November 30

I had a PTA meeting tonight and got home pretty late. As usual, I went upstairs to check on the kiddos. I found Abby listening to music on her phone, Brady sleeping, and Isaac like this:

(Seriously. This is exactly how I found him. And naturally, it's a book about baseball. Because of course it is!) It's actually the second time this week that I've found him asleep next to an open book, and I absolutely love it because there's something inherently sweet about seeing one of my kids cuddled up next to a good story. So for this little blessing on this busy day, I'm thankful.

November 29

I tried to go to bed at about 11 last night. I stared up at the ceiling for a while before I started to feel like God wanted me to go write something. It'd been quite a while since that had happened, so instead of trying to resist --because believe me, when I start feeling like I must write something, I must write it or I won't get to sleep-- I came downstairs and turned on the computer.

The words that came to me are below, but before I get to them, I want to say something else. Obviously, I don't mind when people read my writing; Logan's illness and passing gave me a boldness that I didn't really have before. But I want to be clear on one point. J.S. Bach once said "I play the notes as they are written, but it is God who makes the music." I'm certainly no Bach, but I can relate to those words because "my" best pieces aren't really mine at all; they're from God Himself, and I'm just the person gifted with the privilege of sharing them. And hopefully my all too feeble, all to human words are good enough to get the message across.

With that said, I'm not sure who exactly needs this message, but here it is: So view your biggest challenges and deepest heartaches as opportunities for God to go to bat for you in ways that are beyond the scope of plain old human comprehension. Because even in the most desperate situations we face, He moves; silently, lovingly, boldly, and with a steadfast commitment to ensuring our long-term welfare. He can --and will-- deliver every single time. So when the ground tremors and your very sense of self seems to be slipping through your fingers like grains of sand, hold fast to that truth. And don't give up.

November 28

I met a friend for breakfast this morning after school drop-offs. It was originally supposed to be a bigger group --actually, a group of fellow moms I've been hanging out with for several years now-- but illness for one and party prep for another whittled our numbers to just two.

So I ate this while we sat and chatted. (There's a pecan waffle tucked underneath the whipped cream and bananas.)

Simple truth: It's always a blessing to have time with friends.

November 27

I went for a walk by myself this morning. It was a brisk day (well, brisk for Northern Californians whose Maryland roots have become wussified over the past 20 years) so I quickened my pace a bit. By the time I got halfway around the path, I wished I had a car to take me the rest of the way. But I'm glad I went because it gave me some time to think.

It would be so amazing if, on our birthdays, we were each presented with an individualized map and instruction manual for our time on this earth. I know that over the course of my journey, I've found myself on lots of paths like the one pictured: partially obscured by obstacles or other distractions that make me a bit less sure of myself than I'd like to be. I mean, I can kind of see where I should go, but I'm just not certain.

We may not get those personalized instructions and maps, but we do have the gift of faith and of believing that God will, in His timing, lead us where He wants us to go. And though it may be frustrating when we can't see what's next, it's a blessing to know that He has it all under control... even when it feels like everything is falling apart.

November 26

We put up our exterior lights over the weekend. (Well, to be more precise, Adam put them up. But I digress.) I sat out on the porch a little while ago and just watched the lights as they danced across the fence.

There's something completely lovely about lights as they flicker on and off. They're silent and peaceful and just... calming.

And for me, it's a blessing to be able to sit there and watch them, particularly when my mind is a little too busy and my heart feels a little too heavy.

November 25

Today, we bought our Christmas tree.

It wasn't our usual foray, because the lot we'd visited last year and the year before was gone, and another location we'd used in the past had some seriously sub-par offerings. In the end, we tried a new place, quickly picked out a very nice tree, and brought it home. When it came down to the hours and minutes of it all, the car ride took 10 times as long as the actual selection process.

I guess I could've been mad about the wasted time, but I can't really, because I know that God often takes us on journeys that are longer than we might like in order to put us in specific places at just the right times. It's hard to be patient and to believe that things will turn out in the end --especially when it feels as if we've been traveling in circles and nothing is changing for the better-- but He always delivers... when He's good and ready. So no matter what road you're on, just keep walkin'. He may have a solution for you just around the next bend.

