August 16

I haven't talked about it, but this weekend marked a noteworthy anniversary: 10 years ago today (by calendar, yesterday by date), we were eating dinner at the table in the informal dining area at our old house. I still felt young back then: I was 32 years old and 20 weeks pregnant with Brady, who we'd just learned was another boy; Abby was five; Logan had just turned four a few weeks earlier; and Isaac was two. Anyway, Logan was horsing around like he so often did when his eye inexplicably turned inward. The life of our family was forever altered, in the literal blink of an eye, and a breath-seizing cloak of panic blanketed my heart.

So it felt appropriate that today day began with a spectacular show of atmospheric unrest that gave life to how I felt on that day in 2010 (and on many, many days that followed). The fear, the anger, the confusion, the exhaustion, all played out in the form of deafening thunder and driving rain and lightning strikes and a powerful wind that whipped the trees around like rag dolls. It felt angry and mournful. It felt scary. And it felt overwhelming. 

Although the storm raged for hours, it eventually stopped. The wind stopped, and the rain stopped, and the clouds cleared, revealing blue sky overhead. And peace was restored.

And it was impossible for me to not draw parallels, especially on this day. Those seconds and minutes and hours and days and months after Logan's diagnosis broke me into pieces. Just thinking about that time in my life takes my breath away and raises my blood pressure. And after he died, I felt like some of those fragments of me were so destroyed, so utterly pulverized, that I'd never be me ever again. Or at least not the me I'd always known.

And of course, I was right, in a way. I'm not who I was back then and I doubt I ever will be. But now, 10 years later, I can say something for sure: I have a Savior who gathered up all of those pieces --even the ones that were so tiny that I forgot they existed-- and put me back together again. He quieted the storm and restored peace in my life. I'm far from perfect (ask my closest friends and family) and I miss my Sunshine every single day and some days the storm still rages in my heart and my mind, but I am as whole as it's possible for me to be. And given that the me of exactly 10 years ago today wondered if that would ever be the case again, I am thankful for what is.