September 10

This is a symbolic photo, because it's not really possible to take a photo of today's wink.

That's me. I don't usually like photos of myself much because my nose is crooked and my hair is usually a mess and I generally don't consider myself much to look at. But I like this one. And I like the timing of when I took it. So here goes.

I dropped Brady off for his first morning of preschool today. I didn't know how I'd respond, but when push came to shove, I handled it just fine. He was a little tentative about it, but didn't cry or even get upset. He made sure I would return to pick him up, and then said see you later. And that was that.

Then I did what I always do after dropping a kid off at preschool: I visited the cemetery to water Logan's flowers. I told him about Brady being in preschool and how I could hardly believe he'll be three in a few months. I told him about Isaac being in kindergarten and about how weird it felt to see Isaac doing something he never had the chance to do. I told him that I loved him. And that I wished I could see his face again and dance with him again and watch him grow up. And then I got in the car and drove away. As I did, my soul quietly asked for confirmation that Logan had heard me; that though he couldn't respond to me in a way that's tangible, he could still respond on a deeper level. The kind of level that I can't really comprehend. I wished very, very quietly --so quietly that only God Himself could've been privy to the thought-- that I'd hear "See You Again" on the radio. Just because.

And then I did.

So why did I use my own photo? It's complicated. It's partly because I was sitting in my car at the cemetery when I took the picture. It's partly because I hope, on some level, that the goodness of God and His grace and mercy and kindness are somehow, in some rudimentary, deeply flawed way, reflected in my eyes every now and then. And it's also partly because I will literally see him again.

Kind of complicated, I guess.