June 30

Our week of familial separation came to a close today as Abby returned from her mission trip. (I picked her up from the church office and then drove her over to a pool-centric get-together the rest of us had been enjoying, hence the swimming gear.)

She regaled us with stories of her adventure and I was happy to realize --fairly early on-- that she'd had a good time and connected with several of her peers. That in and of itself was a big enough blessing.

But then the evening took an unexpected turn as she reflected on how hard it was for her to see the sibling pairs interacting with one another on the trip. She got misty for a moment as she said she missed that bond she'd shared with Logan, and then got mad at herself for getting emotional over it. She talked about how she likes to share with friends and to cry on them because they're like her rocks, and I said that I knew what she meant because I can see the value in those friendships, too. God does, after all, intend for us to care for one another in a real, tangible, meaningful way that's driven by love. And then I admitted that I've not been very good at successfully cultivating those relationships, and then she surprised me by very curtly reminding me that people who aren't willing to be my rocks probably aren't worth my time anyway. We all deserve rocks; it's true that sometimes we're the supporters and sometimes we're the ones in need, but real, meaningful relationships ultimately feature equal parts give and take.

Wisdom from a teenager. Who'd'a thunk?

June 29

I was out at Starbucks with the Little Boys this morning when I thought I spotted a familiar face. I glanced in her direction a few times and then when I saw a mutual friend headed in said woman's direction, I mouthed "is that Kim?" and she said yes. So I went over to say hi.

I can't remember exactly when I became acquainted with Kim, but I know she was around when Logan was sick. I can remember her replying to my posts and expressing support for him and for our family.

She moved a few times and kind of disappeared from my Facebook feed for one reason or another, but it was a real blessing to me to meet her in person.

June 28

With the girl still away, it was just me and the Little Boys today. All day long. There were fights. (Theirs.) There were tears. (Mostly theirs.) There was frustration. (Ours.) So I was relieved when we had to pack up and head to baseball. It wasn't Brady's day for class, so he and I watched as Isaac hit and pitched for nearly two hours. (It sounds like a long time, but the incessant bickering that ruled the first part of the day made it feel like a spa trip.)

At one point, Brady pulled my sunglasses off their perch atop my head and slipped them over the bridge of his nose. He then did as he often does and made a rapid-fire succession of funny faces that made me laugh.

Nope, this life most definitely is not perfect. But little moments like these make it substantially more amusing. And for that truth, I'm quite thankful.

June 27

I've had better days. But the boys came back from their backpacking trip (because surprise! I was actually home alone from Saturday through this afternoon) and Isaac and Brady are both nestled into their beds upstairs right now. They're once again under my roof and in my immediate care.

Don't misinterpret my reality: I enjoyed my solo time. I don't even remember the last time I was home alone for multiple days (so it was probably before Abby was born). I loved my dinners out with friends and my leisurely afternoons reading and shopping and my evenings with "Murder, She Wrote" and "Hart to Hart." But there's something "right" about having them back home where they belong. So tonight, in spite of all that was wrong about today, I'm celebrating the right-ness of having a chunk of my family with me again.

June 26

I kept myself quite busy today with lots of shopping all over town (and the next one over). Then I finished the day by having dinner with Nikki downtown.

I've probably spent more time downtown over the last few days than I did over the last few years, and it's really something of a shame because we do live in a charming little place. So for yet more time with a good friend and the reawakened knowledge that we're blessed to live here, I'm thankful.

June 25

What can I say about today as I sit here with my glass of sparkling strawberry wine and a chocolate Twinkie? (Yes, I know. Weird combo. And yes, also weird that I'm in possession of any kind of alcohol. Let's move along.) Staycation day three was a good one all in all; I heard from Abby, who shared that despite her anxiety, she's socializing with her high school peers down in Arizona. (She's on a mission trip, since I probably failed to mention that before.) I also had a PTA-related chat with a former president, and spent a little time at Nikki's before finishing out most of the afternoon at home. Then this evening, I headed out for some shopping and dinner with this one:

In many ways, Kathy and I have vastly different personalities, which can at times be something of a challenge for me since I'm excruciatingly sensitive and prone to misinterpretation. But I genuinely love my time with her and am thankful that despite our differences, she continues to be part of my life.

