October 31

Halloween. Class parades, costumes, candy, pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating. We checked all the boxes today, just as we do every year. Well, kind of. This time was different for two distinct reasons. One, since it's Isaac's last year of elementary school, it was also his last costume parade. And two, for the first time ever, Abby decided that she wanted to stay home and hand out candy, so it was just me and the Little Boys hitting the streets. But she agreed to be part of our photos anyway, which I appreciated so much.

As we headed out the door, I turned to ask if she thought Lambie should stay behind and help, or come with us to trick-or-treat. She paused for a moment and started to hand him over to me, but I stopped her and said I thought he should stay with her -- his best boy's best friend.

It's hard to not know what Logan would do if he were still here: would he have wanted to trick-or-treat with his brothers or would he have hung up his door-knocking days at age 12 to emulate his sis? I honestly don't know for sure. But I just looked over at Abby right now --now that the costumes are packed away and the boys are in bed for the night-- and Lambie is laying across her heart. And though the sting of not having Logan here for another fun day is still --and probably always will be -- very real, it feels like it was a good day nonetheless. I may not have gotten to see what he would've wanted to be today as a 12-year old, but I got to see him as a pumpkin and Pooh Bear and a tiger and a monkey and a Cars Pit Crew member and Finn McMissile. And I'll always, always be thankful for those days.

October 30

Way back when, we used to take weekly trips to Costco. We'd traipse up and down the aisles, chit chatting as we collected our wares. I remember how Logan would dance and they'd all giggle together.

We don't go nearly as often these days, but we did go tonight.

I still love trotting up and down those aisles, looking at everything from shoes to pasta sauce to Halloween costumes. And I still love watching the kiddos as they try to push the cart (though given that Abby is bigger than me, it's not so much of a challenge anymore, but it's amusing to listen to her say 'hey look, I'm adulting' as she did several times this evening).

Anyhow, it was just another stitch in time that hearkens back to older stitches that I treasure. And for that, I'm thankful.

October 29

Way back when, the kiddos liked climbing this tree that sits along the path that leads from the park to the school. Almost every day, they'd scamper up into its branches, turn to me, and grin enthusiastically as they waited for me to snap a picture. I can't really remember the last time that happened, but when I saw Brady in said tree this afternoon, I had to stop and remember.

It's not always fun to look back at the past. I've had my happy times, of course, as we all have. But I've also had plenty of pages that are painful to re-read. Still, tonight, I'm thankful to have had a chance to remember moments that always made me smile.

October 28

Brady really likes Pokemon right now. I don't really get the adoration, but he enjoys looking at the cards and reading about them. And he also enjoys building them out of Legos.

I love his creativity, but beyond that, I love how he draws little faces for each of them on pieces of paper, which he then tapes to the bodies. That attention to detail just makes me smile. And sometimes, a smile is worth more than a million bucks.

October 27

I miss Fall on the East Coast. Memories of apple cider, hayrides (even though I'm deathly allergic to hay), flannel shirts, and that distinctive crispy air are immensely comforting to me. And of course, there are the amazingly beautiful colored leaves. Although we don't have that version of Fall here, my kids have a knack for zeroing in on the (comparatively few) pretty leaves they see when we're out and about.

As we walked this afternoon, Isaac happily showed me the peachy leaf he found on the ground. He marveled over its bright color and I took the opportunity to tell him --once again-- about Fall back in Maryland.

It's a blessing to share some of my own experiences and memories. And it's a blessing to remember.

October 26

With Isaac off at a sleepover, it was just me and Brady at baseball this afternoon. During the moments leading up to his class, we enjoyed some silly time.

We made goofy faces at each other and giggled and sat close together and bumped noses. I don't get an overwhelming amount of one-on-one time with my kiddos, so I'm thankful for the seconds I do get as they transpire.

October 25

I had a meeting tonight that didn't go exactly as planned. It ended with me feeling an interesting mix of confused, angry, and, well, for lack of an actual word, a facepalm emoji. On the way home, I got two text messages from friends: one offered a drink, and the other, ice cream. Since I'm not much of a drinker, I took the ice cream, but then on the way home I changed my mind and stopped for the drink, too. (Or a bottle of wine I could have at home on my own time, I should say. And that time happens to be now.)

It's true that the wine takes a little of the edge off and is making me tired --which are both very good things right now-- but what really matters to me here is that I was on the receiving end of some much-needed support. So thanks, gals, for being there!