November 24

Abby and I have a long-standing tradition of doing some casual (read: we don't go out on Thanksgiving night nor are we up at the crack of dawn) Black Friday shopping, so the streak continued this morning. I pulled her initially-less-than-enthusiastic teenage bum out of bed at 8:15, and we headed out to Starbucks before hitting our usual stops to stock up on questionably-named lip gloss (for me), pajama pants (for her), and actual, practical clothes (for the Little Boys). (And also a few other things that are surprises for various folks later on.)

I'm generally open to new experiences and new people (and in fact, I've met some pretty awesome ones over the last few years), but there's really nothing like sharing traditions with my kiddos. I could say that it's just a shopping trip, but it's really much more than that: it's a time for us to laugh together (usually at the weird things other people do), make decisions together, and just have a good time. And for all of that, I'm extremely thankful.

P.S. She totally has crazy-eyes in this pic and would be oh-so thrilled to see that I used it, but hey, it's reality. :)

November 23

Every day should be filled with giving thanks, but I still think Thanksgiving is a rather nice holiday. We celebrated ours with extended family, and it was a pleasant, laid-back kind of day filled with chatter and lots of good food. Here's our group, which included my brother Charlie, Alexi, their friend Joe, and --of course-- my little fam before we left for Adam's Aunt and Uncle's house in Alamo:

It's an ugly truth that life can be extremely difficult and painful, and that at times, we can absolutely lose sight of what's truly important. So today, I'm grateful for all of the amazing people I get to call family and friends who've been with me as I've navigated my own curve-and-pothole-ridden road over the years.

November 22

MY BROTHER IS COMING! Had to get that out of the way first. :)

Since said brother is coming up for Thanksgiving (for the first time in something like nine years), we spent much of the day cleaning, straightening, etc. After most of the neatening had been completed, Adam and I decided to go for a walk around the Sports Park.

Although it was never truly sunny out, the 70ish degree weather made for a pleasant stroll. At one point, Adam looked up at the sky and noted that depending on which way we looked, the clouds looked vastly different.

And of course because I'm me, a metaphor of sorts came to mind. There are things about this life that are very distinctly black and white, but a lot of how life is lived and enjoyed is rooted in how we see it. And in some cases, how we choose to see it. So choose joy whenever you can.

November 21

I'd call today a good one. It began with coffee and work on an article at Starbucks, moved on to a colorful lunch with the fam at the Cheesecake Factory, continued with my first-ever pedicure (which I will definitely do again), and ended with the season finale of my very favorite TV show. I could've used a pic from any of those times and been happy, but the truth is I only took a few today, and they were all from lunch. So here's the best of the bunch:

The blessing of this lunch --other than getting to spend it with these fabulous people, of course-- was how jovial Adam was the whole time. He's had a tough couple of months at work so it did my heart so much good to see him laughing and goofing around with the kiddos. It gave me a healthy little shot of nostalgia, and that's a pretty darn good thing.

November 20

Parenting is hard. Here's Exhibit A from this evening.

In case it's hard to tell, it's a photo of Brady, who was very angry because he (in his own words) had "nothing to do" during the long, odious hour between dinner and bedtime.

I've gotta be honest: I wanted to yell at him and to tell him to stop being so freaking stupid. I wanted to pop him on the bum. But I didn't do either of those things because as I watched and listened to him rant and rave like a six year old, I thought about myself and the ways in which I rant and rave to God like a six year old. (And I don't even have the excuse of being an actual six year old.) So I tried to deal with him the way God deals with me: I tried to get him to tell me exactly why he was so frustrated, and I told him that I love him but that his behavior wasn't acceptable. And then, when it became clear that he wasn't really interested in what I had to say, he went to bed and I pushed the reset button and silently prayed that he'd get it... eventually.

Even after all of that, I'm thankful to be a parent and to have the gift of loving little people into adulthood. It's frustrating and heartbreaking and infuriating at times, but there really is no better job.

