June 17

I was at a loss for words (and if you know me particularly well, you know how ridiculous that sounds), so I went back and re-read my previous Father's Day entries. All of them were tinged with the same bits of nostalgia, hope, and sadness, and all of them noted that Father's Day and Mother's Day are two of our most painful holidays.

All of that is still true today. Every bit of it. It's still hard that Logan is not here and it's still hard that we have to move forward without him and it's still hard that he wasn't here to wish Adam a good day today. It sucks and it's hard and it's unfair. And I'd be inauthentic if I didn't acknowledge and honor those feelings because they're part of my reality.

But I think it's important to be conscious that though we've lost a lot --so, so much-- we still have this:

I feel tattered and broken and raggedy much of the time, but I still have this: these beautiful, imperfect people who make me laugh and frustrate me and lift me up when I'm down and make me tired (and sometimes even rejuvenate me when I'm already tired!). And I have the guy in the center who does all he can to make me feel loved and appreciated and wanted and secure. Not everyone has that gift, so today, on this Father's Day, I'm thankful for him and for them and for memories of my Sunshine that I carry in my heart and for all they bring to my life because when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of it, my life wouldn't be my life without them.