July 31

Twelve years ago today, Logan made me --a girl-turned-woman who'd always seen herself with daughters-- a boy-mom. His first few months were tough on me, but once the bumps in the road smoothed out, he made me happier than anyone else on earth. See, while Abby was a daddy's girl, Logan was definitely mine. His smile was like pure sunshine and though he was but a little boy, I know he loved me. And I loved him.

So today we celebrated his birthday. I've said it a few times over the past few days, but I can't really describe how it feels to celebrate the birth of a child who's no longer with you physically. So I won't try. I'll just say that there were videos of his birthdays past and big dangly earrings for me that I know he would've loved (because he loved giving me big jewelry) and a trip to Outback at lunchtime for his treasured brown bread and a shiny new Hot Wheels Corvette and balloons at the cemetery and "Mater's Tall Tales" and a walk around the neighborhood and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. And birthday cake with candles lovingly lit and extinguished by the rest of us; those who knew him and loved him the best of all.

And we all kept breathing and we all laughed, and most of us probably cried a little, too. And we celebrated, because although aspects of this life can break our hearts, a life well-lived is always worth celebration. Even when there are tears intermingled with the laughter.

July 30

Since today was (allegedly) National Cheesecake Day, Adam and I went to lunch at (ta-da!) The Cheesecake Factory. We were both pretty stuffed after finishing our non-dessert foods, so we took our half-price slices of cheesecake home, and we're both enjoying them right now as we watch the A's game on TV. (Okay, so my Cherry Ghirardelli Chocolate looked better before I took a few bites. Just imagine it looking prettier.)

Tomorrow will not be an easy day, per se. It never is because it's never "easy" to celebrate your child's birthday without your child. But it's really nice to have a calm evening beforehand. And for the quiet moments, I'm thankful.

July 29

Logan's 12th birthday is in two days. We did as we virtually always do on Sundays and visited his grave after church. When we arrived, we found these on his stone:

I don't know who left them, but it means so, so much to know that he's still remembered six years after he departed this life. In fact, I was just telling Adam yesterday that as time passes, I feel like I have fewer natural opportunities to bring him up in casual conversation, and that bothers me because though I can no longer see or feel or hear him, he played an integral role in shaping me into the person I am today.

So thank you, mystery person. Your gesture is more appreciated than you'll ever know.

July 28

We headed home today following our brief foray to the mountains. As is often the case, hilarity ensued during the drive, and much of it starred BearBear.

Initially, the party-like atmosphere in the second and third rows was kind of annoying, and I definitely shushed them more than once. But after the monotony of the trip set in --after we'd descended from the mountains and coursed through expanses of farmland and arrived back at the oft-slowly moving freeway-- the laughter became something of a relief. So today, I'm thankful to have had BearBear (aka Abby)'s off-kilter sense of humor along for the ride.

July 27

Today we took it much easier than yesterday. Sort of.

We didn't head off for a hike, but in the mid-afternoon hours (after Adam finished a conference call), we --meaning Adam, Isaac, Brady, and me, because Abby opted out in favor of YouTube and Instant Messaging her friends-- opted to walk to the rec center so the boys could swim. It was a much longer walk than I'd anticipated with lots of elevation change (because mountains, duh me), and we were pretty tired by the time we'd walked there and back. We headed out to dinner at the Snowshoe Brewery, and then came home and played a few rounds of cards before bedtime.

Here we are out on the patio a few minutes before the boys decided they'd had enough of the bugs, which prompted relocation to the kitchen table.

There was really nothing unique about today, as is the case with many, many of our days on this earth, but it was pleasant to go to dinner, pleasant to play cards, and (mostly) pleasant to go for that walk. And for all that pleasantness on an ordinary day, I'm thankful.

July 26

We got up this morning, ate, and then headed out for a hike to Asa Lake, where the boys went backpacking last month. I won't lie: the drive was rough, and it was mostly because I was feeling out of sorts. (Which was mostly because my neck and back have been hurting lately and the trail head was located off a pothole-pocked dirt road that I thought would never, ever end.) But we persevered, wandered through meadows filled with the remnants of what must've been an impressive wildflower display, and arrived at our destination.

While there, we lunched, took turns walking along a bobbing fallen tree, and visited a mini waterfall, where everyone but me got their heads wet and did shampoo commercial-worthy hair flips.

It wasn't a perfect day by any means. I was cranky and didn't handle my emotions as well as I could have. But it was still a blessing to see a new place with my people.

July 25

We packed up the car (and the kids) this morning and set off for Adam's parents' cabin in the Sierras. Logan's birthday is on the 31st, and Adam often takes off the last bit of July, probably partly because he has vacation days to use and partly because he wants to gear up for the big event surrounded by the four people who best understand the ramifications of said big day.

