February 5

Usually when I sit at Starbucks with my coffee and my laptop on weekday mornings, I work. Sometimes, it's a writing project. Sometimes it's random bits of data entry. Last week, it was a glut of PTA-related communication. But this morning featured none of the above, because in lieu of the norm, I decided to take a trip down memory lane by watching old home videos I'd uploaded to YouTube.

As I scanned all 400-plus clips, my eyes were drawn to those that featured Logan in all of his states of life. I watched him go from baby to toddler to preschooler to cancer patient. I even watched the very last video I have with him, as I sat with him and sang to him shortly before he passed on. That one was so hard to watch that I almost had to stop several times, but I pushed through because I needed to get to the end. I needed to see myself give him that kiss.

But my favorites of them all --the ones that make me laugh and cry simultaneously-- are the ones that feature him living: smiling, dancing, jumping on the couch, singing, and being that wackadoole kid I carried in my womb and then loved so, so much for the five and a half years I got to be his mom on earth.

This time of year breaks me. It makes me testy and impatient and irrational and even more emotional than I usually am. But I'm deeply thankful to have these snippets of the past available to me so I can take the time to just remember what was, and more importantly, what will be once again some day.