July 31

Today is Logan's 19th birthday. Maybe it's because our family is on the cusp of significant change with Brady beginning high school next week and both Isaac and Abby graduating and moving on to the next phases of their lives this coming year, but this one was harder for me. It felt much quieter. More reflective. More subdued. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as I so often do.

We (meaning me, Adam, Isaac, and Brady --and Lambie!-- as Abby had to work) began the day by watching old videos of Logan's early days. We didn't have a video camera when he was born so the recordings didn't start until he was nine or ten months old, but the ones that we have are precious. It was such a blessing to see those big blue eyes and that radiant grin in motion on a big screen. It's been so, so long.

After several hours of video action, we embarked on individual activities. I'm not entirely sure what everyone else did, but I went into the bedroom and fell asleep because I was utterly, to the bone exhausted. It's both emotionally and physically taxing to simultaneously celebrate and mourn. 

I'm not sure how long I was out, but I got up in time to head out for early dinner at Outback when Abby got home, since Isaac had to work at 6. We enjoyed some of the really great brown bread that Logan loved so much and then came home, finished assembling the chocolate-chocolate cake, and watched "Cars 2." And then when Isaac got home at 9:30, we closed out the day's festivities with said-cake.

And that was Logan's 19th birthday in a nutshell. It was, as I already wrote, quiet. Maybe even a touch melancholic for me; it's hard to truly celebrate a birthday without the birthday boy present. I'm used to it, of course, but it's still painful in a way that I still can't really describe. 

Still, there were good things about the day. The videos were wonderful. Dinner with the rest of the family was great because although Abby, Isaac, and Brady are all their own distinct selves, I can see bits and pieces of him in them, too. The cake was delicious. It's always fun to watch "Cars" movies. Our old college friend Gerard messaged me a drawing that a friend of his made of Logan as a "Cars" car, which is pretty amazing. Those are all good gifts that today delivered and I am grateful for them.

I sure wish Logan could've been here with us to celebrate number 19, but I'm thankful that he was here to dance and laugh and help me to learn to love being a boy-mom. And I'm thankful that thanks to Jesus, I know I will see him again some day. 

Happy birthday, Sunshine.