January 10

It's weird: my birthday is tomorrow, but it doesn't feel like my birthday is tomorrow, if that makes sense. It's like I'm finding myself a little caught off guard that it's almost here; a la "oh no, I haven't reflected yet!" So I guess I should do that so I can sleep.

Overall, 45 has been pretty good to me. I certainly don't look any younger, but I feel more settled than Perpetually Rattled Younger Me ever expected to feel. And given the level of anxiety that was my norm for a very long time, that prevailing sense of peace is no small blessing.

I didn't go out with friends as much as I once did this past year and in fact, my circle got quite a bit smaller, partly by choice and partly by happenstance. And along with those evenings out went most of my desire to wear makeup. But I did begin going on Tuesday Night Dates with my most important friend --my hunny-- a few times a month. (He prefers fresh-faced me to made-up me,  so he's cool with me ditching the eyeliner.) And that time to connect and re-connect with him has been a blessing.

I also enjoyed the daily gift of watching three of my four kiddos continue to grow and change and mature. I got to take shopping trips with Abby and watch my boys play baseball. And, of course, I got to have Wednesday morning Starbucks hang-outs with the guy in the photo, too (who is, for the record, now just a hair shorter than me. It won't be long until I am the Official Family Shorty). And although he's not with me, I got to continue to remember the precious gift that was Logan's life. Sometimes it's as if I can feel his fingerprints on my heart. And there's a sweetness to that feeling that can't be captured with anything less than wordless, inaudible motions of the heart.

So yes, my birthday is tomorrow. I've never been one to worry much about my age or grey hair, so I'm ready for it to come. And I'm grateful to God for the start of another new year.