November 19

I looked at the bulletin while sitting in church this morning and poked Adam when I saw the date. Why? Because 20 years ago today, we started dating officially. Maybe that sounds weird, but we were in college at the time and went for a long, late-night stroll after our InterVarsity meeting. At one point, we stopped at a swingset and talked for a while. Although I don't remember exactly what was said, the end result was that we started the conversation as friends, and left to head back to the dorms as a couple. So that was November 19, 1997.

And this is now.

It was a spur of the moment thing, but we decided to go out to dinner tonight to mark the date. So we braved the mall and sat in our little booth at CPK and ate and talked and remembered.

The past 20 years have included both the very best and the very worst moments of my life, and every single one has been shared with Adam. It's not always been easy, but it's definitely been worth the effort. So today, I'm deeply thankful for the blessing that he's been --and continues to be-- to me and the family we've built.

November 18

It's not unusual for people to remark that Abby is my mini-me, and in many ways, that observation is correct. We're both masters of sarcasm, we're both driven, and we share a similar goofy sense of humor. (And some think we look a little alike, too.) Although she's clearly my child, there are moments that very clearly remind me that she's Adam's child as well.

Adam has always been a fan of fantasy books (which I affectionately call 'dork books.' Apologies to any dork book lovers out there). He's shared that affinity with Abby, and now they both enjoy reading them together. I guess a new book by one of his favorite authors came out recently, so they ran to the bookstore together to buy a copy last week. Then this morning the doorbell rang, and the package contained a pair of sweatshirts from the book's official release: one for him and one for her. They both wasted no time in donning their new apparel, and went to lunch wearing them.

It's been a real blessing to watch the two of them interact over the past 13-plus years. Relationships can definitely be hard --especially when they're marred by brokenness as so many are-- so I feel fortunate that theirs is strong (even if they are united by dork books).

November 17

Tonight, as we often do, we went to In N Out after the boys' swim lessons. When the guy at the window asked if I wanted ketchup, I said yes, and man alive, did he ever give me ketchup. Here's just part of our tomato-y loot:

As I chuckled over the pile of leftover packets on the stove after dinner, I had a thought. I think that in general, we tend to ask God for very small things, so when He delivers the really big blessings, we're surprised. The thing is, God is a God of big things. He's also the God of tiny things, of course, but as the writer of the Book of Life itself, He can do anything and everything.

So if you're holding back and not asking the big ask, or if you've lost hope that a long-standing painful circumstance will ever change for the better, just ask. And keep asking, because you never know when He'll decide to give you 50 ketchup packets rather than the five you expected. (And the 50 He delivers will be infinitely more amazing than the 20 that you only dreamed you might receive.)

November 16

Today while I chatted with a friend at the elementary school, Isaac and Brady took the opportunity to play in the rain. They splished and splashed and giggled and bounced and collected an impressive amount of water in their overturned umbrellas. By the time we left, they were thoroughly waterlogged from heads to toes.

I won't fall into the trap of saying that the primary purpose of this life is to be happy --because I don't think for half a second that that's true-- but it was such fun to see them having such a delightful time together. Since all of our moments can't be --and, honestly, shouldn't be, if we really want to rely on God-- happy, it's such a blessing to be able to fill our cups during the ones that make us smile.

And in this case, the "cup filling" just happened to be literal.

November 15

I really like cooking and probably don't do it nearly enough, mostly because I don't think far enough in advance to do, you know, actual meal-prep. But yesterday I managed to get my ducks in a row so I could make this today:

You can't really see it, but there's a pot roast under the sea of veggies. Not only was it delicious, but it made our house smell really, really good: warm and homey.

Food --and the electricity/gas needed to prepare it-- are two of the things I'm most likely to take for granted, so today, I'm thankful that I remembered that they're blessings and not givens.

November 14

There's rain in the forecast, but it was a beautiful Tuesday. Since the Little Boys had a minimum (half) day and Abby didn't, they played at the park for a while after school, and we actually got to do something we haven't done in quite a while: walk home.

