July 21

It would be easy for me to just continue on posting these entries every day without addressing an important truth, but I feel like I need to be straightforward. Some days, it's incredibly hard for me to feel, hear, see or even experience God in even the most rudimentary fashion. Lately, I've felt very spiritually dry; more emotional than usual and honestly, more combative against God Himself. I guess I could boil it down by saying that I'm angry. Over what? A lot of things. But I've come to a place where I know it doesn't help me to be silent and mad, and if me admitting that I feel this way now and then can be helpful to someone else going through a bad spell, then I'm glad to do it.

With that said, even when my reserves feel like they're gone and I'm taxed beyond what I feel like I can take, I know I still have to keep looking. And today, this is what I saw:

It is at face value, of course, the Little Boys. But it's more complicated than that. It's a snapshot of them, yes. But they're also sitting on a ginormous pool floatie that Adam's sister gave Isaac at today's family birthday gathering. And the floatie is plunked down on the (granted, kind of disgusting) carpet that I own inside the family room of the house that I own. And Isaac is holding a jug of chocolate milk. So it's not just a picture of two of my kids or a snapshot of my reality, but also a reminder that I have the basics --more than the basics, in fact-- that help me function in this life: family, a home, food and some extras.

Even when I'm angry or frustrated or feeling disconnected, my needs are still being met. It's hard to remember and be truly, sincerely thankful for those things when my heart wishes for so much more --like my Sunshine-- but I'm working on it.