So anyhow, here we are. After dinner, we grabbed some ice cream and headed out for a stroll (as we so often do).

I did as I often do and trailed behind the others, half watching them interact and half looking at my surroundings. At one point, they started singing TV theme songs. Since Abby's begun the process of binge watching "Full House," that one was first up on the menu, but the impromptu singalong soon progressed to feature "Mr. Rogers," "Caillou," "Arthur," and a truly impressive array of kids' favorites. (Seriously, the amount of random stuff Abby manages to store in her mind is astounding.)

They're goofy people for sure, but they're my people. I wish Logan could be in this picture, holding Abby's hand and laughing like a maniac as he recalled the theme song from "Dragon Tales," but I can't --won't-- lose sight of the fact that I'm blessed to have the people who are in the photo here with me. It's easy to get lost in grief sometimes, but having people around to soften the edges is a blessing. And if the five of us can band together and blur our shared edges... that's a very big deal indeed.

July 24

I know it's probably a little silly, but I actually waited the full six months after I had my ears pierced to wear anything but studs. (I'm a rule follower. Always have been.) It was hard to wait because I've always wanted to wear little hoops, but I stuck it out, and then last week, at long last, the day arrived and I plucked these from their box:

It's such a small thing and it's almost embarrassing to admit how much I secretly enjoy trying out different styles (at age 40, when most girls do it at 12), but I'm thankful that such a small thing still has the power to bring me a sprinkling of glee.

July 23

When I went outside this evening, I looked up and spent a few minutes studying the clouds.

It's a show that happens just about every day (except on those all-blue ones), but I don't notice it very often because I'm usually too busy going about my business. So this evening, I'm thankful that I took some time to notice how God uses the sunlight to color the clouds.

July 22

Isaac has been friends with Tessa and Trevor for quite a long time now. He met Tessa first, when both were in a dance class together as preschoolers, then he was in kindergarten with both of them, and then he played baseball with Trevor. And today, he got to help them celebrate their 10th birthdays.

We live in something of a high turnover area, so my kids have seen plenty of their friends come and go over the years. So he's blessed to have had the chance to grow up and share so many different experiences with these two.

July 21

'Twas a lovely evening for a walk, so that's what we (well, most of us. Abby abstained) did.

It was a little on the humid side but markedly cooler than much of the past week, and it was breezy to boot. So yep: a nice night for scootering for the boys, and a nice night for walking for the grown ups.

Sometimes, that's all you really need.

July 20

This is kind of a weird one, but here goes. Abby drew this picture for me this afternoon:

It's a piranha. Yep. A vicious fish.

Potential subtext aside, I love that she still draws me pictures sometimes. She's growing up so, so fast, but those little pieces of artwork she shares? They hearken back to her much-treasured days as a little one. (Even if this particular piece is a piranha.)

July 19

I've freelanced for years now, but I haven't had a full time job since early 2004, when I was newly pregnant with Abby and developed debilitating "morning" (which is code for "every second of every day") sickness. Adam, on the other hand, got a job with Intel right out of college --before we'd even graduated, actually-- and has been there ever since. Tonight, in honor of the company's 50th birthday, we went down to Santa Clara to watch a drone show:

I don't spend a lot of time reflecting on it because I'm always at home, but that company has been really, really good to us for the last 18 years. They were good to us when we were recent college grads just getting started, good to us when our kids were born, and incredibly good when Logan was sick and after he passed on.

I know large corporations often take flak for being impersonal, but I don't think that's been our experience. So for the people Adam has known along the way who've gone above and beyond and for those he'll meet down the line, I'm very thankful.

July 18

So full disclosure here: Brady looks upset in this pic from this evening, but he's totally not. Quite the opposite, actually.

See, after we dropped Abby at her 6:30 youth group meeting, we jetted across town to take Isaac to his baseball clinic at 7. With little to do and too much energy to possibly sit still, Brady and I went out front and wandered and played games: guess the number, rock-paper-scissors, and his favorite: Run Into Mom At Full Speed. (As an easy bruiser, it was not my favorite game.) Anyway, each time I dodged him, he pretended to run into other objects: walls, railings, windows. In the picture, he'd just pretended to ram the wall, which he actually found quite funny.

So, two points here: one, it's fun to just goof off with him and I'm blessed to have had some time to do that this evening. And two, things aren't always as they appear, so it's often worth digging below the surface to make sure that what you think you see is actually what's there.

July 17

I spent my earliest days in a far less suburban place than I live now, surrounded by large expanses of countryside and clear, blue sky. There were lightning bugs that flickered on and off during humid summer nights and heat lightning and tiny purple violets that dotted the grass. And there were these, too:

They're itty bitty clover flowers, which --way back when-- I loved to pick and arrange into equally itty bitty bouquets. So when I saw a bunch of them outside the boys' baseball clinic this afternoon, I remembered those days and smiled to myself.

