July 31

I woke up this morning, came downstairs to join everyone else, and then immediately felt like I would cry. And I did, alone, after Adam left to take Abby, Isaac, and Brady to VBS for the morning. It's indescribably painful to have to celebrate Logan's birthday without him here.

But still, we had a nice enough day. Lunch at Outback, so we could have some of that "really good brown bread" Logan liked. A balloon release at the cemetery. Dinner at Chevy's. A cake baked in the same Lightning McQueen-shaped pan that I used to make his 2nd birthday cake, and lovingly decorated and accepted by his siblings in his honor and memory. One present each for the kids from Logan; Littlest PetShop for Abby, Batman legos for Isaac, and a Planes racing set that Brady repeatedly showed me a Target. And of course, Lambie was along for all of it.

But one of the most poignant moments of the day came as the hours grew small.

We haven't presented a birthday cake at the dining room table in years. Usually, it's so covered with papers and crayons and glue that we can't. But today, it was clear. And I decided, for no real reason at all, that we should have the kids blow out the candles on the cake while sitting at that table. So we did.

After the flames were out and Adam was in the kitchen plating slices, I looked down at this image on my camera's display and was gratified --truly, really gratified-- to see that Logan WAS in the picture after all. Despite my sadness that he was missing out on everything, he was right there in the photo on the buffet between Brady and Abby.

For those happy little surprises, I'm grateful. Especially on days like today.

Happy big 8th birthday, Logan. I miss you all day, every day.