June 24

Staycation day number two featured me sleeping in and missing church (oops), jogging intervals around the Sports Park, some time at Starbucks (because duh), and dinner downtown with these wonderful ladies.

Michele, Sherrie, and I first plotted to have dinner together sometime several years ago, so it was about time we finally made it happen. We had a great people-watching spot on the patio as we ate, chatted, and caught up. It was just so incredibly good to sit, relax, live in the moment, and enjoy time with friends without worrying about the next item on my to-do list.

June 23

My personal staycation began this afternoon, and the first item on my agenda was dinner downtown with my longtime friend Kristine. We met back in college 22 years ago, and she was one of the first passengers in my car --the one behind us in his pic-- after I bought it new in 1997, when I was a whopping 19 years old.

We didn't take said car out for a spin since it was icky-hot out and her air conditioner hasn't aged particularly well, but we did head out in Kristine's truck and had a fabulous time chatting and catching up over some really tasty food. (Grilled cheese with avocado and tomato? Definitely a go for me.)

I may not see her particularly often, but it's always a blessing when I do because it's just easy for us to talk. And as an added bonus, because we're quite different, she's able to provide perspective for me that I can't get on my own.

So for a really great evening and for our ongoing friendship, I'm thankful.

June 22

For a number of years now, we've gone out to lunch at Mountain Mike's on the last day of school. It's a way for us to celebrate the end of the academic year while we talk with the kids about their accomplishments. With Adam's work schedule and kid-related commitments, it didn't happen on the last day, but we finally made it happen today (a mere three weeks behind schedule).

We'd already been over the nuts and bolts of their eighth, fourth, and first grade years so there weren't any big surprises, but it was still nice to be able to keep that tradition of ours alive. And of course, it's always a blessing to have a meal together during the day on a weekday since that doesn't happen especially often these days.

With all of that said, an administrative note. This is my 2000th God Wink. I don't have any grand reflections to share, but I thought it a noteworthy milestone. It hasn't always been easy to come up with things to share because I'm painfully human and have days when no matter how hard I try and how much I look, I just don't see God moving. But I'm still here and still trying, and hopefully, every now and then, one of these posts I manage to cobble together will help someone out there to see evidence of God and His presence in his or her everyday life.

June 21

Adam texted me this afternoon while I was with Isaac at baseball and asked if I wanted to have grown up dinner. (That's code for "get the kids Little Caesar's and go out by ourselves.") I, of course, said yes, so that's what we did. And afterward, we went for a walk.

A lovely, temperate evening made for a very pleasant stroll, and it got even better for my social little heart when we happened to come across a long-time friend playing in a softball game. So of course we had to stop for a quick heckle-and-chat.

A simple but lovely evening. Always a blessing to me.

June 20

I picked up new glasses for myself and for Abby yesterday. While I was at the doctor's office, I also chose new cases. Well, sort of. I selected mine immediately (because it spoke to me) and texted Abby a picture of the options so she could choose her own since I know better than to not let a teenage girl make her own decision (even though I had a good notion as to what she'd go for). Guess who picked which one.

Actually, if you know me at all, it's not hard to guess. It's actually something of a trick question. And Abby's choice isn't particularly surprising, either. (For the record, I'm the purple sparkles and Abby is the royal blue.)

I like surprises now and then, but there's something really nice about knowing someone else; about knowing his or her favorite colors and scents and flavors. There's an intimacy there that's just comfortable and reliable and sweet. We are, after all, called to love one another, and taking the time to notice these small, insignificant things can be a powerful means of showing that love in a tangible way.

June 19

The girl and I went for a walk this evening. I asked if anyone cared to join me after dinner and got a lot of Looks, so I shrugged and headed for the door solo. I was surprised when, a few moments later, she poked her head around the corner and asked me to wait a second.

