June 15

Isaac turned 5 today. I think it was a good birthday for him; he got to play plenty of Wii, channeled his inner rock star to produce some awesome birthday pictures, went out to lunch, visited a local park and just hung out at home. He was cheerful and patient and pleasant, even when forced to wear a girly pink bike helmet on the way to the park (since his Lightning McQueen version went missing). Yep, he's a good boy and I thank God for this great smile every day.

But if I'm honest, I have to admit that it was also a day filled with a sort of reticent silence for me as a mom. The very last birthday Logan had in this life was his fifth. I found myself flipping through my mental roladex all day long, remembering what Logan did for his pivotal birthday; the one we were praying was merely the first of a brand new life of new and improved years for him. The circumstances are, of course, vastly different now, but the underlying emotion for this birthday --for all birthdays we celebrate now, in fact-- is one of indelibly mixed emotion. Happy for the years we celebrate; devastated over those we've been denied. It's very strange to think that in just a little more than six months' time, Isaac will have been on this earth longer than his big brother ever was. The reality is stark and cruel. But it is what it is.

Happy birthday, Isaac. And thanks to God for the ongoing blessing of all of my little loves.