You can't ever go back, of course, but you can always remember and smile.

July 16

One day last week, Isaac offhandedly mentioned that he'd yet to win any of the daily competitions at his baseball clinic. He didn't complain, per se, but I could tell that it bothered him.

So my heart smiled this afternoon when I picked him up from his classes and he shared that he'd won not one but both of the day's competitions: one in pitching, one in hitting.

Success isn't the end-all, be-all of life, of course. I firmly believe that it's better to be a good, honest person than it is to be on top of the heap. But it was a blessing to see his hard work pay off in a tangible way since an ounce of success can prompt scores of additional effort.

July 15

Abby gets her braces tomorrow afternoon, so this evening I decided to take her out for a little treat. I wasn't sure where we were going when we left the house, but we wound up at the Dairy downtown, where we indulged in ice cream cones.

I took this picture --much to her chagrin-- and when I looked at it, I was surprised to see that she's markedly taller than me. I'm not sure when that happened; we'd been very, very close to the same size for quite a long while, but to see an actual, notable difference was jarring.

But it was jarring in a good way, because it's always, always a blessing to be able to see my children grow and change. So although I will no doubt wind up being the shorty in my immediate family --and I've never had a desire to be short-- I say bring it on.

July 14

Tonight, a relatively small group of us got together for a quarterly birthday celebration.

We sat on the patio at a restaurant downtown and people-watched as we chatted --and laughed to the point of tears at times-- over our dinner. And in the end, I headed home with a full heart.

My friends are always worth my time, so I'm thankful that I got the chance to spend a few hours with these ladies.

July 13

I was really, really tired much of today. Between VBS and Isaac's well check-up and swimming and my own hair appointment, I did a lot of running around, and the oddly humid mid-90s temps probably didn't help, either. So by dinner time --when Isaac decided we all needed to play Scrabble-- I was zonked. But Brady surely wasn't.

He flitted to and fro in the family room, decked out in his hooded Paw Patrol pajamas, a Mario Brothers scarf, and Lightning McQueen slippers as he repeatedly tossed an inflatable baseball into a big butterfly net and then laughed.

He's a wackadoodle sometimes and I legitimately have no idea how he comes up with some of his more off-the-wall ideas, but I'm thankful for his creativity and for how he makes me laugh -- even when I'm really, really tired.

July 12

I go back and forth on whether or not I'm happy about being our elementary school's PTA President this coming school year. Much of the time, I'm kind of annoyed over it because the role really (really) just fell in my lap. In fact, a year ago, if you'd have told me I was going to be in this position right now, I would've laughed in your face. Loudly. For a long, long time. But experiences like the one I had tonight make me glad that I'm where I am.

It was just an executive board meeting at a park of all places, but it felt really good. We got through our entire agenda in good time, had some really excellent discussion, floated some great ideas, and communicated effectively. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could actually handle this job I wasn't really thrilled about taking.

And those feelings of competence and optimism, my friends, are huge blessings.

July 11

I know I'm a bit seasoned to think about half birthdays, but today was mine: I'm now officially straddling the line between 40 and 41. To celebrate, the boys and I went to 7-Eleven after VBC (while Abby hit the town with her fellow volunteers).

Yeah, we actually went because it's Free Slurpee Day, but the underlying truth is still the same: though it's been a frustrating week so far, I'm thankful to have taken 40 1/2 trips around the sun. I'm not sure that I'm getting wiser as I get older, but I like to think I'm slowly becoming a better person. And for that, I'm thankful.

July 10

Abby and I took a stroll around the park this evening (as we often do. I have to hit my daily 15,000-step requirement, after all). During our outing, we came upon a Beach Boys-music-pulsating 90's BMW sitting at a stoplight. So we did as respectable people do and danced along as we walked, though Abby danced way, way more effectively than me. This is a terrible picture because I wasn't fast enough to capture the greatness but hey, it's what I got.

I love that she just throws herself out there like she often does. I think she knows when it is and isn't appropriate to be silly, but I love that she fully embraces her quirks and doesn't care what other people think. I could take a lesson from her, I think, so it's one of the many reasons why it's a blessing to have her in my daily life.

July 9

Other than the first and last few hours, today was a very, very frustrating one for me. To close it out, Adam cheered me up by taking me to dinner (and buying me cheesecake!). And before things got under my skin, this was how the day began:

VBS (or VBC, as it's called this go-round since who wants to think about 'school' during the summer?) began today. Our kids have attended every year they've been eligible save 2017, when we were on Kaua'i. So this morning they got up, put on their shirts, and very nicely posed for me before we headed out.