We looped the nearby park several times while she chattered on about her anxieties over her upcoming missions trip. There was nothing extraordinary about it; just a pleasant half hour or so with my witty, intelligent girl.

A very simple but very big blessing.

June 18

Nikki and I both had less-than-fun weeks last week, so tonight we went out to dinner and then took a walk downtown to chit-chat and de-stress.

I love that I can talk to her about anything and vice versa, and I love that we almost always understand the other's perspective. Of course, my friends don't need to be carbon copies of me and in fact, I really love some folks who could probably be defined as my opposites in many ways, but it's such a blessing and a comfort to have a sister-from-another-mister (so sorry to use that horrible expression!) in her.

June 17

I was at a loss for words (and if you know me particularly well, you know how ridiculous that sounds), so I went back and re-read my previous Father's Day entries. All of them were tinged with the same bits of nostalgia, hope, and sadness, and all of them noted that Father's Day and Mother's Day are two of our most painful holidays.

All of that is still true today. Every bit of it. It's still hard that Logan is not here and it's still hard that we have to move forward without him and it's still hard that he wasn't here to wish Adam a good day today. It sucks and it's hard and it's unfair. And I'd be inauthentic if I didn't acknowledge and honor those feelings because they're part of my reality.

But I think it's important to be conscious that though we've lost a lot --so, so much-- we still have this:

I feel tattered and broken and raggedy much of the time, but I still have this: these beautiful, imperfect people who make me laugh and frustrate me and lift me up when I'm down and make me tired (and sometimes even rejuvenate me when I'm already tired!). And I have the guy in the center who does all he can to make me feel loved and appreciated and wanted and secure. Not everyone has that gift, so today, on this Father's Day, I'm thankful for him and for them and for memories of my Sunshine that I carry in my heart and for all they bring to my life because when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of it, my life wouldn't be my life without them.

June 16

Brady went to his buddy Eli's birthday party this afternoon, and I tagged along.

I watched him play capture the flag, egg toss, and tug of war, and then I watched him eat pizza and wait in line for a chance to hit a pinata. He never got a turn --someone busted it open before he got to the front of the line-- but I was impressed with how he handled the aftermath. Rather than running in and grabbing as much as he could, he hung back and let everyone else go first. Of course, by the time he took a turn hunting, there wasn't anything left.

It's not that he's never assertive --just watch him play baseball and you'll know that's the truth-- but he seems to know when it's important to assert himself and when it's just... not. And I'm proud of him for knowing the difference.

June 15

Ten years ago last night, after Adam and I followed a dinner date at Stacey's Cafe downtown with a stroll along Main Street, we arrived home and told our baby-sitter Christin (who's now expecting her own little one!) that I didn't think we'd be making it to church the next morning.

I was right, because a few hours later, in a L&D ward so packed to the gills with women readying to have Father's Day babies that the charge nurse said "well, pull out a gurney and set her up in the hallway" when the next laboring mama-to-be arrived in line behind me, Isaac entered the outside world at a little after 1:45 AM. He unexpectedly emerged sunnyside up (which wasn't the most fun for *me*), but his kind temperament, patience, and enthusiasm have been a "bright" spot in our lives ever since.

So today, of course, we celebrated his admission to the double-digit club. There were birthday pictures and lunch at Red Tractor and cake and presents. The latter included tickets to tonight's A's game, so that's where we spent the evening hours, cheering for the home team --who didn't manage to score a walk-off win like they did last year on this date-- and then catching the post-game fireworks show.

It was a busy day and I'm ending it feeling more than a little tired, but I'm thankful to have had the chance to celebrate my third-born child. I am grateful for all of the joy, sweetness, and humor he brings to our family's life. Happy birthday, Isaac!

