February 11

I'm never quite sure how I'll feel on this date. The first few anniversaries of Logan's death were filled with so much raw emotion and so many tears that my primary goal was to simply survive until the 12th. The next few ushered in a medley of grief, anger, and confusion as I struggled to figure out how I should feel. Then last year I felt mostly numb, because the date brought the unanticipated passing of my cousin Elena who, like my sweet boy, waged a heroic battle against cancer before her body became too tired to continue on. But today... today was different than the six anniversaries that came before.

In fairness, there were many ways that it was like anniversaries past: scores of much-appreciated notes and messages from friends, a blood donation for me (poor Adam's on the deferral list for a year thanks to his business trip to India last month), a trip to his grave, and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.

But what made it different were the unexpected moments of laughter: the meme that made me cackle like a hyena (repeatedly) during our Logan-approved Costco cheese pizza lunch and the sound of Brady reciting some of the funnier lines from "Cars 2" as we watched it this afternoon and the sight of Adam playing basketball with a bunch of second graders this evening. Initially I felt weird about laughing on an anniversary that's been so somber in the past, but not for long because Logan loved to laugh. He loved to be silly and to dance around like no one was watching and to talk too loud and too fast (and in languages no one else understood). In fact, he brought so much laughter into my life in the five-and-a-half years he was here physically that it suddenly felt like to crime to not laugh. And so I did.

There were, of course, tears for some of us because it's natural to be sad when we remember an unhappy event. But today, I'm thankful for my Sunshine and for the laughter. And I'm happy that rather than hiding in the shadows, I gave myself permission to feel the warmth of the light.