November 13

Unlike yesterday, there was no definitive 'aha' moment today. It was, as it happened, a rather unremarkable set of hours. They began with an unusual but welcome event --rain-- and continued with clouds and the usual drop-off/pick-up/play/break-up arguments routine. After dinner, I stood in the kitchen for a moment before my attention was drawn to my old silver camera. The kids gave it to me for Mother's Day several years ago. I haven't used it in some time, but I knew what was on it because every now and then, I allow myself to hold it and to scroll through a few of the images and videos before I feel my heart break and have to stop.

But tonight, I flipped through all of them. I watched Logan hunt for Easter eggs. I saw him perched on Adam's shoulders, watching the fireworks display at Disneyland. I saw him laughing as he rode in a shopping cart beside a very chubby Isaac. I saw him lying in his hospital bed, a mask over his face, grinning as he hugged baby Brady. I saw him sitting at the nurses' station with one of his favorites, her face frozen in a laugh and a sly smile parting his lips. I saw us together, seated in a booth at a restaurant, his million megawatt grin resplendent like the sun.

I looked at all of it. I felt my heart break, but I looked anyway.

I think a lot of people avoid the pain because they think it's easier to skip it and get by. But for me, if I never feel it, I never really experience the comfort and the peace of God. And for those moments of peace --and the tangible memories of yesterday-- I'm thankful.