July 31

Logan turned 11 years old today. His birthdays are decidedly bittersweet for me; on one hand, it's a chance to celebrate and remember the little boy who made me --a woman who always wanted to have a bunch of girls-- love being a mom to little boys. On the other, we're just remembering him; we don't get to see him or hold him or dance with him or be with him. The separation may be temporary, but it feels stark and very, very real when his birthday rolls around.

It was, however, a nice enough day, I guess. We watched the Logan birthday videos this morning. (If I can offer up any bit of advice, I'd tell you to take video of your children. It's a gift to have those snippets to look back on.) We went to Target, where we bought a pair of "Cars 3" cars as "presents" (that will, in reality, be used by Brady). Then we had lunch at Outback, home of that "good brown bread", as Logan called it. Then we each chose a balloon at Party City and did a release at his grave site; it was a warm, bright, blue day, and we watched them float into the distance until they were but tiny pinpricks in the sky. From there we headed to Baskin-Robbins for some ice cream, and then came back to the house, where we made his birthday cake --chocolate with chocolate frosting, of course-- and had dinner: spaghetti and meatballs. While we ate, we camped in front of the TV and watched "Cars 2." And then there was the happy birthday song and the cake, complete with candles we all helped to extinguish for him when the time came.

So yes, it was a good day, or as good as it can be without him here with us. There were no soul-jolting hellos from beyond, but Lambie joined us all day and there were a handful of Corvettes and, of course, that lovely, cloudless blue sky that reminds me of his blue, blue eyes was overhead. So though it's never really enough, it's good. And I'm so very grateful for good. And I'm grateful to have had a day devoted to my Sunshine. And beyond all of that, I'm thankful he was here, if only for a little while. Happy birthday, Logan. I love you.