June 14

Abby and Isaac went to work with Adam today, so it was a Brady-and-mom Thursday. We started off with a trip to Black Bear Diner for brunch (per Brady's request), and then moved on to do some late-in-the-game shopping for Isaac's birthday tomorrow. (Ten. He'll be ten. Already. It's insanity.) A little later, I took him to his swim lessons and then we wound up at Starbucks for a mid-afternoon treat: vanilla iced coffee for me (because though I wanted a frap, I just couldn't make myself order one) and a cake pop for him. Between the cake pop and the orange Fanta he wheedled me into buying him at Walmart, he was a happy little camper:

I don't get a lot of one-on-one time with my kiddos, so it's always fun when it happens, even if we're just doing mundane activities like finishing a word search at brunch and shopping and swimming and Starbucks'ing.

Life is, after all, --as I've said a whole bunch of times before so please forgive the repetition-- lived mostly in the little moments.

June 13

These guys were super excited to see each other at baseball tonight. It was so cute that I was sorry I didn't have my phone out to snap a quick pic, so this shot from a few minutes after the reunion will have to do.

I've said it before, but I was never an athlete. I never played a sport and was never part of a team. As an adult now, I definitely appreciate how being on a team can transform two strangers into good buddies over a relatively short period of time. Friendship is, after all, one of this life's greatest blessings.

June 12

I was sitting at a red light this afternoon while driving Brady home from his swim lesson when I noticed unusual motion in the turn lane next to me. I watched as a man in military fatigues got out of his car, passed the car directly in front of him, and motioned to a person in the little SUV at the front of the line. As military-guy returned to his own car and put his flashers on, the car in the middle backed up and pulled around what I quickly realized was a disabled vehicle. Then military guy walked up behind the SUV, and when the light turned green, he started pushing while the driver steered. I watched him push that car around the corner and into a parking lot before my light turned green.

Now that, ladies and gents, is an example of being Jesus to someone else. This guy saw someone who I'm guessing he didn't even know in need of help, and rather than driving around (as many of us would do), he literally rolled up his sleeves and pushed him to safety.

It was an awesome thing to see because it reinforced the truth that despite the many ugly things I see each day, there are still good people out there doing the right things.

June 11

Today I finally had the chance to meet my friend Corie's little boy, who was born late last month.

It was really nice to see her and to hear how she's adjusting to motherhood. (I'd say pretty well!) And it was also really nice to hold the little guy. There's something so peaceful about holding a newborn and just listening to him or her breathe.

Life --in all of its many varied stages-- is a blessing.

June 10

I needed a little pick-me-up tonight so I went out to the grocery store and got this, which I consider to be some of the best ice cream in the world.

It's just chocolate and peanut butter and sugar and all that jazz, but it was an on-sale indulgence that I kinda-sorta needed. So for the blessing of it and of spoons at the soup station that allowed me tear off the lid and start eating it the second my bum hit the driver's seat, I'm thankful.

June 9

Abby's dance recital was this morning. Thanks to our five years of three-show-thick Mother/Daughter dance action, it'd been a number of years since she'd been in only a single show, so it flew by for me at warp speed. I had a lot of thoughts as I sat and watched the routines, but the most striking one was this: my girl is really, truly one of the Big Girls now. Her Little Girl days are over.

Given that she's my one and only daughter, it was a bittersweet revelation. On one hand, I'm sad that she's no longer flitting around the stage in a poofy skirt while singing an ever-charming and adorable children's song. But on the other, as Lambie reminds me, it's an honor and a blessing to watch her grow and mature into a young (yet taller than me by half an inch) lady.

June 8

The Little Boys and I hit the park early (well, early for me) this morning. While they played with Austin and Blake, Nikki and I (and princess Dani!) circled the perimeter and chatted.

The very notion of me being anything remotely like a "morning person" is utterly laughable, but it was awfully nice to be out and about before the mercury rose.

Cool air, sunshine, and good friends... all blessings and all components of the start of a good day.

June 7

This isn't the best picture of my girl, but I love it anyway.

We were on our way to her dance recital rehearsal (hence the make-up and the unusual outfit choice) this evening when we stopped at a red light and I said something that made her crack up. I love how people look mid-laugh --it's like a moment of joy frozen in time-- so I quickly grabbed my phone and snapped a pic before the light turned green.

We could all use more suspended moments of joy, right? I think so.