I'm thankful for the program and for the volunteers who run it --including Abby, who's working with the preschoolers this year-- since I know it's not an easy show to put on.

It's a blessing to have identifiable bright spots in an otherwise exasperating day!

July 8

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I've had issues with arthritis in my knees since shortly after Abby was born. The discomfort comes and goes in waves, and when I got up this morning, I definitely felt... creaky.

I try not to medicate too often, but this evening, as I think about heading off to bed, I'm thankful that this kind of stuff exists to take the edge off.

July 7

Between Abby's missions trip and the boys' backpacking adventure and baseball and swimming and work, I wasn't sure we'd make it to the Alameda County Fair this year. But though the mercury rose into the 90s, today wound up being the day.

We headed over to the fairgrounds mid-morning and hit all of our usual stops: pig racing, kids' pedal tractor pull, exhibits. We wandered and absorbed the atmosphere and I had my annual mental journey back in time to when I spent many a warm August day at the Montgomery County Fair, riding rides and eating delicious grilled cheese sandwiches and tasty ice cream and helping my mom and grandma with the Home Arts' clothing department --and rescuing balloons that had escaped their owners and floated to the tippy-top of the building's sky-high ceiling. Good days, they were.

So yes. Today was about taking a glimpse back at those days, and about spending time with my own family. Given that I'm physically far from where I grew up, it's always a blessing when I can conflate my then with my now.

July 6

Adam and I walked again this evening. At one point as we strolled along Martin Avenue, he looked up at the sky and after a few lingering moments, I followed his gaze and saw this:

I recognized an angel right away, and Adam concurred. It sounds cheesy, but it made me think that angels truly are all around us. And that's a comforting thought.

July 5

Before the Little Boys went to bed this evening, they came into the kitchen --where I was prepping to go pick up Abby from a VBS volunteer meeting-- and each gave me a hug. As they headed for the stairs, I called them back and squeezed them both at once until they giggled.

Every time someone who hasn't been around my kids for a while sees them, they marvel over how much taller they've all gotten in the last year. It's true -- they really have grown a lot. And in that moment in the kitchen tonight, I was suddenly more keenly aware than usual that they're only going to be their current sizes (still smaller than me!) for so many more years. So I decided to embrace it. Literally. And the resulting giggles? Just a blessed bonus.

July 4

I only took one photo today and it's a little reminiscent of yesterday's, but it's a good one so I think I'll keep it. And him.

I've been debating about how truthful I want to be here, and since I'm pretty honest by nature --even when it winds up being to my detriment-- I may as well go full-throttle: much of this year has been hard. I've spent a lot of it feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and even a little invisible at times. But I can always count on this guy --who accompanied me on a long walk around the Sports Park and then took me downtown for some Rita's afterward-- to listen and to try to help make things better or give a fresh perspective.

It doesn't always work, of course, because he's human just like I'm human and we all do the wrong things and say the wrong things now and then (or more often, since, well, human). But I always appreciate any and all efforts driven by love. And his most certainly are just that.

July 3

Since tomorrow is Independence Day, Adam suggested we have family movie night over dinner, so that's what we did: we dined on Chinese food and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." (And it prompted a lot of guffaw-inducing kid-questions, let me tell you.) After the kiddos went to bed, I still needed a bunch of steps so I asked Adam if he wanted to go for a walk. And so we did.

The sky was a bit hazy --probably from wildfires burning in the state-- but it was an otherwise lovely, temperate evening.

It was such a blessing to just be out with him, chatting about the day and listening to the wind rustling the upper boughs of the trees. Simple moments are so often the best moments.

July 2

Today was just another lazy summer day that featured a grocery store trip (mainly for my sanity) and then baseball for Isaac while I took a walk around the mall (again, mainly for my sanity). The boys watched World Cup action after dinner, and then I headed off for a walk by myself (and happened to run into my friend Steph, so it became a walk with her instead).

So yep, just a regular old summer day. There was nothing particularly exciting about it, but it was blessed nonetheless because I got to go through it with these guys and with Abby and with Adam. And any time with them spent doing anything at all is blessed.

July 1

After church this morning, as I was wrangling Isaac and Brady, I looked over and saw Abby standing in a circle of high schoolers. (I was a little late snapping this pic but you get the idea.)

Tears stung my eyes because though I knew she'd connected well with some of her fellow travelers this past week, I realized in that moment --when I saw my child who shies away from people actively engaged in conversation with "scary high schoolers"-- that she'd really bonded with them on a deeper level. I spent a lot of time quietly praying that she'd come out of her shell, and feel so blessed that that desire was granted.

She's an amazing, amazing person, that daughter of ours. And I'm so thankful that she opened herself up and allowed more people the chance to see those incredible traits in action.