October 24

I noticed last week that one of the baristas at my usual Starbucks would see me come in and then immediately make my order. (It's usually just a cup of light roast coffee, so nothing particularly complicated, though apparently he did too-quickly make my usual afternoon order of late --an iced coffee with caramel and two percent milk-- in the morning one day last week, though I didn't see him do it.) Anyhow, I had my usual cup this morning and went to the counter for a refill before I left to meet a friend for a walk. I figured they'd be out of my blonde roast since it was late-morning, and I okayed medium in its place even though I don't really care for it. (Because coffee.) I was surprised when said-barista cut in and retrieved this from the back counter:

He explained that he'd saved the last of the blonde for me. And then he actually apologized that it might be a little cold, even though he'd double-cupped it to try to keep it warm. For me.

It was a small but very kind gesture, and I was so touched that I left without adding my usual cream and sugar. But you know something? Even though I'm not really a straight-up black coffee person, it still tasted pretty darn good to me because thoughtful gestures can make even bitter things sweet.

October 23

I was tired all day long. I really have no idea why, but I dragged myself from one activity to the next and never really lost that "man, I wish I could just go back to bed" feeling. So when we took a Costco run tonight, I lagged behind everyone else as we made our way to the entrance.

As I walked along behind them, I had the sudden realization that my short people are getting bigger really, really quickly. I had that sense at the pumpkin patch over the weekend, too, and the moment when I realized Abby was actually taller than me was a weird one, but tonight I saw that Isaac and Brady were much bigger than I remembered, too.

Those realizations are always bittersweet for me since I mentally try to place Logan in his spot somewhere between Abby and Isaac. But they're good realizations, too, because as I've said thousands of times before --and will continue to say in the future-- one of life's biggest blessings is watching your children grow up.

October 22

It was a busy Monday, but it also --for some reason-- felt like a Logan Day. I was more conscious than I often am of the Corvettes I saw as I went about my tasks, and then there was this.

I have hundreds of these things to date, but I always feel a little jolt of happiness when I find a new one. And that's what happened this afternoon when I saw this little number.

A very, very small thing, but a good thing nonetheless.

October 21

In general, Presbyterians (any brand of Presbyterians, really) aren't particularly outwardly expressive during worship services. We tend to be more of the quiet, reserved ilk. But then there's Patti.

She goes to our church and doesn't hesitate to say Amen or to throw her hands up when the Spirit moves her. And she definitely, absolutely dances around when she sings.

And I love how seeing her in action makes my heart surge with joy. Just watching her do her thing is a blessing.

October 20

Today we took our annual trip to Pastorino's Pumpkin Farm in Half Moon Bay. We left earlier than usual to try to avoid some of the usual traffic (which kinda sorta worked), listened to our usual college years-inspired Pandora mix, and arrived late-morning for our customary pumpkin-picking action. And because I'm me, we also took our annual photos, including our 15th one in front of the entrance (which I know sounds funky since Abby is two weeks from 14, but bear with me).

The first of these images was taken back in 2004 when I was extremely pregnant with Abby and looked like I was trying to smuggle an extra-large pumpkin from the lot. The following year it was just me and my girl, and then Logan appeared as a bitty baby boy clad in an orange bodysuit in 2006, with Isaac and Brady joining up in 2008 and 2010.

A lot has changed over the years, and this succession of photos captures those changes in a particularly salient way. The most obvious and painful is how Logan wasn't there and then was and then wasn't once again, but there are also the more subtle changes that I like to look back on, like pinpointing the year when Abby's height surpassed mine or when Isaac's eyes were a little less sensitive to the sunlight.

Although none are artistically perfect --because someone's always blinking or frustrated or trying to run off or sticking their toddler-hand down my shirt-- they're pretty perfect to me because they're beautifully imperfect us at our genuinely imperfect best. And though I wish "us" still included all of us, I'm thankful to have a snapshot of our family history laid out in a such a visible way. And I'm thankful that though Logan can't be in our pictures, he's still and always will be one of us.

October 19

Nikki's birthday isn't for another week-plus, but we went out tonight to celebrate.

We headed downtown during the early evening hours and had a quick Starbucks run before hitting up a salon for pedicures. (Which were, by the by, lovely.) Then it was off to dinner on the patio at Pastas and ice cream at the Dairy. (Well, ice cream for me. A slushie for her since she was still reeling from all.The.Food she had at dinner. I know you're laughing, Nikki. It's okay.)

I am so thankful to have her in my life. Although I'm pretty blunt by nature, there are few people I truly trust with everything my heart concocts, and I'm beyond blessed to be able to count her among the ranks.

Happy early birthday! Love you!

October 18

Brady had a swim lesson today and earned a ribbon, which was surprising because neither of us realized he still had a ribbon left to earn.

So it was a happy surprise for my little fish and for me. And sometimes, an unexpected surprise is just what you need, right?

