July 25

I don't often feel like Logan is "with" us, but today... well, today's events made me rethink my assumptions a bit.

It began with a Costco trip early this afternoon. It was always one of Logan's favorite stores; he had an affinity for both the cheesy pizza and the freedom of joyfully running, giggling, soaring down the long, wide aisles. It was busy this afternoon, but the guy who checked our cart at the door did as they often do and flipped the receipt over to draw smiley faces on the back. As he handed it back to me, he looked startled and rubbed his eyes. I glanced down and saw not three but four happy little faces staring back up at me just as he said 'oh wow, I counted wrong, I thought there were four!' I was startled. And my heart just overflowed with gratitude. Before my brain had a chance to react, my mouth exclaimed 'oh, I have four kids!' and he smiled triumphantly. 'Then it's perfect!' he replied. And indeed... it was.

I pushed the cart out to the car feeling a sense of giddiness that I can only call jubilance. It's not that I think the guy saw Logan. But somehow, he knew he was there anyway.

A little later on, after the groceries had been put away and I was seated at the computer checking my email, I got another surprise: from the living room, the distinctive opening guitar strums of a song from Taylor Swift's Red album filled the air. Isaac shrieked gleefully and I got up to investigate. Adam has some sort of speaker system that I don't even pretend to understand set up in that room, and somehow, Isaac turned it on by accident. And even though we have hundreds of cds and I don't even know how the darn thing works, Taylor Swift just happened to play. Logan loved dancing to Taylor Swift. So we danced. We shook and shimmied and jumped and sang along to the entire album, reaching the big crescendo with a rousing choral rendition of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."

Exhausted, I retired to the family room and took a seat. And for only the second or third time since he went Home, I felt like he was talking to me. I'm with you, mommy. I am. It's not a voice; it's a sense. A sense that's so strong that I know it's either him or God speaking for him. I teared up and closed my eyes as if doing so would make the moment last longer. It didn't really work, but days like today... total treasures. Six days early, but quite the birthing day present from a boy to his mommy.