July 31

I'm never really sure what to say on Logan's birthday because words can't fully capture the divergent feelings it stirs up in my heart. The difficult, unchanging year-to-year reality is that he's not here. And that's hard and it sucks and it's unfair and I still don't understand the why of it all. And I accept that I won't understand, at least not on this side of Heaven.

But today --his 15th birthday and the 10th one we've celebrated without him-- was a blessedly gentle one. I'm not sure if it's a matter of the near-decade that separates the then from the now softening the sharper edges or an answer to my fervent prayers that this day not shatter my heart. Maybe it's a little of both. But regardless, it was a breathable day.

We caught some Olympic action and then headed to Outback for lunch, mostly so we could have some of that brown bread he liked so much and partly because we can remember being there with him (and there are fewer and fewer of those places still around). Then we went to his grave and released a single blue balloon before heading home to relax and have a screening of "Cars 2".

In the early evening hours, Adam and I went to Costco to shop and picked up pizza for dinner, which was one of Logan's favorites. And then there was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting --baked by Adam and decorated by Isaac-- for dessert. And then there were the numerous Facebook notes and the perfect card and giant chocolate chip cookie pie from our amazingly sweet and kind friend Nancy and her family. 

So yes. It was a nice day. And although my heart did indeed crack and leak a little love as the hours progressed, that's part of my daily truth, because as the saying goes, the price of love is grief. And without a doubt, I love my Logan, and I could not be more thankful that he was here and that I had him with me for even a short time.

Happy number 15, kiddo. I love you more than you know.