July 31

Today is Logan's 20th birthday. How we went from age 5 to age 20 so quickly is utterly baffling, but here we are.

Adam took the day off, and we went to Outback for lunch (since Logan loved that brown bread; and in fact, we wound up with three little loaves this time around, because the first one took quite a while to emerge from the kitchen and our server felt badly about it). 

We mostly did our own things this afternoon, with Brady going to a hitting lesson, Adam and Isaac playing a video game together, Abby working on a school project, and me crocheting. And then this evening, we convened for our customary Logan's birthday dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, followed by a viewing of "Cars" and chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

It was a good day, filled with familiar things that remind us of Logan and who he was while he was here. And I am grateful to God for the time spent with my favorite people celebrating the one who can't be with us right now.

But it's also morphed into a bittersweet day, because with each passing year, I feel more and more like I'm missing out on really knowing my oldest son. He loved "Cars" and chocolate cake and spaghetti and meatballs and Outback's brown bread when he was here with us. When he was five years old. But I don't get to know what he would like as a 20-year old young man. Would he prefer vanilla now? Would he still have a taste for luxury brands like Lexus and BMW? Would that big smile of his still come easily? I don't get to know. And sometimes, the not knowing is hard on me. I've had the gift of watching Abby and Isaac and Brady grow up and mature and change over time, and although change is never an easy thing, watching them make decisions and become more independent is a gift because it's part of the design of this human life. And it makes me sad that I don't get to watch Logan make choices and learn and grow. It will never make sense, at least not on this side of Heaven.

But I know that despite my feelings, God has a plan and His plan is good. So for that knowledge and for time with family and for the chance to celebrate our sweet Logan once again, I am thankful. Happy 20th birthday, my sweet Sunshine. I love you.