February 19

When most people see rainbows, they think Oh, how beautiful!

When I see a rainbow, more often than not, I think Oh crap, what's coming?.

After all, rainbows are the sign of a promise from God. A sort of 'it'll be okay, trust me' kind of deal. I know. I saw one two days before Logan passed away. And it was completely bizarre, because that particular day was not only rain-less, but nearly cloudless, too. I knew, at that moment, that something major was about to happen. And then, well, you know.

That's why I felt a mix of alarm and intrigue this morning when my friend and close neighbor Michelle PMd me to tell me that there was a big rainbow outside. Her message was unusual for a number of reasons. For one, since Abby is a Late Bird at school, I'm not usually up at 6:45. But I was today, because all students were Early Birds thanks to GATE testing. It was also weird because even Michelle said afterward that she doesn't usually PM me to tell me things like that.

But she did. And I went outside, saw it and snapped this picture before it faded away.

I then went about the business of starting the day, wondering, in the back of my mind, if the rainbow had special significance, or was merely a feel-good wink.

As we were getting ready to head out, Abby went upstairs to retrieve Brady. Moments later, she appeared at the top of the staircase complaining about a horrible smell in his room. I didn't think much of it... until Brady himself rounded the corner. And threw up.

I've yet to meet a mom who enjoys vomit. It stinks, it's messy, it usually indicates a contagious condition and it's not fun to clean up. But for a mom who's life has been marred by a brain tumor, vomit --especially morning vomit-- is terrifying. The fears, the memories of the times that Logan threw up... how I missed it... how if I'd just done something other than assume he'd had an allergic reaction... maybe things would've gone differently. The thoughts, the regrets, the fears... they all came back to haunt me this morning as I watched Brady throw up.

I cried. Of course I did. I don't think I'd be fully human if I didn't. But then I remembered the rainbow. How on an ordinary day, Michelle wouldn't have PMd me and I wouldn't have been up to see it. But she did. And I was.

And though vomit sucks, it'll be all right. Because the rainbow said so.