June 6

Following the busy-ness of baseball and dance, tonight we all plunked down in the family room and watched the Warriors play (and win!) while eating dinner.

Brady came over for a cuddle and I figured I'd take a picture, but by the time I'd pulled out my phone, Abby and Isaac had jumped into the frame.

Given how much I value photos, it's a blessing to me that my kiddos like to be in them with me. It was just a regular old moment, but as I've noted many (many, many) times before, the regular old moments can quite often be the very best of them all.

June 5

Isaac and Brady looked like this after they got dressed this morning:

When I first saw them together, I asked if they'd twinned on purpose. After explaining what I meant by "twinning," they stopped, looked each other over for the first time, giggled, and said no.

They may fight like aggressive dogs sometimes, but they have a real connection, and that connection apparently extends to wardrobe selection (because though we are A's fans, they do indeed own plenty of non-Athletics apparel). And for that funny little factoid, I'm grateful.

June 4

A random man struck up a conversation with me while we were sitting in a waiting room this morning. The content of the interaction was simple enough: he eyed Abby, Isaac, and Brady seated together in a trio of chairs, and asked if I had "just the three." I froze for a moment. I always, always explain Logan, but in that moment, I just didn't want to get into it, so I took a long pause before confirming the comment, and I could feel Abby's surprised eyes boring into the side of my head. The guy went on to explain how challenging it is to ferry four kids to all of their appointments and activities, and it didn't sit well with my soul so I sighed and said that yes, I know because I had four before my oldest son passed away a few years ago. He said he was sorry, and then added something that seemed odd in the moment: "I wondered about the gap."

I smiled and nodded, but the reference kept returning to mind as the day wore on: what gap? The physical gap between Abby and Isaac? Or the gap in their ages? Or, when he looked at them lined up, did someone seem... missing?

I don't know what he meant and I guess it doesn't really matter. But today, I'm thankful that a random person minded the gap, so to speak, because it gave me a moment to talk a little about my Sunshine. And that's always a good thing.

June 3

Sometimes I'll just be walking along and I'll think "I should take a picture of that," and usually, I do. That's why I have this one from this afternoon after church.

It's Abby (on the right) and her friend Gracie. I've said it before, but I love the two of them together. They both have only brothers, and Abby often refers to her as her sister.

As a woman without a blood sister, I like that she feels that kind of bond with her friend. I know those relationships aren't always without complication, but that kind of closeness is something my heart has always craved. So I'm thankful that my girl has it.

June 2

Way back when, Abby and I took regular evening walks together. It was our quality girl-time. At some point, we started going shopping on Saturday afternoons and --gradually-- that activity replaced those walks. But tonight, while Adam put the boys to bed, my girl and I went old school and took a stroll around the park.

With preschool, elementary, and middle school in the books, only four short years of high school remain before she'll be off on her own. It's a sobering thought for me, since on some level she'll always be a little girl in a purple feather boa and a plastic tiara, so I'm doing what I can to make sure I don't waste the moments we have left with her under our roof.

Every minute we're given is a blessing. Every. Single. One.

June 1

After a reasonably laid-back kind of morning, I ran around like a nut this afternoon picking up kids from the last day of school, consoling the crying one, trying to get the others to talk, then tying up various PTA-related ends (for now. Because I know they won't actually be tied up any time soon). After a trip to the post office, I swung by the grocery store for cereal and granola bars --since the short people will be home full time for the next few months and we go through cereal and granola bars like water-- and then headed back to my car to continue my errand-running expedition. I was really, really surprised to find this on my door handle:

In case it's hard to tell, that's a Hot Wheels car. It was a little smushed, but it was there nonetheless, waiting for me to find it. And when I did, I immediately thought of the most car-obsessed person I've ever known: my Logan.

I have no idea who put it there and even though I asked the responsible party to fess up on Facebook, I kind of hope they don't tell me because this way, I can pretend it was a gift from my sweet boy. And on yet another day that he would've hit yet another milestone --completing either fifth or sixth grade-- but didn't, that little nod from above was very much appreciated.