Back before the kiddos went to different schools and followed different drop-off and release times, we walked regularly. So it was a nice little blast from the past to be able to wander behind them and their little backpacks as they chattered to one another about the day.

And the lovely, almost-east-coast-like fall trees certainly didn't hurt, either.

November 13

I totally missed the moment, so this will have to do:

Traffic in the Costco parking lot was kind of heavy this evening as we finished our shopping trip. As we stepped en masse into the street, Isaac instinctively put an arm around Brady's shoulder and kept it there until they'd crossed over to the other side.

I'm so grateful that they love and care for each other as much as they do.

November 12

Isaac tends to forget to mention that he has long-term homework assignments until a few days before they're due. (We're working on it.) So that's why he spent the weekend making a paper turkey and writing a speech (both due.... tomorrow). I have to say, procrastination annoyance aside, the end product is pretty cute:

This is Carter the Turkey, who plays for the A's. Yep: a baseball playing fowl constructed of glitter glue, beads, yellow and green Froot Loops, and pieces of cereal box. (The cereal box bits came from a box of Count Chocula, and comprise Carter's baseball glove. It's also noteworthy that Count Chocula is one of Carter's favorite foods.)

I've said it before, but I'm consistently impressed by my kiddos' continued growth and creativity. It's a blessing to be able to watch them grow up.

November 11

This afternoon, a pair of friends and I had tea to celebrate their recent birthdays. (Well, Nikki thought we were just celebrating Jen's birthday, but I pulled a fast one and covertly added her to the celebrant list so they both got delicious mini cupcakes with candles. Bahaha.)

Anyhow, as we sat there nibbling on treats, sipping some seriously tasty teas, and chatting, I felt a sense of deep appreciation for them and all of my friends. I may not have a big group --and sometimes I wish I did-- but I've certainly been blessed with awesome clusters of people with whom I can laugh, cry, and ramble on about this crazy life.

November 10

This evening while Isaac was off at his church youth group activity and Abby was upstairs in her room reading funny dog-related memes, Brady sat on the couch watching the "MacGyver" reboot (yeah, I know) while I zoomed around the house cleaning up.

As I straigtened and tossed and laundered and soaked, Brady periodically asked me to come and cuddle with him. I put him off three or four times until he --with BearBear tucked under his chin-- gave me a particularly plaintive look and I gave in. So I sat and he leaned into my chest. We only sat for a few minutes because we had to leave to bring Isaac home, but those moments were some of the sweetest of my day.

Slow down. Love. Breathe. Feel. Experience. Love more. Corny, I know, but as the busyness of the holiday season sets in, I'll be repeating those words to myself more than just a few times.

November 9

Like just about every other person out there, I often think "I should get some exercise." Also like just about every other person out there, that thought is often followed by "...but not today." I am, in general, pretty good about making sure I actually do keep moving, and though I definitely had both of the aforementioned thoughts today, I went for my walk this morning anyway. And (as is always the case) I'm glad I fought the lazies and did it.

It was an overcast morning and the skies threatened to sprinkle as I strolled along, but the clouds cut some impressive shapes in the sky. At one point, I looked over at the light streaming through some tree branches and stopped to just look for a minute.

Nature is an amazing, amazing creation, and I'm glad I took the time to appreciate it.

November 8

I got an unexpected little surprise this afternoon that totally made my day.

Adam is out of town again, and honestly, lately, his head has been at the office even when he's been home. But this afternoon, he sent me flowers --in the shape of a bear seated in a pumpkin pot-- and chocolate along with a sweet note thanking me for making the past week easier.

It was a humbling gift for me, to be honest, because I don't think I've done anything special at all. (Other than not get mad when he was late every day.) But still, I'm grateful.

November 7

This afternoon, the kiddos and I went to the dentist. The (not-so) small miracle is that no one had a single cavity, so that was certainly a noteworthy blessing. But I had a different favorite moment:

When the time came to pick an item from the treasure box, Brady picked this ring. I have no idea what prompted it since he's never before expressed any interest in anything even remotely girly (seriously, I'd peg him as more likely to become a series regular on WWF Smackdown). But he was super pleased with his prize. So for that moment of finding joy in an unexpected place, I'm thankful.