October 17

I just spent 45 minutes poking around for something I could take a picture of and then post about. (I know, so lame.) I don't particularly like to admit it, but sometimes I just go through the motions and don't notice much of anything. In the end, I turned to my phone and realized --to my chagrin-- that the only photos I did take today were of... me. So I guess I'll use one of them.

Yep. This is me during my walk this morning. (I was actually trying to see how my hair looked from different angles and yes, the vanity of that statement is mortifying.)

This is 40 (though props to the kids' doctor for insisting that I didn't look anywhere near that age when I took Isaac in the other day. He's my favorite.). It's also a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, an aunt, a cousin, and a niece. It's a friend --and if she loves you, she'll be one of the best friends you'll ever have, bar none-- and a writer and an organizer and a mess-maker and a cleaner-upper. It's a laugher and a listener and a feeler and a crier who doesn't back away --and in fact, will lean in so much that you'll probably want to slap her because she just wants to make you feel less alone-- when things get hard. It's a survivor who chose to keep breathing eight years ago and six years ago when it would've been easier to just...stop.

But beyond all of those things, it's a child of God, which is the most important thing that any of us could ever be.

I'm thankful to be her. Even on the days that drag on far too long and feel much too difficult. (And especially on the ones that feature laughter so intense that it dissolves into tears. Because those may well be the best days of all.)

October 16

Sometimes, it just takes a little help from some friends to get a job done.

I really have no idea why Isaac, Brady, and their buddy Leo decided to cart this enormous branch around the playground this afternoon, but they did. And they couldn't have done it without each other.

That's a common sense message, I think: even as adults, we sometimes need each other to get by (or, to continue the metaphor, to carry the load). So never be afraid to ask for help!

October 15

Isaac complained that his ear hurt after school, so we headed off to the doctor's office to have it checked out. (The verdict? Double ear infection. No fever and amox aboard now, so he'll hopefully feel better in the morning.) Anyway, as we waited for the doctor, he offered up his usual doses of random chit chat, but he really caught my attention with a simple statement: "I have a lot of plans for the future."

I put my phone down and asked him to elaborate, and he complied. As it happens, he wants to get married, be a baseball player, have kids, build a treehouse for the kids, and then serve as a coach for their sports teams. He then paused, nodded his head, and in a very serious tone, added "my life will be hectic."

I had to stop myself from giggling at that last bit, but it made me happy to hear his plans. I love that he talks to me --even if that "talking" is sometimes actually "rambling"-- since I know not all kids talk to their moms. And for that blessing, I'm thankful.

October 14

After a very (very) long wait, our church community at long last had a first Sunday service in our permanent facility this morning. Truthfully, I spent most of the sermon sitting with my eyes closed (as I often do) and I possibly didn't absorb as much of the message as I should have, but I think I caught the main point: grace is pretty much everything.

I've said it before a few times, I know, but it's been something of a tough year for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a raging river floating downstream and have zero control over where I wind up. Like everyone else on this planet, I'm imperfect and I make mistakes, so the reminder that grace is a thing --THE thing-- is everything.

October 13

It was a pleasant, chill kind of Saturday: I slept in way too long, went to lunch, shopped with my girl, and watched "The Mighty Ducks" over dinner. And then, after my steps were recorded and the kids were in bed, I settled in to my usual spot on the couch with the Hallmark Channel on the tube and this in my hand.

It's a peppermint bark Haagen-Dazs bar that we bought at Costco earlier in the week. It's just a small indulgence, but a delicious one, and a tasty way to conclude a week.

October 12

Ah, sweet Friday. I had some time to work, got my hair done, and then Isaac returned from what was apparently a great week at outdoor ed. (And I cannot woohoo that last bit enough times over.) And then this evening, my favorite goofball and I had some girl time.

I was singing along with the radio when, for whatever reason, she decided it would be a good idea to slide down onto the floor, where she promptly --and predictably-- got stuck. (I should add that we were parked in a parking lot at the time!)

I think sometimes that she does random things just to make me laugh, and her humor is most definitely a gift to me.

October 11

I opened the front door this morning and this fluffball walked right past me and into the foyer.

Thing is, we don't have a cat, so it was something of a surprise. Needless to say, though I adore kitties, I'm also quite allergic to them, so I quickly ushered him (or her, because who knows?) back outside. I knealt down and gave him some pets and explained that though he was welcome to sit on my porch, he couldn't come inside. And then I was off to the store.

It's amazing how good it can feel to just spend some time talking to and petting a kitty. It had been a while (because, you know, allergies), but they were certainly a couple of heart-healthy minutes for me.

October 10

When I went upstairs to check on Brady after Adam put him to bed, I found him "reading to" BearBear. (I use quotes because as Brady explained, BearBear can read his mind so he doesn't actually have to read aloud. Just in case anyone wondered.)

