July 31

Nine years old. Logan's birthdays are always kind of strange for me; on one hand, I can't believe that I first met him nearly a decade ago. On another, I can't believe he's been gone for three-and-a-half of those years. On another (because I apparently I have three hands), I can't believe that someone who left us so soon left such an enormous mark on my heart.

We spent his birthday together: chocolate chip pancakes (shaped as Ls, of course) while watching old home videos of his birthdays. A round of Pin the Car on the T-Shirt that Abby put together. A trip to Walmart to buy some fresh plants for his grave and a quick stop at the Children's Miracle Network donation container to watch a quartet of quarters spin their way into the collection below. Lunch at Red Tractor, where for some reason, the guy at the register gave Adam FOUR coloring sheets even though we're regulars and he knows that we come with three kids each and every visit. Party City for some balloons, then the cemetery to plant the flowers and release the balloons; mine was vibrant orange and when the time came, I had a hard time letting that ribbon slip through my fingertips, but I did it anyway and watched it dance away into the blue sky above. Home for a quick rest, then off to dinner at Outback --where we were seated at a table for six; it was hard to not stare at that empty chair-- for some of that brown bread he loved so much. Then home so the kids could decorate the cake, then cake, which saw Lambie (who tagged along all day long) help the three of them blow out the candles since Logan couldn't do it himself. And that pretty much brings us to now; to me listening to Abby, Isaac, and Brady play with the new trio of Disney Infinity figures we gave them, since I couldn't bear to celebrate a child's birthday without at least one present given and received.

All in all, it felt like a good day. I battled tears a few times, but never let them fall. At least, I haven't yet. It could still happen. But in spite of my sadness, I'm thankful that Logan was here. I'm thankful for the moments we had with him. And I'm thankful that I will see him again someday.

Happy birthday, my Sunshine.