Brady suddenly noticed they were all wearing plaid with shades of brown and gray.

I sensed an unexpected moment of male bonding taking place, so naturally I whipped out my phone and had them pose for a photo. My guys. (Well, three of them. Logan is there too, in his way, but it's always weird for me to reference the men in our family without giving him a nod, too.)

They're all Wight men so they share lots of common traits, but they're also as different as the patterns of their respective shirts suggest. Fortunately for me, all of those differing traits and tendencies (usually) work together to create a beautiful harmony

. They're all wonderful people, and I am very (very) blessed and humbled to be able to call myself their wife and mother.