July 31

It's a strange thing to celebrate a birthday for someone who's been gone a long while who you never, ever in your worst nightmare could've imagined would be gone so soon. But that's where we've been for a whole decade now: celebrating Logan's birthday without him. I know some of you can relate.

Although I suppose that summation sounds a bit negative, this day --this 16th birthday of my sweet boy-- was a relatively gentle one, as far as these days go. I got out of bed feeling very off and held back tears during that first hour of wakefulness. And then, after watching church online --because going to the building on these important Logan-days still feels impossibly hard-- it was as if the clouds lifted from my heart and that inclination to wallow in sadness dissolved. 

We went to Outback for lunch and dined on that good brown bread that he so loved. And we were amused, at one point early on, to realize that Lambie's Song --Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me"-- was playing in the background. From there we skipped over to Target, where, in the parking lot, we were collectively amused to spy a car with the license tag "FLYNM8R", which seemed extra appropriate since a) Logan and b) we were there to buy a car-with-a-face for his grave.

After the graveside visit that followed, we went home and I stole away to the bedroom, where I crocheted a little before falling asleep. And then it before I knew it it was dinner time --lunch leftovers for most of us, since between the bloomin' onion, brown bread, and entrees, there was too much to eat in one sitting-- followed by a showing of "Cars 2", and then chocolate cake for dessert.

I know that God gave us glimpses of him today, in Lambie's song and in the Mater license plate. And I am grateful for those little nods. But I'm also grateful for how I can see him in Abby and Isaac and Brady every day, and I am grateful for the profound effect that his brief life had on mine. I will never be the same, and I am thankful for the ways that God used him to teach me patience and perseverance and love. I am most grateful for what I learned about love and its all-encompassing, all-healing power.

Happy 16th, Logan. I love you.