June 16

Father's Day. As I've said before, I know it's not Adam's favorite holiday --just like Mother's Day isn't exactly mine-- but I think --I hope-- it was a gentle day. We started out at church and went directly to the A's game. There, we met up with Adam's parents and his brother and (part of) his family. After, we headed back home and had dinner and presents and ice cream cake. I think it was a good day. But I'm never quite sure.

I can't really explain what it feels like to have to keep living after your child dies. The unfortunate irony is that days like today --ones that are set aside to celebrate those special parent/child relationships-- magnify loss in a way that --once again-- I can't explain. On one hand, you want to be fully present for the kids you're still blessed to parent, but on the other, your heart absolutely aches for the one you've lost. Getting through the hours can feel like running a race wearing shoes that are several sizes too large: you lumber awkwardly along, alternately tripping and regaining your balance as you wonder if you'll ever reach the blasted finish line. That doesn't mean it's all bad, because there can certainly be lovely views along the way, but it does mean that it's complicated.

But anyway, all of that reflection aside, my prayer is that Adam enjoyed his day with us, because Abby and Isaac and Brady enjoyed their day with him, and they are most definitely blessed to be able to call him their dad.