May 6

This week is always going to be a hard one for me. May 4 and 5 marked Logan's two stem cell transplant days. They were supposed to be his brand new, back-to-back re-birthdays; the new infusion of clean, strong cells was supposed to complete his recovery. But that didn't happen. And today --the day after, two years later-- I felt it like a brick wall to the head.

I looked for him today. I'm always conscious of the painful truth that he's missing, but today was different. Today I kept turning around and thinking that I saw him; that he'd run just out of sight and of reach and that all I needed to do was to run after him, corral him and take him back into the fold.

But of course, that's not my 'I am human and this is my lot in life' reality.

Still, I was extra-mindful of observing his little brothers.

I've said it many times before, but I really do see a lot of him in the two of them (and in Abby). I see him in their shared easy sense of humor and penchant for dancing. And I see him in their smiles and in the way their eyes shine when they're being sneaky and think I don't suspect anything.

So yes. Today, I watched them and I imagined what it would be like if he were there with them. And like I do every day, I wished that things could have gone differently two years ago.