I love so many things about this. I love that he used his last few minutes before lights-out to read. I love that he shared a good book with a friend. And --like I wrote a few weeks ago, too-- I really love that he still considers his stuffed animals to be his buddies. I know it won't be like this for too much longer, but I'm thankful that the innocence persists for now.

October 9

Isaac headed off to Outdoor Ed this morning. Just before he left, he shared a sweet moment with Brady:

It was so sweet, in fact, that though this is my picture, his teacher came over and took one of her own.

I think he was more than a little nervous about going and I was a bit concerned by how his brow furrowed as he boarded the bus, but I really feel like this could be a good week for him. And I'll definitely be praying that he has fun with his classmates and comes back with plenty of fun stories to share on Friday.

October 8

Isaac is off to Outdoor Ed tomorrow, so Adam thought it would be a nice idea to let him decide what to do for dinner tonight. He opted for Chili's, so he and I scooted over there after baseball and met up with Adam, Abby, and Brady.

This is just a snapshot from the middle of the meal; nothing unusual was being said or done. But it's the ordinariness of the moment that made it extraordinary. And as I so often so, I'll look for and take the blessings that are inherent in those moments.

October 7

I came downstairs this evening and found Abby's headphones laying on the couch.

They're just an el cheapo pair we got for her in Maryland last winter, but they still accomplish the oft-desired goal of blocking out exterior noise. And at a time when I so often wish I could just protect myself from some of that excessive static --both literal and figurative-- simple things like this can be a big blessing.

October 6

There was yet another first at the Wight house this evening as Abby headed off to her first Homecoming Dance. Here we are, striking our best poses as we headed out the door:

She convened with a small group of girls at her friend April's house, took some pictures, ate, and headed out for the evening while I stayed behind to hang out with the adults. Although I knew only two of them heading into today, I had a nice time, and was even able to share a bit about Logan. (And talking about him is never anything but a blessing.)

Although Abby had mixed feelings about the dance itself ("mom, back sweat. There was so much back sweat"), I'm glad she had a traditional high school experience. And I'm glad I had the chance to meet new people.

October 5

After we drop Abby at school in the mornings, we usually stop by the house for a few minutes before I take the Little Boys over to the elementary school. Today was no different, and as we headed inside, Isaac called out to me. When I turned around, I saw this:

He was tickled to see a heart-shaped rose petal, and honestly, so was I. There's just not enough love in this world, so those random, tangible little reminders mean a lot to me.

October 4

I'm not entirely sure how it started, but Abby, Adam, and I spent a good half an hour watching cartoon theme sequences from the '80s.

We sang --and howled-- our way through "The Care Bears," "Voltron," "The Transformers," and a host of nostalgia-inducing favorites. I was amazed (and admittedly, a little scared) by how many of the lyrics I was able to recall (seriously, "Denver, the Last Dinosaur"? I have virtually no memory of that show yet I sang the theme song perfectly).

So though it's a little silly, tonight I'm thankful that I got to experience such a lighthearted blast from the past.

October 3

I know it's still an odd concept to folks back home, but it doesn't rain here --literally doesn't rain at all-- from roughly May through September or October. So it was legitimately surprising when I looked outside late this afternoon and it was --you guessed it-- raining. I scrounged up an umbrella and stood out on the porch for a few minutes watching a faint rainbow appear and then disappear in the distance before Brady joined me.

He donned his little rainboots and asked for the umbrella, and then stepped out into the rain. He padded back and forth on the sidewalk for a few minutes and then tipped the umbrella to the side for a quick taste.

I watched him for a few seconds and smiled when I remembered the simple joy of just standing in the rain.

October 2

As I dropped Abby at school this morning, I made her stop so I could take a picture of her Spanish project. At the time, I just wanted a copy to prove she actually did it in case it didn't make it to her classroom later in the day, but now I'm glad I have it for a different reason.

I'm pretty endlessly impressed with what my kids can do these days. They're quick-witted and intelligent and have thoughts and observations that quite frequently blow my mind.

It's little things like this --a scrapbook page written in Spanish by a high school freshman who's grown up under my care-- that remind me on a daily basis that in spite of my challenges and heartaches, I'm still very blessed.

October 1

Mornings are not my thing. It usually takes me a good hour and at least one cup of coffee before I'm fully coherent (or at least what qualifies as "fully coherent" for me of late) and in a decent mood. But despite my lack of caffeination this morning, I came downstairs, saw this, and smiled to myself:

They fight like crazed dogs sometimes, but I know these Little Boys of mine love each other like no one else. They're truly best friends, and they're truly blessed to have one another. And I'm blessed to be able to watch them be best friends.