November 6

I don't know if it was because I decided to dress up a little just because or because I had a couple of good conversations with friends or because I found a few things I wanted but didn't expect to find while shopping, but it was a good Monday. Then I came home and had a very typical evening with these nutty people of mine:

This is actually a really accurate visual representation of what it's like at my house after the short people finish their homework: laughter, wrestling, and lots of goofy, contortist-esque moves. Sometimes the volume is a little much for my ears, but honestly, it's all beautiful music.

November 5

When the Little Boys and I went to Target to shop for Abby's birthday last week, they both wanted to get her a scooter. My initial response was a quick no, but after a few moments of wandering the aisles, I realized that it was actually the perfect idea. So that's what they (well, *I*) bought. And today, they all scootered together for the first time.

They're all different people with different personalities and different approaches to dealing with the world and with people and with challenges, but for one peaceful hour, they raced and laughed and scootered together. For those moments of simple unity and unabashed enthusiasm and joy, I'm thankful.

November 4

Morning showers gave way to afternoon sun, so we took our usual late-day stroll before dinner.

It rained just enough to clean the air but not enough to muddy the ground, so walking (or scootering) conditions were just about perfect.

Fall here isn't nearly the spectacle that it is back home; the leaves don't really change color and the air doesn't get that honeycrisp apple kind of feel. But this evening came close, and for that small blessing, I'm thankful.

November 3

And just like that, this girl of mine is a teenager. Thirteen remarkable years old.

I'm really not sure what I can say about Abby that I haven't said a million times before. She continues to amaze me with her strength, resiliency, intelligence, sense of humor, and kindness. I could roll my eyes forever over her obsession with cheeseburgers and a conga line of popular musicals, but they make her who she is so I love those things in spite of myself. She can be stubborn (she is our child, after all), but she throws her heart into every challenge she tackles and when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of life, she really does try hard to do the right things. Not the popular things, but the right ones.

So yeah, when she was born 13 years ago today, I was thrilled to have a little girl, but I had no idea that I'd hit the jackpot. And for that undeniable blessing, I'm more grateful than I can express.

Welcome to your teens, Abby. I love you!

November 2

While I was cleaning up the family room this evening, I found this. It's a charming little illustrated book that features hand-drawn iterations of the "Paw Patrol" gang.

I have no idea when Brady actually made it, but I love it, and here's why, aside from its undeniable adorabililty degree: it's a snapshot of childhood. I know he won't love these characters forever; in fact, that phase is probably just about over, since it's a preschool show and he's a big first grader. It's a lovingly created version of something that he enjoyed during this limited, fleeting moment in time.

I know --maybe as well as anyone-- that it's important to really stop and breathe in these moments. I think it's why I'm forgetful and why my house is usually a mess and why I tend to spend mornings with friends rather than toiling away with work: I want to remember, to inhale, to really live this life. And since I'm blessed to be able to step back and really see what's around me each day --and to have the time to love people in a meaningful way-- that's just what I'm going to do: I'll focus on the moments, just like Brady focused on making this sweet little book.

November 1

Today was a staff development day at school so the kiddos had the day off. (Yep. They call it "staff development" but I'm pretty sure it's a euphemism for "I don't want to deal with your sugar-laden children on the day after Halloween." Anyway....) So we (well, just I) slept in a bit and then went to Boomers with some friends for some go kart riding and water cannon shooting and laser tag and mini golf playing. (And chatting for me.)

Abby has my dry wit and love of occasional goofiness (and sass, if I'm being totally honest here), so she cracked me up as she and Brady rode around the go kart course. Every time she passed by my perch, she'd make a different facial expression or give a different hand gesture and shout a different idiom.

I was just an observer, but I loved watching her let loose and enjoy herself. With all of the pressure kids face these days, it's a pleasure to see her be... a kid.